Finding "Her" (Sequel to Forever Alone/Niall Horan Fanfic)

My Dearest Niall,

I’m guessing you found my second letter. I knew you would come back to the place where we spent the first night together. Even in that instance I knew that I needed you. I remember that night perfectly. We were both drunk and I didn’t want you walking down to your apartment alone. Yes, I said apartment. I’m not European so I don’t need to call it a flat. I’m American. But you knew that.

So, about that first night. I was drunk and I shouldn’t have said his name but I did. For some reason my emotions got the best of me that night and I exposed my discussing past to you. I didn’t tell you everything about him but speaking his name was enough. The way his name rolled off my tongue that night made me want to rinse my mouth out with bleach. It’s a horrible taste. It’s like when you eat horribly cooked, burnt food. No matter how many times you brush your teeth or rinse your mouth, you can’t get the taste out of your mouth. It lingers against your tongue and you’re forced to live with the taste forever. That’s how I feel about Steve. Just writing his name makes my tongue twitch within my mouth.

After that night we spent together I knew that I needed you in my life. I needed you. And every day that passed and I was with you was well worth living. And if you are seeing this letter and all the other ones after this I guess it means that I really am gone. But Niall know that these letters are going to help you find ‘her’.

I can’t tell you who ‘her’ is because that will ruin the whole surprise. I mean I can but then where is the fun in that? Niall, like I said in the other letter, I am not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I am not going to push you into finding ‘her’ but know that she needs you more than you need her. I know you probably are like “Jude, I can’t love anyone except for you.” But Niall you can and you will.

Love comes in all different forms. You love someone by kissing them, telling them, and making love to them. Then there is love like a father has for his daughter. How he protects her from the cruel world. Then there is love a brother has for his sister. He protects her when the father isn’t around and he takes down anyone who gets in the way. Love can be so different. You need to love someone else. I don’t want you to be moping around. I want you to still love me but learn to love someone else. I know you always told me that I was your soul mate but you will find someone else. Someone else to love that will remind you of me. Remind you of all we had. To continue the story of us. Continue the story of love.

Niall, she is waiting for you. You need to find her. She needs you. I know she does. I met her you know. She is sweet. She is beautiful. She is perfect for you. Niall, you need to find her. She reminds me so much of you. She has a part of you.

I think I just confused you. Didn’t I? I guess I can tell you who ‘her’ is. You want to know? Of course you do. Well, she’s your daughter.

Our daughter.

How you ask? Well, you do know how babies are made don’t you? I don’t have to explain that to you do I? Good! But when? When we made love for the first time. You know since making love is supposed to be made with someone you love. I can’t use sex because that just sits on my tongue like the name Steve. It is a repulsive word for such a beautiful act. Sex is meant to create life. Exchange the love and life of one person to another. To create a whole new being that will grow and experience life. To create an individual who could possible change the world. Making love is not a selfless act unless you do it with someone you truly love and care about. And I truly loved you when we made love for the first time.

Niall, I didn’t tell you I was pregnant because I was afraid that I would’ve lost her. You know since I had my tumor. I didn’t want her to be a burden on you if I so happened to have died. I mean I did die but it was on my death bed that I realized that she would need you one day. She would need you to help her grow. And I know that you won’t be alone. You will have the boys and Bridgette. They will help you. They won’t let you be on your own. They aren’t that mean.

When I came back to London, I fainted and after I woke up in the hospital the doctor told me that they had to remove her from the womb. When I fell I could’ve possibly killed her. I was only seven and a half months pregnant. The chance of her surviving was very rare. But after a month, she was developing great. She was strong. Bridgette said she was strong just like me. But I wasn’t strong anymore.

I was slowly dying while she was getting better. I wasn’t going to live much longer. It was as if I gave all my life to her. All my being was exchanged into her. I had to make a choice. I had to give her away. She needed two loving parents. I don’t know who took her but someone did. But it wasn’t until after Bridgette told me that you guys were back in town that I regretted the decision I made. Our daughter needed her father. Not a family that had taken her in because her mother was dying. She needs the man who conceived her. The man that makes up half of her genes.

She needs you.

I don’t have the family’s contact information and if I did I would’ve given it to you. You need to find her. You need to love her. She needs you. The family was a good choice at the time but I realized that you deserve to know her. You deserve to watch her grow up and you need to teach her about life. You need to pick her up after her first break up. You need to defend her when she gets bullied. You need to teach her right from wrong. You need to teach her to open up her mind and heart to all life has to offer.

She needs to teach you to love again. To find someone new. To be able to live again. Niall, you need her to show you how to love again. You need to love again.

I held her once. I saw her once. She was just so adorable. She has your nose you know. It looks like she is going to have your eyes. I hope she is just like you. So generous and caring. I hope she is always there for the one she loves like you are. I want her to be just like you. I don’t want her to be a scared, fragile human being like I am. I want her to be happy. I want her to be ‘normal’. I don’t want her to be afraid of every turn she faces in life like I was. I want her to feel loved. I want her to be loved. I want her to love.

I haven’t told anyone this but you taught me how to love again. I didn’t think that was possible but I learned to love again. And you will too. Life can throw horrific things at us but we will find people or things that teach us to get back up and face it again. Face life stronger than ever. Learning that life may be bad at one point but after all the bad there is good.

Niall, you will love again. She will teach you. She is half of you. Maybe more than half. It’s just that you need to find her. Find her and show her that you love her. And she may grow up to be one of the most influential people in your life. She may be as smart as Einstein and she may find a cure for cancer. She may become a big movie star or singer. She may be a doctor or a nurse. She can do anything she puts her mind too. It’s your job to be there when it happens. I want you there when it happens.

Now it comes to the part where I tell you what you must do. You must tell the boys. You must tell Bridgette. PS she already knows if you haven’t figured it out already. You need their help to find her. I don’t know if she is in London, America, or another country but you must find her, some way. She deserves to know her father since her mother won’t be there. She needs to know one of the people who conceived her. You can tell her about me if you want. But I don’t want you to confuse her.

Niall, promise me that you and the rest of the boys will find our daughter. She deserves to know who you are. And once you find her you will love her unconditionally. You will show her the true path of life. Show her everything she needs to know. Everything. Promise me? Please?

Niall, I will be here to guide you but I don’t know how much of help I can be of now. For right now just tell the boys. Another letter will be coming soon. I am sorry but as I write this letter I am really weak and can’t write long letters. The doctors will tell me more tomorrow about her. The letters may get shorter. Shorter than this one. I am getting weaker each day. I don’t know how much longer I can write you. Just know that I will tell you when the last letter will be. Niall, please be patient. You’ll find her. I promise. And I don’t break promises and you know that.

I love you,

Judith

Notes