Fanfiction Help

SORRY FOR THE UBER LONG WAIT MY LOVE! My life is stupid hectic right now. But finally, I'm posting this! Thank you for your patience!

First off, yay Larry story! (I say it all the time, there aren't enough on this website) That being said, I'm still going to be tough on you because I can clearly see that you have the ability to be a fabulous writer.

So the whole 'amnesia'/'coma' thing is definitely overused. But I do like that you're opening the story like that. BUT, when you're doing a love story, ESPECIALLY a Larry story, the angst as to how they got together is honestly 65% of the fun. I'm not sure if you're planning on having little flashbacks that will tell the reader that, but I hope you do. It's the #1 plot developer in a slash story and it's an awesome way to interest your readers. A slash story (almost) always has one of the boys (or both) not out and so the angst as to who initiated what and the struggles of breaking that barrier are SO SO SO important to the plot.

Also, in Chapter 3 when you're writing from Louis' POV, his thoughts aren't exactly realistic. I mean, a boy who he doesn't recognize is literally in bed with him and he's not the least bit worried. And even after he says 'I'm actually kind of cool with this' he goes BACK and says 'dunno why I'm doing this'. Be careful with that! You want him to seem even. Each character is a completely different person with a completely different thought process. You don't want two characters to seem to similar or one character to seem like two different people. Character balance is KEY.

Your description is ace. Not too much, not too little. Spelling and grammar is good for the most part. I only caught maybe two errors (which seemed like accidents, you clearly know your grammar and spelling lol).

Dialogue mechanics were incorrect. I'll show you with one example but I HIGHLY recommend reading my first chapter on this to explain the 'ly' verbs after using the word 'said', as well.

ie:
"Oh nothing." He simply replied. "So what do you need?" He asked through the receiver.

Should be:
"Oh nothing," he simply replied, "So what do you need?"

OR

"Oh nothing... so what do you need?" he asked through the receiver.

You don't need to repeat the 'he said' 'he asked' if it's the same line of dialogue. Unless there's description in between, then you can. But it should be it's own paragraph in that case.


here's another one:
"Lou looks better." He whispered, leaning towards me.

should be:
"Lou looks better," he whispered, leaning towards me.

You don't have to capitalize 'he' because it's not a new sentence, it's an ending to a structure of dialogue.

This is just a couple, read my dialogue mechanics chapter and it'll explain everything :)


I can see that you clearly have the ability to write. I don't want to give you a number rating yet because I'm not sure of the plot just yet. I have high hopes!

But all in all, the story's alright. I'm going to subscribe to it because I'm intrigued with where you might take it and you have the basis of proper writing down!

Hope this helps a bit x

Notes