It's quite early in the morning, judging by the digital time on the DVD player, a soft dim light casting through the windows. Louis rubs his eyes, wondering when he fell asleep on the couch, with an elbow digging into his spine. Niall is sleeping in an uncomfortable position half on top of Louis; explains the elbow. He hears a clutter coming from the kitchen, which he now realizes is what woke him in the first place.

Carefully slipping off the couch so Niall doesn't fall off, he pads his way to the kitchen, stepping over a sleeping Liam on the floor in the process, Zyan and Harry no where to be seen. MaryAnn is shuffling around the kitchen, taking a mug from the drying rack and setting the kettle on the stove. She turns around and spots Louis, pausing for a moment.

"I can do that for you." Louis offers politely.

MaryAnn smiles gratefully but waves him off. "No need, dear. Jasper just left. Sorry if I woke you. Would you like a cup?"

Nodding, Louis takes a seat at the island counter on one of the stools. He watches as Rae's mother moves around, notices when she rubs at her swollen, bloodshot eyes. Her light blonde hair is twisted up into a bun, and it looks so much like Rae's when her hair is falling out after she's slept with it. She's wearing a fluffy blue robe that makes the colour of her eyes pop against it, and again, Louis is struck with how much Rae looks like her mother. How much Ronan looked like both of them; same blue eyes, same smile, the soft roundness of his cheeks whenever he smiled; exactly like Rae. He wonders how much worse it is to lose a child, if the level Rae is on is a thousand times worse for MaryAnn. Sadly, he knows it is.

"Are you hungry?" Louis asks, hoping that she'll actually eat something. "Rae made cupcakes, but we can call them muffins so they sound healthier."

MaryAnn sets a mug of tea in front of Louis, staring at him for a moment. Then, she laughs. "It does sound better, doesn't it." She pats his hand fondly. "Milk, love?"

"No thanks, just sugar please." Louis smiles. He's elated that he made her laugh, something he has to tell Rae when she wakes up. MaryAnn places a bowl of sugar and spoon on the counter. "Rae's been worried about you. Doesn't think you're eating enough."

Sighing, the older woman considers this. She eyes one of the cupcakes in a container. Then, she turns, pops the lid open, pulls the paper wrapper down and takes a big bite. It's nothing close to a proper meal, but it'll do for now. She finishes the treat while Louis stirs sugar into his tea, taking cautious sips.

"You are so good for her, Louis." MaryAnn tells him, smile growing soft as the dawning light begins to turn into a gentle gold. "I've never seen someone care for her like she deserves. You do, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For all of you lovely boys."

"I love your daughter, Ms. White." Louis confesses, eyes dropping to his steaming cup of tea. She deserves to know, and figures Rae hasn't really had time to sit down with her mother and tell her.

"I think you can call me MaryAnn, at this point, Louis." She smiles kindly. "And I know, I can see it. One doesn't threaten to steal a plane just to see someone." She winks. "Liam told me."

Louis grumbles against his mug. He looks up when Niall walks into the kitchen, Pepper curled up in his arms. "Morning, should I make some food?" Niall questions.

MaryAnn perks up a little, putting down her her cup. "Who is this pretty kitty?"

"This is Pepper Potts." Niall informs her brightly, while MaryAnn pets the cat.

"From Iron Man?"

Louis loves this family's loves of superheros. Seems to be this on going love for the Marvel Superhero millionaire. He watches as MaryAnn coos softly at Pepper, scratching her finger under the cat's chin, causing purrs to fill the room. The moment is quickly broken however, when someone shouts from the second floor.

"Louis!" Harry's voice shouts from upstairs. The urgency in his voices makes them snap their heads towards the stairs. MaryAnn takes a forward step, but Louis stops her.

"I've got it, Ms. White." He assures her, sliding off the stool.

Niall hands Pepper over to MaryAnn. Instead of correcting Louis to use her first name, she just frowns deeply. Concerned for her daughter and why Harry sounds so pressing. Louis ushers her out of the room, just as Harry calls his name again. He makes sure Niall has his arm hooked with MaryAnn's before quickly dashing through the room, bypassing a disgruntled yet alert Liam, taking the stairs two at a time. When he reaches the landing, he comes face to face with Harry. He looks a little pale, his jade colored eyes wide and a little frightened.

