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Clarity

63.

It was an hour since I walked out of Harry's bedroom and left him alone in the cold bathroom.
Many times during the lapse of that hour I had started to get up, and go to him but I stopped the instant the tip of my toes touched the hallway floor. It wasn't that I was afraid to approach Harry, it was just I didn't know how.
I was scared of saying the wrong thing, I was scared of getting him more upset, just the thought of it made me feel sick. I also had been crying a good portion of the time. I felt so incrediably guilty, hurt, and horrible I couldn't contain the flow of my tears.
To know I had hurt Harry through my own stupidy, through thinking I was going to protect him, was painful.
Really painful.
Now exactly two minutes into the second hour, I was laying down in the guest bedroom, nestled among the blankets with Ireland while my ears strained for someone, anyone, to call my name. Including Harry.
As each second passed I became more I afraid I had lost him. The whole time I had been fiddling with my promise ring, continously taking it off, whispering the inscription to myself, then putting it back on only to repeat the process.
I had considered calling Shailene, Marcus, or my parents a couple of times and confessing the ugly truth to them so I could get advice, but I was still basking in my own fear.
Maddie had been another option, but I was to ashamed to meet her eye even though I was pretty sure she had no idea what was going on.
A little bit after I had left Harry's bedroom Maddie had come up to ask what all the screaming and shouting was about but both of us politely shut the door in her face so she let us be. I was begining to deeply regret moving in today.
Of all the days Gemma had to tell him it had to be today, she couldn't wait until a week from now, or a couple of days, or maybe never? I should've known better that she wouldn't keep her hold on the juicy information I had offered to sleep with her if she left Harry alone.
Yet as previously stated it was an innocent act of love. I was honestly trying to protect him, but I was afraid Harry wouldn't believe me on that. I was terrified he wouldn't forgive me for an act of stupidy.
In all honesty if me and Gemma had actually began to do the horrid act I would've cracked under the pressure and ran before she could get my shirt off, and then I would've confessed the near deed to Harry.
So I suppose in conclusion Harry would've found out one way or another.
I just wish it had been me to break the news gently to him, because Gemma made me sound like a scumbag cheat, which I knew I wasn't, but I couldn't help but feel like it. Harry honestly had a right to be mad, but he didn't have a right not to give me the oppertunity to explain.
"What are we gonna do Ireland?" I then sighed, scratching the puppy's head as he chewed on the quilt, making playful growls and yelps as he would occasionally turn his head to the side to nip at my hand which I didn't mind.
"I mean, I know this is my fault, and I need to fix it but I don't know how." I admitted, feeling my now dry eyes glaze over with tears again.
"What if he breaks up with me Ireland? I don't know if I can live with that guilt, because I know it'll be my fault." I said, my tone going from soft and sorrowful to miserable and choked up.
"I reall-" I begin, about to confess another complaint to my pre-occupied animal, but I was interupted by a shriek from down the hall.
"Harry!" I heard Anne shout, and immediately I felt an icy glaze grip my heart in a breath taking moment as I jumped up. Taking deep breaths I slide off the bed, and stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind me.
"Anne? What's wrong?" I called, my heart beating so hard I could feel it pulsing in my fingertips and throat. In the moment the question had slipped my lips Maddie appeared in the hall as well, completely in a fluster giving me the impression she was equally as startled as me.
"Harry! It's Harry!" She shouted, and me and Maddie shared a look before running to his room, tears already threatening to spill over in my eyes in fear. Please God don't let him be dead. Please. "Is he-" I started to say, but was stunned to silence when me and Maddie stumbled in.
Harry was laying on the bed, breathing, but covered in blood. He had cuts all over his thighs, legs, and feet that look generally painful. At the sight I nearly lost my footing in a collapse, this was my fault, this was my fault, this was your fault Louis.
"Oh my gosh!" Maddie exclaimed, rushing to his bedside as she pressed her fingers to his neck to make sure there was a pulse, even though it was obvious he was alive due to his heavy breathing.
"D-Did he pass out?" I asked, practically heaving as I walked over to his bedside as well, my eyes soaking in a sight I was never going to forget.
Ever.
