Silent Laughter (Louis Tomlinson) [BOOK 3]
“Good afternoon Ms. Queen. Why don’t you take a seat in your usual spot.”
She almost immediately parades herself away from the door and to that fading swivel chair that’s right behind that damned desk.
I hold my board loosely in my hand and I just kind of look back at the closed door for a second before finally turning around.
Louis said hi to me before he went into his own session.
Well he didn’t really say it per say, but he just kinda spotted me as he was walking towards his door and just gave me one of those greeting nods, a small smile playing on his lips.
I mirrored his expression and then he went his way and I went mine.
But, I don’t know why I’m still thinking about it.
I wouldn’t put myself through the trouble of labeling him as a so called friend, but he is no longer a stranger to me.
And I think that nod kind of made it clear to me. And I’m sorta scared to be honest.
That nod can evolve into a wave and then to worded responses and then to physical greetings.
I can’t have a friend a pal, a buddy, or any other thing that labels a stronger relationship between two people that holds more comfort and recognition than two simple acquaintances.
I’m not here to make friends.
I’m here to just survive.
“Ms. Queen? Is everything alright?”
I realize how I’ve just been staring at the stupid wooden chair right in front of her desk and I mentally zone back into reality, strolling myself to the seat.
I finally sit down.
“What’s on your mind today?”
I glance at her, noticing how she has a wooden pencil holding up her hair, making her appear as some stereotypical lonely librarian.
‘Nothing really.’ I mouth.
Her eyebrows kind of scrunch up together in this intense, over exaggerated way as she looks
down at the stupid ass clipboard and begins jotting down things as always.
I seriously get so annoyed when she fucking forces that concentrated look on her face to make her seem as if she is very intrigued by my answers and our discussion when she probably cares about it as lowly as I do.
She mumbles a ‘mhmm’, before aligning her back straightly and folding her hands together.
“Let’s start with your day, shall we? How has it been so far?”
The room goes silent and the sound of the ticking small clock she recently bought that is resting on the corner of her desk is the only evident noise.
Why can’t I just go home.
Can Coop just come inside and lie for me.
Saying that there is a family emergency or something.
I slide out my purple marker and I uncap it, the cap placed in between my teeth as I begin writing.
‘Same as always.’ It reads when I am finished, my face most likely expressing my disinterest.
She just nods a little before sighing.
“I ask you this for reassurance Ms. Queen. It helps me understand you better.”
I release a chuckle, the cap falling from my mouth before smiling in disbelief.
“What’s so humorous?”
I raise an eyebrow at this lady and I shake my head slightly before quickly erasing the purple calligraphy and writing again.
She is literally just a robot that has no emotions, that lives her life based on the guidelines given to her.
She doesn’t know me.
Just because she has some writing in a folder, doesn’t mean she is educated on everything Winnie.
She’s programmed to speak, but not to understand.
I show her my masterpiece.
‘All you people think that because of what you hear about me, you know. But you’re wrong. You may know the whole story of my situation, but you have not lived it. So I don’t understand how interviewing me with the same exact questions everyday is going to help me move past whatever you think I have.’
I notice how her thumb caresses her knuckle in a nervous like way, and she just sort of grows this tone of weak determination.
I am unsure if she’s surrendering or if she is unsure what to do and is trying to convince herself she does.
Her eyes roam down to her clipboard.
“I just want to help you, Winnie. That’s all I’ve wanted to do.”
The room grows silent again.
Her attention goes back on me again, her shoulders slumped over and the pencil in her hair beginning to dangle from it’s place.
‘I don’t need help.’ I mouth, my own eyebrows now furrowing together.
Her hands are still holding each other.
“You may never lie to anyone sweetie.”
She takes a deep breath.
“But you lie to yourself. And that’s even worse.” she adds, intensity lingering in her voice.
My hold on my board tightens and I just shake my head quickly.
‘Stop.’ My lips form.
'I don't lie.'
She takes another deep breath, glancing at her notes before looking back up at me.
"You're not fine with any of this, Winnie. I know you're not. Don't you notice that our talks aren't helping you because you just haven't learned to accept the fact that you are not happy."
'Stop.' I mouth again, my grip loosening and my eyes darting to my lap, narrowed.
But she doesn't listen.
"Your aunt did such an evil thing to you, caused you so much turmoil and change and you expect me to believe that you're fine?Winnie, may I remind you that she s-"
Everything freezes at that moment.
A voice I have never in my life heard before just roared throughout this room. My throat tingled when it was heard by everyone and at the realization, my hand raises to my mouth and I just shake my head as my eyes begin to water.
No. Fuck. What did I just do.
What did I just do.
What did I just do.
I'm a monster.