"Haz?" Louis questions, concerned. "What is it?"

Harry shakes his head. "It's really bad, Lou." Then taps at his chest.

Louis' stomach churns. "Hey, it's okay, alright? Could you make some tea for her?"

Harry nods again, shoots him a grateful look and hurries downstairs. Louis takes a deep breath, trying to calm his anxious heart, and shakes out his hands. Bracing himself, Louis walks the short distance to Rae's room. The door is wide open and Zayn has Rae hunched over her thighs, a clear sign to help her breath easier. He's got a firm hold on her wrists, and looks up when he spots Louis. He leans down to say something in Rae's ear and she nods before he gets up. Rae shoves her hands under her thighs.

"I left her alone for a few seconds, Louis." Zayn informs quietly. "I'm not sure what happened. She woke up having a panic attack, and I was able to calm her, or at least I thought. I left to go to the loo and when I came back..." Zayn shakes himself for a moment.

Louis hasn't taken his eyes off of Rae. He watches as she tries to inhale deeply, counting to herself before exhaling. "How bad?"

"Pretty bad, mate. Harry was already coming up the stairs apparently and walked in on her doing...she's bleeding. Scratched herself up pretty bad."

If Louis' stomach hasn't already fallen to his feet, it's at the core of the earth by now. "Check on Harry, yeah? Make sure he's okay too. I've got her from here."

Zayn lifts a hand to his shoulder and squeezes. "Call if you need anything. I'd stay but-"

"You're good, mate." Louis smiles the best he can. Once Zayn leaves, Louis closes the door, then slowly walks over to Rae. "Raelyn." Louis says gently, kneeling down in front of her. He takes her hands out from her thighs, running soothing circles over her knuckles. "Can you breathe?"

Rae nods.

"Can I..." Louis mentally has to brace himself again. "Can I see?"

It takes several moments. When Rae finally straightens up, the reveal of her chest causes a gasp to escape Louis' mouth before he has a chance to stop it. He suddenly feels sick, and his heart drops to join his stomach. That first tiny scratch is minuscule now compare to this.

Rae's chest looks like a morbid display of fireworks, various shades of pinks and reds standing stark against her skin. There's a wide variety of scratches that are deep enough to draw lines of blood. If Louis didn't know any better, he would think Rae tried giving Pepper a bath. It really looks like a cat used her chest as a scratching post.

Louis can count at least five distinctive lines etched into her skin, broken and jagged. He can see where her nails dug into her flesh, just below her collarbones. They start out wide, and then pull in closer to the middle, like she was kneading her own skin. Thankfully, despite this horrid situation, there are the only three that are truly bleeding. Her skin around the cuts is flaming red however, still irritated from her long, and abnormally sharp nails. He makes a mental note to have then trimmed down.

The lowest sits just at the start of her cleavage, dips between the subtle valley, and this is horrible. Louis watches a thin streak of blood that's slowly making its way down her shirt, and his throat tightens. He has seen what he thought was the worst of this earlier, and he's positive it has never gotten this bad before. Well, he's not sure what she was like after Vinny's funeral, but that was then and this is now, and Louis has a job to do. Almost automatically, Raelyn slips her right her hand out of his left, going to add more to the injury, but Louis catches her wrist in time. Instead, he laces his fingers with hers and holds tight.

"Fucking hell, Rae." Louis cruses breathlessly. "Have you not realized how bad this, love? Doesn't it hurt?"

Rae looks down, stares at her red skin with raised lines. She shakes her head. Her eyes meet his and he never, ever wants to see this tragically vacant look in her blue eyes again. Louis can barely see the gold speck in her right eye. His heart is literally breaking in his chest; can feel the shards of it falling to his feet. If she doesn't realize or feel what she's been doing to her chest then, well. Fuck.

