Ronan: To the Moon and Back

The week following the New Year takes an unexpected turn for the Hospice, and though it's not as horrible as it could be, it's still rather bad. Several of the kids at Hummingbird are put on bed rest, others are moved into isolation and ICU. A twelve year old with leukemia is heart-breakingly all but imprisoned in her bed when just a year ago she was running around the football pitch as the starting forward. A young boy, only ten years old, is moved to ICU when his heart began to fail in the middle of the night, and is now hooked up to a breathing machine. Little Olivia is moved into isolation when she caught pneumonia just two days after New Years. Ronan, with tears in his eyes, asks his sister why he can no longer play with her. No matter how many times, however gently Rae explains it to him, he still doesn't fully comprehend.

All five boys are witnesses to most of this, and look on helplessly as Rae, once again, tries to explain why Olivia is in another room. They watch Rae hold her brother close to her chest every time they're there. Louis knows her so well already; knows that when she closes her eyes she prays silently for the other children, for Ronan. He knows the anxious look clouding her eyes is from horrible anticipation, like she's just waiting for the other shoe to drop- Ronan's shoe.

Louis' taken to silently watching her from the corner of Ronan's room. From the opposite side of the table during lunch, to when she's walking away to go to work. It's always the same. Rae will clutch once or twice at her chest then seems to remember that she's not alone and puts on that mask of hers. It's when she thinks she's alone, like when she goes to get herself coffee, does she let herself feel something. Louis sees her bring herself to near panic attack each time and before he can actually step in to help, to comfort and reassure her, she pulls herself together.

He knows exactly what she's thinking during those moments. He hates when she becomes reserved, turns into herself and allows her mind to take over, plague her with that nightmare, that dark shadow that steals Ronan away. She'll gnaw at her bottom lip, twirl a piece of her hair around her finger until its a deep red. Or quickly bounce her foot so her whole leg shakes with the movement, or just relentlessly claw at her chest. Digs her nails hard enough in her skin to leave imprints, scratches until her skin is left with raw crimson streaks across her chest plate, her collar bones. It's only when Louis finally, truly catches her in a moment of her storm-raging mind, does she come back to reality; to him. He'll squeeze her hand just hard enough, coaching her with soft caring words, until her eyes clear and she smiles back at him.

Louis' so thankful for the other lads, who all quickly understand the situation, and help Rae out whenever Louis isn't around. Liam catches Rae during the worst one yet. It's a Friday morning, gloomy and freezing when they enter the Hospice. They bypass Ronan's room, the door closed and blinds shut tightly.

Dread clenches in their stomachs and Louis hopes, prays, wishes, that Ronan is simply napping. It's on his mind most of the morning. On Harry's when he misses his line in the song they're singing. On Niall's when his fingers stumble over his guitar strings hitting the wrong chords. On Liam's when he actually forgets a lyric, and on Zayn's. Zayn is when he has to escape the second he ends the last note to head outside and smoke. By the time he comes back, half his pack of cigarettes are gone.

They've just finished visiting a young girl whose birthday is today, when Louis notices Liam sneakily rushing off down the opposite hall. He tries to lean around Paul to see where Liam is running too, but gets distracted by one of the Hospice's Board members thanking them for their time. Louis only half listens, catching bits and pieces of the Hospices funds dropping due to the new equipment they we're suppose to get but are now held off because of it.
Louis is just about to give his full attention to the situation when dark purple scrubs flash in the corner of his eye. The nurse is backing out of Ronan's room, sad smile on her face as she shuts the door and it clicks. Glancing warily at Paul to make sure he's occupied, Louis gives a hand signal and mouths "Raelyn" to Harry, who nods in response. With one more glance at Paul, Louis swiftly walks toward the hall Liam disappeared to.

When he finally finds them, by that window he first saw her, Liam is cradling Rae in his arms; and it looks bad. Rae is hunched over her knees with her hands at each side of her head gripping at her hair. Louis can't hear him, but Liam seems to be murmuring something in her covered up ear, attempting to soothe her. Her shoulders heave, her body trembling; she's having a panic attack.

As Louis hurries to get closer he can hear Rae mumbling "I can't" over and over, rocking back and forth. Liam only encourages her, straightens out her legs with some difficulty and bends her over her knees. It's a position to help her breath better, helps her calm a little. Liam keeps a firm hand on her back even as Louis crouches down next to her.

"Raelyn, sweetheart." Louis speaks softly, gently prying her fingers away from her hair. He leans down further so his mouth is ghosting over her ear. "It's going to be alright. Just count remember? You can do it, love. Count for me. In for two-"

He hears Rae inhale shortly, and exhales sharply, but soon her breath starts to stutter again. Louis tries once more, starting over as Liam continues to rubs comforting circle around her back. It works better the second time around, and once Rae fully calms, makes it to ten breaths, she sits up, only to slump against Liam. She doesn't look up at Louis once.

"Raelyn?" He questions, a little confused why she won't make eye contact. "Love, please look at me."

Rae shakes her head against Liam's chest. Louis sighs. "Is-?"

