Clarity

Somewhere during my long night of restless sleep I had moved to a different room.
I don't destinctly remember why I moved, it could've been any number of reasons, but I do know my sleep didn't became anymore peaceful when I went back to the guest room with Ireland.
I did enjoy cuddling with my puppy though, it was a comfort to have something to hold in place of Harry who was probably getting all chummy with Quiffy.
In the brief moment's I had woken up for no apprent reason I could do nothing more then feel the ache of all my jealousy and guilt stir in my core. I really did feel bad for driving Harry to cut, which led him to being in pain.
Also somewhere in the night I had heard Gemma sneak back in with a guy, someone called Alex or something stupid. She had probably gone out drinking. Finally though I did slip into a semi-peaceful sleep, though it was the best.
My mind was blank meaning I had no dreams, just darkness.
I was finally in a steady sleep though, which I believed was good because I had always heard going to sleep made it better, so maybe when I woke up everything would be okay, I would buy Harry some flowers with a long appology letter, and he would forgive me and we would have a great day.
Those were the first thoughts to come to mind when I woke up, my face trapped in the lime light from the suns good morning rays, and Ireland continously licking my face as he pawed at my chin.
"Hi puppy." I mumbled, yawning, as I reached over to scratch his head. It felt weird waking up in an unfamiliar room with-out Harry. I actually was confused for a moment to where I was, but my confusion settled when last night's events crept in and made me feel squeamish.
Sighing deeply at the memory of finding Harry bathing in his own blood, that had definately destroyed those expansive seeming bed sheets, I decided to lay there with Ireland for a bit to fully wake up.
Yet my bit became much shorter then I wanted because Ireland started whining, and squirming in my grip which meant he was probably hungry, and I couldn't lie when I say I was starving to.
"C'mon puppy, lets go see if Daddy Harry still loves me, and we'll go to Aunt Maddie to get some breakfest." I cooed, sitting up and pulling him into my arms before I slipped off the bed and walked out of the room.
For the next few minutes or so I looked around for Harry, but once I couldn't find him and saw what time it was, I had jumped to the conclusion he went to the University today for work, meaning I should probably hurry with breakfest, because I didn't want to miss anymore school.
I was already dreadfully behind.
Playing with Ireland's ear's, I made my way downstairs, wondering if I should bother changing out of my clothes for yesterday, but I was already half way down the stairs so I didn't see the point.
When I walked into the kitchen I'd be lying if I said I was half expecting Harry to be there, and was disappointed when I saw he wasn't. Instead it was Maddie and Zayn.
The both of them had been wrapped up in idle chatter while Zayn sat down in one of the stools, eating some kind of fancey egg, bacon, and toast breakfest. "Morning Maddie, and Zayn." I said softly, clearing my throat, and instantly I captured both of their attention.
A smile then appeared on Maddie's face as she walked around the counter and over to me to kiss my forehead. "Good morning Louis! Harry has made breakfest for both you and Zayn." She said, then turning her attention to Ireland.
"Well hello little guy, would you like some breakfest to?" She asked, scratching behind his ears. "Yeah, he's hungry. We both are." I chuckled, relaxing a bit at the fact Maddie seemed to be anything but mad at me.
"Well how about I take him, and you go enjoy your breakfest?" Maddie suggested, holding out her arms to take him, and I nodded as I handed him to her. "Thanks." I sighed, and she gave me a soft smile before leaving the kitchen, which meant I was in Zayn's company now.
"Your plate is right there, it's all wrapped up in tin foil so it should still be warm." Zayn informed, gesturing to the plate sitting in my normal place, and I nodded as I walked over to the stool and sat down.
We were both then quiet as Zayn nibbled on his breakfest, and I peeled the tin foil off mine to dig in eagerly for my stomach was growling. Though I didn't get to enjoy it for long, because after what I believed to my third bite Zayn interupted the silence.
"Louis?" He said quietly, a note of seriousness in his tone. "Yes?" I asked, looking over at him with tired eyes as I propped my cheek up on my hand. "I have this feeling that you don't particulary like me." He said softly.