"No. I think he's sleeping." Maddie assured, some how maintaining a calm demeanor as she gestured to the empty packets scattered over the floor. "Harry's sleeping pills, but from the look of it he only took a couple, probably to sleep." She said, and Anne nodded with a ragged breath.
"My baby." She said softly, grabbing his hand as she glanced at Maddie, "Go get a first aid kit!" She then demanded, her soft tone becoming one of panick, and Maddie responded immediately by jumping up and running out of the room.
With in a moment, by the time I had pulled up a chair to Harry's side in case he needed me, Maddie came running back in with a half open first aid kit for she had been pulling out wipes, and from what I saw alcohal.
The kind they used for the hurt of course. "Is there anything I can do to help?" I asked, the panick evident in my tone, but my only response was Maddie shaking her hand as her and Anne begin to hurridly pour the alcohal onto cotton balls.
"What are those for?" I asked, gripping the blood stained sheets on the bed to calm the twitching in my hands. "Louis shush." Maddie ordered as her and Anne then began to clean the cuts with the alcohal soaked cotton balls.
For a moment Harry's body had no reaction, he was still, but then once Anne and Maddie moved to the next set of cuts he jerked awake in an instant.
"Ouch! That hurts!" He shouted, his eyes shooting open with tears glazing them as he began to sit up so he could scoot away, but I gently grabbed his trembling shoulder which restrained him from sitting up the way he desired.
"Shh..Harry..it's okay..we need to take care off it.." I coaxed, gripping his shoulder affectionately, pleading in my mind for my face to remain neutral so Harry wouldn't see me about to have a break down.
"N-No." He whimpered, shaking his head fast, but I kept my grip steady even when a tear escaped his red rimmed eyes. "It'll be okay." I promised, as Anne and Maddie began to clean another set and a scream, a literal scream left Harry's lips.
"Mum please stop! It hurts really bad!" He yelled as the pain began to slip into his features and his body tensed and untensed.
It was tearing me to shreds to see Harry in physical pain, it was paining me to know it was my fault he had pulled out the blades, I shouldn't have left him alone, I should've just sucked up my pride and asked Maddie for a key after telling her what happened.
"Do you want me to call Zayn?" She asked softly, her features pale, and eyes widdened still from the surprise as she gently dabbed clean yet another cut.
Harry only nodded in response as he reached up to his shoulder then grabbed my hand tightly in the moment of his breathing going unsteady. I would be lying if I said in that instant I felt a bit of rejection.
Wasn't my presence in Harry's moment of pain enough? Was it really nessicary to drag anymore people into this? Make anyone else upset? Even though Harry's mum had calmed down, and Maddie was remaining composed I could tell they were freaking out just as much as I was.
"Harry..I'm here.." I whispered, and Harrys now tear stained cheeks shifted to my direction as he reached out to grab me, then pulled me close in a death grip, that I didn't mind in the slightest, before starting to sob into my hair.
Please God make this stop. Make his pain go away, make me feel it because it was me who had inflicted it by my stupid stupid actions. At those thoughts I wrapped my arms around Harry and held him as tightly as I could with out hurting him.
"I'll go get Zayn on the phone now." Maddie said, handing her cotton ball to Anne as she rose to her feet, and slipped out her cellphone. I couldn't help but let my contained tears slip down my cheek and off my chin when I saw it.
"No! Don't! I can take care of Harry!" I shouted, my voice pleaing as I held Harry tighter, and my tears became heavier. I wanted desparately to be Harry's comfort, not quiffy.
Maddie ignored my protest though, quickly dialing the number and stepping off the side as Anne continued to clean the cuts, and Harry continued to cry out and sob in pain while I held him close, and cried with him just not as obviously.
How was ever going to be able to forgive myself for this?
How was I ever going to be able to cope with myself?
"Zayn is on his way! He only lives a couple of blocks away at the moment." Maddie announced, hanging up, and rushing back to Anne's side to assist her in cleaning up the damage Harry caused his skin on my account.
I couldn't help then but shoot Maddie a nasty glare as I tightened my grip on Harry once more.
For the next five minutes or so the room became silent except for Harry's cries as the pain in his face intensified, with each cry I held him tighter and closer as the crack in my heart grew deeper and I felt sick to my stomach.
Every now and then Maddie or Anne would say something to each other, but my ears were ringing with the agony of my guilt, and I was so consumed and taking care of my Harry I didn't process a single word said.
