Finding "Her" (Sequel to Forever Alone/Niall Horan Fanfic)

Her.

Who was she talking about? The word ‘her’ flew through my mind every second of the day trying to get me to figure out who ‘her’ was. I was never given a name. I wasn’t given an address. I wasn’t given a place on where I could find her. I don’t know why Judith wants me to find ‘her’? I thought she would be against me finding someone else. Finding someone else to love. Then again she probably wants me to be happy then just mope around all day. I do have a habit of doing that. But she gave me no clarification on where I can find ‘her’. She hasn’t even given me ‘her’ name. How does Judith expect me to find someone when I don’t even have their name? How?

All I know is that I have to find ‘her’. Whoever ‘her’ is.

I spent weeks trying to decipher the letter Judith had written. It was all I did. My friends around me were living there lives. Some were well off than others. Rachel had moved back home. She couldn’t take the pressure…wait the pain of Judith being gone. I don’t blame her. Liam was heartbroken but he’ll get over it. It’s not like she is dead. I know that’s rude of me to say something like that but he doesn’t know what it’s like to lose someone forever like I have. Rachel has a chance of coming back unlike Judith. Judith had her whole life ahead of her. She was taken too soon.

Other than Rachel leaving, everything has been quite ‘normal’. Then again Bridgette has been in a slump for the past few months. She misses her best friend but Harry comforts her. Bridgette misses her. Well, everyone misses her. Judith would want us to move on with our lives then just sitting around wondering what our lives would’ve been like if she was still here. I would have been easier if she was still here. But we need to learn to move on with our lives because that’s what she would want us to do. She would want us to have fun. But how could I have fun when someone I truly loved died? How do you expect me to do that? How? When you figure it out let me know.

Deciphering this letter was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. I got side tracked for a few hours when the lads came to visit me but I went right back to work once they left. They don’t know about Judith’s proposition and I don’t plan on telling them. This is the last request Judith has given me. This is between Judith and me. I know she is watching me, probably laughing at me as I try to decipher this.

“Judith, what do you want me to do!” I shouted out loud

No answer just silence. I closed my eyes and started to breathe deeply and slowly trying to not get all worked up about this. I shouldn’t get mad at the love of my life. She was always one for surprises. One for making my life hard. Even when she is dead she is challenging me.

“Thank you Jude, for this impossible encrypted message of yours,” I chuckled to myself.

I know she was listening. She is probably laughing at me as I sit here. Please don’t say I’m going crazy because I am not. I am as normal as possible but I can’t keep these comments to myself. I believe that I should speak out loud to her. Maybe she’ll hear me. Maybe just maybe she’ll answer me. Hopefully.

Wait! I sound crazy. Judith is dead and she can’t hear me. She is never coming back and I don’t intend to be hearing from her. I don’t intend on hearing her laugh ever again. It’s a harsh reality but it is the truth. She is never coming back to me. And if deciphering this letter and finding ‘her’ is my answer why isn’t it any easier? Why can’t this so called ‘her’ come up to my door and say ‘Hey, Judith wanted you to find me’ or ‘Hi Niall, I was supposed to find you’. Then again it probably will never be that easy. I should just give up. Give up on everything. Give up on this ‘her’.

Why should I waste my time finding ‘her’ when she could possibly come to me and find me? Why should I waste my time? The street works both ways doesn’t it? This isn’t some one way street. Love works both ways. If ‘her’ and I are meant for each other we will find each other on our own time. Why rush it? It took me a while to know that I truly loved Judith. It was almost a year of us being friends. She was in a relationship with that guy. What was his name? John? Yeah that was his name. John.

John came to the funeral. He was just sad as everyone else. He stood near me. He just couldn’t believe it. I called him the night after Judith died. He deserved to know. He made her happy once. He was a friend of hers. He deserved to know. He needed to know. He didn’t bring his new girlfriend to the funeral. He came by himself. He was dressed like everyone else. One of the many robots at the funeral. Everyone was stunned by the death of such a lovely girl that they didn’t know what to do. It was like everyone was controlled by the same remote. The way they moved up to the coffin in the same fashion was unbelievable. Their steps were never out of line. Left foot…one two three Mississippi. Right foot…one two three Mississippi. Then repeat. A slow procession up to the coffin, it was like they saw a ghost; that this reality was too surreal to be true. It felt like it was just yesterday that I was visiting Judith’s mom in Colorado. That was a good time. That was a good day. Judith was so happy.

