Fanfiction Help

(5)Ahhh okay I'll start with the first mistake I caught, spacing! One full space between each line of dialogue/a line of dialogue and a paragraph of description.

ie:
I sighed and closed my computer. I got up out of my chair, and slid around the corner to get my dad. Just as I reached his door, he came rushing out. As usual, his hair was disheveled and glasses askew.
My dad and I live by ourselves. Ever since mom and Caleb died in a car accident, we've had to look after each other. Or rather, I had to look after my dad. He completely fell apart after that day. He shut down and spent all of his time in his office, devoting himself to work. I'm not even sure what he does. The only time we really only talk to each other is our morning drives. He drops me off at school and drives all the way to New York for his so called "work." I call it going to a bar and getting drunk with his friends. I heard a honk from outside.
"Alex! You were the one rushing me! Come! Now!"
I rolled my eyes, and ran to the car. I jumped in the front seat, and threw my backpack behind me with as much force as I could muster.
"So. Alex. How's school going?" My dad asked me like he actually cared.
"Fine."
"Make any new friends?"
I snorted.
"No."
"Nice teachers?"
"I guess."
"Nice kids?"

should be:
I sighed and closed my computer. I got up out of my chair, and slid around the corner to get my dad. Just as I reached his door, he came rushing out. As usual, his hair was disheveled and glasses askew.

My dad and I live by ourselves. Ever since mom and Caleb died in a car accident, we've had to look after each other. Or rather, I had to look after my dad. He completely fell apart after that day. He shut down and spent all of his time in his office, devoting himself to work. I'm not even sure what he does. The only time we really only talk to each other is our morning drives. He drops me off at school and drives all the way to New York for his so called "work." I call it going to a bar and getting drunk with his friends. I heard a honk from outside.

"Alex! You were the one rushing me! Come! Now!"

I rolled my eyes, and ran to the car. I jumped in the front seat, and threw my backpack behind me with as much force as I could muster.

"So. Alex. How's school going?" My dad asked me like he actually cared.

"Fine."

"Make any new friends?"

I snorted, "No."

"Nice teachers?"

"I guess."

"Nice kids?"


Also, you can only pull the whole 'not saying he said/I said thing twice in a row because it get's confusing really quickly. I know that when you're writing short dialogue it seems repetitive to say 'he said' 'I said' 'he said' 'I said' over and over again, so add new words in.

You could have said:
"So, Alex, how's school going?" my dad pried, seemingly uninterested.

"Fine," I mumbled, staring out of the window.

"Make any new friends?"

I snorted, "No."

"Nice teachers?" he asked, full of useless questions.

"I guess," I responded.

"Nice kids?"

^^It adds description to the conversation and gives you the opportunity to show your characters ticking time bomb of annoyance. How much of a conversation like that she can take and how she's feeling throughout the conversation.

I can see there are other dialogue errors but I explained it best in my 'dialogue mechanics' chapter on this page, so check that out if you want.

Also, the first chapter should captivate readers. It should draw them in. I try and make the first chapter really long and end it on a cliff hanger or at least give the readers a preview of the storyline so they can decide if they're really interested.

Also, you said in the second chapter that she's in this AP class with a bunch of students, but you don't explain Zayn. Then as the teacher gets to her, you have her begging God that she isn't partnered with Zayn. I suggest adding description as to why she doesn't like Zayn and make it known before hand that she does in fact, notice him in the classroom and doesn't want anything to do with him.

But she claims to hate him, enough that she tells the teacher she doesn't want to be his partner and she'd prefer to do it alone. But then he comes and asks her to come over and she's in AWE that he's speaking to her and inviting her over. She went from ruthless bitch to giddy school girl (literally) in five seconds.

And now she's being stand-offish to him then she's snapping at him, then she's scared he's going to hit her, then she's leaving. It's all over the place. It seems like you haven't really set your MC's personality and she comes off as a few different people. I know that sometimes the dialogue you want to use isn't necessarily fitting to the main characters personality, but you have to remember that you're writing a story based on an actual human being and you want it to come off as believable and relatable.

It just seems a little all over the place really. Not enough detail and description, not enough explanation, not very believable. I think if you go back and add things/change things you could have a good story on your hands, but I can't keep up as of right now.

Notes