Now he gets it.
"What makes you think that?" I asked, giving him a sarcastic smile. Yes I was being rude, but I had a right.
"Well you glare at me, give me dirty looks, act like I'm invisible in a way, etc. I don't know what I've done, so can you please try and explain so I can try to fix it?" He asked, and I had to admit it sounded sincere but I didn't trust him yet no matter how much of a model he appeared to be.
"Well maybe if you kept your hands to yourself I wouldn't do all those things." I retorted, sighing deeply. I felt as if that was explanation enough, and a good way to avoid admitting my jealousy. A deep frown then crossed Zayn's face as he sat up a little straighter.
"Louis listen, I'm not trying to take Harry away from you. Trust me. I've never seen him so in love. He's all your's, believe me.I once saved him right before he killed himself and we instantly became friends, then eventually got together I admit, but when he had to move to Doncaster for his teaching job we ended it. I'm not trying to take him away from you honest, he's just my best friend." Zayn said slowly, and softly like he was trying to explain something complicated to a small child.
I had to admit, at his words I felt relief instantly sweep through me. If Zayn had used a different tone, or different body language I wouldn't have believe him for a second, but as of right now I was begining to like Zayn just a wee bit considering he saved my Harry from suicide once.
"Oh." I simply uttered, and looked back to my food. Maybe that's why they decided to bring Zayn in, because he had experiance. Unlike me who made everyone have another one. "I'd never take him away from you." Zayn assured, giving me a friendly smile before going back to eating his food.
I then decided to appoligize, because I felt it was nessicary considering I was a bit nasty to Zayn when he was merely Harry's Shailene, not another threat.
"I'm sorry..it's just..I'm not use to jealousy..and him turning to someone else other then me.." I confessed, getting a bit choked up at the end because even though I didn't show it as much as the next person, it did really hurt my feelings that I wasn't enough comfort for Harry in a moment of pain.
Zayn then sighed, and gripped my shoulder affectionately.
"Well I moved into town for a bit so I could be near him for support and to make sure his Louis is treating him right, and I must say so far your doing a really good job." He said, smiling softly, and I choked as my breathing deepened.
A good job?
All I did was screw the love of my life over.
At that thought I felt a tear I didn't even know was there slip down my cheek.
"No..no..it was my fault! It was my fault he cut last night! I hurt him!" I shouted, then laid my forehead down on the counter with a miserable sigh. A frown then replaced the smile on Zayn's face as he wrapped a arm around my shoulders, and rubbed my arm.
"How is it your fault?" He asked, and I took a shakey breath as I tried not to let another tear slip. "I did something horrible because I thought it would keep him safe." I said quietly. "What did you do?" Zayn asked, biting one of his perfect lips that I envied, and I sighed.
"I made a deal with Gemma." I whispered. I wasn't sure why I was about to talk to Zayn about all of this, but it was to late to back out now and since he was Harry's best friend maybe he'd know how to sort this mess out.
"And?" He asked, gesturing for me with his free hand to go on. "To screw her anytime she p-pleased, if she left H-Harry alone." I said bitterly, feeling disgusted at the sentence as I sat up so I could finger away my silent tears.
Zayn then raised an eyebrow as he gave me a look a disappointed father would give to his son. "Louis. Why make a deal like that? It would hurt him a whole lot more then his sister being a brat to him." Zayn said, shaking his head at me, and I felt the tears start falling once more as I sighed deeply.
"The cuts. The scars. They pushed me to do it, because I couldn't bare watching it happen again." I said, leaning into Zayn as he rubbed my arm. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Zayn was actually begining to comfort me.
"Harry has been hurt alot in his life, please do try and work things out. Just tell him what you told me, and I'm sure he'll understand the situation better." Zayn said, patting my back as his watch then begin to beep, and he pulled away from me to look at it.
"I'm sorry Louis, I have to go now, but please take my advice. Next time I see you both I want everyone to be all smiles." He said, grabbing his orange juice and gulping it down prior to grabbing his jacket off the chair and pulling it on.