Before she could finish, I just quickly get up from the seat, my board and marker falling to the floor and I just begin running out of the room, wanting to be sucked into a real back hole for all of eternity due to my stupid ass mistake.
Forgive me please.
Don't do anything please.
Take care of her please.
My hand is still cupping my mouth, and I begin feeling tears one by one touching the sides of my fingertips.
I slam the door shut tight behind me, Coop flinching in surprise and when my eyes meet his, an image of Izzy and him as kids pops into my mind and I cry more.
I shake my head again and I tear my gaze off from him, running down the hall, patients not really seeming fazed since this kind of stuff happens all the time for them.
They just remain seated in an understanding yet not caring manner.
My heart is beating fast in my chest and all I really want to do is see Izzy.
She has to be okay.
My other hand is now joining my right over my mouth just to make sure I don't fuck up again as I hear Coop running after me, yelling my name.
"Winnie! Winnie stop!"
But I don't stop, and as I'm about to go into the lobby, I feel myself fall to the floor, my hands still gripped tightly together over my lips. My knees hit the bright white tile first with my face following behind, and I just continue weeping, trying to stop myself In doing so in the process.
Coop immediately sprints to my side, sliding down to my level to help me up, but I don't budge, the humiliation just continues.
His bright pink eyes are filled with this sadness and confusion and that makes me feel even shittier.
Doctors are beginning to crowd around us, talking to one another about getting help for this mute girl that's crying psychotically beside this random man with bright pink contacts.
It's truly a sight to see.
I believe Coop notices as well, since he practically forces my body up from the ground.
"Come on. I won't let these dicks make a huge scene. Come on." He says, most likely scowling at everyone.
I don't respond in any way, I just allow him to pick me up from the ground, my eyes closed and my hands still in the exact same place.
"Oh, Winn." He whispers.
I shake a little and I hear him take a deep breath before I feel my feet leave the floor.
He begins walking out of the building, with me held like a poor baby in his arms.
I just nuzzle my head into his chest, wetting his shirt and trying to breathe helplessly through my nose.
"Who fucking cares if he's here or not."
"Don't you dare touch her!"
Coop keeps on cursing out different people when we reach outside, most likely the usual paparazzi that are here for Louis.
I don't really care about anything other than Izzy right now. I'm afraid.
I hope the deal is still in order.
I mean it was just one word.
I feel him place me inside his car, my butt touching the mildly comfortable seat.
I just close my eyes tighter, hoping no one can see me, and I feel him place my seat belt for
me before closing my door and going to the driver's side.
"What's wrong Winn?"
I turn my head to the right, facing the window and I feel these muffled whimpers leave my mouth.
His hand places itself on my shoulder and I don't want to move, the guilt beginning to eat me alive.
"Winnie. Please, talk to me."
I continue breathing through my nose, trying to calm myself down.
Why can't everything just be normal for once?
I'm normal. I swear I am.
I lower my shaking hands from my face to my lap, using all my strength to finally look at him.
'I'm sorry.' I mouth, my eyes beginning to open at a slow pace.
His hand is still on my shoulder and his eyes are now narrowed in complete seriousness and
"Why are you apologizing wh-"
'Izzy.' My lips form for me, stopping him from continuing on.
"Izzy? What about her?"
I take a deep breath, one I've been in dear need of.
I point to myself, I form my hand into a fist and I make a hook with my index finger, moving my hand downwards. With my left hand, I point my index finger up and with my right hand I do the same thing while touching the other index finger with it. I then make a peace sign kind of pose with my right hand and I bring it to my face. I lastly make a 'stop' gesture, pushing my hand further.
He begins shaking his head a little and I just repeat my actions, thinking he didn't understand correctly.
"Why do you need to see her?" He questions in that soft tone he always uses when he's concerned.
'I need to see if she's still alive.' is what I want to say, but I think I've already spoken enough for the rest of my life.
"Winnie, I'm going to ask you again..."
I close my eyes again and I shake my head.
"What happened?" he adds.
I make a fist with my right hand and I hit my thigh with it out of frustration.
'Just drive Coop.' I mouth, his hand still in the same fucking place as before.
"We're not going anywhere until you tell me what happened to you. Tell me." His voice remains quaint with me and I begin having thoughts of just getting out of the car and running to his house myself.
But the worry in his tone kinda freezes me.
He's just worried about me and normal people don't just run out of the car like a crying mess.
My eyes are still shut as I slowly point to my lips, not being able to go into more detail about the situation.
"I don't understand. Why a-"
I do the same thing again and again, the hippie-mobile turning into a dead silence.
I take yet another deep breath, trying to stop the water works from happening again.
"Did you speak?" he whispers.
