Louis has never seen so many baked goods in one place outside of a bakery, but this, this takes the cake; no pun intended. All the space on the kitchen counters are occupied by varieties of different cupcakes, biscuits, and Louis swears that's a tiramisu cake. There's flour sprinkled on the stove and floor, a couple of spear chocolate chips by the mixer and yeah, that's an blackberry pie, sitting by the sink. It could feed their whole tour crew.

He's also never seen Rae drunk before; ever. Her eyes have this shiny tint to them, if a little clouded over. This is anything but giddy tipsy, or pissed, he's not quite sure how much she's had to drink already before they got there. He was informed by Kari, who had gotten his number out of Rae's phone once it was charged, that she had taken away a half empty bottle of red wine, and an empty 375ml bottle of Jameson. Louis didn't even notice what is probably the same wine bottle in her hand, lips tinted from the colour. She sways a little on the spot, wobbling next to Zayn, pointing to the desserts on the counter.

"I baked." Rae announces unnecessarily.

She sways again, this time stumbling a little into Zayn, who's quick to catch her around the waist with one arm. Without her seeing, Zayns hands his own unopened bottle of wine to Liam, motioning for him to get it out of the house. He steadies her on her feet, shooting a panicked look over Louis' way. He comes to help, confiscating the nearly empty bottle from her loose grip. Rae leaves Zayn's hold and opts for Louis instead, blinking like she's memorizing him in detail.

"Hi, love." Louis greets her softly, wrapping his arms around her waist in case she stumbles again.

Rae brings her hand up to his face, fingertips grazing under his eye and trailing to his cheekbone. Her touch leaves goosepimples along the way and a shiver down his spine. She traces along his jaw, over the light stubble growing there, over to his lip, then back to his eye.

"Don't cry." She's whispering, wine scented breath ghosting over his lips. "I can't cry. So you don't cry."

Louis is a bloody idiot. It all makes sense now; the baking, stress baking, the bottles of alcohol, her utter exhaustion. Raelyn physically can not cry, can't show a form of grief by shedding tears, and even though he spent two hours trying to coax her through her panic attack, he had idiotically forgotten that fact. He doesn't doubt that his own eyes are probably a little bloodshot from his own tears. There's a pressing need to check beneath her shirt now. Has to see the damage done to her skin, but when Louis tries to gently pull down the collar of her shirt, Rae detaches herself.

She's frantically shaking her head, hair falling out from the messy braid it's in. She stops then, possibly from the vertigo she just gave herself and presses her right hand into her chest. She's not digging, or clutching, but just firmly pressing down. The room's been quiet since she commanded Louis not to cry, all watching her carefully to see what she'll do next. The next several moments passes in tense silence, but all she does is stand there staring at him.

"Lou," Harry speaks up from behind him, he's been holding a sleeping Pepper this whole time. Louis barely tilts his head in his direction. "Maybe we should get her to bed."

This snaps Rae out of her dazed look. She looks over Louis' shoulder, like she sudden remembers everyone else is there. She blinks once, then with the grace and balance she didn't have a minute ago, turns on her heel and a walks out of the kitchen, narrowly avoiding Liam who has come back. Louis sighs, rubbing a hand down his face, scrubbing at his eyes. This isn't going to be easy at all, and he's mentally trying to prepare for anything that could happen.

"Jesus Christ." Niall huffs out. "Whadd'ya still standing there for, Louis? Go after her."

Right. That's probably a solid suggestion. "Right. Yeah, alright. Someone check on her mum though?"

"I've got it." Liam offers kindly.

Louis follows where Rae took off, hesitating only to watch Liam leave the kitchen as well, and finds Rae sitting on the sofa with both hands over her heart. His own breaks for her, has this feeling that's all it's going to be doing for however long it takes to get her through this. She's curled up in the corner, knees to her chest, just staring blankly at the empty fireplace.

He cautiously sits next to her, places his hand on her knee and rubs soothing circles with his thumb. He knows words are not something she needs right now. All she needs is someone to just be there for her, right next to her, so that when she does finally feel like talking, she can. He doesn't know too much yet, just little snippets of what happened a day ago, and the few updates Kari had texted him. There's no indication on how MaryAnn is doing and Louis hopes that both women have at least been there for each other. The state Rae is currently in however, doesn't really point that way, at least for the past several hours.

