Ronan: To the Moon and Back

Yesterday was rough, Raelyn thinks, coming back from the Hospice's cafe for lunch. Though apparently not as rough as the next thing to come out of her brothers mouth once she settles back onto his bed. Ronan blinks his blue eyes up at her and tilts his head. Rae snaps a quick little picture.

"Ra-Ra. Are they coming back?" Ronan asks suddenly.

"Is who coming back, Ro?" Rae inquiress, putting away her camera in her new bag.

"Lexi and Mandi. They said we could play. Why don't they want to play with me anymore?"

Ronan is unknowingly pulling at her heart strings. How is she suppose to tell him that his friends aren't ever come back. She feels the usual beginning of her spasms and chooses to ignore it. She can't have a break down in front of her brother they way she did last night with Louis and Zayn. Rae opens her mouth to speak when Ronan interrupts her.

With a pout on his face, he says, "Did God steal them?"

Fuck. Okay, okay, she can do this. "Bud, God didn't steal them. He just...He...brought them to...Neverland. Yeah, He just brought them to Neverland."

Ronan perks up, blue eyes bright and so innocently wide. "Where you never grow old!?"
Swallowing the sudden lump in her throat and ignoring the twinge in her chest, Rae nods.

"Right. Where you never grow old." She smiles, pulls her brother onto her lap and presses little kisses all over his forehead.

It makes Ronan giggle into her shoulder. The room is quiet all expect for Raelyn singing softly in his ear. She gets to the middle of You are my Sunshine, when Ronan's curiosity gets the best of him.

"Sissy." He whispers, twisting backwards in her arm to see her face. "Does God hate me?"
It is so simply asked, it makes Rae halt her singing mid sentence. She's silent a second too long, and Ronan actually taps his hand against her cheek.

"W-what?" Rae stutters slowly, after her shock wares off.

"God." Ronan repeats, pointing one finger up towards the ceiling. "Why does God hate me?"

Right, maybe she can't do this. "Ronan sweetie, what makes you think God hates you?"

"I'm sick." The little boy states, like he is telling his sister that the sky is blue. "Did He make me have cancur because He doesn't like me?"

Rae feels something like an anvil falling onto her heart, crushing it until there is nothing but dust settling in her chest. It's suddenly difficult to breathe properly. She adjusts the grey beanie Louis had given him the second time they had visited.

"Ronan. God could never hate you. Ever. Never ever."

"But why? Why did he give me cancur?" Ronan's eyes pierce into his older sisters. Confused, and innocent and wanting answers.

How is she suppose to answer this. She doesn't know, they never went over this with her or her mum. How the bloody hell is she suppose to answer a four year old's question to the hatred of God? She has no idea where it came from. He's only a four year old boy. A smart four year old.

Sighing, Rae softly kisses Ronan's nose. "Ro, listen to me, yeah? God didn't make you sick. He doesn't hate you, Bud. God is just trying his best to make you feel better."

"Like the doctors!"

"Exactly. Like the doctors. He's helping the doctors make you feel better so you can come home. Would you like to come home for Christmas?" Rae take her brothers face between her hands while he nods eagerly. "God loves you, Ronan. I love you, and mummy loves you and Rex loves you and Jackie and Greg and Cody, and Olivia. All your friends here love you."

"Do Loueh and Hazzer and Nailer ("Nialler, Ro.") Liam and Zaynie love me too?"
Rae smiles. "Of course they do. We all love you very much. God especially. He just wants you to get better so you could beat Niall at that video game."

"Yeah!" Ronan laughs, falling backwards on the bed, tiny legs still in his sisters lap.

"You're a little goofy bugger, you is." Rae laughs, leaning over to blow raspberries into his stomach. "Love you to the moon and back."

***

She had been ignoring it all day and straight into the still of the night. Ronan's question, spoken with such innocent curiosity, lingers in her mind. It planted itself in the depths of her brain, haunting her while she sits alone, in her lonely room, lit only by the soft glow of golden hues of the Christmas lights. Earlier, Rae had grabbed her Polaroid, fiddling with the thick black strap, and running her fingers over the slot that ejects the pictures.

Maybe it's bit depressing, boarder line morbid, reveling in a part of her that's pessimistic, but Rae raises her arms slowly. She points the lens toward her, leveling with her face. However, in the morning she came up with a new topic for her next round of photos. The realism of life; emotions. Maybe one day, she thinks bitterly, after this mini project of hers is done and all her self proclaimed photo shoots are placed in an organized portfolio, she'll present it to several photography companies. For now, she just locks herself away in her room.

She presses her index finger down on the shutter button, the flashless snap capturing the expression on her face. The camera makes a mechanical sound, pushing out the freshly taken photo. She places the camera down gently atop the duvet, leaving the picture untouched, to slowly develop on its own. Rae sighs, bringing her knees to her chest, fingertips grazing over her collarbones. No matter what she had done the rest of the day, the question her brother asked plays on repeat.

