Ronan: To the Moon and Back

The rest of Christmas Eve night goes well, all except for the possibility that Rae deliberately tries to avoid Louis. Her heart hasn't settled down after their moment outside, though its been well past an hour. She sticks close to Ronan when she can, until Louis eventually finds them, and lets Ronan sing him Happy Birthday with Louis' face between his small hands while she slips away.

She makes quick friends with Harry's sister, exchanging numbers when she asks if she could possibly shoot her friend's wedding. Excited about the opportunity, Rae agrees immediately. The two ladies sit and chat for a good amount of time, before Harry interrupts them. After a playful push from Gemma, Harry takes Rae by her arm and leads her upstairs and away from the holiday gathering. He doesn't speak until he gently shoves Rae into her room, closing and locking her door.

"I saw you both." Is all Harry says.

"Gemma and I?" Rae feigns clueless. "Obviously, you just whisked me away."

"You know what I mean."

Rae takes a step around Harry, trying to avoid looking at those green eyes that see everything right through her. She can't be bothered with trying to analyse her own actions right now; it's why she's been trying to keep busy, be a social butterfly and a good party host.

"Can we please just not talk about this? It was just friendly chit chat. A good ol' platonic, completely innocent, normal talk. That's it. I just want to try and enjoy me Christmas with Ronan before he goes back tomorrow. Not think about how I wanted to-"

Rae halts her words, freezing at her own thoughts. Her heart rate picks up again, and before she can really grasp what's chaotically running through her head, through her heart, she's turning to unlock the door.

"Rae-?"

"Just," She looks over her shoulder at Harry; all too knowing and gentle eyes, yet burning with curiosity. "Later, okay? Later."

***

The party goes on until one in the morning, Rae and her mother finally ushering out the last of the families. Louis finally finds her alone in the kitchen, while she's wrapping left over pie in foil. She knows he's there, watching her, knows his eyes are burning into the side of her head. She feels it with heart palpitations, entirely Louis' fault and all he's doing is standing there. Rae sees him move towards her from the corner of her eye. He's still quiet when he starts helping her pack away the remaining leftovers.

She doesn't know how it suddenly got like this. If their moment outside changed everything or just awoke her realizations. But there was snow falling, and sparkling lights and the smells of balsam and pie. Sounds of joyous laughter, and holiday songs, the serene calm of the night while they stood out in the back. The way Louis' face glowed beneath the lights, the soft expression he wore while looking at her. His gentle touch, his mirthful blue eyes. That small crooked smile he gave her when the snow melted on her nose; made the little crinkles by his eyes appear.

She wanted to kissed him. She wanted to know what it would feel like. Wanted to know if he was hoping for the same thing as she was. She had a spark of confidence the moment she noticed that bloody little plant. Had it when she raised herself on her toes; and lost it when a spike of fear clench through her chest.

It was a small spasm, unrecognized by Louis, but enough discomfort for Rae's thoughts to stray, and she backed out. Kissed him on the cheek instead, and now it's all she can think about. Why won't her heart just stop racing like it's trying to outrun a gun. She feels before she sees a touch gently graze over her knuckles, looks up to see Louis staring at her inquisitively.

Louis is the bullet.

"You're kind of tearing a hole in the aluminum." He informs her.

Rae releases the hold she unknowingly had on the foil, moving too quickly and accidentally slicing the tip of her middle finger on the sharp teeth of the box. "Ouch, shit." She gasps quietly, immediately sticking her finger in her mouth.

"Can't do anything with you, can we?" Louis chides playfully. "What are you, a vampire?" He takes hold of her hand, tugging it away from her mouth.

"Vampires don't drink their own blood." She responds, watching him inspect the damage.

The little to no damage; just a few drops of blood suffering from the minuscule cut. It shocked her more than actually hurt. Louis hums offhandedly. He grabs a paper towel, turns on the sink faucet to wet it, then places the damp towel on her finger. It's silent. Suspiciously so, as if Rae's mother can sense them in the kitchen and opts to just leave them be. Rae just hopes Louis can't hear how loud her heart is; she'll blame it on her injury if she has too. She can't help but to look back up at him, Louis already staring right back. It's almost too much to handle, until Louis opens his mouth to speak.

"I spiked Liam's eggnog with brandy." He confesses abruptly.

There's a beat, then Rae barks out a surprised one syllable laugh. She smacks her free hand over her mouth, but it does nothing to truly muffle the giggles followed. Louis looks at her with a delighted expression, and squeezes -subconsciously or not, she'll never know- her hand.