All that fills the room is the sounds of their breathing. Rae's sounding calculated, probably counting each one in her head to ward off pending attacks. Louis is trying to keep his just as serene, avoiding any emotion he's feeling as to not set her off. He's still itching to peak under her shirt, itching to know how bad she's been hurting herself. His eyes wonder to her hands, still covering the majority of her chest plate. Slowly, cautiously, Louis pulls one hand away from her chest. She doesn't react, so he does the same thing with the other, slowly pulling it away until both her hands are held in his.

Several small spots dot in a line on her shirt. The color of it is purple, but the spots are dark enough to soak through the material and Louis can feel his heart drop to his stomach and twist in horrible realization. She drew blood. Of fucking course she drew blood, because he hadn't been there to stop her. Hadn't been there to hold her, sooth her, comfort her, be her anchor for her hands to hold on to. He glances at her nails, which are a good length to break skin.

Slowly again, he places his hand on the collar of her shirt, catching her eye to silently ask for permission. She looks away anxiously and doesn't stop him from pulling the collar down until he can see what's she's done.

The twisting intensifies a little, but it's not as bad as he thought it would be. Her skin is a brilliant shade of red, but there's only two scratches that were deep and sharp enough to draw blood. One looks a little deeper than the other, longer and surrounded by scraped skin; they kind of look like scratches left from Pepper when she plays too rough with him. The blood on her shirt has to be a few hours old, since both scratches have stopped bleeding,
which is at least a bit of a relief.

"Raelyn." Louis breaths, this moment still so fragile.

She slumps into herself, shaking her head once. She look so exhausted, like she's going to pass out any minute. Louis doesn't push her, just pulls her into his side, wrapping his arms around her once more and presses a soft kiss to her temple.

***

Liam had come back from MaryAnn's room, informing Louis that Jasper has been in and out of the house trying to take care of both girls. He joins them on the couch after a quick hug to Rae, who doesn't even move to return it. Liam frowns with concern and Louis just shakes his head to forget it. He's not even holding on to her anymore. He's sat right next to her, but he feels like he's back in France. Zayn, Niall and Harry take their time coming out of the kitchen, saying they cleared everything they could, cleaned the mess and hid every bottle of alcohol they could find.

Raelyn has been so quiet since she left the kitchen, it's suddenly like she's almost...empty. She only moves when she is doing something for her mother, be it offering her a drink or food or anything, then Rae always comes back to the same spot on the couch. Knees curled up to her chest, staring at a spot on the wall just above the fireplace.

At one point, Pepper who had been exploring her new surroundings, hops up onto the couch and asserts herself in Rae's lap. There's a moment that makes Louis' heart swell. Pepper bumps her head against Rae's chin, purring loudly and flicking her tail lazily. Rae actually meets the cat's big, hazel eyes, leans forward to touch noses, then slowly lifts her left hand to scratch behind the cats ears.

Pepper falls asleep curled up in Rae's lap, her purring a nonstop soundtrack in the otherwise quiet room. Louis throws a grateful smile over to Harry. They all take turns holding Rae's right hand whenever she makes an abrupt movement to her chest, which happens often than not.

It's an hour later when she gets up to go to the bathroom after another failed attempt to feed her mum, Rae doesn't return. Pepper's nowhere to be found either. Honestly, Louis should have been more attentive instead of focusing on making the perfect pot of tea he decided to make her. Had gotten up the same time she did to grab some food from the kitchen and prepare it for her mother. It's Niall who finally pipes up, voicing his concern.

"Where's Rae?" He questions curiously.

Louis hears him from the kitchen and pops his head around the opening, abandoning the tea. He sees Niall's brow furrowed in worry, looking around as if Rae is hiding somewhere in the room. Harry, who'd been lounging on the other end of the couch, alertly sits up.

"Zayn's gone too." Harry notes.

"Thought he went for a smoke, no?" Liam wonders, and now Louis is just as concerned.

"I thought we weren't going to leave her alone for more than a couple minutes." Louis chides, entering the room, eyes locked on the stairs. "How long has she been missing?"

"I just noticed." Is Niall's answer, shrugging sheepishly.

"Fifteen minutes, give or take." Liam supplies helpfully.

"Maybe Zayn went after her?" Suggests Harry.

Louis hums in thought, attempting to keep his panic down. He ponders that option for a few moments before deciding to test that theory. He tells the boys this much, then hops up the steps two at a time. It's quiet when he gets upstairs, but that's not something new anymore.
There's no noise coming from the bathroom, or either rooms. The lights are off in the hallway, with just the setting sun barely shining through the far window. Rae's door is shut, and on any other day this wouldn't be concerning, but she just lost the most important person to her, and being left alone with her chest already deep red and welting, is not ideal.