"These are deeper."
"Then try to be as careful as possible because cleaning these will hurt more."
Those were the words I managed to process, but before I asked them if they could please give Harry a break from the pain, Anne began dabbing one of the deep cuts clean, and Harry screamed in pain, his back arching slightly off the bed, as I tightened my grip.
"Shhh. Baby shh." I whispered in his ear, tightening my grip on him as I kissed his cheek then buried my face in his hair.
"L-Louis..to tight.." Harry whimpered, squirming in my grip, and instantly I loosened it. "Sorry ba-" I had started to say, but was aruptly cut off when the bedroom door flew open, and it was Quiffy Malik.
At the sight of him I couldn't help but allow a pained expression to cross my face as a softer one reached Harry's when his green eyes fell on the dark one's of Mr. Malik. "Hazzy! What happened?" The Bradford boy exclaimed, his face bearing a similiar appearence to everyone else's.
"It's n-not your fault baby.." Harry whispered to me then looked over at Zayn to answer him, but Anne had chosen that moment to clean another deep cut and Harry took a shakey breath before another scream of pain left his lips, and more sweat appeared on his brow.
Zayn then immediately rushed to his side, nearly knocking Maddie over as he brushed by her to get to Harry's other side. "Hazzy boo!" He exclaimed, the concern evident in his tone as he dropped to his knee's next to the bed, and grabbed his hand in the process of brushing the curls off his face.
Excuse you Zayn Malik.
"I thought you said you wouldn't cut anymore, I thought after I cleaned them the first time you would learn." He said. That was it. I couldn't bare to stay in here any longer, I needed a moment to myself to release some pent up emotion.
"Excuse me." I mumbled, kissing Harry's cheek then standing up prior to making a swift exit from the room with a deep sigh, not bothering to close the door in case Harry called for me, which I doubted he would because he had Quiffy.
Zayn's words had definately pushed me over the edge, even though I was almost positive last time Harry got his cuts cleaned by Mr. Malik was way before he met me. As I walked into the hall I felt my body boil in shame.
Quite frankly what I did to Harry was terrible. He didn't deserve that. No one did. I then felt my legs turn to lead as I got pounded with the reality. I needed to sit down or I was going down to the ground one way or another.
Taking deep breaths as the tears began to flow, I leaned against the wall, just a little ways outside Harry's bedroom, and slid down the wall before landing on my bum and pulling my knee's up to my chest. I then broke down like a pathetic child as I placed my face inbetween my knee's.
All I wanted was to protect Harry, but now I felt as if I had pushed him closer to his last days. Sobbing uncontrolably now, I collasped onto my side and curled up into a ball.
Not only now was I guilt stricken, and basically heartbroken, but I was jealous as hell that they had brought Zayn in. Why wasn't I good enough? I mean, I knew I was new with all this depression stuff but I could do it, I can to it.
I can take care of my Harry, I didn't need Zayn to come in and hold his hand for me.
At the thought of Zayn I then began to tremble, Harry in the mist of his pain had looked happy to see him, that hurt.
My sobs coming down to a soft cry now, I began to listen in to the conversation Harry and Zayn were having in the room while I withered away in the hallway in emotional pain, yet how could anyone feel sympathy for me when I caused this hell night.
Gemma couldn't take all the blame for this. "Zaynie it hurts. Make it go away." I heard Harry whine, a sniffle or two inbetween his words.
"I know Hazzy. I'm sorry. You have to clean them. It's almost over." Zayn assured, and I heard Maddie and Anne's muffled voices say something to each other as another cry of pain escaped the room. "Z-Zaynie?" Harry then stammered, and I could help but feel my inners retract in a bit of jealousy.
Zaynie.
More like painie in my jealous arse.
"Yes Hazzy?"
"Get Loubear."
"Alright Hazzy."
At that I then felt my heart warm because Harry had asked for me much to my surprise, but then I felt panick set in because Zayn was going to come look for me, then see me in this horrid state.
Sucking in a deep breath I quickly sat up, wiping at my eyes quickly to hide any lingering traces of my tears. I really hoped I didn't look to bad, because I would be embarassed if Zayn saw me in such a state.
"Louis?" Quiffy then called out, stepping out of the room, and glancing back and forth down the hall before spotting me and walking over, as I scrambled to my feet quickly. "Yes?" I asked, even though I was well aware of why he was looking for me.
"Haz- I mean Harry wants you." He informed, slipping his hands in his pockets and peering down at me as he rocked on his heels.
