Finding "Her" (Sequel to Forever Alone/Niall Horan Fanfic)

Weeks have passed and I have made no progress. No advancement in finding out who ‘her’ was. And it was really frustrating. I wanted to remove all the hair out of my head because I wanted this all to be over. I wanted to find this ‘her’ and move on. Why must it be so difficult? Judith wanted it to be this way. But I have been losing sleep.

My eyes had bags underneath them. I spent most of my nights trying to figure out what Judith meant by ‘her’. Then again I should really stop. I mean I will be starting my next tour soon. But I can’t help but feel that if I stop I will feel like a failed her. Maybe Judith was lying to me. Maybe she did this to make me suffer like she had when she first found out about her tumor. Was this payback, Jude? Well, what is it?

I decided that tonight I wasn’t going to focus on the letter. I need to get some sleep. I’m a young lad. I need my sleep. I got to keep up with the screaming fans and the rest of the lads. I mean I haven’t laid in my bed for a while. I normally fell asleep either on the couch by the TV or in my chair located by my desk. This night was different. I was going to make it to my bed.

Liam was actually stopping by today. I mean I probably look like a mess but I really haven’t had time to fix myself up. I decided that today was a new day and I had to look somewhat presentable. I had to be on my A-Game and this was my wake-up call. Liam was coming and I had to look like I had some life in me.

I stumbled my way down the hallway to the bathroom. It was a mess like the rest of my flat. I haven’t had any time to clean it. I mean I do have time but it’s too much work and I really don’t feel like doing it. I through some of the stuff on the counter in the small waste bin right next to the toilet. I then looked at myself in the mirror.

My eyes had huge bags under them like I haven’t slept in weeks. Well, that part is true. My pupils of my eyes started to get bigger as I continued to stare at myself in the mirror. My hair was a complete mess. But what guy cares about their hair? I mean I don’t but this was unacceptable. It looked as it my hair was about to fall off because of how bad it looked. I looked terrible. I had taken it too far.

I put my hand into the shower and turned the nozzle to hot. I don’t know when the last time I showered was but I know I smelt terrible. It was worse than Dr. Shields scent. I mean I didn’t have the nice aroma of steak. It was more like the aroma of garbage. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to throw up as my stench lingered throughout the air.

The water must have been warm because the mirror was starting to fog up and I could barely see my disgusting reflection anymore. I undressed myself staring at the clothes I have been in for the past few weeks lie on the floor. I made my way to the shower and stepped in.

I forgot how the warm water felt against my skin. My body tingled as I stood in the shower. I started to wash my hair. I washed it about three times. It had to be clean by now. I put in the conditioner and my hair felt smooth and silky. I missed the way it felt between my fingers. I could feel the soap flow down my face as my eyes remained shut trying not to get any soap in them.

I felt a cold draft pass over me as I stood in the shower trying to clean my hair of all the soap that was in it. I then felt a hand on top of mine. Was this some sort of cruel joke? Was I being robbed? I thought I locked the door. This can’t be happening. My hands were tied to the top of my head. Well, not really tied but it felt like it. I couldn’t move them even if I tried. The force was too strong. I then heard something. I couldn’t part my lips. I felt the soap stream down my face. I really didn’t want the taste of soap in my mouth. All I wanted to do was open my eyes and see who is holding me. But the towel is outside the shower.

“Niall, please be still,” the intruder whispered.

Wait I knew that voice. I shook my head. I knew that they weren’t going to hurt me. But could this be real. Could this really be Judith? She was dead. How could this be? I saw her be buried into the ground. Was this my mind playing tricks on me? What was going on?

“Niall, listen to me,” she spoke, “You got to stop trying to decipher the letter. There is no hidden message. You just need to find her. And I know you have questions but please be patient. I want you to go on your merry way. Start your tour and be with your boys. They need you and you need them. Take care of Bridgette but most importantly take care of her. I promise you that she will love you just as much as I love you. Please be patient. The answers to your questions will all be answered soon. Just live your life for now. When it happens it will happen. I promise. And clean your flat. It’s a mess.”

Then her hands were no longer on top of mine. They were no longer holding my hands. I grabbed the towel to wipe my eyes and when I opened them she was gone. No indication that she was there. No indication that she was actually there. Did that really happen? Did I really feel her? But she gave me instructions and I must follow them. I promised her. I have to keep my promises to her.