"Bye Zayn." I said, offering a thin smile, one he returned with a wave, then he disappeared out of the kitchen.
-
The whole day I had felt miserable.
After Zayn left I quickly finished eating then went upstairs to pull on one of Harry's sweatshirts over my jeans, and brush my hair so I didn't look like death. In my morning classes I had, had trouble concentrating.
All I could think about was Harry, and how to explain the situation to him. I would've gotten him a present, but I couldn't squeeze it in before class, because I was already late. My head was in what you'd call a tail-spin.
By the time I was walking up to the door of Harry's class room I had practically ruined the sleeves of his shirt from tugging on them, and I felt my nerves acting up in every inch of my being.
I was scared to face him after last night, I was scared of accidently starting a fight in class, I was just scared in general. I highly doubt Harry was high, and giggly today meaning he was either going to be mad or calm.
There was no in between.
Then sucking in a deep breath I gathered enough courage to grip the door knob, and walk in. Everything appeared to be normal with the class. Everyone was talking loudly, almost everyone was in their assigned seats.
Marcus was there to, hurridly writing in one of the journals Harry gave us last night. "Hi Louis!" Marcus called out, only looking up at me for a second before going back to his journal. He must've ran out of time last night to work on the journal.
Actually I had run out of time as well. I didn't do any homework last night because of the fight with Harry, then all the drama that followed. In all honesty I had completely forgotten.
My eyes then drifted over to the front of the room where Harry was.
Harry at the moment was pacing around his desk while sucking on a lollipop and occasionally pausing to fix the writing on the board even though it was already perfect.
I could tell just by those mere actions he was anxious, maybe even a bit nervous, and I knew I was the only reason why he'd be that way.
Swallowing thickly, I adjusted my backpack straps on my shoulders, and decided to approach him today to valuated his current mood. "Hi Mr. Styles." I said softly, glancing at the board, then Harry as I forced a smile.
For a moment Harry seemed like he was going to smile in response when his tired eyes reached mine, but he didn't. Instead he turned his back to me to re-write the date on the board.
"I have very short patients today, so don't test me." He said, gliding the marker over the board. Well there was my valudation. Harry was still upset. "I won't dare." I sighed, gripping my backpack straps tighter and looking down as Harry gave me a sharp nod.
With that I then walked up the isle to my desk, ignoring the curious stares a few people were giving me. I think by now a couple of the smart kids had caught onto the fact that there was something going on.
That there was something different between me and Harry. Yet I don't think they were smart enough to see what it was.
At least I'd like to think so.
"Read the board everyone! Your assignment is on there, and turn in your notebooks before the end of class." Harry called out prior to sitting down behind his desk, and put his feet up. As he sat down Harry's eyes drifted to me for a moment, then he looked everywhere else but me.
At that I couldn't help but sigh again as I laid my head on the desk. Right now I admit I felt a bit confused. I couldn't tell if Harry was angry with me, or just a bit frustrated with me. He didn't seem even half as mad as he was last night, but he might still be.
Just because he was high last night and cuddling me didn't mean I was forgiven. I could only hope that after school, when we got home, he'd let me explain. Let me tell him the truth.
With that thought then passing by I decided to try and concentrate on the present situation, which was class, because I couldn't get more behind then I already was. It would become impossible to catch up, and pass by the end of the semester.
I was starting to fear I'd have to retake this class, which meant asking my parents for more money. Which brought my mind to another current problem, I needed to get a job. I hadn't broken the news to Harry yet I was fired, and I don't think I ever will.
Though to be honest I'm not sure if Harry remembers I have a job or not.
I think in the whole time of us being together I only went to work with his knowledge once. Meaning there's a good chance it slipped his mind. I'm sure he'll remember eventually though.
Harry then cleared his throat, and whistled to get the class' attention, an action that made me put my thoughts on hold. "I've chosen the three people who get to draw on me!" He announced, and immediately he had the chatty catty girls attention.
"The winners are Marcus, Louis, and Carson." He informed, sighing at Carson's name. I had to admit at the moment I was a little surprised at this information. I thought Carson would be the last person he'd choose, yet Carson was an amazing artist.
