I had a daughter? I could’ve sworn that I thought this ‘her’ was another woman not my daughter. Not my daughter, who’s mother just passed away. I mean how old is this daughter of mine? She should only be a few months old. It has been about two or three months since Judith has passed. I mean so she is probably three or four months old. Why didn’t she tell me when she was dying in the hospital? Why do I have to find out now? Why?

But I have a daughter. I bet she looks like Jude. She probably does. She’ll probably be just like her. She’ll probably have her hair. She’ll probably have her smile. She’ll probably laugh just like her. I hope she doesn’t get hurt like Judith did. I mean Judith told me that her dad wasn’t in her life that much when she was dating Steve since her parents were divorced. So maybe if I’m in my daughter’s life maybe she won’t get hurt.

But do I really want to find her? She is probably living with a wonderful man and woman who love her so much. I mean I wouldn’t want to intrude. Then again I am her biological father. But do I really know how to care for a young child? I can barely take care of myself. Do I really want to put pressure on myself to raise a child without the help of the mother and possibly ruin the child completely? But I promised her that I would find her. I mean it said to find her not take care of her.

Then again Jude mentioned that the boys will probably help me. Bridgette will also be there. But am I ready to raise a child. Raise someone who may not like me. Raise her all by myself. I don’t know if I can do it. I mean I love Judith and respecting her wishes to find her is what I must do. Maybe once I see her I will come to a conclusion on whether I can raise her or not. I mean in movies the mother, after they give birth, their motherly instincts kick in. Maybe the same happens to dads too once they see their baby for the first time and hold him or her.

Then again I wasn’t meant to be a father at such a young age. I mean I shouldn’t be mad that I got a girl pregnant after only knowing her for a short time. But I was in love with her in that moment. I still love her. And to know that I have a child with her is the greatest gift of all. I hope one day, if I do go along with caring for her, I will tell her about Judith. Tell her that I loved her very much and that I was so happy to have her in my life. And that she, my daughter, has been the greatest gift because her mother was a part of her living inside her every day.

Niall, snap out of it. You can’t raise a child. You can barely take care of yourself. Look at your flat. It’s a mess. And here you sit on her bed as the dust collects on the end table. Your flat is a mess and you have company over. Plus you don’t know anything about raising a child. Maybe it’s better you leave this alone. Let your daughter grow with the family who adopted her. Let’s face it; you don’t know the first thing to raising a child. And plus your flat isn’t child proof. You need to have all this stuff just to raise a child and your flat is a hazard. It is not the place where you should raise a child. You shouldn’t even think about this any further. You don’t need a child in your life. They just complicate it.

I don’t want my life to be complicated but I promised her. And I never break my promises. I never break my promises to her. She wants me to find our daughter. I want to see what she is like. And if she is in good hands I will leave her be. I will just hold her once then go. I don’t even know where she is let alone know how to find her. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. But you’re right, my flat is no place for a baby. Let alone a place for me. And maybe once I meet her I will come to terms with leaving her behind and letting her be raised the right way. With a loving family who loves her and that can provide with her. Not some hormonal young adult who got the love of his life pregnant then she dies a few months after. I wouldn’t want our daughter to feel as if she wasn’t meant to happen. But she was meant for this world. Not for me but for that family to whom adopted her. She will be loved by them. But I want to meet her.

I folded the letter back in my hand and shoved it in my pocket. I had to get ready for the arrival of Liam. He was coming to visit. I couldn’t be stuck on this daughter issue. I mean I want to find her but not now. I have no information on who she is or whom adopted her. I can start that tomorrow. Right now I have to go talk to one of my best mates.

I pushed myself off the bed and started to walk out of the room. I stared at the bare mattress and the dust collecting on top of her dressers. I stepped out backwards as I stared at her used to be bed. I shut the door and made my way out the door. I locked the door and placed the key underneath the mat and made my way to my door. I unlocked my door and stepped inside.
I spent the next few hours trying to tidy up my flat because Liam was due to arrive any second now. I dusted off the counters trying to hold my sneezes in because the dust particles were flying everywhere. A few stung my eyes probably causing my eyes to turn a red color. It was horrible. Why did I have to wait this long to dust off my counters and stuff? Jeez I am definitely not bringing a child into this home.

