My Dearest Niall,
So you know that her name is Hayden. Why am I not surprised? I’m pretty sure that Bridgette told you. Was I right? No. She doesn’t know that I named her Hayden. So, she must have told you to go to the hospital. She was the only one to know. I mean Rachel knew but she said I was stupid for keeping the baby. Her and I got into a fight before I had the baby. She said I ‘wasn’t ready’ for a baby. But children come at the most unexpected times. I mean look at my family. My little sister wasn’t planned or anything. It was unexpected but you adjust to it. A child is a gift. And I see Hayden as your gift for when I’m gone.

So, if you went to the hospital then they probably told you about the adoptive family. They don’t know anything else besides their names. I mean I wanted it closed for a reason. If I were to live, which was highly unlikely, I wanted her to be happy and healthy and not worry about her family. She doesn’t need to be hurt by what I was. She doesn’t need to know about me. She doesn’t need to know about what I have been through. She needs to be loved by a mom and a dad. She needs to know that I don’t exist. And I want her to be happy with her life. I don’t think I could ever give her happiness like that. I’m too damaged.

Yes I still refer to myself as damaged even though you tell me that I am not. But Niall, let’s face it, I am. I’m broken. I was torn apart. I am not my usual self. And if I were to raise Hayden, she may turn out to be just like me. And I don’t want that to happen to her. I want her to be able to not worry about anything. I want her to have someone to support and love her. I rarely had that as a child. I mean I had a mom and a dad who loved me very much but I was the daughter who was unlike everyone else. I was an outcast. And I forgot to tell you one important piece of information.

I was adopted.

My mom told me when I twelve. No one really knows except for Bridgette. Bridgette was the only one I told. My biological parents, I tracked them down. That’s why I was in London. Well, that and school. Bridgette knew that I was searching for them. She knew that I was itching to find them. I mean when I was born it was as if they donated me to the hospital.

My mom told me that she was working her shift in the New Mother’s and Baby floor of the hospital when she found out that a baby girl was being ‘donated’ to the hospital. My mom had found out that she had a miscarriage a few years after my brother was born and she never tried to have another child again. She visited the nursery and she spotted me laying in the bed and I was crying she said. She asked one of the nurses if she could pick me up and hold me and they told her she could. Supposedly I stopped crying once she started to rock me. And she told me that in that moment she knew that I was meant for her.

Why am I telling you this? I know that when those adoptive parents hold Hayden they will know that she was meant for them. She was made to be in their life like I was made for my mom. At first it may be hard to accept that they are caring for another’s child but they will fall in love with her like my mom did with me. She told me that she was scared that when I found out that I was adopted that I would want to go to my biological parents. And I told her why should I go to them when they never sought to raise me. They never thought to love me. I mean they loved me enough to get rid of me and put me in the life of the best mom in the world.

And that’s how I feel about Hayden. Maybe I’m just like my biological mom. Maybe I am not ready to have a child. Maybe I want her to feel loved every day of her life without worrying about how I’m making ends meet. Let’s face it, it’s hard being a single mom. I mean I would’ve had you. Well, maybe. Who knows?

You are probably mad at me saying that I had no right sending her away like that. But there is a reason for everything. And I don’t think I should tell you that reason just yet. You need to find out more about her rather blaming me for giving away your daughter. She will be happy with them. I promise.

So, London was supposedly the home of biological parents. From what I gathered, they had moved here after I was born in America. They needed to start over. You know since they gave me away. So they started a new life over here. Well, I found out that my biological father isn’t the one my biological mother got married too. My bio father is probably somewhere out there doing stupid things that my bio mom probably resented him for.

Maybe that’s why she gave me away. Was I going to be a constant reminder of him? Would I look like him? Who knows? I mean I never found him. Supposedly he is somewhere in the US but he is unlisted. He probably went to jail. Who knows??

So back to my bio mom. She moved to London to start over. She was no longer the pregnant sixteen year old. She was in fact a newly enrolled college student. That’s where she met her husband I guess. After three years they got married. And I guess she finally realized that she wanted kids. She had a son, who’s name I don’t know but she was happy. Well, she had her son before they got married. Supposedly he is a year younger than me. I never got to meet him.