I should know cause I've seen him grafitti walls before, and I must say he is good at it.
Better then me.
At the announcement I could hear Carson's gape of surprise as Marcus turned around to give me a thumbs up with a smile, and I returned the gesture before clearing my throat as well.
"Is there any place left to draw on your skin?" I asked, pretty much blurting it out, and instantly regretting it because I just revealed Harry had tattoo's, and that would arise questions because no one knew Harry had tattoo's for he covered them so well.
At my question a frown appeared on Harry's face, but I wasn't sure if it was an angry one or a thinking one.
"The only place I believe I don't have tattoo's are my back, left arm, and legs. But you three will only be permitted to draw on my back." Harry stated, sitting back down as I heard Carson snicker like a rat behind me.
"Okay." I said, slouching in my seat as I looked back down at my desk. I felt a bit guilty for saying that, but in my defense everyone would know anyways the instant Harry took off his shirt.
"I always knew he was a punk that was a wannabe teacher!" Carson called out, laughing in the mist of his sentence as he clapped his hands. At that statement I couldn't help but turn around in my seat and shoot Carson the nasty look I could while people laughed.
Almost immediately after Carson had finished that sentence, Harry shot to his feet with an angry munch for he had bitten into his lollipop.
"Carson your saying after class. As I had said I have very little patience today meaning I have no time for your shit." Harry said harshly, his tired eyes becoming dark, and I felt sick. Please don't let there be a fight, please don't let there be a fight.
Today was a horrible day for Carson to get on Harry's nerves.
"But you have time to do other things Mr. Styles." Carson said innocently, leaning foreward in his desk, and immediately I felt chills crawl down my spine.
Carson's snake like blue eyes had darted over to me when he said that, meaning he was definately referring to me and Harry, no question about it.
At that thought I couldn't help but grip the edge of my desk.
If Carson told this class about me and Harry, then my curly haired boyfriend wouldn't be the only one smashing his face into the ground.
Harry then slammed his hand on his desk as his glare traveled to Carson's smirk in the back.
"One more word Carson and I swear!" He warned, his voice becoming dangerously low, making a few students shift in their seats in obvious discomfort. I couldn't blame them, I was uncomfortable in this situation to.
Just for different reasons.
Carson then narrowed his eyes, looking directly at Harry.
"You Mr. Styles are threatening a student. This seems to be a re-occuring issue." He says calmly, then getting up and gathering his stuff. I really hope he was leaving.
"I've decided to switch class now. I prefer to have a teacher who can take a joke, and keep himself together." Carson sneered, smacking me over the head as he walked by, and I yelped as Harry's fist clenched.
Please don't get into a fight.
Please.
I begged them silently even though I wish I could hit Carson.
Yet here was the thing about Carson. Not only was he the same height as Harry, if not taller, but he had a massive body build that to strong for me to take on in a fight.
Many times when me and Carson had played fight I remembered that I had trouble getting out of his grip, because he was ten times stronger then I ever could be.
Carson then exited the classroom, slamming the door behind him. Once he left whispers begin to pass around the room as Harry sat down and groaned.
"Get back to your work, class is almost over." Harry sighed, frustration evident on his face as he opened the desk draw and pulled out another lollipop. I'm starting to wonder if that's also a stress habit, because it seemed as if he always pulled them out in times of high-stress.
I'm sure if he had the option though he'd be smoking right now.
Sighing, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and let my relief come in prior to starting my work.
For the next half hour everyone was perfectly quiet, being careful not to cause Harry anymore stress which I could tell he appreciated.
Occasionaly someone would walk up to his desk asking for help, or hand in a journel, but other then that it was quiet. Finally the awkwardness of class lifted when the bell rang and Harry called out that everyone was dismissed.
Quickly the class scrambled to pack up their things and file out. Once the last student had left the classroom, and shut the door with a bang Harry let out a ragged sigh, and laid his head down on the desk.
For a moment I just sat there, debating if I should try to appoligize now, or wait till we got home so we could battle it out there. I guess with that being thoughted, home would be a better option. "Meet you at home?" I asked, gathering up my things, and walking down the isle.