My eyebrows just furrow together and one fucking little bitch ass tear releases itself.
"Winn, it's okay. She's okay. Nothing's going to happen to her."
I open my eyes to see his lips scrunched up together.
His hand finally leaves my shoulder and it moves to the top of my back along with the other as he just hugs me.
I hug him back, beginning to make weird noises as I can't hold back any longer.
"Shh. It's okay. She's going to be fine. I swear. Shh. Sleep over the whole week if you want just so you can make sure. Our mum's coming back in four days and she said she's going to make corn bread right when she returns. And I'll even let you have mine, okay?"
I just hold him tighter and I sort of nod in his chest as he continues comforting me.
Coop is my favorite piece of corn bread.
"Winn!" She says excitedly as I enter the room, my face still slightly puffy due to my little episode from earlier.
I feel my smile grow and I just quickly run to her side, immediately hugging her for dear life.
She's kind of taken by surprise since I'm not really the hugging type, but I just continue hugging her anyway.
Her laughter isn't as loud sounding as it truly is due to the stupid kill joy heart monitor that interrupts her all the time.
"Winn, did you miss me that much?" She asks, giddy and joyful.
I pull away and kiss the top of her head before nodding genuinely.
"Well I missed you too Winn. I always do."
I mirror her smiling expression and some of my guilt fades away.
"Where's Fifi?" Coop asks as he finally enters the room as well, placing his sweater on the plaid couch seat before plopping himself in it.
Fifi is the nurse that takes care of Izzy while Coop and their mom is gone.
She's not like those nurses that only does their job and doesn't give two shits about the actual patient. She's this sassy yet classy woman in scrubs that always shows Izzy and us these new shows she finds on Netflix. Without her, I wouldn't know about American Horror Story, so I am truly thankful for her being.
"Fifi is getting me some ice cream, Coop."
Coop shakes his head and I just continue staring down at this sunshine of a human as I continue standing beside her.
"The doctor said you're not supposed to have sweets, Iz."
She snorts, rolling her eyes.
"I am a grown woman, Coop. I can't just live off of cooked spinach and cherries forever!" She defends and I chuckle.
He just shakes his head in disapproval again, and she gasps before looking at me.
"Winn, tell him how Izabel can eat whatever the fuck she wants."
My eyebrows raise and I burst in to laughter before taking a deep breath and looking at Coop.
'Izabel can eat whatever the fuck she wants.' I mouth, emphasizing fuck and Coop narrows his eyes at me.
"What did I tell you about saying words like that?!" He responds to his sister who in his eyes will never be old enough to speak in such foul language.
"I'm twenty years old, Coop. Like I said before, I'm a woman. Not a man of wo, but a woooomaaannn. I have boobs and everything!"
I just nod my head in approval, trying to contain my laughter at my two idiots.
"Oh my gosh. You see how you influence her?!" He says, now towards me and I just shrug as I continue smiling like a fucking moron.
'She does have boobs.' I mouth again, and his mouth opens, obviously trying to come up with something to say. But instead, nothing but exhaled air releases from his lips and he just remains silent, Izzy and I high-fiving each other.
"Well I don't think mum will like to know that you're cussing."
Izzy's face pales, well even more than it already was.
"You wouldn't, Coop."
He smiles evilly.
"You would do this to your own sibling, Cooper Rae Alvord?"
"Why, yes. Torturing you is my hobby."
I chuckle a little, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket.
I slowly slide it out, seeing how it's a message.
"Well then, I'll tell mum about the drawer filled with condoms that you have hidden in your room, Coop!" I hear Izzy fight back.
This time Coop gasps.
"I am a twenty-five year old man with needs! And how did you even know about that?"
I unlock my phone as the soap opera around me continues to play out.
From: Creator 1/2
Where are you?
I begin typing back.
"I live in this house, Coop. I know things you wouldn't even believe."
"I know some things too, Izzy!"
To: Creator 1/2
I press send and notice how my mum is typing her response back quickly.
"Yeah, like what, Coop?"
My phone vibrates again.
From: Creator 1/2
Come home now.
I raise an eyebrow at the device.
"Do you really want me to tell, Winnie about your clothing options."
To: Creator 1/2
Just got here. Might sleepover today anyway.
When my message delivers, I glance up at Izzy whose face is now flushed.
"I um don't know what you're talking about, Coop."
My eyebrows furrow together.
'What are you hiding?' I mouth to Izzy, Coop chuckling in victory.
Coop laughs louder, Fifi entering with two bowls of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
"Here you go sweetie, and I heard you guys enter so I brought some for you too Winnie."
She hands embarrassed Izzy her bowl before walking herself over to me.
I give her an appreciative nod and she smiles back.