"Is that why he was practically stumbling out of here then?" Rae asks after dropping her hand.

"All my doing." Louis says proudly.

"You are horrible. Menace"

"He drank about four of them."

"Oh my god."

"It was Harry's idea."

"It was not. It was all you."

"Was not. I just did it."

"You sit on a throne of lies, Louis."

"Alright fine...it was Zayn's."

Rae rolls her eyes, smacking his arm with no force behind it. "I hate eggnog."

"I know. You prefer red wine over anything else." Louis says, still smiling at her. Still holding her finger in his hand. "Besides that coffee liquor stuff."

"It's amazingly delicious."

"Coffee addict."

"Tea addict."

"You can't insult me with my own insult, love."

"Sure I can. Don't tell me what to do."

"And you say I'm the menace." Louis nudges her knee with his own in playful spite.

Rae just scrunches her nose at him. Causes him to bop her nose in retaliation. That's when her mother walks in. MaryAnn doesn't say anything about Rae's hand in Louis' or how they're both standing incredibly close to each other. Instead she just smiles softly.

"Raelyn, dear. Could you help me move Ronan into my bed? He woke up and insisted on falling asleep on that beanbag chair." She requests politely.

"I can do that." Louis offers before Rae can respond.

He releases Rae's hand, quickly leaving the kitchen to find her brother. Rae smiles sheepishly at her mum, who raises her eyebrows in return. Rae throws away the paper towel, inspects her small cut for a moment to make sure it's no longer bleeding, then gets back to her task. Together with her mum, they finish packing away the leftovers, with her mother handling the foil.

When MaryAnn kindly kicks Louis out -"It's Christmas Eve, Louis. Go spend it with your family. Happy Birthday, love."- Rae sneaks out behind him before the door closes.
She hands him a black, leather booklet, bound together with strings of extra leather intertwining with each other. It's two inches thick, and smooth to the touch, wrapped with only a red ribbon bow with a small tag reading Happy Birthday.

"Now listen." Rae begins nervously as she watches Louis open the booklet. "It's not Marc Jacobs or anything, but I put it together personally, the binding and all. I've edited and printed and it's just something I thought maybe you'd like to have?"

Louis looks up from the print photos in the book, beaming. "Of course it is, Raelyn. It's great."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Bounded it?"

"Yeah. Angelique taught me how to make my own portfolios with leather. Happy Birthday...again."

Louis chuckles under his breath, softly closing the book. "I love it Rae, thank you." His grateful smile fades after a moment. "Were you alright earlier? Seemed like you were avoiding-"

"No. I mean yes, I was fine. Just...just thinking. Was all." Rae stutters a little, beginning to
twirl the bottom of her hair around her finger.

"Thinking can be dangerous." Louis muses quietly.

"As can driving at two AM. Please let me know when you get home."

Louis nods. "I will." He steps closer, pulling her in for a tight hug. "It's okay." He mumbles in her ear.

Rae knows he's speaking about the backyard. She just digs her fingers into his shoulder blades and nods. Louis steps back, only to slowly lean forward and press his lips on the same exact spot she did, not five hours ago.

"Happy Christmas, Raelyn." Louis whispers against her skin. Then he pulls away, walks down the drive, get in his car and drives away.

When Rae looks up, all she's met with is a dark sky with white flurries slowly falling to the ground. No mistletoe, and just the sound of her heart in her ears.

***

It's a slow morning at the diner, mainly due to the early hours of Boxing Day. Rae is sitting atop the kitchen counter currently unused by their one cook, who's taking a smoke break behind the diner. She's been listening to Liz chat away about her eventful Christmas for the past fifteen minutes, watching as she refills ketchup bottles. Or, she was trying to listen; she zoned out about five minutes into Liz's story of the cat falling into the pudding, when her own thoughts strayed to the night before. Replaying the night over in her head, again and again because it was the only thing to keep her company while tried to sleep.

She didn't have much time to think about it on Christmas Day, instead she spent all her time with Ronan and their mother. Rae ended up sleeping in her mothers bed, with Ronan between the two of them. He had woken her up around seven Christmas morning, gently patting her forehead until she woke. They opened the small amount of presents- Rae splurging on her mother a bit by buying her a Swarovski crystal charm bracelet, along with three charms. She gave Ronan an Iron Man stuffed toy, have the size of him. The morning went well, and smooth until it was time to bring Ronan back to the hospital. Bittersweet goodbyes were exchanged with a promise to visit him later that night.

