Ronan: To the Moon and Back

After Rae's all cleaned and patched up, the supplies put away, Louis takes her hand in his then leads her downstairs. Almost immediately when reaching the floor, a pair of black gloves are shoved in Rae's face. Louis' about to scold Zayn for nearly punching Rae in the nose, but the look on his face is serious. Zayn may come off as quiet, some times indifferent to certain situations, but Louis knows him well enough that the tightness around his caramel coated eyes means Rae's assault on her own skin haunts him. He cares much deeper for her than he lets on. She takes them without a word, but offers a sheepish smile.

Then Harry steps up with nail clippers in his hand, and Louis thinks if it weren't for his charming smile and dimples Rae would be giving him much more than an petulant pout. When there's a knock the door, Rae sarcastically cheers, allows Harry to clip the last nail then hurries to answer the door. It doesn't stop from there.

All day it seemed like the door was knocked on, or the bell rang every hour or so, and three times only fifteen minutes apart. It got to the point where Niall had to take a hammer out of Rae's hand so she wouldn't bash in the doorbell. She may or maybe not be a little unstable, her mood swinging from depressingly empty almost, to snippy and angry.

At first, Raelyn was the one to answer the consistent beckoning, trying to greet her family members without much emotion on her face. She allows herself to be pulled in for sympathy hugs, and kisses and takes whatever food dish they have to offer before leading them into the kitchen. Louis keeps a careful eye on her every chance he can. He watches as her fingers twitch for her chest, sees the way she mentally grounds herself, calms herself, and if it starts to get too much for her in front of her family, Louis steps in.

He'll introduce himself, calling over whichever boy is nearest to do the same. It gives Rae the time to collect herself, or step out of the room to breathe properly. Only once did she have another attack, and that was in reaction to her grandparents showing up; her mother's parents. When Rae opened the door to reveal the two people she hasn't seen for years, she launches herself into her grandmother's arms. It's as close to being herself as Louis thinks he'll get. It goes downhill, however, when MaryAnn walked into the kitchen, spots her parents and just breaks down all over again.

"Oh daddy." MaryAnn had sobbed, practically falling into his arms. Her mother had join the small hug as well.

Rae had been a witness to this along with Louis and Liam. She watched her mother collapse in her grandfather's arms, watched as her grandmother hurried over to hug her daughter. Watched as her grandfather, who seems like the strong, sturdy type of man, shed tear after tear down his face. Rae nearly dropped the casserole dish, almost slipping from her slack fingers, before Liam reacted quickly and took the dish from her hands. Slowly, Rae joined her family, ducking under her grandfather's arm, and snuggled between him and his wife. Liam nudged Louis's around, jerked his head towards the backyard and followed his lead.

They were silent sitting outside, patiently waiting to go back in once the heartbreaking reunion was over. It didn't taken very long before there was a frantic tapping on the glass behind them. Both boys turned around in time to see Rae hunched over, using the counter as support, hand digging at her exposed skin, with her mother hovering next to her. Louis jumped up, barely allowing Rae's grandfather to slide open the door to get inside.

MaryAnn had stepped back once Louis got to Rae, saying, "I can't calm her like you can."

Three hours had passed after that, with Rae's grandparents looking on in shocked concern and her mother motioning them out of the room. It didn't take long for Louis to calm her, doing his usual soothing methods, but it did leave new bloody marks below her collarbones; the gauze having fallen fall during the attack. He absolutely has no idea what to do for that anymore.

The gloves only work sometimes, before Rips then off her own hands, claiming the leather too rough on her skin. But then she'll still managed to pierce her already raw and broken skin with her shortened fingernails; it's basically a lose, lose. Jumpers hardly help, she only has one turtle neck, and Zayn actually threatened to duct tape her hands together if she didn't stop. She stole his box of cigarettes in retaliation, and dumped them all down the toilet.

It was the first time Louis, and the other three boys, have ever seen them be truly angry with each other. Zayn and Raelyn have had this unspoken bond ever since she caught him outside the hospice, like they just gained a type of understanding with each other. It's unnerving to see golden sparks and blue lightening colliding. Rae turns her back on Zayn, stomping out of the room, and leaves him to release a frustrated sigh, shoving his hands in his hair and pulling.