***

Louis can't help it anymore, can't ignore that tight feeling in his chest crawling its way up to his throat. His eyes begin to prickle with the tears he's been suppressing since they left France. As he runs a small flannel under the faucet, the edges of his vision blur with tears. He blinks rapidly, trying to hold them in just a little longer. He doesn't want Rae to see how much this is really affecting him, see how red his eyes are.

Red, like the flaming skin on her chest plate. Red, like the blood she keeps drawing from herself. Her skin is so scratched, maroon and streaked with lines welted and scraped. She's made her chest that way because she literally can't feel anything else, physically can't shed the tears she desperately wants too. It's too much watching her try to reach her heart, trying to rip it out if it makes the pain just stop. It breaks his own to watch Rae handle her mother, pretends she's fully put together to feed her mum, or give her more support than herself. Difficult to watch as she tries to make herself function. Hard to watch her cave into herself, to not even look at her camera, to hardly even look at him.

Hot water stings at his hands before Louis realizes the temperature. He sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, quickly pulling his hands away and twisting the water off. He shakes his hands out, picks up the flannel he dropped in the process and squeezes out the more hot than warm water. Once he's collected the antiseptic from under the sink, along with plasters and gaze pads and other various supplies, he takes a look in the mirror. Unfortunately, attempting to keep his eyes free from the colour red fails him. He shakes his head, looks up to clear his tears away and gathers everything he needs and heads back to Raelyn's room.
She's still sitting on her bed, hasn't moved from the spot where Louis told her to stay put. She's staring at the wall, and when Louis follows her gaze, he sees one of the more recent pictures of Ronan, edges tucked into the frame of the mirrored closet. Louis' heart twinges, inhales slowly. Rae photographed her brother so perfectly.

The camera is zoomed close to his face like a portrait photo. He doesn't know how she was able to do it, but she captured his innocent in this one picture. Maybe it has to do with how his incredible blue eyes are full of wonder; wide like they just beckoned the colour of the sky. His small lips are slightly parted, as if he was mesmerized by his sister; Louis relates to that feeling. Probably has the same look on his face every time she gets behind her camera. There's a hint of an edge of a beanie on Ronan's head, just barely making it into the frame. The photo is in black and white, save for the colour splash of his eyes, and it's so hauntingly beautiful.

Louis collects himself, pulling his eyes away from the picture to the task at hand. The flannel has cooled down some, and when he gently places it over Rae's chest, she startles. Other than her little jump at his touch, Rae remains stoic, stormy eyes still locked on the photo. He gently dabs at the open cuts, trying to stop some of the bleeding from the deeper scratches.

Once Louis thinks he's done all he could do for that part, he takes the smaller flannel, folds it into a square and generously soaks some antiseptic into the fabric. He considers the horrific artwork displayed below her collarbones, exposed from the scoop neckline of the tank top she's wearing. He decides to start with the deepest and longest looking wound, leaving the smaller one to work with last. He double checks the spot where the liquid is heaviest, then presses the alcohol soaked towel to her skin. That gets a reaction.

Rae hisses, snapping her head towards Louis and reflexively grabs his wrist. Her eyes lock with his and Louis' heart flutters with a surge of hope. Because her eyes suddenly look so much clearer than when he first arrived here. It feels like she's finally seeing him, truly, clearly seeing him. It's like the external pain brings her out of that weird, concerning stage of grief. The moment passes and Rae finally speaks.

"That really hurts!" She scolds accusingly. Her eyebrows drop in a perpetual frown. "What the hell is that?"

"Antiseptic." Louis says dryly, eyes dropping and continues to dab along the open cut. A wave of relief washes through Louis. She sounds a little like herself as well, despite the lingering traces of sadness in her voice.

"Well it stings."

"Maybe if you didn't feel the need to rip up your skin until it's a bloody mess, we wouldn't have this problem." He snaps.

He doesn't mean to be snippy, and he understands why she subconsciously does it, but it's still so frustrating to see. Louis feels her grip tighten around his wrist, stopping his caretaking for the moment. When he meets her eyes again, he isn't expecting the self-loathing he sees there.

