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(3)Oooookay.... so maybe I've never said this but I'll say it now: when writing a number, you MUST type it out. 1 = one 100 = one hundred 56 = fifty six

It's lazy not to so make sure you do!

Also, your first chapter seems like the MC is having a conversation with the reader (which is actually second POV) and that's not acceptable. You shouldn't say 'hi I'm _____ and I live in ______" It's a story of thought, not a letter. Remember that!

You actually used Liam's fear of spoons.... don't do that. You're trying to write a personal story that people can actually see as realistic (or not so much, since the hunger games isn't exactly 'realistic' but it's so good it's believable, at least) and want to continue reading it. Not only that, but Liam doesn't have a 'fear' of spoons. He thinks it's gross to use spoons at like a restaurant where someone he doesn't know has used that spoon before him. It's irrational and irrelevant to put into a story (it's also not original).

You miss the opportunity to explain why these girls live on this island, why the 'Directioner Games' are happening, who is in charge of this, etc. Not nearly enough description, so it doesn't make much sense.

In chapter two, Kayla says that the directioner games have 200 contestants from each district but then says that because there's so many Harry girls, she'll have less of a chance to win. That's incorrect and if I can catch it then so will other readers.

So far, no one seems worried about DYING at all. WHERE ARE THE PARENTS!!!

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I'd be PISSED if my friend signed me up for the Hunger Games without even asking me. Even if I had a chance to snog Liam's brain out for an entire week. Dunno, maybe that's just me.

FINALLY, PARENTS! I was excited for the brief moment of normality. But as soon as it began, it ended. Her parents not only want her to pretty much risk her life for a POSSIBILITY of a CHANCE with a pop star, but they then tell her 'fine if you don't want to be an idiot, were leaving this teen infested island and you have to cut one direction out of your life forever.' it's bizarre and doesn't make any sense.


I'm going to use this next part to not only show you what doesn't make sense, but to also correct your dialogue:

“WHATDAFAQ!?!” I freaked out, “WILL I BE DYING!?”

“Ofcourse,” She said, smiling. “But we all know you’re smart enough to make it through.”

should be:
“What the fuck?!” I screamed, “WILL I BE DYING!?”

“Of course,” She said, smiling, “But we all know you’re smart enough to make it through.”


Now that's with correct spelling and grammar. But it still doesn't make any sense.

"Will I be dying?"
"Of course!"
What?

Okay so my synopsis is that there's too many characters, not enough dialogue, and a storyline that isn't your own. But you clearly have some subscribers so obviously there's people enjoying it!

Notes