Niall, stop thinking about your daughter. Focus on now! Present! Liam is coming.

Just after I yelled at myself, inside my head of course, as if on cue there was a knock on the door. The room seemed spotless enough to have visitors. I walked up to the door and unlocked it, since living alone you get pretty scared that someone is going to come in and kill you, and smiled at the familiar face standing at the other side of the door. He smiled back as I instructed him to come in.

“Were you crying?” he asked

I remembered that my eyes were probably still a red color due to the dust being flown into them.

“No, it’s the dust. Too much dust is bad for the eyes,” I smiled.

“Oh okay,” he turned around and made his way to the couch.

He sat on the couch as I shut the door behind me but a foot got caught in the door. The owner of the foot tried to squeeze in between the small opening of the door. I then heard some cursing and I opened the door a little while. I stared at the owner of the foot that was situated in my door just a few seconds ago and a smile crept across his face too.

“You think you only get one of us and not the rest of us?” he asked

“No, Louis I would just think that you guys would be busy,” I answered.

“Busy to see you? Nonsense!! We missed you Niall,” he replied and I could see that he was speaking the truth. He had a hint of sorrow and relief in his eyes.

“Harry’s not here though,” a voice spoke behind him, “It was an emergency with Bridge.”

“I saw her earlier. Is she okay?” I asked Zayn

“She’s fine,” Liam replied, “She’s just been distant recently. She isn’t the first one.”

“I’m sorry about that guys,” I led Zayn and Louis inside, “It’s just I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just didn’t want to hear that it was going to be okay another billion times. Enough is enough right?”

“You’re right Niall,” Zayn answered, “But you didn’t need to isolate yourself. We all cared about her too. She was our friend too.”

“I know,” I spoke, “And I am truly sorry.”

“It’s alright mate,” Louis answered, “We just want to know if your still alive. I mean…”

“I know what you mean Louis,” I smiled, “I’m pretty much alive.”

Louis laughed, “I’m glad.”

We were sitting on the couch drinking a beer. Well, maybe a few beers. They were telling me about how the tour was quickly approaching. Supposedly Bridgette was coming because Harry didn’t want to leave her. He doesn’t know what she would do if she was left alone. I wouldn’t leave her behind either. She needs to have people to be there for her. Who knows what she could do? She’s broken for now hopefully she will find the peace she needs. Maybe coming with us can help her move on. Maybe it will help me move on.

“Niall, is something wrong?” Liam asked

I was staring at the blank TV screen. I don’t know why but I was. I was thinking about Judith again and imagining our life if she was still here. Would we still have our daughter? Would we be one big happy family? Then the thought of her and I raising a child together was the last thing I could have ever thought happen in my life. But it felt real. It was if I wanted to raise a child with her. I knew that I wanted to marry her but our daughter could’ve been the rope that tied us together forever.

“Nothing,” I muttered.

“Come on mate,” Louis shoved me, “What’s on your mind?”

“Jude,” her name left my lips and it hurt to say it out loud.

It felt as if it was forbidden to say her name aloud since she is no longer able to answer back. It felt as if I was stabbing myself saying her name out loud for the first time in a few months. It was weird saying her name. It was devastating. My heart hurt saying her name because I knew she wasn’t going to answer back. She will never answer me back.

“What about her?” Zayn asked

“It’s just,” I whimpered, “I miss her so much.”

Liam hugged me, “We all miss her.”

“Niall, it’s best you let it all out,” Zayn responded.

“I know but there is so much that I can’t say because I can’t find the words that fit,” I answered.

“Niall, she is missed and we lost an amazing person,” Louis replied.

I looked at Louis, “I know.”

“What else is on your mind?” Liam asked

Should I tell them about my daughter? Should I tell them the secret of my child alone in the world with a family she barely knows? Then again she is probably safe with this family that she is with. But do the boys deserve to know that a piece of Judith still lives? Can they handle it? Will just say that I was stupid for getting Judith pregnant? I mean I don’t know what to expect from them. Will they help me?

Will they be there for me? Will they help me through this? Will they help me find her? If by some chance I decide to raise her will they help me? Will they support me? Will they help me? Can I count on them?