"He's fine." Liam answers Louis softly, offering a relieved smile.

"Yeah? Rae, that's good. That's a good thing." Louis tells her, placing a hand on her knee and squeezing.

Shrugging, Rae finally looks at Louis, eyes not as bright blue as they normally are. Maybe that's why she didn't want to look at him, she looks exhausted. Utterly drained with the lingering affects of panic, fear. Like she's been having that nightmare every night, holding it in and not telling anyone. Louis doesn't put it past her. He knows she knows what exactly he sees in her eyes, and she pleads with him silently. He's not sure when they've each that level of mental communication, but he's fine with that.

Louis brushes back her hair and asks "Would you like some tea, then?"

"Please." She responds, dropping her eyes to her lap.

"Li?"

"I'm good, but thank you." He says. "I'll just stay here with her."
Louis nods as he stands up. When he turns to look over his shoulder as he leaves, Rae is once again leaning against Liam.

***

The tea never makes it back to Raelyn. As Louis is coming back from the cafe, he passes the room where he saw Rae praying that one day. The door is ajar, the gap wide enough for Louis to peer through instead just the window. That's when he sees her; a tiny baby in the arms of her crying mother. There's another Doctor in the room, speaking softly to the parents with a grave look on her face. He seems to be waiting for an answer from the parents, who nod in some sort of agreement.

He watches the Doctor turn towards a machine that's hooked to the little girls arms by clear tubes, and turns it off. Louis hides around the corner when the doctor approaches the door and waits for her to leave. He peeks his head around and watches the family. Like the switch the doctor just shut off, it clicks in his head.

Louis just stares at the family. He can feel his stomach twist and drop to his feet, can feel his heart ache, tightens in his chest almost knocking his breath away. He wonders briefly if this is how Rae always feels. Before he knows it, his feet are carrying him away from the room, away from the heart wrenching sounds. He makes it to the back of the hall, through the doors of the fire escape before he finally sinking down on one of the steps. It's just not anyone's day today.

He doesn't realize he's crying until a tear lands on his jeans, soaking a dark spot into the material. For the first time since coming to Hummingbird, Louis feels like he no longer wants to come. He just can't take what's happening in front of his eyes anymore, and he doesn't even have anyone living here. He tries to stop crying, tries to wipe them away but it's like the floodgates opened.

He stays there, head bowed on his knees, until he's caught by a nurse. She gently tells him he can't stay and block the emergency exit. So he moves down the hallway, hoping no one will notice him. Someone does. He shouldn't be surprised Rae finds him; after all, he's always finding her. She turns the corner from another hallway and spots him.

"There you are," Rae starts, "you've been gone for twenty minutes. Been wondering where's my tea- Louis?"

Louis just shakes his head. There was only one time she ever saw him like this and he was hoping it would be the last. He's the one who has to be her anchor, be strong for her. Not have Rae see him breaking down, just freshly after her own.

"Louis." Rae frowns, eyebrows furrowed deep.

She gently grabs his elbow and pulls him along, until they're out of the Ward altogether. Rae brings him to the waiting area just outside the double doors, sits him down in the pink cushioned chair, plopping down right next to him. She reaches her hand towards his face, wipes away the tears falling down his cheek, and he tells her. Briefly. Tells her what he saw, and continues to cry quietly.

No matter how many times Rae swipes her thumb across his cheekbone to clear his tears, they just keep coming. Silently escaping the brim of his eyes, falling one after another; and it's not his fault. No. Not his fault just happening to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and witness the actual death of that tiny baby girl.

He didn't mean to linger, he was just trying to bring back tea. It's like he was forced to do a double take when he saw the scene in front of him, that little girl bundled up in her soft pink blanket encased in the incubator. Her parents standing by her side, the father holding the quivering mother in his arms. He turned away the minute the beeping had stop, the same time the mother let out a wail that Louis doesn't practically ever want to hear again. So no, not his fault to willingly stand there.

"Lou..."

He hears her, he does. It's just that he can hear the parents cries and the machines signaling a last breath as well. He sees the blue of her eyes, and the trembling of the father, and wonders again, if this is what Rae always feels. What she always sees.

He can feel his breath hitch quietly, and it would possibly be embarrassing, if he didn't trust her so much. It's funny how much the tables can turn for each other in their friendship- whatever they are at the moment, he's not sure. But they're there for each other, they have to be while spending most of their time in a place like this.

He feels more than sees her move to wipe away yet another tear, but abruptly snaps out of his daze-like state when he sees her shift. Louis focuses his eyes on her, tracking her movements as she leans forward. Rae's hand doesn't leave his face, instead she just rests it lightly against his jaw and neck, the way he does it to her. Her hand is soft and warm, spreading throughout his body, wondering how she can be so warm when it's still so cold out. The thought disappears when her lips come in contact with his right cheek, tenderly kissing what he's sure are the tear tracks staining his skin. Before Louis can properly react, Rae leans her forehead against his temple, and speaks, her lips just barely grazing over his cheek.

"I wish I could steal your tears and make them mine." She says softly, like a gentle breeze against his ear.

