Ronan: To the Moon and Back

Seven months has passed since that first day at Hummingbird Hospice. The feelings all five boys get from just putting smiles on the children's faces gave them a natural high. Seven months since they met Rae and Ronan. Louis finds it to be quite surprising, yet comfortable with how easily Rae got along with them. He himself, never expected to become that close to her as quickly as he did. They both just seemed to understand each other, read each other like open books.

Rae always knew when he had his quiet days, when he just simply wanted to be left alone after a fight with his now ex girlfriend. Or when the status of his fame got to be too much to handle, or when he missed his family. She knew how to bring him down a level if his Peter Pan type personality was getting too much for the kids in the hospice. Or she would just humor him and go along with it. She knew when Louis was truly angry, like right after the paparazzi incident. She would notice by the way his jaw set, how his eyes would narrow, and how he just seemed to seethe out steam. She could always tell when he'd have a bad day, when he did fight with Eleanor, or when the fans just got too much when they were, once again, mobbed coming out of Angelique's camera shop.

Later, once they were back at his flat, to make him feel better, Rae teased him about his profanity filled rant. Pointing out the part that made her have to hold back her laughter, and animatedly telling the other boys what had happened. It was during that moment, the other four boys realized something. As Rae continued to poke fun at their mate, they noticed how different Louis laughs around her; his demeanor around her is.

It's because of her, the usual light in Louis' eyes had come back, brighter than before. It never truly went out, just dimmed from his draining relationship, and stress of their job. Though they love what they do, they'd all rather not take most of what comes with it. Louis looks at Raelyn like she's the stars lighting the night sky. Raelyn looks at Louis like he hung the moon, and yet, neither of them realize it.

Sometimes Niall just wants to smack Louis upside the head for being so ignorant of his feelings for her. Liam quietly just shakes his head and sighs every time he catches them playing look away. Be it at lunch across the table, across the hallway of the Hospice, and even when Ronan is sitting happily on Louis' lap. If they could only catch each other doing it.

Harry will nudge Louis' arm or wink at Rae when the other shows up and the one he's next to either falls silent or suddenly loses their train of thought. Zayn, well Zayn just shakes his head fondly because their flirting is subtle but noticeable enough for him to catch it every time. He just looks at Louis expectantly with his eyebrows raised and snuffing out his fag with the soul of his shoe when he watches Louis walk Rae out to her car. Normally by the time Louis is within earshot, Zayn's mumbling a "kids these days" line and walks away.

Louis reads Rae just as well, if not a little better. He knows when she was upset, concerned, stressed. He knows when she's had a rough nights sleep, plagued by her nightmare; whether she calls him at night or sees her in the morning. He can tell when she's nearing her breaking point, and when her eyes become glassy, but remain dry with the tears she can't produce.

Louis knows it's a bad day when Rae's breathing becomes frantic and eventually turns into a panic attack. How instead of rubbing her chest when it's mild, her fingernails actually dig into her skin, and her teeth practically cut into her bottom lip. He hates those days. Hates when he feels like he is so helpless to her, but he still takes her hand in his and knows all she needs is an anchor. Something, someone, to hold her tight, hold her down to the ground and has the knowledge that she's not alone.

That's how Louis finds her today, after their final acoustic performance in the last room. Leaves behind Harry and Niall as little Olivia puts fake flowers in their hair. Rae had handed her camera to Liam to take pictures before she quietly excuses herself early. So Zayn and Louis decide to invite Rae out for lunch, attempting to find where she ran off too. Their search is short once they spot her at the end of the hallway they don't really visit, standing beneath the ICU sign.

Rae stands outside of the closed door, her eyes fixed on something through the narrow glass window, the only visible way to see inside. Her left arm is crossed over stomach as her right hand is digging into the skin of her chest, like she's trying to squeeze her heart. She's chewing on her lower lip, assaulting it with her teeth while her whole body is visibly shaking. Louis wonders how long she's stood there for, and what she's exactly viewing to get her so riled up.

Louis feels Zayn move pass him, and watches has his friend places his arm tentatively around Rae's tense shoulders. She doesn't even look up, she just simply seems to melt into Zayn's side. Misplaced envy starts to stir in Louis's stomach and just lets the feeling surge to his mouth, tasting bitter on his tongue. He wants to be the one comforting Rae, it's always been him since they met. He realises the quick surge of jealously is him being utterly ridiculous because as soon as Zayn shoots him a this look, the brief jealousy Louis felt vanishes. He cautiously makes he way over to them, nervous for what he is about to witness. Standing behind Rae, he allows his eyes to travel upwards and peer through the window into the room. Louis' stomach drops.

In the ICU room sits two parents, holding their sick twins in each of their arms. Louis knows those twins. They're sat close together, so all four of them are touching in someway. Beautiful Amanda and Alexis hold each others hands, and their parents. Their soft bald heads lay against their parents chests, with eyes closed and bodies limp. Louis notices, because he likes to torture himself, the wires still hooked to the girls, which leads to the heart monitors. Each beep on the line grow further and further apart.

