Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Jeanne’s POV

“This is the worst idea ever…” I exhaled as I threw my arm to the headboard. He pushed his fingers one more time and my back arched, the blissful sensation numbing my limbs. His head fell to my thigh. As my mind unclouded I silently mumbled the words again, a hand massaging my hair, the face becoming more and more defined in the back of my eyelids. What was I doing? They had already agreed to my pretensions of writing the screenplay myself. I wasn’t expecting it… I thought they’d back off the offer. In my heart I knew only Harry could play Sam, but it was the worst idea ever…

“I know…” He muttered, moving to lie by my side. I frowned as he approached me to speak to my lips. “I don’t want you to move to LA either–––he shook his head, caressing my cheek. It’s hard enough to try to see you living in the same city…”

“Larry…–––I said softly, pushing my head backwards. We’ve spoken about this…” My hand went to rest on his chest.

“I thought we were evolving…” He came closer.

“We said ‘no evolving’…” I murmured, lying sideways and pulling the sheets against my body.

“You know that’s impossible…” Larry propped his head on the back of his hand, shaking it slightly. I looked intently into his blue eyes.

“I can do it…” I murmured, shrugging as if it was sort of obvious. His expression suddenly hardened, and he rolled over in the bed, pulling from the sheets and leaving me naked.

“Because you are a heartless bitch,” he claimed, sitting by the edge, the sheets partly wrapped around his waist. That was it.

“Do you think you have the right to insult me just because I don’t give you what you want?” I quickly knelt, straightening up my body, as I pointed my finger at him. He wasn’t going to intimidate me. Before he could say a word I turned around, and getting down the bed I began to gather my clothes.

“I’m sorry, Jeanne…” He whispered a moment later, full of guilt, but I didn’t even turn to look at him. This is how the abusive cycle starts. I never thought it could happen with him, but you never know. “It slipped out of my mouth,” he carried on, crawling into bed to reach the other edge. I was fixing my pencil skirt, but I interrupted the task to gesture with my arm for him to stay away. I put on my shirt and began to button it up.

“No, this is what you think–––I claimed, looking down to my chest as I slipped my high heels on. Dejected and under pressure you finally show who you really are,” I glanced at him, tucking my shirt inside the skirt. He cowardly avoided my gaze. “We are two consenting adults. We agreed in this…” I tried to reason. I thought I knew him well enough not to expect this from him. It made me mad to be wrong.

“Have you ever felt something for someone?” He retorted. My, he was dead set to blame it on me. “Have you ever been in love?” What has love to do with sex? I bit my tongue.

“I have,” I asserted after a pause, gesturing my hand down. I shouldn't have played his game though. It was as admitting he had some sort of point, but I just couldn’t control myself.

“And who’s the lucky guy?” He ironised.

“Harry Styles.” I crossed my arms and looked straight into his eyes. His features suddenly transmuted.

“Isn’t he gay?” He let out, stunned. I rolled my eyes, turning away. “Is this a joke?” He asked a moment later, when I was about to leave the room.

“You are the joke, Larry,” I muttered. I was so mad, so disappointed, right there and then I felt like telling him Harry was also the one I replayed constantly in my mind while sleeping with him, but you don’t play games with potential abusers… You run away from them. But it was true. Ten minutes earlier, during our previous encounter, since the first time… It was true, and it was burning on my lips.

I pull my arms around my torso as I keep walking, confusedly glancing towards the skyline of LA. The sun just arose, and with the vapour emanating from the city the sky assumes the most unexpected shades. I’ve been coming to walk on the beach every day since I moved in. It brings me peace, and I like to have this time for myself. Lara is a heavy sleeper like I used to be, and she won’t be up until 10 a.m. This early in the morning the beach is still deserted. Only some surfers start to timidly arrive. The weather is delicious, but by the water you can feel the crisp. It doesn’t feel like winter to me, even if they tell me this is warmer than usual. I couldn’t live an entire year in a place like this, as I wasn’t entirely happy in Moscow either. I’m Mediterranean… I need four defined seasons for my brain to work properly. It reminds me of something a teacher told me once. Kant wouldn’t have been able to write his ‘Critique of Judgement’ in Rio de Janeiro, not because of the distractions, but because of the change in his mental structures. I think I’m not as radically lost as Herr Kant, and for a while it seems just OK. I don’t seem capable of answering to the simplest question though… What brought me here?

I glance at my feet, as I push the sand around. I guess I could say I’ve fully accepted the consequences of my decision. I knew what I did was going to ache forever, but I only imagined it could hurt so badly, so persistently… I’ve never been the cynical type though. I have no bitterness. Life has been generous with me. Even having lost so much I love life for everything it brings, good or bad. I’ve born in a time of peace and wellness. I remember daily that most of the people on earth don’t have this same privilege. I’ve always felt responsible for this. I was taught I had to make it count. My family and society allowed me to study and develop myself as it pleased me. I am a woman, so it’s never easy or completely fair, but I’ve struggled to find my place, and I did it for myself but also for all the women around the world who are denied of their most basic rights: freedom, dignity, education, control over their bodies, the possibility of feeding their children decently… I’ve managed to remain positive in every aspect of my life, but love…