Judith was buried back home. Back home in Colorado. We had to make a special trip there. I didn’t mind. It was like I was going to my other home. I loved her mom. But visiting her mom this time wasn’t the best. Her mom was broken. Broken inside and out. Her daughter was taken from this world forcing her family to move on with their lives. Her brother Mark was torn too. He couldn’t accept the fact that his sister was gone. It was just like yesterday that he saw her. She was in the same room as him smiling and laughing with him. She knew how to make everyone laugh. Then you had her little sister Annabel. The funeral was the first time I met her since Judith brought her to the concert. She cried in Mark’s arms all day. Her big sister was gone. She was no longer there to give her advice on the teen years or boys. Poor Annabel. I just don’t know what was going on through their minds as Judith laid there lifeless in the casket.

Did I ever tell you what happened when I went to see her in the casket? I never did? Well, at first I wasn’t up to it. Everyone had said their goodbyes to her. I was the last one to say my goodbyes. Everyone watched me as I walked up to the casket. I felt their eyes on my backs. I was known as her love of her life. Her brother, Mark, had mentioned me in his speech. He kept saying how happy I had made her. How happy I made her? She made me happy. She made me the luckiest man on earth. Without her I don’t know what I would’ve done. She helped me through that break up with Donna. She was always there for me. She listened. She was a great listener. The way her half smile would raise upon her lips made my heart melt every time. The way her laugh echoed throughout the room would be the greatest sound in the world. She was my world. And now my world was crumbling apart. Crumbling down around me. The walls collapsing, of this one great place and it wasn’t the best feeling in the world. I felt like I was going to collapse at the sight of her lying in that casket. Is it bad?

I walked up to the casket and I realized something. That wasn’t her. That body in that wooden box wasn’t her. So limp and lifeless, that body wasn’t her. The Judith I know was full of energy and beauty that it was infectious. She didn’t have to wear a beautiful dress to be stunning. The way she lit up a room with her smile was just beautiful. She could wear sweats and a tee and still be just as beautiful. True beauty to me isn’t the fancy dresses and makeup. It’s the way they make you feel. They don’t need all the glitz and glamour to make you say that they are beautiful. It’s like when they wake up first in the morning. When their hair is a mess and they look as if they been through a leaf blower. But in reality you think they are beautiful just like that. Simplicity is beauty. No need for complex drawings or complex outfits to be beautiful. Judith had simplicity about her. To me nothing could make her not beautiful. She was always beautiful even laying in that casket.

She was in her eternal slumber and I’m not like the little children trying to wake her up. No matter how much I wanted to do that I couldn’t. This was meant to happen. She was meant to die. It was life’s plan for her. Then again we all have a plan in life. We don’t know it unless it happens. But staring at her body in the casket was just overwhelming. I mean in all my life I never thought I would be burying the love of my life so soon. I always thought I would die before the love of my life. Or that if the love of my life did die before me I would have our children and grandchildren next to me. But that didn’t happen. This time was different. Different then my dream.

I stared at her body in that casket for a good twenty minutes before I spoke. I didn’t know what to say. Could she really hear me? Could she really soak in my final words to her? I knelt down next to her because the weight upon my legs was unbearable and my legs were shaking for some reason. I put my hand in hers. I was allowed to touch her. She is mine. Well she was mine. She is in a better place. I intertwined my warm fingers into hers as I looked at her closed eyelids. I traced each crevasse in her face. I imagined how her face changed after she would smile. How each crevasse would change unexpectedly creating a whole new image of her. She was just so beautiful. She is beautiful even in death. It felt as if she was squeezing my hand back but it wasn’t too good to be true. It was just my imagination getting the best of me.