"I can't help it sometimes." Rae mumbles sheepishly. "I don't even realize I do it half the time."

Louis sighs wistfully. "And when you do realize it?"

Rae isn't stupid. He knows she knows what he's really asking. Why does she feel the need to harm her own skin? Her fingers slack a little around his wrist, just enough to allow Louis to continue. He doesn't, not yet. He watches her nervously chew her lip before answering.

"I thought," Rae begins quietly, "that maybe this would be it. I would be able to finally cry about something. That when Ronan di- when...in my arms and..."

Louis can literally feel her chest tighten and spasms beneath his hand. So he uses his free hand to tenderly stroke his fingers along her jaw. Rae shivers involuntarily, relaxing into his touch. She inhales deeply, chest rising and falling under his hand, and continues.

"I didn't though. Nothing came out. Nothing felt right. There was just nothing. I can barely remember driving home, or leaving the hospital. I just felt so empty. I feel empty. It's so strange to feel so hollow and I know I should be feeling something! It isn't right, Louis. My mother has been crying her eyes out for days. She's devastated and I can't shed a fucking tear." Rae pinches the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. Her eyes squeeze shut for a moment.

"Louis." Her voice is soft, sounds heavy with confession. "Half the reason I do it is to feel it. Just to...feel the pain. To fucking feel something because I'm sick and tired of being so...so-"

"Strong?" Louis finishes for her. He knew it. He fucking knew it was more than just to stop the simple spasms.

"What?" Rae frowns, baffled. "Have you seen me lately?"

Louis puts the small towel down to take hold of both her hands in his. "I always see you." He tells her sincerely. "You may think, and yeah, you may look like you're falling apart, but the second you have to take care of your mum, it's like a switch. You just turn on this focus mode you have for her, that her needs are all that matter. You do it for her, you did it with Ronan. For everyone on that seventh floor. For all those kids, for the lads. For me. You do all of this for everyone but yourself."

Louis pauses, considering his next words while simultaneously trying to ignore how blue her intense gaze is. He looks down at their hands, fingers tangled together. When he meets her eyes again, he smiles, just the faint pull of his lips.

"You've done it before. You don't let anyone see your weakness because you think you have no one to be your stronghold. Your rock. Your anchor." Louis squeezes her hands on the last word. Rae's breath hitches. "It's okay to fall apart, Rae. Please, please do that, actually. This...shell of yours scares me, quite honestly."

Rae's eyes drop down to her chest, a gesture Louis immediately comprehends.

"Exactly. Purposely causing yourself pain isn't going to do anything good for your health, and make me pull my hair out in worry. I worry about you. I was so worried about you that I demanded to come back two days early. I care about you. I love you." Louis' heart is racing, and judging by the faint pulse of her wrist, hers is too. His gaze hasn't faltered, holding Rae's so intently, so intense, he feels the air change around them. Rae's lips are slightly parted, shaky breaths going in and out.

"I am right here for you, Raelyn." He whispers, "I have been. I will always be here for you. You're safe to fall if you feel like you can't be strong anymore. Always."

Louis must have been more serious, more sincere than he was letting on, because Rae's intense expression changes. Her eyes soften, eyebrows losing their tense frown. Slowly, she pulls her right hand out of his grip, bringing her hand up to his cheekbone. He has the slightest feel of déjà vu, before Rae's fingertips are grazing softly against his skin, feels how damp it is.

"Louis," She says his name so softly, so tender. "Why are you crying?"

Louis tries to blink away his silent tears. "Because you can't. Because I love you, and because I love Ronan."

Rae's eyes are shinning with all kinds of emotion. Then suddenly she's leaning forward, lips softly pressing just under his eye, kissing away his tears. The sensation makes Louis' heart skip a beat and his stomach twist into knots. Then she presses her free hand against her exposed, marred skin and Louis is quick to catch her wrist. He tisks with his tongue, moves her hands together until she takes the hint and entwines her own fingers with each other.