So you are probably wondering if I met her. Did I guess right? Yes, I did in fact meet her. But I didn’t tell her that I was her daughter. I didn’t have the nerve to ruin her life like that. I didn’t want to deplete her happiness she had created for herself. She was one of my professors in college. She was philosophy professor. Maybe that’s where I get my wise mind from. So, anyway one day I needed to talk to her about a paper I was writing for the class and we were discussing it and she was so intelligent that I couldn’t believe that she was my mother.

She told me stories about her kids. She has four kids. Three boys and a girl. The girl is the youngest. She really opened up to me. She told me that she was worried about her daughter because she was becoming reckless in school. And her eldest son proposed to his girlfriend and he was getting married the next month. You know the month after I talked to her. She was so happy to have created such a life. And she asked me why I was so far from home. I didn’t know how to answer her. I told her that my past was just unbearable back home that I couldn’t take it anymore. That I wanted to start over because I didn’t want my old life to cloud my new life. And you know what she said to me.

“I started all over again too.”

And I didn’t ask her what she meant by that because I didn’t want to pry. I left it at that. She then said that she has done things in her life that she has regretted and I just looked at her. I wanted to come out and say that I was in fact the baby she left in the hospital back in Colorado but I couldn’t. I couldn’t ruin her like that. Her phone rang I could tell that it was her husband cause she smiled so big. It was like I how I smile every time I hear you speak to me.

She was happy with her new life just like I was happy with mine.

Hayden deserves to be happy. She deserves to have a life that I could never give her. I know that you could raise her but I want you to start over. I want you to realize that your life can change and be glorious again. I want you to find someone who makes you feel special. You can find her now while she is still a baby but promise me you won’t fight for her.

I know you have been thinking about raising her with the boys. And I know I said at first that she was what you needed but I don’t want her to remind you of me, if she ever looked like me. I want you to find her but I don’t want you to raise her. Thinking about my bio mom made me move closer to adoption more. Hayden needs to be loved by a man and a woman not just one person. I know that the guys and Bridgette would help you but I can’t do that to you guys. My bio mom told me something very important.

She said that if she hadn’t come to London all those years ago then she wouldn’t have met the love of her life. She was sixteen when she moved here. She ran away from her problems and started anew. She created relationships with people who saw her as different. She created a new version of herself. She sought the world in a different form. She lived her life. She continues to live her life. And she said if she stayed in the United States she wouldn’t have been as successful as she was today. And that got me thinking.

If she kept me, I would’ve never met Mark, Annabel, Bridgette, Rachel, my mom, my dad, Harry, Louis, Liam, Zayn, and especially you. I would have never met you. I would have never gotten beaten by my abusive boyfriend. I would’ve never gone to rehab. I would’ve never rekindled my relationship with my mom. I would’ve never moved a million miles (yes I’m stretching the truth) from my home to start a new life. I would’ve never fallen in love with you. I would’ve never had Hayden. I would’ve never…

Died.

And if she would’ve kept me, who knows how I would be. Would I be some snobby girl? Or maybe I would be a transgender girl? Who knows? All I know is everything happens for a reason in this world. I was put up for adoption for a reason. My bio mom wasn’t ready for me but my real mom was. Yes my real mom is the one that adopted me. She knew that she was ready to raise a child. Well, another one if that. She was too scared to try to have another one. I was a gift to her she told me. She always told me that I was a gift. Maybe that’s why she cares so much about me.

I was adopted. I was a gift to help her through her tough time. I was sent to her. She said that she thanked God for me. I mean we weren’t really religious but she said that He wanted us to be brought together. And I turned out alright. Well, that’s besides me dying and getting abused by my ex-boyfriend.

But I am grateful for my life. Every minute of it. I am grateful that I got to meet my bio mom. I mean I have a piece of her in me. I was her flesh and blood but she didn’t know that. She didn’t need to know because like she said to me:

“Some secrets are better left untold.”

But as I sit here in the hospital, that’s when I’m writing these letters, she came to visit me. Not as my bio mom but as my old professor. It had been a year since I had her class and I told her about my dilemma. I told her that I was dying. She told me that she was sorry. But I told her not to worry. Then she asked where my mother was. I told her that she was at home waiting for the call that I was dead because I didn’t want her there. And then I got the nerve to tell her my secret.