"Now what is vegan lifestyle over here, laughing about now?" She questions, me putting a spoonful of deliciousness in my mouth as I try to hold my phone and spoon both in one hand.
"He's trying to blackmail me, Fifi."
The woman crosses her arms before raising an eyebrow at Coop who suddenly stopped laughing.
I roll my eyes before checking the new message from my mum.
From: Creator 1/2
I said to come home. Now.
To: Creator 1/2
I'll go now.
I carefully slide my phone in my pocket before taking a few more bites of the ice cream.
"I wasn't going to actually say anything!" Coop defends.
Fifi makes a dissatisfied 'mhmm' noise as Izzy silently laughs to herself.
I just clear my throat, receiving everyone's attention.
God, I fucking hate it when people do that because I find it fucking annoying, but how else am I going to get them to look at me?
I can't just say 'Hey, look at me for just a second.'
I guess that will have to do.
I point to Coop and he sits himself up in this 'alerted' way.
'Take me home?' My lips form.
He quickly nods his head before standing himself up.
"W-what? Are you leaving already, Winn?" Izzy questions, sounding a little sad.
'I'll be back though.' I respond, no sound coming out of course.
Thank the Lord for that.
She gives me a soft smile and I kiss her forehead again.
"Okay, Winnie." She whispers.
'Okay.' I mouth back, causing her to smile widely like the John Green fangirl she is.
I salute to Fifi, her grabbing the bowl from my hand.
I nod, and Coop and I finally leave.
"You want me to stay out here?" Coop asks as he fully stops right in front of my house.
I shake my head.
'Come in.' I suggest.
He nods, before putting his car in park, both of us getting out.
"What do you think your mum wants?" He questions as we walk up to my door, me sliding out my key from my pocket.
"Think it has to do with Loki?"
I snort and just shrug again, both of us walking in.
"Well ma- Hi Diane." Coop greets as we both notice my mum sitting in one of the couch chairs with her arms crossed over her chest, her legs crossed over each other as well.
Fuck, she's pissed.
"Hello, Cooper. I don't mind your company, but today isn't really a good day to be here." She speaks.
She's fucking pissed.
Her nails look manicured and sharp as well as her clothing, but her hair is a mess.
She's stressed about something.
Something I did.
"Oh, um sorry mam, I will um go now I guess." He answers awkwardly, his hands now shoved in his bleached ripped jean shorts.
"Yes. Thank you. And don't bother coming back nor contacting my daughter for a while as well."
I feel my eyes widen, Coop stiffening beside me.
"E-excuse me, I don't think I-"
"You heard me Cooper."
She stands up and begins walking up to us, her eyes solely on Coop's.
I step back a little before she places her hand on my shoulder, pulling me closer to her in some protective way.
"Mam, she's twenty years old and I am twenty- five. I don't think you really have the right to tell either of us what to do."
I swallow hard, and she just pulls me even closer as I try to shake her off of me.
"She lives under my house, under my rules. And besides, I contacted your mother."
Coop remains still and quiet.
"She agrees with me. Winifred is not your family, son. She's mine. And we should be the ones comforting her in times of anguish and despair. Not you or even your sister."
So that's what this is about.
I finally gain the courage to shake her off, and I do so.
"Winifred Queen, I-"
I shake my head, walking in front of Coop.
'You don't have the right.' I mouth.
She scowls at him again.
"You have to stop choosing him and the other one over us. Your family! I heard what happened at the center earlier today. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't yo-"
She stops herself, rubbing her hand all over her smooth yet slightly wrinkled face.
I feel my fists clench at my sides and I take a deep breath, those words echoing in my mind.
Why can't everything just be normal for once?
She just doesn't understand.
"It's just for a while, alright? I just want to be able to come home and see my daughter actually here for once. Is that fine with you?"
I open my mouth, but am quickly interrupted when I hear Coop speak.
I turn around and gape at him in disbelief.
'What are you doing?' My lips form, but he just ignores it, hugging me and kissing the top of my head.
What the fuck is wrong with everyone today?
"It's just for a little while, Winn. Alright? I'll explain everything to Izzy. It'll be fine."
I shake my head.
No. No. No.
Before I knew it, he left and my mum tries holding me in an embrace, but I just shake her off.
"Winn, it's for your own good. please under-"
I shake my head again before running to the stairs, heading to my room and closing the door
as soon as I get there.
I lock it securely, sliding out my phone and headphones, placing the ear buds in my ears.
My feet then lead me to my night stand where I take out a cigarette pack and his Marvel red lighter.
I light one up, plopping myself on my bed and ignoring the many knocks on my door.
Take me away the smoke whispers for me as it releases from my lips, recognizable lyrics playing in my ear.
'Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you.
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do-'