"Yeah. Drive safe." Harry said quietly, sitting back and running his hands down his face before running them through his hair. "Okay love." I said softly, offering a weak smile as I pulled on my backpack properly then left the classroom.
When I stepped into the hallway, I had been expecting it to be quiet, instead the walls were crowded with students craning to look at them.
Weird.
"Look there he is!" Someone called out, pointing to me, and some upper classmen laughed.
Okay.
This is weird.
"What are you guys looking at?" I asked, tapping on the shoulder of one of my classmates from English, and he merely snickered. "You, you fag." He said, pointing to the walls, and my confusion only deepened as I felt my heart start to beat faster.
"I'm sorry..?" I scoffed, about to fire back a comment, but then I noticed the large flyers all over the walls in front of me.
"What are-" I started, but then my heart instantly stopped as my breathing altered, and I began to shake like someone would out in the cold.
On the flyers were pictures of me and Harry.
Someone had followed us around with a camera and got pictures of us kissing, walking into the kinky store, getting our costume's, hugging, the day on the balcony where Harry was hugging me from behind, the time we screwed in the car, etc.
Every intense physical moment we had that wasn't in the bedroom was on this wall for everyone to see.
The secret was out.
"W-Who.." I tried to choke out, but my body was going into such a panick I couldn't seem to form the words.Someone then shoved me out of their, which resulted in me falling into someone, and they shoved me to.
"Get out of here fag!"
"No one wants a pretty little gay boy around here!"
"Look it's Mr. Styles little slut."
"How much did he pay you to take off your clothes Louis?"
"Will you suck my dick for me to?"
"No surprise, you look more female then my mother."
I couldn't help but feel like I had been punched with each insult, the crowd boxing me in as the insults flew from every direction making it harder and harder to breath.
"S-Stop! Please!" I begged, trying to get out of the crowd, and run but there were so many people now I couldn't move.
"Hey! What's all the como-" I then heard Harry shout, but he became silent in the moment I looked over at him.
Harry had come out at first with annoyance, but now as he looked at the flyers his face fell, and he looked over at me with wide eyes.
"Louis?" He mouthed, and I could only shake my head in response as I then rudely shoved a guy out my way prior to running out of the school as fast as I could. Everytime someone tried to stop me, or got in my way, I would shove them out of it until I had made it outside where I could breath.
Walking to my car with trembling legs I gasped for air, and willed myself not to cry. Everyone knew, everyone saw, everyone knew, everyone saw. That was all I could think about. I needed to get out of here. I had to leave.
Then I remembered I had left Harry in that mess of students.
Leaning against my car to catch my breath, I begin to debate if I should go back in for him, but was interupted when I glanced at my reirview mirror and saw Shailene approaching me, and by the look on her face I knew she saw the flyers.
"This is why you've barely been around?" She shouted, as I turned around to look at her, and she slapped one of the flyers onto my chest.
"Sha-" I started, but she held up her hand for silence.
"You've been basically ignoring me, being nice to him, and absent one two many times because you both are fucking?!" She yelled, and the words felt like a punch.
Like I had done something bad.
Something wrong.
"No Shailene it's not like that we-" But I was cut off when she gave me a light shove. "I can't even look at you right now without getting a stomach ache! This makes me sick!" She then began taking deep breaths as she paced back and forth knotting her fingers in her hair.
I wanted to say something, but her words stung so bad my mouth went numb. "Are you doing this for good grades? Money? Drugs?" She accuses and I swallowed thickly as I shook my head rapidly.
"No! Because we're in love! Well we were until I screwed it up!" I shouted back, but my voice wasn't as powerful as I wished it had been because I had been struggling to fight back a sob. She then laughed humorously.
"Love? Love? Is that what he told you to say if you both were busted? Well guess what Louis, that bloody thing you and him have isn't love! He's confusing you." She shouted, her voice below a scream as she then stormed off.
I made no move to grab her as the tears finally started to slip while I watched my second best friend walk away from me for the same reason the first had.
Because of Harry.

Notes