Carefully, silently, Louis twists the door handle and pushes the door open. He opens it just enough to see through the crack he's made, and spots Zayn sitting on the bed, with Rae's head on his lap and Pepper curled up into her stomach. He's holding Rae's right hand with his left, while his other hand is buried in her hair, fingers gently brushing through the dark strains. Her eyes are closed, her breathing even and slow, and Louis knows she's finally, finally asleep. So he just watches them for a while, listening to Pepper's soft purrs.

He finally pushes the door open a little more, which makes the top hinge on the frame squeak. Louis winces, Pepper's ears twitch, but Rae reminds sound asleep. However, Zayn, who had been looking down at Rae this whole time, snaps his head up, startled. He stares at Louis for a few moments before shrugging, goes back to gently running his fingers through her hair.

"I've never seen an panic attack that bad before." Zayn states quietly, eyes locked on the sleeping girl.

Louis steps fully into the room, gently closing the door behind him, and sits on the circle chair. Patience is key when it comes to Zayn and serious topics. So Louis just waits, forearms resting on his thighs for him to speak again.

"She drew blood this time. She dug so deep that she accidentally cut herself."

Louis' eye snap to Rae's chest, but all he can see is her hair covering her up to her neck. He's neglected to inform them that she's cut herself before. Zayn continues.

"It was really bad, Lou. I couldn't calm her down, but I couldn't leave her like that to get you. She actually begged me to stay, held my arm so tight she left marks." He holds the arm he was using to brush Rae's hair up for Louis to see. There are little crescent-shaped indents on his skin, just above his wrist between his tattoos. Louis frowns as Zayn goes back to playing with her hair.

"I didn't know what to do," He confesses, voice dropping quietly, "the breathing technique wasn't working and I swear I thought she was actually going to cry. She wants to so badly but she just can't. So I just started singing. I held her and sang and she began to calm down, enough for her to count her breaths. Then she nearly fell over, she's incredible exhausted."

As Zayn finishes, Louis drops his head in his hands, fingers pressing hard against his eyes. He feels them prickling with tears, wishes so badly that Rae can shed even one so she wouldn't have to resort to mauling her chest. He presses his thumbs to the corner of his eyes, feeling the tears there he doesn't want to release. Louis sighs heavily; he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to handle this properly, how to help Rae, how to help her mother. He's trying to do everything he can but it isn't enough. It never seems to be enough, and finally, he thinks, that maybe it'll never be when it comes to this situation.

"Louis. You alright mate?" Zayn's soft voice breaks through his thoughts.

Shrugging, Louis lifts his head enough to make eye contact with him. "'M not sure what to do here, Z."

Zayn lifts his right eyebrow like the answer is obvious. He glances down at Rae who's still sleeping, hand still linked with his own, then back to Louis.

"You do what you've been doing Louis. You love her, and continue to love her. There's a huge difference with this happening now then if it happened a year ago. Her mother, her, they're not alone in this. Rae's not alone. She has help and though she's insanely and utterly heartbroken right now, you know she appreciates everything you do. Everything you are to her. So just...don't stop what you're doing. They're grieving. But you are there for her. That says so much more than any condolence flowers, or cupcakes. She needs you."

Louis nods because his words are stuck in his throat. He rubs a hand over his faces and nods again. "Did you know that cat's purr can be therapeutic?" He asks.

Zayn shakes his head. "Not surprising though. Pep hasn't left her side, pretty sure her purring helped. Animals just know man. They always know when a person is sad and try to fix it with their furry tails and cut ears."

Louis smiles a little bit. If purring is all Rae needs to feel even a little relaxed, Pepper can live here until her heart starts to heal. It's funny, how Rae automatically took a disliking to Pepper when she first saw her, only due to the fact that her first and only cat was taken from her in a breakup. Louis considers the possibilities of giving Pepper to her now, probably wouldn't go over well with Harry. He's become so found of the little creature. Maybe it could be a joint cat custody. Zayn's voice pulls him out of his head.

"Would you like to take my place?" He is asking, gesturing slightly to where he's sitting.
Swallowing thickly, Louis answers, "Nah. She looks comfortable. Wouldn't want risk waking her, she needs sleep. But call me if anything..."

Zayn nods as Louis stands up to leave, before he shuts the door, Zayn speaks up again.

"She loves you, Lou. I believe that with everything I have."

Louis throws him a smile over his shoulder, heart still tangled in his stomach, then quietly shuts the door.

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Notes