His eyes focus back on their parents, rocking their children side to side with tears slowly running down their faces. With a surge of realisation and fear, Louis figures out what's happening. He figures out the reason for Rae's current state, for Zayn's sad expression and the family huddled together. Alexis and Amanda are dying. Their short lives about to be pulled away from them in their parents arms. In front of his own eyes, in front of Zayn's, and in front of Raelyn's.

Raelyn. Fuck. He should have known sooner, as in the second he saw her. Louis makes an unexpected move, his arms awkwardly jerking up and he snakes his arms around Rae's waist, pulling her back against his chest. He can feel her breath hitch, and once her chest heaves up powerfully, Louis decides it's time to pull her away. He understands now, he's an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

Steering Rae away from the room, he leads her down the hallways, through out the double doors and into the lift. Guides her through the front lobby until all three of them are safely outside of the hospice.

It's only then does Louis gently spin the wreck of a girl around. Rae's hand is clawing against her chest, alternating between rubbing and scratching, leaving red streaks behind. Louis takes her worrying hand into his own, and caressed her cheek with his other.

"Rae," Louis speaks so softly, it's hard for Zayn to hear even standing next to him.

Rae frantically shakes her head, loose hair falling out from her braid, sky blue eyes now turned stormy grey flickering up to the building.

"Raelyn, love, please look at me." He urges quietly. Once her eyes snap back to his, he continues. "Breathe, just breathe. Count."

Zayn has taken it upon himself to rub soothing circles on Rae's back, which seems to calm her a little. Her eyes are flickering back and forth between the two boys, seeming to find comfort in both of them. Louis watches as Rae slowly comes back to herself, the blue of her eyes coming back and the assault on her chest slowing down.

Louis is trying so hard himself not to reaction to what they just saw, but his number one priority is the nearly breaking girl in front of him. "Why do you do this to yourself, sweetheart?" He asks gently. "This isn't good for you."

"You know why." Rae whispers, her voice wavering, eyes completely dry.

Zayn stands there slightly confused while he listens to the two talk, curiosity burning inside him.

"Yes." Louis continues, tightening his grip on her hand when it reflexively jerks toward her chest again. "But forcing yourself, torturing yourself to watch them, isn't going to make yourself cry. You shouldn't force it like that. It hurts you."

"That could be Ronan soon." Rae states, so emotionless that it straight out scares Louis.

"Raelyn, don't think like that." Zayn jumps in, squeezing her shoulder.

Louis nods. "You can't afford to think like that. This isn't good for you, Rae. You can't torture yourself like this." Louis swallows hard when he thinks back to the room.

"Let's get you home, yeah?" Zayn offers, for which Louis is grateful for.

Rae leans into Louis, presses her forehead against his collarbones and clutches tight at his shirt and hand she's still holding. She inhales, and nods, her head lingering against Louis. Anchor.

After convincing a reluctant Rae, despite her agreeing and still shaken up, they drive her home, being sure to catch her if she wavers again. Louis notices her come back to herself as she begins to silently mouth the words to the songs on the radio. Notices the way she's rubbing her fingers along her To the Moon and Back tattoo. They stay a bit longer than necessary when they walk her inside. Zayn makes Rae cozy up on the couch, choosing a movie for her while Louis goes to make her tea.

When they leave, reassured by Rae that she'll be just fine, they drive off once again. The car ride is silent, Louis welcoming it.

"Did you not want to come in?" Zayn asks as he stands in front of his flat.

"No, I got some things to do." Is his response. Understanding, Zayn just nods and closes the door.

***
The three hour trip to Doncaster feels longer than that. Maybe it's because of the overcast weather, threatening to snow. Maybe it's because Louis had planned his trip home the minute he saw those little twins. Or maybe it is due to the fact that the twins remind him of his own sisters.

Louis' visit is a lovely surprise for his family, arriving just after ten at night. His mother greets him warmly, as do the two eldest girls. After a cup of tea with his mum, she informs him that the youngest girls are already in bed. Louis takes that as his own cue to make his way to their room. He quietly peeks his head in, taking in the sight of his beautiful twin sisters. He carefully makes his way to one of them, picking her up gently, and moving over to the other girls bed, laying down.

He adjusts both girls in his arms, as they snuggled up to him in their sleep. Louis places gentle kisses on each of their heads, tightening his grip. He couldn't help but think of his girls when witnessing the scene at the hospice. He would have no idea what to do or how to act if it was him in that situation. He wonders again, for the thousandth time, how Rae is able to handle herself so well.

Or rather, has been. Lately she's been tittering on the edge of her walls and Louis thinks Rae is on the verge of falling. He wants to be there for her, help her, glue her back together. But for the moment, he pushes that and all other thoughts of the girl he has fallen for aside. All that matters to him now is his twin sisters in his arms, alive and healthy and beautiful.

"I love you both, my little munchkins." Louis tells them softly, before allowing his eyes to close and sleep to take him.

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Notes