Fanfiction Help

(-)First things first, I like your header a lot. It's nice to see that you put effort into the entire story, summary/title/header included. The idea behind your story at first seamed 'gang' like, which is overused. But the fact that it's a bunch of girls reeking havoc is kind of awesome. It's nice to see the GIRL is the bad one in this story, for a change. The only thing I'm kind of lost on is that they're burning entire cities down and I don't know why. I'd like to know her reasoning behind it and how exactly it's "paying the bills."

I'm not deducting for grammar because it isn't bad but the dialogue is a little off.

ie:

"Yeah" I sighed while sitting up, "I just feel as if it's a sign or something, like my mom is trying to warn me"

Should be:

"Yeah," I sighed while sitting up, "I just feel as if it's a sign or something. Like my mom is trying to warn me."

other than simple dialogue errors and the occasional lack of punctuation, I didn't notice any other problems. I saw that you had typed the second chapter on your phone, so I can't deduct because I know how it is. I can always appreciate someone who puts in that kind of effort to update.


I can't really score you on it just yet, because I'm not sure where the story is headed. Once you continue on it, let me know and I'll re-review it and give you a score out of ten. I'm definitely interested to see where you're going to take it.


Okay so this was my favorite line from the story:
We then arrived at our destination and parked the cars in the street to stop traffic.

"Move out!" Liam dictated

"Wait a minute. Hold the fuck up. You don't tell them to move out. I tell them to move out," I stated "MOVE OUT!"

Notes