Reviews with the Reader
Looks Can Be Deceiving
I don't really know why, but this one really drew me in. It probably was the cover art, nicely done by the way. Most of your mistakes were grammatical, but there were not many other mistakes.
When ever you end a sentence make sure you capitalize the next letter that starts the sentence. If you're using a phone or iPod to write your updates, it can be understandable. Sometimes it doesn't shift after you type a period, it's a little shit to deal with really. But it is an easy fix.
When a reader is scrolling through the story's, they often pick ones that draw them in. The three things that readers look for are good titles, cover art that matches, and a sentence of a summery. You have two of the three things, a great title and awesome cover art, but I couldn't help but notice that you were missing a summery. A good thing that you could put there is maybe a quote or a line of a poem that connects to your story. They can be easy to find on search engine websites, such as: Google, Yeah Hoo, Wickapidia, and so on.
Your chapters seem really short too, and I can tell that you're trying to make your chapters longer. One thing that helps with that is spacing between dialog and paragraphs. Also if you add little details to your POV's then it can make them more in depth. For example:
I walked in to my small bedroom that was painted a light purple, and sat down in a bean bag chairat the foot of my twin sized bed. Picking up my Vogue magazine, I noticed a new red stain on my white shag carpet.
Just adding small details and different adjectives can really set you up for good chapters.
If you just fix the minor things in the few chapters that you have started, this can end up being a great fan fiction! You really set yourself up well with this story, just build on it.
Overall rating: 7
This score can be Raised greatly if you fix the tiny errors. But please continue with it, it's becoming a very interesting story.
Notes
If you do not like the review that was given to you for any reason at all let me know, and I will take it down ASAP. I hope I helped you with creating a better story!
With my best regards,
❤ That_Crazy_Girl
This will be the last review of tonight, but I will continue tomorrow afternoon or something like that. Thanks for your patience! :)
@Oops_Hi
Hii! Yeah I'm still (kind of) active. I could probably do it, but it could be a while I usually get on like once a week. But I might be able to make some time. c: can't wait!
8/27/15