Louis ignores his heart skipping in beats, settles for blatant shock instead. He tires to pull away to look at her, but Rae's other hand tightens on the back of his shirt, and keeps him locked in place. He feels her tense up, as if speaking aloud was a mistake; a confession she never expected to voice. Like she's scared.

She shouldn't be scared, not from something like that. Of this Hospice, maybe? Yes. Of the situation her brother is currently in, of bills she hopes to pay on time, of being the rock for her mother? Yes. Of people who may possibly abandon her because that's all she has ever really known? Possibly, yes. But of Louis, of his reaction to whatever comes out of her mouth? Of truly and finally opening herself up to him, confessing things she probably would never dream of? Of wanting to be his own rock, his own anchor when she herself needs one? No.

Louis tries to turn his head to look at her, but Rae is hiding her face in his hair, and he can't help but be endeared. His heart swells a little when he tries again and she makes this little embarrassed whimper in response. Fond, nothing but fond he is of her right now. Instead, Louis crosses his arm over his chest to reach the hand Rae has still fisting his shirt, and gently pries open her vice like grip.

Once he's set the back of his Vans Off the Wall shirt free, he lifts her hand over his head, settles their hands on his knee, and laces his fingers together with hers. He ignores the way they seem to fit nicely together, and offers a comforting squeeze to her knuckles; his tears, as embarrassing as they could've been, have dried up.

Louis, possibly to make her feel like she's not the only one with a cute, little, borderline corny confession, murmurs in her ear. "I wish I could take away your pain, give you my heart instead."

And it's- it's fine, it's okay, his own words. They've been burning on the tip of his tongue for a while now, and it's the closet thing to confessing his feelings for her without actually doing so. He keeps his lips pressed lightly against her hair, over her ear, still squeezing her fingers together with his own. He lets the words hover between them, hoping they will sink in and Rae will realize that Louis is completely gone for her. If the beating of his abnormally loud heart doesn't give it away first. He can feel her pulse racing under his fingertips where he's lays his other hand on her wrist, still at his neck, and thinks it's alright.

His words finally gets Rae to reveal her face, her wide eyes immediately finding his. Louis ignores the lurching feeling in his stomach, like that drop anticipated on a roller-coaster. He finds Rae's eyes unreadable, flicking with something so quickly Louis sure it was just a trick of the light. But God, she's so beautiful. Despite her unreadable eyes, her face is relaxed and opened, her mouth just barely parted, inhaling quietly.

His eyes involuntarily drop to her lips, dark pink today, and he wonders what would happen if he can just get over this irrational fear and just bloody kiss her already. Would she pull away or lean into it? Welcome it or reject it? Would her lips feel as soft as they always feel against his cheeks. Or silky, like when he pressed flower petals to his skin when he was a child. Or smooth like velvet? Would she taste like the coconut she usually always smells like, or like strawberry chaptsick she uses when it's cold out?

Louis doesn't even notice he's leaning in until her hears Rae release a shuddering breath and her fingers tightening on his. His eyes flicker back up to hers; he sees curiosity burning like blue embers, as well as a hint of the same flick he saw beforehand. It was hidden quite well up until now; fear. Despite what he sees, Rae starts tilting her head a fraction to the right. Before Louis can even take another breath, can even think that this is happening, the doors open and someone calls his name.

"Louis? We've got that interview in an hour and we- oh!" Liam comes through the doors, halting mid sentence when he sees them. Liam is anything but stupid, and calculates the situation quickly in his head. Louis can practically see when it dawns on him. He clears his throat as quietly as he can.

"Right," He continues, "That interview. Paul wants us back at the car in five minutes. I'll just...wait. Over there. By that window. That's a lovely window."

Louis rolls his eyes fondly. Liam may not be dumb in this kind of situation, but subtly has never been his strong point. Rae hides her face in Louis' shoulder, suppressing soft giggles.

"You're alright, Li. I'm coming." Louis makes to get up, but a delicate touch to his cheek freezes him. Rae keeps her fingers there, pressing a little harder where his tears were falling earlier.

She smiles tentatively at him. "Okay?" She asks quietly.

"Okay." Louis breathes back. He pushes her hair back behind her ear, and letting the strains filter between his fingers for a moment. Then bops her on the nose.

Rae scrunches her nose in response, squeezes his hand once more, then stands. Louis watches her walk towards Liam, who seems utterly interested in the car park outside, and gives him a hug from behind. She seems to whisper something in his ear that causes Liam to chuckle. He turns around in her arms to return her hug in full. He makes eye contact with Louis briefly, curious brown eyes asking so many question. Louis just shakes his head no, knowing it's the perfect answer for any of the questions Liam is asking mentally. Louis watches him hug her a little tighter before he lets her go, and they both watch her walk away.

"So..." Liam begins casually, "are you ever going to tell her?"

Louis knows what he's asking now. He sighs. "It is what is it is. For now."

Liam claps a friendly hand on his shoulder and that's that. He forgets his sadness, pushes the baby girl to the back if his mind and follows Liam down to the main lobby.

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Notes