"She's going to need stitches if she keeps fucking doing that!" Zayn says, exasperated.

"She doesn't mean too." Harry defends quietly,

Louis seconds that. "She can't help it, Z."

Niall is nervously biting his nails, looking between the three of them. Liam's not saying anything, but keeps his eyes fixed where Rae disappeared to.

"Come off it, Louis!" Zayn sneers. "You know she does it half the time to feel something. She confessed to that!" He takes a deep breath to calm himself. "You know half the reason she does it is so she feels something other than the real pain in her chest. Scratching at her skin like that is a form of self harm, Louis. I know you know that."

It's a thought that's always been in the back of Louis' mind, and he drops his head because Zayn is terrifyingly on point. Him bringing up the previous night however, when Louis told them what Rae said to him in private was a slap of reality. Both Harry and Zayn are right. Recently though, it seems like it's more so to feel something other than empty, in Rae's own words. He feels sick.

"Look." Zayn continues, more composed now, worry written all over his face and tone. "I'm just saying, she's going to give herself an infection if she keeps at it. I'm just...concerned is all. You're not the only one who cares about her, you know." He doesn't say it in spite, but as a reminder.

It makes Louis pick his head up, his eyes catching the two small indents on his inner forearm, nestled between the spaces of his tattoos. Marks left over in the shape of her nails.

"I know." He sighs in defeat. "You're right. I just don't know how-" Suddenly, Louis is interrupted by Rae rushing back into the room, straight towards Zayn.

"I'm so sorry," She tells him vehemently, taking both of his hands in hers. "That was really stupid and immature of me to do. I was just angry and I don't really have a reason to be and I know-"

"Rae." Zayn tries, his lips tugging up at the corners.

She continues as if she doesn't hear him. "-You're just looking out for me and that's all you've all been doing and I'm a right tosser for doing something like that. I shouldn't have dumped them in the toilet-"

"Raelyn-"

"That's rather disgusting and I'd fish them out for you if I didn't already flush them, even though it'd still be disgusting-"

"Oh my god-" Zayns chuckles.

"So I'll just buy you a new pack right now, if that's alright and I really, really hope you'll-"

The only reason her words stop is due to Zayn's hand over her mouth. Louis is in near shock at this point, this being the most Rae has said ever since the got here. She looks so guilty now, like a puppy who used their owners shoe as a chew toy and came back to apologise for it. Mood swings. Now if one of those mood swings can actually keep her laughing for more than ten seconds, he'd be grateful.

"It's alright, Raelyn, I swear." Zayn tells her, dropping his hand from her mouth. "I shouldn't have threatened you with use of heavy duty tape. I've got more in the car. So it's good, yeah? We're good?"

Nodding, Rae bites her lip, then slumps into his arms. Zayn stumbles a little at the unsuspecting weight. "I'm just so tired."

Zayn throws a helpless look over his shoulder, and Louis takes that as his cue to help him basically drag her over to the couch.

***

That was how all six of them had ended up either on the sofa or settled on the floor by it. The knocking at the door has finally stopped, finished with MaryAnn's cousin, who just happened to be Vinny's mother. She stuck around as long as she could, offering to drive the grandparents back to their hotel. It was the only time Rae got up, greeting her with a long over due hug. Her name's Carol and she drove all the way from Leeds to be there for Rae's mum, knowing exactly what it's like to lose a child.

Louis' been watching Rae drift in and out of sleep for the past hour with her head nestled on his lap. Snuggled between him and Niall with her feet tucked under Niall's thigh. Once and while, she'll be startled back into full consciousnesses, most likely from the beginning of her haunting nightmares. Louis holds tight to her hands, fingers laced so she doesn't attack her chest; which is now covered with an ACE bandage, all thanks to Liam. When she's not trying to maul her skin, or complaining how the bandage itches, Louis plays with her hair knowing it helps soothes and relaxes her.

They've got The Breakfast Club playing softly on the TV, some snacks and tea laid out on the table for anyone to eat. No one really does though, plus there's enough real food in the house, along with the many variations of baked goods from when Rae had her baking streak.
A soft sigh pulls Louis' eyes from the movie down to his lap, watching as Rae's eyelashes flutter against her cheekbones. He leans down as far as he can, the bending of his back straining his muscles a bit, and places a tender kiss on her temple.