Does Judith want me to tell them? Then again I can use all the help I can get. I mean I’m sure Judith would want them to help me. I mean the more people that help me look for her will probably be better because then we could find her faster. The faster I find her the faster I can tell her how much I love her. I mean I haven’t met her yet but knowing that she is out there, makes me love her more. She is my daughter after all and you love your child until the end of time. You want what’s best for them. You want them to be safe. You want them to know that everything is going to be okay because you don’t want them to worry. I hope she is safe. I hope she is being loved.

I stared at my hands that were folded together in my lap. I started to take slow deep breaths. I started thinking about the way I should go about this. How I should tell them. I couldn’t structure the sentence completely without thinking about her. I was going to trust them with this secret. I don’t want anyone to know about her. I don’t want anyone to know that I have a daughter because I can only think about what people would say about her mother. The nasty negative comments that leave their mouths not even caring that she was dead and that she had suffered enough. And now that she passed away people were still being negative towards her calling her nasty names which enrage me even more. She was the love of my life and how dare people disrespect her like that. She was a beautiful woman and she made a choice to better the living of our child. But I want to find her I really do.

“Please,” I whispered.

“Please what?” Louis asked

“Please,” I replied.

“Please what?” Liam repeated

“Please get Harry and Bridgette.” I spoke

“Why?” Zayn asked

“Just get them here,” I responded.

I got up off the couch and I heard Louis dial his phone. He was probably calling Harry. I really hope he is. I mean I want to tell them all at once. I want them all to know about her. I don’t want them to be left out. Bridgette will feel horrible. Then again she knows already. I don’t know why she kept this secret from me.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. I assumed that it was Harry and Bridgette entering the room. I didn’t feel like leaving my room just yet. I heard them chatting behind my bedroom door. They were asking all sorts of questions. They wanted answers and I don’t blame them. It was time. They deserve to know because they all loved her. They deserve to know.
I walked over to my door that would place me inside the same room of everyone else. I laced my fingers around the door handle and turned it counterclockwise so that it would unlock and I would be able to open it. I pulled the door towards me and made my out into the hallway. I left my door open and I made my way to the living room.

As I walked into view of them, all their eyes met mine as if they were waiting for me to come. Bridgette smiled at me as if she knew what I was about to say. I walked over to Liam who was standing on the arm of the couch. They were all in a circle of somewhat staring at me. Their eyes pierced my skin as I tried to fathom the words. Trying to process the information of which I am about to release.

I looked at Bridgette and she nodded her head which told me that it was okay. It was okay to tell them about this secret. Judith would want them to know. They were her friends after all. I smiled at Bridgette but it was a small grin not a big toothy grin. I then looked at my feet then back up to my friends.

“Why are we all here?” Harry asked

“Be-ca-ca-use,” I stuttered, “I have something to tell you.”

“Well what is it?” Louis asked

“I ha-a-a-ve,” I stuttered, “a-a-a dau-au-gh-gh-ter…daughter.”

“WHAT!” they all answered.

“We mean great,” Zayn answered.

“How do you know you have one?” Liam asked

“Jude,” I answered.

“She told you before she died?” Louis asked

“No she left me a note,” I took the folded note out of my pocket and handed to them.

Bridgette was staring at me and the smile on her face grew bigger. She was happy to know that I told them. I was happy I told them too. They all studied the letter and I watched them read it. Liam dropped the letter to the floor. I watched it float down to the surface of my hardwood floor. All their eyes met mine as they stared at me. I was waiting for the “You’re an asshole Niall” or the “Really? What were you thinking dipshit?”. They kind of surprised me.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting this,” Louis let out.

“So what do we do?” I asked them

They all looked at me with the ‘Are you serious Niall’ look. I just looked at them clueless. I was expecting a beating or some sort of yelling but I got the total opposite.

“We find her,” Liam spoke.

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Sorry i haven't updated but work has been busy!! I am truly sorry and this is the first time that i am getting around to it. I mean i know people have been waiting for this but i just had time to write it so here is the end product of chapter 4!

Can't believe the boys are on board with him! Niall needs all the help right? Leave comments and uhhhh tell your friends Well thank you beautiful people! I hope you loved this chapter cupcakes!

Love ya'll
Becky xx