Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Harry’s POV

“Are you the father?” I practically yelled over the phone, pacing from side to side as a caged lion. I didn’t even give him time to say a single word. There was a silence, and I immediately understood Louis had hung up on me. Those were his manners to say ‘no,’ but now he was crossed. Well, I could bet I was still more crossed than he was, even if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders. He had a lot to explain. I dialled again and, to my surprise, he answered the call.

“I shouldn’t even be talking to you,” he let out in his familiar, annoying ironic tone. God, I wasn’t missing him one bit. “Your imagination got a little more carried away than usual, and you know I give you a lot of credit there. But I owe you an explanation, so… –––he said sarcastically. I suppose you already met her.” Oh, that attitude… I could have murdered him. To his luck he wasn’t in front of me but many thousand miles away.

“You knew everything…–––I muttered, shaking my head in disbelief. For how long?”

“We have been in touch since my break-up with Eleanor…”

“Which time?” They had many comings and goings.

“The very last time.” By the end of 2015 then.

“This is so dejà-vu, Louis…–––I complained, my fingers running through my temple. You knew I was a mess for her and you reached her anyway… Why? Because you were single?” His soft spot for Jeanne was never a mystery.

“This time it wasn’t me–––he asserted, startling me. We had stopped talking, but she looked for me when she learnt the news. She thought it’d be too much pressure for me…”

“And?” I inquired anxiously.

“And it was!” He exclaimed, exasperated.

“I know!–––I retorted, contorting on my spot. I was there! But you didn’t want talk about it!”

“I couldn’t talk about it with any of you, especially you!–––he blurted. It was awful, and she just helped me through. It had nothing to do with you!” I shook my head in frustration.

“It did!–––I snapped. I loved her!”

“I’m sorry, Harry, for bringing this up–––he talked quietly–––but she rejected you… Though it didn’t mean the world ended for her.” His words felt like a bucket of cold water. I brushed my hair back, coming to rub my eyes.

“I’m sorry…–––I mumbled, intently grazing them. It’s not the time to recriminate you, and not even the proper thing to do. You are right–––I sighed, gesturing to the side. She didn’t owe me anything. She was free to do whatever she thought was right. And if she managed to help you then I’m glad she was there for you to do what I couldn’t do.” I’m sure he wasn’t expecting this. We stayed in silence for a moment. I must have caught him out off guard, because his whole scornful attitude suddenly changed.

“I’m sorry, Harry–––Louis spoke again, full of sorrow. I didn’t want things to become this big, but it was as an avalanche. It started casually and then more and more added to it…” I shook my head. It was too late.

“Just tell me who the father is…” I tried not to sound pathetic, but it wasn’t easy.

“His name is Hans-Peter Vogel–––he said. They met in Moscow.” The mere thought hurt. Freaking Moscow… “He’s a diplomat; he worked at the German consulate." My mind grunted. Another German… “Before Lara was born he got transferred to London…”

“Was she born in London?” I asked, all shaky.

“Yes… Saint Mary’s Hospital.” I rubbed my eyes, shaking my head. It was too much.

“Were you there?”

“They had moved to Belgravia, very near my house, so I saw her frequently by the end of her pregnancy, even if we were both busy at the time,” he explained nonchalantly. Jeanne pregnant… I pressed my eyes even harder at the image in my mind.

“But you were never spotted together or anything…” I managed to speak.

“Well, luckily I’m not ‘spotted’ anymore… One of the pros of leaving One Direction,” Louis chuckled. I knew by ‘spotted’ he meant ‘harassed.’ I couldn’t help but chuckle too, wondering if there was someone taking pictures of me right at the moment. Things had also calmed down a bit for me, but never as much as I expected. “Very early she texted me to let me know she had got into labour. I thought about stopping by at some point during the day but when I arrived it was a mess.” My stomach churned. “Jeanne had a normal pregnancy but at the last moment everything went wrong. Hans-Peter and Anne were missing in action, and she was undergoing surgery because Lara’s umbilical cord was wrapped four times around her neck…” I began to tremble.

“Where were they?” I asked huskily.

“Having lunch–––Louis said as if it was a normal issue, but my mind went blank. It was an emergency procedure. The hospital staff tried, but they couldn’t contact them.” My blood boiled through my veins. I understood it coming from Anne. She had always been a bit neglecting, but the guy had no excuse. He left her by herself in a delivery room and the worst scenario happened. Jeanne must have been terrified… I would have never moved from her side, never… no matter what.

“Was Jeanne in danger?” I muttered, my heart rate out of control.

“Well, not initially, as c-sections don’t require general anaesthesia–––he explained–––though she fainted after the procedure and they feared something had gone wrong.” I went suddenly weak, and clumsily moved to lean against a wall. “They had her for hours… I was the first non-medical person to hold Lara at the nursery. She’s not baptised but I’m like her godfather.” I almost didn’t hear the last part or didn’t even care… I couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to Jeanne. I bent over, covering my face.