"Are you sure?" I asked, yet I knew he was pretty sure. "Yeah he needs you." Zayn sighed, nodding towards the bedroom door, and that was all it took for me to practically skip into the room, brushing past Zayn in the hallway in the process.
"Be more careful." I asked Maddie and Anne politely while they cleaned the last cut. I then sat at Harry's side, feeling the ache in my chest lessen a bit as he looked up at me with an exhausted expression, and held open his arms for me to lay down.
Even though I was well aware we were on bad terms, I still laid down, and rested my head on my chest as he wrapped an arm around me wordlessy.
Maybe he'd forgive me after all. Anne and Maddie then sighed in union as they stood up, Maddie wiping some presperation off her forehead.
"We gave him a pain killer so he might act a bit high, but will go to sleep soon." Anne informed as Zayn re-entered the room, and I nodded. "Are you done now?" I asked, my voice a bit choppy from crying.
"Yes. You boys can take over from here, but call us immediately if there's a problem." Maddie ordered, waggling her index finger with a stern expression, and me and Zayn nodded as the girls then exited the room leaving the three of us alone.
For a long awkward moment everyone was quiet, Zayn lingering near the door, Harry steadying his breathing, and me wondering what I should next. Harry then broke the ring of silence in my ear by giggling.
"Lets all cuddle!" He announced, the arm around me tightening as I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped my lips, yet I remained silent. "Louie can be on this side," He pointed to where I was laying next to him.
"And Zaynie can be on this side." He said, gesturing to the other side of the bed that had just enough space for Quiffy to lay down.
I think quite frankly I'd be lying if I said I was okay with Zayn cuddling with Harry, but there was already so much tension between the three of us, I chose not to increase it by finding an excuse to as why 'Zaynie' couldn't cuddle.
"Oh gosh Harry!" Zayn chuckled, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he shook his head at Harry.
With Zayn's response to Harry being what I guess was high, I nuzzled my face into Harry's side, deciding to jump at the oppertunity to get some affection now since Harry would most likely be mad when the meds wore off, meaning I would get nothing.
"C'mon Zayniepooo!" Harry coaxed, rubbing my arm as he tightened his grip on me even more so, and Zayn sighed. "Alright, alright." He said, walking over to the other side of the bed, and kicking off his shoes before laying down next to Harry, and getting the other arm wrapped around him.
I couldn't help then but to shoot Zayn a death glare when my eyes met his. If I was a snake I'd bite him so fast. "What kind of pain killer did your mum give you anyways?" I then asked, tearing my harsh gaze away from Zayn, and looking up at Harry.
It must be a pretty messed up pain killer for him to not consider I would be upset by him cuddling with Zayn.
"Vicodon!" He informed, then kissing Zayn's head, and my cheek. I definately couldn't ignore the twist of jealousy that one gave me. Having jealousy mixed with stress, and guilt didn't create a very nice emotion.
"You two are snug- Oh my gosh Louis guess what?!" Harry exclaimed, excitement crossing his face, and I couldn't help the small smile that came on my face when he address me not Zayn.
"Yes Harry?" I asked, drapping an arm over his stomach to get more comfortable, even though I felt me being here was wrong. Harry was mad at me, I should be sleeping in a separate bed until we officially made up, yet something told me he'd throw a fit if I left.
"I'm daddy's little ding dong slut!" He shouted, and Zayn laughed as I choked. Was he high? Or was he drunk? Because for someone who was just in withering agony he sure was giggly and cute to be honest.
"Who's your daddy Harry?" Zayn asked, a smirk on his face, as I raised an eyebrow at the question. "Yeah Harry who?" I asked, and Harry giggled.
"His name is Louis Tomlinson, and he's really sexy, and he has the best arse ever!" Harry said, making Zayn erupt into a fit of laughter as my cheeks turned red.
Then again he wasn't all that cute.
"I haven't seen you this stoned since high school!" Zayn wheezes, making my lips shape into half a smile, and half a frown. Yet I couldn't help my jaw dropping a bit though as I thumped Harry's chest. "He's gone loco, not high." I teased, and Harry swatted my finger away with a grin.
"It's true I swear! He's like ten inches long!" Harry informed, spreading his hands ten inches apart, and I scoffed as Zayn only laughed harder. Was Quiffy on the pain killer to?
Yet I couldn't help but add onto Harry's statement since he already had embarassed me to a point where I didn't care anymore.
