Fanfiction Help

(1)First things first, "Wasting all these tears on you" is a title, capitalization is key! It should be "Wasting All These Tears on You"

I have multiple issues with this but I'm going to start with the one that I'm a complete snob about, proper dialogue.

What you wrote:
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO TO WORK HARRY I CALLED OUT He was taking a shower ok babe.

What it should be:
"It's time for me to go to work, Harry!" I called out.

"Okay babe!" he replied from the shower.

THERE WEREN'T EVEN ANY QUOTATION MARKS. Why!

Chapters are too short. Too too too short. I really wouldn't even consider them a paragraph. You explained their entire life in three sentences which leads me to believe their life is boring. Which translates into your story being boring. Which you don't want!

Harry pretty much thinks like a sociopath. "I'm cheating on my girlfriend I guess. But it's cool, she won't be home until five. Time for sex." I can't feel any emotion when reading your story, which isn't a good thing.

WAIT A MINUTE, I CALLED IT. I SAID SOCIOPATH AND I CALLED IT! HE STABBED HER! Harry cheated on HER and now he's stabbing her?! What the fuck is going on?! I'm laughing based purely on confusion.

Harry stabbed her and then she was like 'yeah doc go on let him in.' No no no! He should be in prison! Then she went home THAT day?! She's like LOLing at the fact that he nearly killed her! Which by the way, if he stabbed her 10-15 times, she'd be dead. No contest.

Now Harry has said he never loved her. Then he leaves her house and a note saying 'we had it all please forgive me I get it if you won't but yeah sorry' (I'm clearly paraphrasing but not by much). It's all just unacceptable.

In the wise words of ThatRebelGirl, this doesn't mean you should stop writing; I just recommend that you start to pay attention during language arts. School may suck, but so does your writing.

Notes