It causes Rae to turn her head and look up at him as he straightens back up. The air from his lungs snags in his throat when they make eye contact. She's so beautifully broken, it tugs painfully at his heart. The colour of her eyes are still the same stormy blue when she first opened the door to them. Filled with heartbreak, unbelievable despair, and loss, but the speck of gold is still there, a bright jewel beneath the water.

It contrasts against the dark circles under her eyes, a constant reminder of the lack of sleep she's been having lately. Her skin is still pale, but not as much as before, and her pink of her lips standout against her skin, a lot smoother now that she's drinking liquids other than alcohol.

She blinks sleepily up at him, a private smile barely gracing her mouth and brings the hand still locked around hers to her lips. She kisses each of his fingertips, and Louis knows without a doubt it's in appreciation. They haven't had too much time to themselves, but he knows this small show of affection is expressing her gratitude. He can't stop the warm buzzing in his stomach that's rising to his chest and it makes him want to say those words again.

He thinks she really needs to hear them, so he can't really stop himself when they sit on the tip of his tongue. He brushes his fingers through her hair again, leans down again, his nose brushing along hers, so that his lips are hovering over their intertwining fingers.

"I love you." He whispers against her fingertips.

Rae inhales slowly, blinking up at him when he pulls back a little to relieve the stress on his back. Louis hopes it's alright to say again, searching her eyes for any signs of discomfort. She reacts far simpler than the first time. She actually smiles, still not enough to show teeth, but enough to be defined as one.

Then she closes her eyes, presses her lips firmly against his fingers once more and says, "I know."

It's soft, and sweet, and makes Louis' heart beat erratically with a sense of hope. He pulls their hands away from her mouth, and leans down again to press his lips softly against hers. He feels her response with the slightest pressure, keeping his lips on hers until someone clears their throat. That's when Louis promptly forgot they are still in a room with other people, and Judd Nelson is running through the school halls banging on lockers and singing at the top of his voice.

Louis pecks one more kiss to Rae's lips before he straightens up completely. She blinks up at him one more time, then turns her head again to watch the film. He tries to ignore it for as long as he can, thinks that maybe Rae falls asleep before he finally turns his head to where Niall is staring at him with wide eyes. Louis forgot he is sitting right next to them, and simultaneously forgets that he hadn't told any of the boys that he dropped the 'L' bomb right before they left for France. There's rapid knocking at the door that causes Rae to groan in exhausted annoyance, though she remains still.

Louis ignores it as well because Niall is suddenly mouthing to him; You told her?

Louis nods slowly, shrugging. "I meant to tell you." He barely whispers. He sees MaryAnn come out of her room to answer the door.

"Did she...?" Niall trails off, eyes flicking towards the door briefly. Louis shakes his head no.

There's a series of sounds that comes from the front of the house; the door opening, a shocked gasp, then a huff of air, followed by a greeting. The voice isn't MaryAnn's, but that of the guest, whose voice is deep and a little rough around the edges. It's this greeting, this voice, that causes a reaction from the sleepy girl on Louis' lap.

Rae sits up so fast, she nearly knocks her head into Louis' chin and accidentally kicks her heel into the pressure point of Niall's thigh. Louis is abruptly alert, due to Rae's hand digging bruises into his knee and popping the knuckles of his hand she's holding in hers. Her whole body is tense and rigged, and there's a muscle twitching with how tight she's clenching her jaw. When Rae slowly turns her head towards the door, Louis catches the raging fire in her eyes, so, so thankful this heated look is not directed at him.

"Raelyn?" Harry questions cautiously from the floor, alerted from her movements.

Apparently Louis and Niall aren't the only ones to notice her behavior. Rae's up and off the couch in a flash, stepping over Harry's legs to make her way towards the door. Her hands that were just on Louis are now clenched in tight fists, skin pulled tight over tendons. Louis twists to get a better look at the man still standing in the foyer. He has never seen this person before, but as the man smiles tentatively, two dimples dent in his cheeks and Louis is struck
with a sickening realization.

"What the fuck are you doing here!?" Rae hisses through clenched teeth.

The man takes a step forward, and MaryAnn counters with taking one back, as if she's stopping him from getting about further into her house. Any closer to her fuming daughter.

"Can't a father come mourn his son?"

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Notes

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