“I can’t believe it…”

“It’s ancient history now,” he claimed blithely as I recomposed myself a little. I was dazed. Too much information, but I needed to go all the way.

“Are they together?”

“No,” Louis just said. I knew it…

“Did they wed?”

“Wed?–––he blurted mockingly. Jeanne? Really?” Oh, Louis… I shook my head.

“Is he a nice guy?” I wouldn’t have left her alone, but if she chose him to be the father of her child then he’d better be. “Did she love him?” My voice came out as a whisper.

“I don’t know, Harry–––he whinged. I suppose she did…” My attitude was nonsensical. Of course she did. Why would she have chosen him if she didn’t? “And yes, he is a nice guy–––Louis asserted. Things didn’t work out for them as a couple, but they remain close friends.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He had told me so many not-so-nice things in almost ten years.

“She got pregnant by the time you went public with Abigail…–––he observed cautiously. I thought something like this would be too much for you at the moment, with the band splitting up and Zayn’s wedding…” I instinctively rubbed my forehead. It had been a while since all those events. “We thought you had finally moved on; we didn’t want to jeopardise your relationship because of your past.”

“I hadn’t…–––I mumbled. I only went public with her because she was driving me crazy.” I didn’t really want to bring those memories back. Luckily I just made the mistake once.

“We figured it out later…” Louis murmured. I closed my eyes.

“Who is ‘we’ exactly? Just you and Niall or…?” I ventured.

“Both Zayn and Shooter knew about it too–––he said. Rachel had the triplets two months earlier in the same hospital.” My mind was about to explode. Jeanne and Rachel had been pregnant almost at the same time… Probably only then it really hit me, all the long nine months, the bump growing, the cravings… I fought not to go weak again.

“You have been lying to me for years…” I said, defeated.

“It was for your own good…”

“No!–––I started again, in order to avoid the impotence I was feeling. Lying is never a way to manage things. I could have handled it!” I straightened up, beginning to walk towards my car, as I undid the first button of my shirt.

“No, you couldn’t, Harry,” he retorted. So they all believed I was emotionally weak. Great. “Your break-up with Abigail was sort of a confirmation that you still loved Jeanne, because somehow you will always do…” Fuck. Everything is so confusing. To deny I’m all flustered again would be so silly. Even then, learning about everything so suddenly, I was already dying to see her again. “But the lie was there and we decided it was better to keep it that way–––he carried on with his explanations, though I was barely listening. After Lara was born things changed a lot for Jeanne with the novel, and then the offer to lecture at Stanford. A month ago when she was contacted to do the movie I knew this was going to happen… So after she confirmed it I talked to Niall and we decided to come clean. The lie is over.” I slammed the car’s door closed.

“Why is she doing this?” I mumbled, overwhelmed, as I rested my forehead on the steering wheel.

“Because she’s earnest, Harry–––he claimed. She knew you’d recognise the plot sooner or later and it would break your heart. Jeanne and I never really talked about what happened between you two, but…” My heart raced inside my chest.

“But what?” I lifted my head.

“But I know her fairly well–––he said and I snorted–––and I’m sure she never wanted to break your heart…”

“But she did–––I let out, bending back as I hit the steering wheel with my the palm of my hand. And she had a daughter with another man she met right after me…” God, the thorn in my heart…

“Life is like this, Harry–––Louis explained condescendingly. Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose.” At his words I couldn’t help but throw my head forward. I knew that well, because I had lost, and big time. “Will you do the movie?”

“Yeah…”

“Harry, things haven’t been great between us lately,” he muttered after a brief pause. Yes, because he chose to be her friend instead of mine. “But I know you…” I rolled my eyes. The speech was coming. “Don’t obsess over her, Harry–––he asked me. Use this time with her wisely. She broke your heart so let her mend it. She’s such an amazing person, and she will… Become in peace with her.” I didn’t know if I could do that. “It will be good for you. Just let it flow…”

After I hung up I barely managed not to cry. I pulled my car out and went directly to a bookshop I know in the Arts District before I returned home. I cancelled my plans, and took a very long shower. I needed to disconnect, and luckily nobody whom I should talk about this with called me. I grabbed the book, but before coming to the lounge I went to the spare room where I keep all her pictures. It had been long… I glanced around, a hundred photos of Jeanne leaning against the walls. I approached some and began to look at them. God, I had been so madly in love with her… My mind flooded with so many memories of us, sensuous memories and the silliest ones, as the time at the Louvre when I got jealous of a statue, but also memories of our last meeting… the way I felt my heart shattering inside my chest.

But contrary to what I have been thinking all these years, Paris is not our last meeting anymore, but Culver City, and these memories are as much as heartbreaking as endearing… I lie with her book between my hands and I still can’t get over anything of what happened today, and it’s almost dawn, and I haven’t slept. How could I? She’s in LA… We are going to do a film together, a film written by her… The way she words things… She has changed the story a lot but I still recognise ‘I Wish’ in it. The plot is basically the same, though the smut is gone. I’m not sure I could have read it without turning insane, so I’m glad she did. And maybe I’m mad because her main character is nothing like Jeanne, but somehow I recognise us in them, but mostly I recognise myself, this new self she dreamt of so long ago.

