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Yayayayayay Larry story! I have a soft spot in my heart for slash stories, they're always more fun for me to read and I don't see them as often on this site.

Okay so the first thing I noticed I'm not going to call a 'mistake' exactly, but not a natural flow for reading. I'll post what you wrote and then I'll annotate it so it 'flows' and you can read it and decide if you agree.

what you wrote:
Today’s the day that I always dread, Monday; along with that, there is a new guy coming into the school that I had to show around. I hated meeting new people. I wasn’t one of those “social butterflies”, as some people call them. I stayed in my small circle of four friends, and we’ve been friends since kindergarten. Plus, I was pretty shy, so it was hard for me to meet new people, especially when I started stuttering; most people called me weird for it or started laughing at me because of it. I wasn’t bullied, I just wasn’t that liked by people.

I wasn’t one of the populars, jocks, or even one of those “Smartie pants”. I was always referred as an outcast and most likely always will be. And of course my friends were outcasts.

I could never be one of the populars, jocks, or even nerds because I was too abnormal to be accepted into any of their little “cliques”.
One thing that made it to where I couldn’t even be one if I changed over summer and came back a totally different person; hotter, more athletically talented, and smarter. I’m gay, and apparently not everyone can accept that. I hate how people can be so judgmental about someone when they barely know the person. That’s why I don’t tell anybody unless they are close friends, which all of my friends know, they were the people who I came to when I figured out that I was and helped me figure out how to come out to my parents.

my annotation:
Today’s the day that I always dreaded, Monday; along with that, there's a new guy coming into the school that I had to show around. I hated meeting new people. I'm not one of those 'social butterflies' as some people call them. I stay in my small circle of four friends who I've known since kindergarten. Plus, I'm pretty shy, so it's hard for me to meet new people, especially when I start stuttering. Most people think that it's strange or start laughing at me because of it. I won't say that I get 'bullied', I'm just not as well liked as some of my other classmates.

I'm not one of the populars, jocks, or even one of those 'Smartie pants.' I'm always referred as an outcast and probably will be forever. And naturally, as an outcast, my friends fall into the same category as me.

I could never be one of the populars, jocks, or even nerds because I'm too abnormal to be accepted into any of their little 'cliques.'

There's one specific thing about me that takes away any chance I could ever have at being accepted into another clique. Even if I changed my appearance and attitude over the summer, I could never fit in anywhere else. It was something that I can't change, even if I desperately want to: I'm gay. It's something that although is being more widely accepted, is still a plague to a teenage boy my age. Because no matter how accepting the real world was becoming, this isn't the real world, this is highschool. I hate how people can be so judgmental about someone when they barely know the person. It's the one thing I can't really wrap my head around. That's why I don't announce it to everyone. The only people who know are my closest friends, the people who I came out to in the beginning. They helped me come out to my parents and supported me nonstop.


Okay so I added a few things (description/feelings) and that sort of shows you what I mean by 'flow', I hope. Also, I changed it all to present tense because that's how you started it. But, you also used some past tense. So decide at the beginning which tense you want to use and stick with it because it makes it tough to read when it's bouncing back and forth.

I like how Louis' nervous around him from the start, nervous Louis is my favorite Louis. And you seem to stick to the characters traits (which is great).

You should remember the Mind of Mechanics rule (read the How-to-write Smut chapter), it doesn't only apply to smut, it also applies to everyday scenarios. When writing description from Louis' POV, remember he probably doesn't care how Harry is opening his locker and unlocking his lock no problem, he's probably staring at his ass and counting his dimples (I know I would).

I'll annotate it again and you can see what I mean.
What you wrote:
We walked down the hall towards his locker was placed; it was the one next to mine. We got to his locker, I handed him the combo that Mrs. Barnes handed me when she gave me his schedule; he opened it with no problem. He took off the coat that he was wearing and placed it in the empty locker along with some extra notebooks, making the locker no longer empty.