I placed my chin on the casket and just starting whispering to her. I was muttering things that I don’t remember. I think it was just random words. I really didn’t know what to stay to her. I mean except that I missed her but that’s how everyone felt. That’s how everyone was feeling now. After I spent a good amount of time at her casket I got up. Liam wrapped me in a hug when I returned to them. I embraced him and just started sobbing. After I pulled away from him Bridgette came to me. She never really showed affection towards me but we were the only two people who were closest to Judith. She was feeling the same way I felt. She had lost her best friend. Her best friend was gone forever. I wrapped my arms around her and she cried into my shirt. The tears started to flow even faster. It was that when I embraced Bridgette in a hug that it unleashed all our sorrow. The sorrow we have kept in for so long. That everything in the world was ending because someone we loved very much was gone.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I telling you about her funeral? Why? Well, it’s because staring at this letter got me thinking about her again. Got me imagining why she wanted me to find this ‘her’. My life is still revolved around Judith. In some shape or another, Judith finds her way back into my heart. That night at her funeral was the last time I saw her in real life. The last time I got to touch her skin against mine. Feel her soft tender touch brush against my skin.

Reading the letter I received after her death made me get that same tingly feeling. As if the letter was actually her speaking to me. Call me crazy if you want but I know what I feel. It felt as if her hands were on top of mine as I read the letter. I could hear her voice in my head as I read the letter out loud. Like when I held her hand in the casket, it felt as if she was squeezing back. But I know my imagination is getting the best of me. Is it the grief that was getting the best of me? Was this the next stop in my grief cycle? I had someone for that you know?

Dr. Landon Shields.

He was a good grief counselor. He really helped me through this. I haven’t told him about the letter because he’ll probably say something against it. This letter is between Judith and me. If she wanted me to tell someone she would’ve written it. She would’ve told me to tell someone. Dr. Shields doesn’t deserve to know. He smelt like cherry chapstick and steak. Weird smell I know but the smell isn’t the doctor part. That was just his aroma. His horrible aroma that made me want to throw up. Do you know how many times I wanted to run out of that office because of his smell? About ten maybe even more. But he has a lot of insightful wisdom. He is a smart man. I really do think he’ll be something great. He made me realize a lot of things.

He made me realize that just because Judith is gone doesn’t mean my life is entirely over. Judith can still be in my mind but she shouldn’t dominate my thoughts like she did when she was alive. Why should a dead person be on your mind all the time? I mean you can still think about them but I shouldn’t make a shrine to her or anything. I still have pictures of her on my phone and all around my flat but that isn’t crazy. I mean if I find someone else I will simply just tell them what happened. She was after all my best friend.

Dr. Cherry Chapstick-Steak Smelling Shields also told me that I shouldn’t blame myself for her death. You know most people blame themselves for the loss of a loved one. I mean I didn’t cause her to get a tumor but I should’ve been more observant. I should’ve asked questions but how could I have really known what she was going through? She didn’t tell anyone. The only ones that knew were Bridgette, Rachel, and Judith’s mom. I mean Bridgette told me there was nothing the doctors could do. The tumor was too large to be taken out that the risk was very large that she would die during surgery. Since they left the tumor inside her that meant we had more time than trying to take it out. I know I shouldn’t have blamed myself but after someone dies you can’t help but blame yourself. It’s all my fault. And I shouldn’t feel as if it was my fault. Dr. Shields told me that I should be thankful that she lasted as long as she did. Her case was very serious. She could’ve been a lot worse. He also told me that she isn’t suffering anymore and that was the greatest gift I could ever give her. She was happy. She was safe.

Dr. Shields told me that I should spend time with my family and friends because you always need someone in your corner. You always need someone by your side when you are going through a tough time like this. He was right. My mom flew out to see me. She was so sorry that she never got to meet her. She told me that everything was going to be okay. But I knew that already. And I was tired of hearing that.

I didn’t want a pity party. I knew that Judith was gone. And that’s why when I got the letter from her I isolated myself again. Isolated myself for the greater good. I need to find ‘her’. And no one was going to tell me that it was going to be alright or that they were sorry for what happened because I’m tired of hearing that. Tired of those words. They meant nothing to me. They made me feel numb. It brought my mind back to her. Brought my mind back to what I had.

But now I have to focus on what I need to have. What I must get. What I must find. What I must figure out. What I must decipher. It may take me days, weeks, months, maybe even years, but I will get what I need. Wait! It’s not a what. It’s a who. I must find this person.

I must find ‘her’. Not only for me but for Judith. My other her.

Notes