I finished up in the shower and dried myself off. I was in the shower for quite a while. I think the warm water was good for me. It helped me clear my mind. It made me realize that I had to move on. I had to make an effort here. I had to do what Judith asked. First I had to clean the flat. It was a mess. I really haven’t noticed it before but it was pretty messy. What did I get myself into too?

I got dressed in a pair of my sweats and a t-shirt. It was quite warm in my flat. Then again outside it was probably freezing. I started with my bedroom. I threw all my dirty clothes into a basket. I got to do laundry later. I then walked out of my bedroom and made my way to the living room. It was a wreck. Food containers were everywhere. I’m surprised that this place hasn’t been condemned or anything. I could’ve sworn I saw a roach of some sort walk across the floor. I had about four garbage bags full of garbage to take out. I put on my hoodie that was hanging in the closet near the front door and grabbed the bags. I made my way down to the bottom floor. I took the lift down because I really didn’t feel like walking down all those stairs.

I walked to the back of the building. As I opened the door to the outside I felt the cold air hit my face. The piercing cold stung my face and I felt my cheeks and skin begin to tighten up as if it were beginning to become dry. I need to put cream on it later. I can’t get frost bite. I threw the garbage bags into the dumpster and made my way back inside. As I entered the building the warm air collided with my cold face and stung me even more. I always hated going outside in the cold for a little bit and then coming back inside and your face going numb from the warmth. After a few minutes I got the feeling back.

I walked down the hallways passed the flats of those who I don’t know the names of. Their doors were all closed probably because they were at work or something. I took the lift back up to my floor. This was the first time that I have really left my flat. I mean this is the first time I actually remember leaving. The other times I left to go to the studio I was in a daze. I really don’t remember much. Should I though?

I got off the lift and made my way down to my room. I stopped at my door looking at the lock. I looked to my left and at the end of the hallway was the place where she used to live. I haven’t been there in forever. The last time I was there was when John broke up with her. Seeing her so distant sitting on the bed was an image etched in my mind that I will probably never forget. The way she was just staring at herself in the mirror as she sat on the bed was just so inhumane. The way she raised her voice when I asked her if anything was wrong was just too hurtful. I can still hear her voice echo throughout my mind. The anger in it. I never thought she could get that way.

I walked down the hall to her door. I don’t think Bridgette lives there anymore. I could’ve sworn I heard the boys talking to Harry about Bridgette moving in with her. So it was empty. Vacant. The manager of the place normally leaves the keys of the vacant rooms underneath the doormat so when people want to come and look during the day they can. Well, that’s what he did for mine. I knelt down onto the ground and slid my hand underneath the welcome mat and felt for the key. I felt a small metal piece underneath the mat and I wrapped my fingers around it. I pulled it out and stared at the key. I stood back up and placed the key into the lock.

The door creaked open as I pushed it inward. I took a step inside regretting the decision I had just made. There was a package of pamphlets on the counter. That’s where I first saw Judith. Her and her friends were throwing a party since they had just moved in. She was sitting on the stool staring out to the people in her home. She had her elbow propped up on the counter as she sipped a beer. She wasn’t paying attention to those around her. She was isolated from the world. I should’ve seen this sooner. Seen that she was broken from the beginning. That she would never open up to another human being without feeling criticized. But later that night I spoke to her. I had gotten to know her. Seen her in the true form she was meant to be. I loved her from that moment. In that moment she was going to be the center of my universe whether she wanted me in her life or not.

I skimmed the walls where the pictures of her, Rachel, and Bridgette once hung. They were all gone leaving the walls bare.

Blank.

It was over as we knew it.

I walked down the hall looking to my right spotting Bridgette’s room. The door was slightly open, probably from someone who looked at the house before. I then made my way to her room. Her room was on the left near the bathroom.

I slowly opened the door. The light was coming through the curtains. I stepped more inside and noticed something. Wait someone. Someone was sitting on her bed. They were staring out the window. Just waiting for something to appear. Waiting. But why?

I took a step closer to the bed trying to make as little noise as possible. I didn’t want to stir this person. They were probably looking at the house trying to get a feel of who lived here and what they had. Then I noticed something in the person’s hand. It was a picture. I squinted just a bit to see the figure in the picture. It was a picture of Judith. Judith and Bridgette at their high school graduation.