Now, as she sits in the kitchen of Japser's, all she can think about is Christmas Eve. Her mind filled with cascading, swirling snowflakes. The warm twinkle of lights hanging from the roof, the smell of ham and freshly baked pie, and blue, blue eyes. A soft lingering touch. A fond look, A green little plant and the soft, cold skin beneath her own lips. Rae's heart skips a beat; picks up to the sound of louislouislouis.

"-so then, Steven's youngest brother chased the poor cat around the house, pudding trailing all over the-"

"I almost kissed Louis." Rae abruptly states; confesses it like word vomit. She has to talk about it with someone, otherwise she's going to drive herself crazy wondering why her stomach is still knotting up with butterflies. Maybe she regrets not talking to Harry about it that night.

Liz stops mid sentence, mouth half open, and just stares blankly at Raelyn. She blinks after a moment, then-

"Almost kissed him? Almost!? If there's ever a chance of kissing him, you do it! Are you bloody mental!?" Liz chides, rather hysterically.

Rae's taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"Why didn't you like, lick his face or something? Almost kissed him. I swear."

"You're a twat, you know that." Rae tells her, smiling down at her friend.

Liz flips her the bird. After she drops her middle finger, Rae watches as Liz evaluates her. Big hazel coloured eyes scanning over her like an X-ray. It's a little unnerving, so she grabs the nearest thing she can find; a freshly baked banana muffin, and begins to tear it apart.

"Raelyn," Liz starts softly, "why almost? Did you not want to?"

Rae nods, then shakes her head, flailing her arms and forgetting the muffin in her hand. It goes flying over to the right, landing in the sink filled with water.

"Yes! No, I don't know! I just...he showed up with this ham and the boys and their families. He threw an actual Christmas party and I sang in front of him! I never sing in front of people! Then he's telling me how beautiful me voice was and giving me his coat because it was cold and snowing and he just kept looking at me like- like. And there it was right there because me mom likes cliche traditions so she hung mistletoe and it was above us and I just."

She inhales deeply, flicking away a muffin crumb that landed on her thigh. "I was just so overwhelmed at that moment. He's done so much for me, for me family. He helped our pay bills, Liz; encouraged the other boys too. Like, who even- and he's so beautiful. He's stunning and I like him. Oh my God, I like him so much and me heart was pounding, and my chest was spasing but not the normal ones I usually have. It felt like me stomach was screaming at me and I've never felt like that before. Like the other night when we were just laying in bed together-"

"Whoa, whoa. What?" Liz interrupts, hands flying up in the stop motion.

"Yeah. He was just laying there going on about how he cares for me. And I care for him and I was so close to kissing him, but I let everything get to me. So I chickened out at the last second and just kissed his cheek. Well, I kissed him here." Rae pokes a finger just shy of the corner her mouth.

"Oh my god, you did almost kiss him."

Rae nods and drops her finger. "Liz!" She whines desperately, not caring how pathetic she may sound.

But she needs this; needs someone to make sense of her jumbled thoughts and the one person she could always go to, is the one person she can't go to with this.

"Alright, back up a little...lying in bed!?"

"Yes. He came over and I just ended up falling asleep. But when he looks at me, like honestly looks at me, I feel like he's trying to read my soul or something. It's so unnerving, it's a little frightening. He's just...just..."

"Raelyn, doll," Liz speaks gently, shifting from her seat on an upturned bucket and places her hands on Rae's knees. "It's okay to love him."

Rae blinks once. "That's not, what? No, that's not what I. I just fancy him a bit. That's all not..not that."

Liz rolls her eyes as lovingly as she can. "This better not have anything to do with your father. Being afraid to love and not believing in love, because you're father was an arsehole, still is. Always will be. Or about your exes or Vinny even, but I really hope that's not the reason why you won't let yourself love someone. He is not just going to abandon you. Listen to me. No one who loves you enough will. You may not love him now, but maybe eventually and I hope nothing stops you from loving him. Or someone else if it isn't him down the road."

"But...Ronan..." Rae mumbles out.

"You're making excuses for this when there's no need to be. You've dedicated three years of your life at that hospital. All of which I have never seen you get close to anyone new."

"I just, don't have time for that."

"You don't have time? Louis is in the biggest band in the entire world right now. He always seems to make time for you. And Ronan." Liz reminds her kindly.