Louis gets back to work, tells Rae not to move while he finishes cleaning the cuts. She inhales sharply once or twice when the antiseptic makes contact, but otherwise she sits still. Louis begins to hum softly, knowing the sounds will aid in relaxing her a little more. He can feel Rae's eyes on him, but he keeps dabbing at her chest until the bleeding stops.

He places the flannel in a small plastic bag he found under the sink, blood stained in various places, before he moves on to the ointment. After he squeezes some on a cotton ball, he gingerly rubs the cream over each exposed scratch. The humming soon turns into words, slipping past his lips as he works on Rae's chest. A soft, slow, lowly sung song he knows he shouldn't even be singing, and starts the second verse of it.

"You tell me that you're hurt and you're in pain,
And I can see your head is held in shame
But I just wanna see you smile again
See you smile again

"Don't burn out
Even if you scream and shout
It'll come back to you
And I'll be here for you

"I will carry you over fire and water for your love,
And I will hold you closer,
Hope your heart is strong enough
When the night is coming down on you, we will find a way through the dark

'I wish that I could take you to the start, I'd never let you fall and break your heart..."

Louis can't help himself. He looks up from his task, holding Rae's gaze and sings the next lines to her.

"And if you wanna cry or fall apart
I'll be there to hold you"

He drops his eyes back down to her chest, hears her breath hitch. He continues onto the chorus, skipping over some parts, and begins to unfold one of the gauze pads so it's a long rectangle.

"What is that?" Rae suddenly asks, voice breaking through his singing.

"New song." Louis replies, carefully holding the gauze up to the biggest cut. He frowns, because it doesn't cover up the cut straight, so he angles it until it does.

"I've heard it before." Rae tells him. She removes one hand, coming up to her chest. Louis is a second away from slapping her hand away, but sees she's only helping by holding the gauze in place.

Louis tries hiding his smile by rubbing his lips together. "Sang it to you over the phone not too long ago."

As he works, he can see Rae trying to remember that phone call. It was the only song that kept popping into his head the whole time she was having a panic attack. Granted, it was the last song they recorded on the album and it's been stuck in his head for a while.

"When you almost stole the jet?"

"Could've too. Apparently it's frown upon when you don't have a piloting license."

There's a strange, sharp sound that escapes into the room. A mix between a snort and a half syllable laugh. Louis looks up stunned. Rae has her other hand covering her mouth, eyes wide and stunned just as Louis feels.

"Was that...did you just laugh?" Louis questions, all the air knocked out of his lungs.

If possible, Rae's eyes widen more, and Louis compares them to saucers. He now understands that expression. Slowly, Rae nods. Louis' heart soars for a moment, before he abandons the plasters and gauze in his hands. Louis pulls Rae's hand away from her mouth, at the same time he uses his other hand to pull her down by the back of her neck, his lips quickly connecting to hers.

It's been two fucking weeks without the feel of her lips against his, and Louis is buzzing. Feels like the first time he kissed her; heart rabbiting and stomach fluttering with warmth. His fingers slipping through her dark hair, and slowly, ever so gently, releases her hand to cup her jaw in his palm. He feels her fingertips rest on his cheekbone, while she places her other hand right over his heart.

Louis has missed this. He has missed her and since she's been checked out lately, this kiss is incredible to him. Hopes that this really is the end of that haunting shell of hers. Reluctantly, Louis pulls back, watching as Rae's eyelashes flutter, her eyes slightly gazed over.

"Alright?" Louis can't help but chuckle, brushing the hair that's fallen over her shoulder back.

The smile that spreads across her lips is real and full and Louis can see teeth. This is defiantly a victory to count, however small it may be. Rae huffs something that sounds like a laugh, pressing her forehead to his own.

"Yeah. Yeah, good."

They stay like that for several moments, Louis pecking her lips twice more before separating. He finishes patching up her chest, making sure the gauze and plasters aren't irritating the reddened skin around it.

"Have I ever truly thanked you for everything?" Rae asks, while Louis gathers the used products.

"There's no need to, love." He says, smiling brightly at her.

Rae grabs his face between her hands, and leans down to press a soft kiss to his lips. It's every thank you she's ever wanted to say to him, and to Louis, it's more than enough.


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Notes