As I met Hans-Peter I thought it would be just like the others, something temporary, not meant to linger. I never explained him my story and he had no choice but to take it or leave it. For some time he was a bit frustrated by my emotional distance and tried to get closer, but at some point he desisted and offered me the next best thing, to have a child together. I remember we were on holidays in India and one night over dinner he just proposed it to me, while any other guy would have proposed me to marry him. Hans-Peter was wiser. We weren’t youngsters anymore. He made it sound quite logical. He simply knew I was fine with him, but something would always be missing… love; mind-blowing, heart-breaking, passionate love, the kind of love I knew and gave up on. It wasn’t an easy decision. What was the point of bringing a child into this world if it wasn’t into a family? I admit for a moment I thought maybe it could be the way for me to fall in love him. It didn’t happen, but then maybe we could still be a family, a different kind of family where mummy and daddy were more friends than lovers. There are many types of families, and I’ve learnt that––contrary to what Tolstoi said––not all happy families resemble one another, and his misjudgement is some sort of blessing. Lara has given me what I didn’t allow her father to give me, love. I love her with passion. She drives me absolutely crazy… She was the best idea ever, and I’ll always care for her daddy so much because his unselfishness made her possible.

When they contacted me to turn ‘I Wish’ into a novel I never imagined it could succeed. It was too quirky, too artsy to be mainstream, but Cora had fallen irretrievably in love with it, and she thought that, with a few changes, she could make readers fall in love with it too. She did. She’s a genius. She has become a sister to me. But what I never, ever expected was that ‘I Wish’ could bring me back to Harry for a second time. Because I remember well he told me it was his favourite story, the one which drawn him into me. And now it happened again. Putting things difficult for the studio didn’t really help to prevent this, and when they gave me the green light his name slipped out of my mouth, even if it was the worst idea ever.

Was I prepared to see him again? Part of me was, but when Lara escaped Hilda’s hand and ran back to Drew’s office I literally saw control crumbling down. They weren’t supposed to meet so soon. It’s incredible how much a simple gesture can tell. By the look in Harry’s eyes I learnt everything Louis had been trying to tell me for years. He was absolutely oblivious of Lara… I realised Louis had preferred not to let him know, and this attitude could only have a reason. So I understood how much I hurt him, and it just killed me… Am I responsible for his current situation? Because I could have destroyed his self-confidence… Why didn’t I think of this when I decided to tell him I didn’t love him? How could I imagine my lie would work for the both of us? Harry is nothing like me. He lives by his heart as I’ve spent all my life trying to live by my mind. He has the biggest heart I’ve known…

I just wanted to disappear from the face of this earth when I realised his attitude was far from resentful and, on the contrary, he seemed happy and honest, even if talking about Lara was opening old wounds. How can he be like this? I rejected him and hurt him. He should hate me, but I’ve always known there’s no place for hate in his heart. All the way around… He has so much love to give, and his heart is contagious. Lara is not shy but she’s a bit mistrustful. The way she clung to him was moving. She adored him, and I can’t blame her at all. He looks even more dashing than ever, and ten times more manly, even if he hasn’t lost his boyish quality. He frowns too much though… He always frowned too much and I just want to push my finger to his brow to prevent him from doing it. I hardly could stop myself from touching him. To be honest, I don’t know what would have happened if Drew hadn’t interrupted us.

The muffled rumble of a wave breaking brings me back to reality. The tide is low, a natural reminder of the invisible forces acting upon us. I kick off my shoes, and as I bend over to grab them I pull from my skirt. There’s no one around so I bring it dangerously high. I love how wet sand feels like gelatine underneath my feet… I close my eyes as I sense the caress of the ocean. The water is unexpectedly warm, so I keep walking until it washes my thighs. Last night when Hilda entered the kitchen holding the sunflowers I immediately knew no one could have sent them but him. Every time I think of him I get this urge in the pit of my stomach, as begging me to have him closer… No one has ever made me feel more adored than he did. Even now when everything is so complicated he looks at me in a way I can’t explain. But what I can explain even less is the way it makes me feel… He takes me to a place like water, a place without thoughts, without reason, without mind. I can’t help but feel here is where I have to be now. Maybe it was just the best worst idea ever.

–.–.–

Notes

What a chapter to write! Come on, it's Jeanne's POV... I needed to rise to the expectations, and Larry is just a name. So she was in bed with Larry xD Was that a double entendre or some sort of metaphor? I can only say this isn't the last time we'll hear about Larry in this story. Yeah, I'm a shocker. And my main characters are not flawless, either of them.

I guess most of the readers must have gone through this and got to the moment we were all expecting: Jeanne admitting she might have made a mistake lying to Harry. This will be an issue to Jeanne, not only because she's not particularly bound to admit her mistakes, but because her mistake brought her what she loves the most: Lara. What Jeanne did is known in Ancient Greek tragedy as Hubris sin. You can measure the level of messiness this story will achieve.

Don't get mad at me for being too bold. It's for the sake of the story. Thank you so much for reading, commenting, voting, messaging me, following on tumblr and wattpad. Feedback is appreciated, good or bad! You keep me working. Love you all.