I told her that some secrets are better left untold but in my dying wish I had to tell her something. I told her that whatever happens to me I wanted her to know that I appreciated all she had done for me. I saw her as a parental figure as I spent my time in London. She was like a mom to me and she helped me with most of my toughest papers at school. She held my hand and she told me that she wished that her daughter was just like me. I told her this:

“Your daughter, you must love her. Show her that you care. Be there for her like she was there for me. Show her that she means the world to you because one day she may not be there and you will try to find ways to change it but you can’t change the past and you can only live in the present and hope for a better future.”

Then she told me a story about her life before London. I wasn’t expecting her to tell me this but she told me about how she was in love with this ‘bad boy’ so to speak. She was addicted to his husky voice and his tattoos. He was eighteen while she was sixteen. She told me that she got pregnant and her parents were furious with her. She dropped out of school and got her high school diploma the whole nine months she was pregnant. She told me that her parents wanted to kill the boy that got her pregnant but she couldn’t let them do that. And it turns out that he wasn’t there through the whole pregnancy. Some guy right?

She told me that her parents gave her a choice. She could either raise the baby as a single mom or she could give the baby up for adoption. She told me that she thought long and hard about this decision but she came to the conclusion that she wanted this baby to have a good life. And not having a father in the picture wasn’t starting off this life perfectly. She then told me that once she gave birth she was asked if she wanted to hold the baby. She didn’t want too. She didn’t want to hold the baby that she could’ve raised. And she just left the baby in the hospital hoping someone will pick her up.

Then she told me that after about a year or so she left the country, paid by her parents, so she could move on. And she never had any contact with the family whatsoever. Then she told me that she wished that she kept in touch to see how the baby was doing. All she knew was that the baby was a girl. She never told her husband about it because she was too ashamed.

She looked at me and said “I just want to know if she turned out alright.”

And I looked at her and told her, “I bet you she did.”

She smiled at me and she held my hand. She had no idea. She had no idea that I was in fact her daughter and that I was dying right in front of her. She said that my mom was very lucky to have me as her daughter and I told her I was lucky to have her as a professor. But deep down inside I wanted to thank her.

Thank her for giving me a chance at life. A chance to be loved by so many people that if she did keep me than I would’ve never met anyone I have grown so close to. I wanted to thank her for thinking about me. And I wanted to thank her for convincing me that I wanted to do the same thing for Hayden. I wanted to thank her for everything that she did for me. She may not have raised me but in the end she was a part of my life whether she knew that she was my birth mom or not.

And the same will go for Hayden. She will know that you cared so much about her to give her a chance at happiness. Maybe she will find a man like I did. Maybe she’ll be something great. She’ll make us proud and she will never know. Maybe when you are old and grey and sitting at home, she’ll come to your door and tell you that she is your daughter. That you were her birth father. She will tell you thank you for giving her a chance. Then she’ll ask about me and you’ll tell her all she needs to know. You’ll tell her that I was in fact just like her. Left by my caring birth mother to have a happy prosperous life. Because everything happens for a reason and she’ll realize it. One day.

Now Niall, your next task is to go and find out a little more about these Waters people. I mean they are in fact real. Maybe you should hire someone to help you. Just promise me that you won’t go looking to win custody over her. She deserves to have a happy life like I did even though some parts of my life weren’t beautiful. But she will find the light in the darkness and she won’t be alone. She’ll have her adoptive parents to love her. She’ll also have you. But you can’t raise her. Not yet. Not now. One day she’ll come to you. She’ll want to know all about you, like I did with my birth mom.

Love. Judith xx

PS I found out what happened to my birth dad. He died in a motorcycle accident out in California. He was driving too fast. He got married and had two kids. His wife and kids moved to Utah to be with her family. He took her away from her family. Now she is closer to them when she needs them most. So I guess not all lives have happy endings but everything happens for a reason. Oh and he wasn’t a ‘bad boy’ and more. He owned his own motorcycle repair shop. His boys are a few years younger than us. One owns the shop and the other one is going to college to be a doctor. How sweet! Well, I guess life goes on and people drift away but sometimes they drift away for the right reasons and it creates a new story. A whole new life waiting to bloom.

++++++++++++
Aw Judith’s adopted? I had no idea!! Well, I kind of did. I hope you like this chapter. It was kind of difficult to write I mean. I don’t want to reveal too much in this chapter. I got some big plans for this. The real drama starts now!! Lmao! But I feel that the story is really going to blossom from this chapter. I just got to figure out how I’m going to do it. Well I hope you cupcakes like this chapter.

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Sincerely Becky xx