Fanfiction Help

Alrighty so I was confused as to why someone with so many subscribers wanted me to review their story, but I was definitely intrigued to see what all the fuss is about! That being said, you have 319 people reading your story who expect the best, so I won't lie when I say I'm being even more critical on you!

Spacing! Spacing is incorrect. You have to put a full line in between each paragraph/line of dialogue. If you only hit enter once, you won't get a full line. There's really never a reason to only hit the enter button once unless you're listing something.

Also, your dialogue mechanics aren't correct. Comma's are your BFF when it comes to dialogue, where as a lot of people think periods are. I'll annotate it and show ya!

what you wrote:
"Teddy!"
"What? Who died?" I screeched falling out of bed. I literally fell out of bed. Fucking hell.
"No one." Louis smiled standing at the end of my bed. "Tea?"
“Louis, this is the third day you’ve woken me up because you want a tea buddy.” I huffed laying on the floor. “I’m tired. Call Harry.”
“I’m right here, babe.” Harry said walking in. “Lookin’ good, Ted.”
“Ew!” I yelled jumping back in my bed and covering myself.
“If you wore more clothes, maybe I wouldn’t check you out.” He winked.
“Harold.” Lou growled. A round of applause for my BFF.
“It’s not my fault she’s fit!”

What it should be:
"Teddy!"

"What? Who died?" I screeched falling out of bed. I literally fell out of bed. Fucking hell.

"No one," Louis smiled standing at the end of my bed, "Tea?"

“Louis, this is the third day you’ve woken me up because you want a tea buddy,” I huffed laying on the floor, “I’m tired. Call Harry.”

“I’m right here, babe,” Harry said walking in, “Lookin’ good, Ted.”

“Ew!” I yelled jumping back in my bed and covering myself.

“If you wore more clothes, maybe I wouldn’t check you out,” He winked.

“Harold!” Lou growled. A round of applause for my BFF.

“It’s not my fault she’s fit!”

It makes it really tough to read and keep up with when my eyes jump because of spacing errors. It's an easy fix, too!

Another thing, I think there's too much pointless dialogue and not enough description. Like, I love having lots of dialogue, don't get me wrong! But when it's just one after another after another, with no description except for telling the reader that she's getting ready and putting on her makeup, it gets to feeling like you're reading someone's texts.

ie:
“Am I turning you into a hipster?” Harry laughed as we walked towards his car.
“Between hanging out with you and Perrie all the time, most likely.” I sighed.
“It’s a fun life; you should totally become a hipster.” He laughed throwing an arm over my shoulders.
“I’ll think about it.” I laughed.
“It’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made.” He joked while opening the passenger side door for me.
“Always a gentlemen.” I smirked.
“Always.” He smiled his million dollar smile, dimples and all.
“Stop gawking and let’s go.” I giggled. “I’m ready to kick your arse.”
“Like that’ll happen.” He laughed closing my door softly and walking over to his side.
“Wanna make it a bet?” I asked once he got in.
“Sure, why not, whatta got?” He asked turning the car on and started to drive.
“If I win, you have to tweet that I’m the bestest person in the whole world and have to admit that you’re a cupcake.” I smiled.
“That’s not that bad.” He snorted.

Remember! You're writing from her POV! Tell the reader what she's thinking/feeling while all of this is happening! Even if it's not dramatic, she still has thoughts and emotions that need to be conveyed.

I like that you have a clear talent for writing dialogue. I suck at it, if we're honest. I'm not great at writing everyday conversation without making it sound basic/predictable. Just make sure you even it out with some description, too. :)

Moving onto actual character portraying:
The whole 'but like she's my bestfriend and that's it' thing is all good and fine, but Louis' says it too much. Like every conversation in the first chapter with him involves just how friendly they are. Their entire relationship shouldn't revolve around the fact that they're just such great friends and eleanor is the worst. Friendships are built on actual connection, play that up instead.

And I see from your Bio you hate Eleanor, but you have to make sure as a WRITER you try and stay as unbiased as possible because it makes for an annoying and cliché story when everyone is so anti-eleanor. Like, you don't want it to come off obvious about how exactly the story is going to go and jump into the plot too quickly just because you don't like her. And remember that obviously Louis loves her (or else he'd be dating someone else, or even teddy) and you can't make her seem like a demon.

There are two seriously frustrating characters in fics: The angel main character- who can do no wrong, everyone loves her, she is perfect.

the demon girlfriend/girl the boy cheats on MC with- clearly a downgrade from MC, dumb, annoying, everyone hates her, everyone wonders why main boy isn't with MC instead.

It's predictable and it makes for basic characters. You want your characters to be so distinguishably different from anyone else. Like they should all be their own people. You don't have a friend in real life who's so perfect the sun shines out of her ass, and you don't know anyone who had not a SINGLE redeeming quality about her. Try and make it so that you focus on having more complex characters (description rather than dialogue helps immensely!)

And Eleanor is IN THE ROOM when Harry so obviously calls out Louis on not hooking up with Teddy. Harry would never do that in real life, that's beyond against guy code. And Eleanor didn't seem bothered at all when his only response is 'she's just my friend', not 'shut up Harry you're an idiot' or 'I have a girlfriend' or 'then why don't YOU fuck her.'

Remember the rules of plausibility. "Is this possible?" "does this seem realistic?"

Like Teddy is a total cunt to Eleanor, let's be honest. And although she admits she hates her, she's really quite childish about it. And Louis doesn't do much about it other than whine and say 'please get along.'

And she's ridiculously flirty and yet teasing Harry while Eleanor is sitting on the couch, LITERALLY minding her own business and Teddy makes ZERO effort to play nice. If Louis is really her bestfriend, she would at least make an effort. Or if she seriously can't stand her that much, you should explain exactly why. What happened that Teddy has such a dramatic hatred for her? If it's just that she finds her annoying, she wouldn't go so far out of her way to be rude. She'd just let her say stupid shit and then laugh at her (at least that's what I'd do).


I think the fact that you love Louis so much and hate Eleanor really affects the quality of your story. I'm a Liam girl, so I kind of know better than to write a story with Liam as the MC. One, because I love Sophia. And two, because i KNOW that the MC would end up resembling myself (or what I think of myself) and I'd make it a perfect lovestory with no good plot and an annoying story line. It'd be more like a diary with me venting about my perfect scenario. I can see that this is your outlet, which is amazing (rather than sending Eleanor hate), but try and remove yourself and your personal opinions from the story. You'd be shocked at the improvement you'll see.

Try to make a character list, labeling exactly what the characters are like. Background, character traits, etc. By setting in stone who they are, you can kind of guide your story/dialogue. Because I don't feel like I KNOW Teddy, I just feel like I'm reading a bunch of banter.


I'm not going to give you a number because I haven't read the entire thing but I know you've been patiently waiting so I hope this somewhat suffices :)

Notes