Fanfiction Help

(5)Okay so I'm going to get right to it! First dialogue mistake I caught:
"Open up, Josie! It's not funny anymore!" I yelled banging on the door with my fist. "I need that!"

What it should have been:
"Open up, Josie! It's not funny anymore!" I yelled banging on the door with my fist, "I need that!"

and...

"But I can show you if you would like." He offered politely.

What it should have been:
"But I can show you if you would like," He offered politely.

It's almost undetectable, but still incorrect. Not major! I have an entire chapter on writing dialogue so feel free to check it out!

This isn't really a 'problem' per say, but your story is rated PG. You have the grammar of someone way above the PG level and your story isn't really a childrens book so I would change it. Not only is it more appropriate, but it'll definitely attract readers! I know that I wouldn't open a story that said G/PG (but that's just me).

I'm not particularly fond of the fact that I pretty much know her life story and stand-off-ish personality from ONE conversation she had with Liam. She says she doesn't want to fall in love (translating to trust issues) but she's very quick to tell him all about her parents. It's a little confusing and doesn't give her a clear personality. Then she's oblivious to a kiss but she's in college? Doesn't add up. The two girls are BOTH in college and neither has kissed a boy but at the concert she's quick to go ahead and kiss Liam, which confuses me.

I didn't realize that this WASN'T an AU until her friends mentioned One Direction which I actually really love. Normally when the girl 'doesn't know One Direction' but meets the boys out and about, the author will annoyingly let you know that One Direction is somehow sneaking into her life (the friend plays their music and she hates it) or she says something about how he looks familiar or whatever. But not ONLY is she oblivious, but she mistakes him for a grocery store employee. I sincerely applaud you for that. I was actually laughing when I put it together.

The whole 'VIP Tour' and 'girl getting brought onto the stage' thing isn't very plausible, let alone all four girls getting chosen. If that DID happen, I feel like they'd pick a bunch of different girls from different sections to be fair.

I'm deducting a point for the mention of Louis loving carrots. He has made it clear that he does not love carrots. Even if he loveloveloved them, he wouldn't choose his friends based on that. Just like Niall wouldn't based on if the girl loved Nando's. Or Liam based on if she didn't like restaurant spoons. Etc.

They've agreed to sleepover? What is going on here? They don't seem like that girl. But apparently, I was incorrect. They are indeed those girls.

OMFG OMFG OMFG LONG LOST SIBLING FIC. Yes, overused, but I didn't hate how you did it. Allergy to alcohol, not overused. It works, I guess.

It's all a little confusing and I don't think you put enough detail into it, it all moves pretty quickly. But I do see that you have the ability to write. So my advice is to slow down, read and reread before you post, adding detail in each time, and just make sure you take control of your writing. Think to yourself, could this happen in real life?

Good luck to your future writing, I know that if you take some of the advice and keep on writing, you'll definitely improve.

Notes