Then it clicked.

“Bridge?” I whispered.

The person turned around and I could see that they have been crying. Her eyes were a deep red color as if she has been here for a long time. I felt bad. I really did. She didn’t deserve to feel like this. I walked over to her and I sat down next to her. I wrapped my arms around her and I let her cry into my shoulder. She doesn’t deserve to feel like this. She doesn’t need to feel broken for the rest of her life. She needs to know that life is going to get better. That life throws things at us we don’t expect to happen. She needs to realize that life is challenging her, trying to break her. She must not let life defeat her. Bridgette needs to be the strong one out of all this. She needs to free herself from the hurt.

Bridgette lifted her head off my shoulder and pulled out of our hug. She looked at me with a soft smile on her face. We both had the same idea on our mind. We wanted to visit Judith. We wanted to feel her again. That’s why both of us are in her room right now.

Bridgette looked at the picture in her hand, “I was thinking about her the other day.”

“Me too,” I whispered.

She looked at me, “Niall, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I lied.

“No you’re not. Harry said that you are barely with it at the rehearsals,” she commented.

“It’s just…she is on my mind,” I looked down at my hands.

“She would want you to be happy you know,” she took my hands in hers.

I looked at her, “I know. It’s just…oh never mind.”

“What?” she questioned

Oh I can’t tell her about the promise I made Judith. I can’t tell her that I have felt her presence within the room. I couldn’t tell her that Judith came to me in the shower. I can’t tell her about the letter. I just can’t. I can’t hurt her anymore then she already is. She might think I’m crazy. She might not believe me. I just can’t tell her. Maybe in time.

“Nothing,” I responded.

“Niall, what is it?” she asked again

“It’s just that I miss her so much,” I broke down crying.

Bridgette hugged me, “I miss her too. She’s better now.”

“I know,” I whispered, “I just feel lonely all the time.”

“Do you talk to Dr. Shields about this?” she looked at me

“How do you know about him?” I questioned

“I go to him too,” she responded, “He smells like…”

“Cherry Chapstick and steak,” I spoke.

She laughed, “Yeah! He sure does. But he is a damn good doctor.”

“He has helped me a lot,” I answered.

“Me too,” she smiled.

This is the first time I have seen Bridgette smile in a long time. She never smiles since Judith left us. She was probably in the same sack of sadness as I was. I mean we were both experiencing grief because we both lost someone we were very close too. Judith was our life and now it is as if our life is gone. Faded into the abyss of nothingness.

I sat with Bridgette for a while discussing some of the memories of Judith. She was telling me about how in the fourth grade Judith had a running race with one of their friends and as she was running back she tripped and broke her arm. And Bridgette helped her to the nurse’s office. That’s how they met. Bridgette smiled the whole time that she told the story. It was a memory that she will never forget.

Bridgette left after Harry called her three times. She was meeting up with him for dinner. She hugged me goodbye and made her way out of the room. I was going to stay in Judith’s room for just a little while longer. I needed to be by myself for a minute. I needed space. Liam wasn’t coming for another few hours. I had time to kill.

I laid down on her bed and looked up at the ceiling. I slept in this bed the first night I met Judith. We were both drunk and she told me that she didn’t want to sleep alone. She kept telling me that she didn’t want Steve to get her. At first I thought she was tired and that Steve was some made up character in her mind. I should’ve asked questions sooner but I didn’t want to pry.

I rolled over and looked at the night stand next to the bed. I opened up the drawer trying to see if Bridgette left anything when they emptied out her room. I didn’t want to go through Judith’s things after she passed. I would’ve started crying like a girl and I probably wouldn’t have stopped. I felt around the empty drawer taking up the stray dust particles with my hand. I slid my hand to the top of the drawer when I felt something. It was raised above the surface slightly. It was taped to the top of the drawer. It felt papery. I ripped it from the top of the drawer slowly so I didn’t rip this thing in two.

I pulled it out of the drawer and shut the rest of the drawer. From the reflection of the sun through the shades I could see handwriting on the paper as I held it above me. I slowly rose up off the pillow on the bed and this paper came into focus. It was a letter. Another one? I started peeling the paper. I recognized the writing. It was from Judith. My Judith. It must be about ‘her’.