Fanfiction Help

(3) Okay so within the first chapter I was already confused. She's popular and has been friends with these girls forever, yet she feels like she doesn't fit in. Then she says that they're being nice to her but when the boys come over she's expected to leave? It doesn't seem normal. Then all of the sudden she's a cheeky little bitch and is telling Harry too-bad-so-sad 'I can't stay.' It's just not very believable and doesn't define her personality. She seems like three different characters. And wait a minute, Harry sent her flowers for PURPOSEFULLY taking her book from her? Like it's not something that anyone would ever send flowers for, you know? It's dramatizing something that really didn't make sense to begin with. Another thing that confused me: She says SO NONCHALANTLY "I mean I get why my dad isn't here, someone murdered him.."

Okay, another thing. ":" is in order to LIST things, not to tell the readers who's speaking. You have to use dialogue properly ALL THE TIME, INCLUDING in phone calls. This is what you did:
(V= Vanessa L=Lily)

L: Hello

V: Hey Lily

L: Oh hey V what's up?

This is what you should have done:

On the third ring she picked up, "Hello?"

"Hey Lilly," I said.

"Oh hey Vanessa, what's up?" she replied.


You don't have to write (skip ----) when skipping a class or period of time. It seems better to write it out, explaining their thoughts.

ie: "History and English both passed quickly and before I knew it, I was off to my last class."

It's skipping time without having to SAY you're skipping time.


I noticed quite a few grammar/spelling mistakes and all in all, it looks like you put like four stories together. It just really doesn't make any sense.

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