Rae had been so grateful that her brothers attention span was only a few minutes long and therefore was easily distracted by the mere mention of video games. She didn't know how she'd gotten through that, if just barely. She just had to make Ronan believe that God does loves him.

Raelyn is struggling with that herself, because if that's the case, then why is her baby brother suffering? Why him? What had he done to deserve this? He was only a year old when they found out. Was there anything she could have done, pray more, attend church more, have more faith, to prevent it? Did God truly hate, not her brother, but her family, her mother, her father? Was Rae so much of a burden, a hassle, a bad child that God was punishing her mother by making Ronan sick as payback for having her eldest daughter? Is that the real reason why their father left them behind? Because she was acting too much like the child he said she was?

She shakes her head, now pressing her fingers into the skin at her chest. The clenching begins, painfully tight around her heart. She should rid her thoughts before the pains get worse; but it does. Always does. Rae winces, gasping aloud as a sharp spasm shoots through her chest. She could never get use to how violent they could be. All she wants to do is shed a few simple tears, and she can't. She can't even do a simple task. How hard is it to force out water from your eyes. Excruciatingly hard apparently. Her father's voice fills her ears, calling her out like he did the day he left. Stop crying. Stop crying. You're acting like a child.

"Shit." Rae hisses, digging her nails harder, trying to refocus the pain on anything else. Her top teeth cut into her bottom lip, trying to hold back the inevitable panic attacks, the gasps of air. That invisible, internal hand grabs its vice grip around her chest, twisting and pulling.
Why does God allow children to have cancer, anyone to have it. Is it actually Him, or the cruel reality of the world itself, and- no, stop thinking about that. She starts panting now, left hand gripping the sheets, eyes squeezed shut, white hot spots flashing behind her lids.

"Breathe, just breathe." She repeats to herself. It isn't working. She is utterly alone in an empty house, in her empty room.

"He's fine. He's going to be fine!" Rae gasps out, attempting to believe her own words.

Despite trying to ward of a panic attack, it still to creeps up on her. She needs someone. She needs Louis. Rae opens her eyes, scanning her bed for her phone she knows she left there. She snatches it up, quickly unlocking and pulling up the contact, never mind it being well past midnight.

She listens to the ringing, but after six rings the call goes to voicemail. She hangs up. Has to take a few moments as a rather vicious spasm rakes through her chest, then redials again. Rae gets lucky the second time around. He answers after the fourth ring.

"Breathe, love." Louis voice is alert, just barely laced with sleep. "Deep breathes remember? In and out. In for two."

Nodding like he can see her, Rae shuts her eyes once again, listening to the raspy lilt of Louis' soothing voice. She wishes he was there with her. To hold onto him like she's been doing for months. To feel his warmth seeping into her, calming her, holding her together, muttering words that would calm her down like how he is now.

"Out for eight. Again Raelyn, you're doing good, just one more yeah? It's going to be alright." Louis coaches.

Rae inhales a shuddering breath, holds it for ten seconds while Louis counts, then exhales slowly. Her breathing returns to normal and that internal hand releases it's grip on her heart. She can hear Louis sigh in relief.

"I hate this, Louis." Rae mumbles, a much lighter spasm shooting through her. "I really, truly loathe this."

"I know, lovely." Louis sighs again, rather sadly. "I wish I could be there for you."

There's a pause that lasts a good seven seconds, because what does he mean? Confused, Raelyn asks, "Why-why can't you?"

"I'm in Doncaster."

"Doncaster? When did you go to Doncaster?"

"Erm...last night. I should have told you. I'm such an idiot. Should've realized you probably needed me."

"No, Louis, no. Don't apologize, it's fine, really. I swear. I'll be fine, I don't need- I'm not that...I can take care. I- shit. I don't mean to be so needy, I guess."

"Raelyn," Louis chuckles softly. "I didn't mean it like that, you goof. I just had to visit me family. Had to see me girls."

Oh. Rae isn't stupid, she puts two and two together. Despite her working herself up the previous day, Louis' own expression didn't go unnoticed by her. She should have been the one to check on him. She asks about his family, about his sisters and how the twins are doing. Louis says they all were excited and surprised to see him.

They talk for an hour, until Rae is practically falling asleep and Louis announces that he sent a text to the boys, who should be on their way over now. Rae mutters that the door is locked and unless they plan on breaking and entertaining, there's no way in. Louis just kindly requests that she leaves the key under something or in the mailbox. Rae ends up grumbling about Louis making her get out of bed, and places her house key in the flower pot next to the door.

Rae is now falling asleep to the sound of Louis singing to her. The last thing she sees and remembers before passing out, is the unmistakable tattooed arm of Zayn coming to check on her.

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Notes