"Lies! It's fifteen!" I protested, sitting up, which caused Harry's arm to fall off, and I spread my hands like a foot apart. Harry then gasped. "How would you know?! Are you screwing my boyfriend?!" He yelled, then laughed before pouting cutely as Zayn rolled his eyes and kissed his temple.
At that I made sure to shoot him the nasty look the most evil parts of me could create. "Last time you were stoned like this, it was at that rainbow blow job party." Zayn said, now calm from his fit of laughter.
Even though Zayn's comment made me curious, yet a bit squeamish at the same time I blew it off and directed my attention back to Harry's accusion. "Definately. Every night." I teased, leaning down and kissing his forehead.
"You look like my boyfriend!" Harry shouted, then wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug before I could sit back up. At least I had both arms around me now, and Quiffy was out in the cold. Harry's words also made me feel relieved because he didn't sound like he was gonna dump me.
"Rainbow party?" I asked, now deciding to divert back to Zayn's comment, for I was genuinely curious. "Yeah it was so much fun!" Harry laughed, squeezing me tighter which caused me to lay half ontop of him, and half off him.
Not that I was complaining of course, for it was cozy position. “Harry you complained half that time!” Zayn informed, sitting up on his elbow and ruffling his hair as I exhaled sharply when Harry looked up at him with a grin.
“I’ve never been to one.” I said, though I had to admit, it didn’t sound like a common activity to attend. Harry only giggled at my comment, and tapped my cheek before looking back up at Zayn. “Only because I hated that lipstick on me.” He whined.
Lipstick? Was I suppose to find that hot, or not hot? I was gonna go with funny quite honestly, because that was a bit funny.
“Hey your the one who wanted to try a rainbow.” Zayn laughed, laying back down, on his back, and I frowned because now I was a bit lost, and felt a bit excluded because I was lost. “What exactly do you do there?” I inquired, becoming genuinly curious now.
“You put on rainbow colors of lipstick then suck someone off.” Harry said, shrugging, and I couldn’t help but crinkle my nose at that. I could safely say the only guy I would ever suck off is Harry. I would never participate in an event like that.
“Oh.” I simply said in response, and Harry began to pepper kisses over my neck as he squeezed my sides affectionately.
“Yeah, but Haz then thought it would be fun to get stoned.” Zayn informed, shaking his head at Harry peppering kisses over my neck as I squirmed around with a smile. “I’m more into the kinky stuff.” Harry mumbled against my neck, his eyes meeting mine for a moment then he let out a long sigh.
“More cuddles! I need kisses! And cuddles from you both, or otherwise I shall shove a banana in your sexy faces.” Harry whined wrapping an arm back around Zayn much to my dismay, and Zayn cuddled into him as he kissed his cheek.
With seeing that I made no move to repeat Zayn’s kissing of the cheek action, but did cuddle into Harry with a fake yawn.
“Man I’m tired! I think we should all go to bed. In our own beds.” I said, praying Harry and Zayn would take the bait but they didn’t much to my disappointment.
“No! Sleep with me because I’m cold.” Harry pouted, pulling both of us closer in a grip so tight, it would take a bit of squirming to escape. “I’ll stay the night Haz.” Quiffy ensured, his eyes flickering over to me then looking away as I swallowed harshly, feeling my chest twist.
“Okay, but Harry please do actually sleep. You need it.” I begged softly, and Harry nodded as he laid his head down ontop of mine and fluttered his eyes shut. Looks like the high show was over. “Such a charmer.” Zayn chuckled, and I couldn’t help but shake my head.
“You have so idea.” I sighed, placing a soft kiss on Harry’s neck as I cuddled up to him, and he tightened his grip on me.
“Love you Haz.’’ Zayn’s soft voice then floated out, and he kissed Harry’s forehead before cuddling up to him, and nuzzling his face into MY BOYFRIEND’S shoulder to get some sleep.
At the sight I could do nothing more then exhale sharply as I gritted my teeth, and Harry’s warm breath made a blanket over what ever bare skin of mine it hit.
Feeling my eyes brim with tears once more, I looked up at Harry who looked like an angel, and kissed his chin sweetly.
“I know I screwed up Harry, but I love you.”

Notes

Comments

@mandyyloveslouisandharry



@Larreh Stylersun
nvm. i think she's done writting it

XavierDye XavierDye
11/21/14

@XavierDye
I can't find it:(( could you help me please ive been waiting for an update sooo long

@XavierDye
Can you tell me her 2nd profile name in Wattpad please??

Larreh Stylersun Larreh Stylersun
10/27/14

If you want to read another chapter go on wattpad and look it up, she updated. It's just her second account

XavierDye XavierDye
10/25/14

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Larrys_berry Larrys_berry
8/13/14