I squirm on the sofa as I remember his words. I might be mad at Louis––as at Niall and Erica, and the rest of the boys––but I know he’s right to be worried. How will I manage to have a normal, co-workers’ relationship with Jeanne? Oh, God… Where did I get myself into? Of course I’ll always love her… She made me the person I am now. Until I met her I hadn’t realised how privileged I was and how important it is to make each day count. Since then I started to take everything more seriously, to really appreciate the world around me, the bonds with people, the simple things, the beauty in everything. I turned my compulsiveness into system and began to study and develop what I found interest for. Somehow it helped me to overcome my sadness. I’ve done several photography exhibitions, and I’m pretty good at it. I read many books and learnt many unexpected things. I opened my eyes to the world, and it’s all because of Jeanne, because she inspired me, because she guided me, because she made me stop and look, and realise about myself and my potential, and everybody and everything’s potential.

So I’m supposed to be controlling this but for some reason it’s not working… Before dinnertime I called Jeff with the innocent idea of getting her address to send her flowers, as she loved to have fresh flowers at home. I’m sure he finds my behaviour from today a bit erratic, but to him signing the final contract is all that matters right now, and we will, soon. I finally decided to send Jeanne a massive bouquet of sunflowers. What else could it be? They’ve always reminded me of our first time in Paris, and the florist’s employee told me over the phone that sunflowers are a symbol of adoration. It might have been a bit too much. I kept the note simple though, just welcoming her to LA. I didn’t get a response, probably because she’s quite old-fashioned and she prefers to thank me in person. God, I hope it’s not wishful thinking and she’s freaking out… I just wanted to make her smile. She’s so beautiful when she smiles.

Maybe because of this around midnight I got very anxious. I changed my clothes, jumped on my motorbike and drove over to her house. I don’t really know what I was thinking. All front lights were off. She must have been sleeping. I just stared at the crystal house, amazed by the fact that she was there… Now I can’t let things go, so I wonder how it is possible that she appeared in my life again… And I wonder if I’ll be able to be around her without going crazy. And I wonder why I can't hate her, because I could, and it’d be so easy… But instead I feel the same way I felt the day mum told me about Clevedon Pier. It is too special, too magic to ruin it with selfish complains… Louis is right. If I want a future with someone I need to be in peace with Jeanne. Otherwise I’ll never be able to build any healthy relationship… But what do I do with my attraction towards her? I can’t really understand it and surely I can’t control it… Here I am, acting all stalky. Why is this happening all over again? Why when I’m with her I get this feeling that I get her and that I make her happy? The way she looks at me… The way she laughs at my jokes… The way she leant forward… God, I’m shaking. It really felt as if we were going to kiss, but why would she? She didn’t love me… She doesn’t feel the same as me. It has to be my mind playing games at me once again.

Suddenly I can’t help but get anxious again. I jump off from the sofa and grab the key of my motorbike, performing the same ritual as earlier on, and in twenty minutes I pull up to the front of her driveway again. I love to drive through LA at these hours. No traffic, no jams… Just the breeze in my face. And I could barely call this winter. It is still night and the sun won’t rise for at least half an hour, but you could be outside wearing just a jumper. Suddenly some lights catch my attention. I bend over as I see a car exiting the house. I immediately recognise Jeanne’s figure at the driver’s seat. My heart skips a beat. What is she doing up so late? Where is she going? The car speeds up down the street and without thinking it twice I turn my engine on and follow her.

–.–.–

Notes

Of course he wasn't the father! You are such evil, my friends... Didn't I do enough to Harry already? xD Though the whole thing with the German guy sounds pretty suspicious to me... Who can guess what's coming in my next update?! And someone's adorably obsessing over his long lost love...

There's a lot of information on the four years we missed in this chapter. In this story 1D split up around October, 2016, and Zayn got married to Perrie around December, 2016. Harry had a girlfriend called Abigail, though he wasn't very much in love. Liam––aka Shooter––broke up with Sophia at some point of 2015 and got himself a rushed romance with a nice Southern girl called Rachel, which whom he has triplets! This is fiction. Because Elounor broke up as I predicted in DOY it doesn't mean I don't want Liam and Sophia together. I need mental freedom to bring the best story I can. And what about Louis? Is there a special someone for him...? ;)

Sorry for missing an update last week, but Uni is driving me crazy. Get ready for the next chapter, do yoga, open your mind and don't drink water while reading the beginning, OK? If you got here, overlook it and carry on reading! :) Thank you so much for all the views, comments, new commenters, messages, votes and subscriptions! Your feedback keeps me going, I really mean it! I hope you liked this chapter. I'm having the time of my life writing this so I'm happy you enjoy it too. Love you all <3