"They've been on break..."

"Raelyn Elizabeth White!" Liz snaps, smacking her thigh. "You know, it's alright to be a little scared. Sometimes it's good, a little fear is good. What isn't great is letting it hold you back from something you want. Something you can have. If it does, years down the road you're going to look back and wish that didn't happen, wish it never held you back. Remember you could've taken that photography job?"

"The travel magazine one?" Rae tilts her head quizzically. "I never told anyone besides-"

"Kari told me because she was worried about you."

"Liz, that was a year ago. Doesn't matter now."

"Don't you ever wonder?"

"No! There's Ronan to think about and bills to pay and I've got to help my mother-" Rae doesn't even realize her fingers digging into her chest until Liz takes them away, holding right to her wrist.

"Raelyn," Liz says softly, "just promise you won't hold yourself back anymore. If you like him, just, I don't know, allow yourself to feel what's in your heart. Feel what he makes you feel every time your with him."

"What? The urge to constantly roll my eyes at him?" Rae teases lightly.

"Exactly!" Liz beams. She elaborates when Rae gives her a confused look. "He does silly things. He knocks over sugar holders to get your attention away from other guys."

"So he did do it on purpose!"

"Not the point. I'm positive everything's he's done recently, he's done for you. So suck up your fears and just let it go. You'll be fine." Liz loving pats her thigh. She grabs both of Rae's hands in hers, and look her straight in the eye.

"No one who loves you will abandon you." She says again.

Rae nods because it's the only thing she can do. She plays the words around her head, as Liz grabs a pen from the counter. She watches her draw little doodles on her hand, blue ink swirling around her knuckles. It morphs into tiny flowers, ending with drawing a small cross along the bone of her thumb.

"What if he doesn't feel the same?" Rae mumbles, feels stupid for even voicing her insecurities. Louis did have a long time girlfriend up until recently.

"I swear to everything holy." Liz mutters, smacking the pen against Rae's hand. "Don't even, babes. Just let it go."

"I hate you."

"Love you, too."

***

New Years Eve is spent at the Hospice, while Rae reads another story to Ronan who is snuggled in their mothers arms. The story about the little baby boy born on a silent night with a bright star hanging in the sky, when she gets a call. Excusing herself and giving Ronan the book when he lunges for it, she steps out into the hallway to answer. It's a number she doesn't recognize, but chances answering it anyway. She's glad she did.

The mysterious caller is none other than the friend Gemma was telling her about. Katie is her name, and she was shown some of Rae's photos from this little black portfolio, is impressed by her style. She asks if Rae's available to shoot her wedding in two weeks up in Oxford at Christ Church Cathedral, offering a fair amount of pay, plus travel expenses. Rae kindly declines the travel pay, insisting it's not a problem for her to catch a train. She agrees delightedly, thanks Katie for the job and hangs up after they exchange fair wells. Rae is absolutely besides herself as she dials Louis' number.

"Raelyn!" Louis answers, shouting a little with all the noise in the background she can hear. "It's New Years Eve, love. You should be spending time with Ronan."

"I am. Did you show the present I gave you to Gemma's friend?" Rae inquires. Her fingers are trembling a little from excitement.

"Noo..." Louis drawls out the word, voice shrinking to a normal level, as if he left whatever room held the noise. "I merely showed it to Hazza, to whom Gemma was simply sitting next to...with her friend who may or may not have been looking for a photographer for her wedding."

"You're incredible, you know that?" She tells him admiringly. She can't contain the smile spreading across her lips.

"I. Know?" Louis tries to be jokingly vain, but fails at the sincerity in her voice.

"She hired me, Louis! She loves my photos and hired me!"

"That's amazing, Rae! Proud of you!"

"Yeah?"

"Yes." She can hear Louis laugh softly. "It's nearly midnight, babe. Go back to your family and ignore me for the night, alright?"

"Like I ever could." Rae says. "Just...thank you, and thank Gemma for me, will you?"

"Of course. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year, Louis."

A midnight kiss comes from Rae to Ronan while he sleeps through the first minutes of the new year. Followed by one from her mum, and several friendly pecks on the cheeks from the nurses and doctors working the holiday night. Rae drives them home carefully that night, and snuggles up in bed with a hot cuppa. She hopes, while she shifts to get comfortable, that the only New Years kisses on Louis' end matches the ones from hers.

As she drifts off to sleep, a text lights up her phone from the one person who's constantly thought about since Christmas Eve.

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Notes