What you can do to enhance it:
We walked over to the lockers and I realized his was directly next to mine. The thought made my heart race much faster than what would be considered normal. He took off his coat and draped it over the crook in his arm, revealing his tan and toned physique. As he twisted the combination he copied from the paper, his arm muscles twitched ever so slightly and I felt my breath hitch in my throat. Keep it together Louis! My subconscience warned.


So you've now established that Louis is quite aware at how fine Harry is. You've also explained what's going on without actually having to say 'Louis gave Harry the paper with his combination on it', 'harry opened his locker quickly', 'harry put his coat away.' Remember that Louis is a teenage, hormonal, boy and Harry is HOT. Run with that!


I caught a few dialogue mistakes, but I also saw you get it right a few times too! So I'll just briefly show you one and you can go back and fix them if you'd like (I also have an entire chapter on it)

“Bye, Harry; I will wait for you outside the class at the end of the period, so I can show you where second period is, seeing how we have it together.” I said to him before leaving, going back to the office.

Should be:

"Bye, Harry! I will wait for you outside of the class at the end of the period so I can show you where your next class is, seeing how we have it together," I said to him before leaving.

You really don't even have to add exactly where he's going to. It's his POV, he KNOWS where he's going and he's not talking to anyone. You can also add afterwards 'As I walked back to the office,' and that will tell the reader without making them feel like he's talking directly to them (which he should not do).

Also, Louis says he's a social outcast and a cute boy who he clearly states he has a crush on sits next to him twice in a row and he seems to shrug is off. That's an opportunity for Louis to notice how fucking EXCITING that is and stare at him and dream about their future babies and what not, run with that! He should be feeling and noticing a lot of emotions and it's your job as the author to point them out and explain them to the reader.

Also, I notice in your dialogue that you feel like you have to add things in to make a conversation 'flow' but it ends up sounding robotic and unrealistic.

ie:
“Now what class?”

“Lunch,” I laughed.

“Oh, okay then,” he blushed a bit.

“So, did you bring lunch?”

“Yeah, I have been since I got food poisoning from school lunch two years ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be, it wasn’t your fault,” he laughed.

“Yeah, but I can still be sympathetic.”

“So, where do you usually sit?”

“Right over there, with my four friends.”

“Nice, do you mind if I sit with you?”


my annotated version:
“Now what class?” he asked with curiosity.

“Lunch,” I laughed.

“Oh, okay then,” he responded, blushing a bit.

I tried to hide my smile as I saw his cheeks redden and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable so I opted to changing the topic, “So, did you bring lunch?”

He nodded, “Yeah, I have been since I got food poisoning from school lunch two years ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t be, it wasn’t your fault,” he laughed.

I nodded, not sure of how to respond. This was always where I got stuck in conversation, right here. This was the awkward moment I hated so much. But thankfully, Harry spoke again.

“So, where do you usually sit?” he asked.

I pointed to a table in the far back where I could already see my friends, “Right over there.”

He nodded, “Do you mind if I sit with you?”

Did I mind? HA!

I swallowed my giddy school girl squeal and tried to play it cool, "Not at all, follow me."





Add description whenever you can! And don't be afraid to add awkward pauses. They just met, it's bound to happen! And try not to add pointless dialogue just because 'it makes sense' and 'that's how that conversation can go.' The chances of any two people having the same exact conversation are unlikely, so feel free to add in banter/strange topics. They're people, that happens!

I might be slightly biased about this, because I L O V E Larry fics. And yours is no exception. it's adorable and cute and Louis' nervous and I love it and AGH. But I think that all of the points you missed were mostly lack of description/flow and grammar mistakes. The second chapter improved immensely from the first, as well.

Please don't be discouraged though! Your storyline is good so far and you're only so far into it that you can always go back and add/subtract things. Please keep writing because I'm actually super excited to see where you take this!

AND QUICK QUESTION, are you adding smut?

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