Clarity

Me and Harry had stayed up late talking that night.
There was really no official topic, we both just laid side by side, after changing the sheets and pulling on boxers, talking about any random thing that popped to mind. Though we were both careful to avoid the topic of Scruff.
During that long conversation Harry had informed me I left my door unlocked, and that's why he had been able to get in. We also kissed a few more times to, but not the heavy make out kind. Just simple, sweet pecks.
Through out our chat he would continously brush his fingers over my face. I had never seen such a look of contentment or happiness on his face before, or anyone's come to think of it. He looked so peaceful, his voice soft, his mind soaking in ever word, and eyes drinking in my every movement.
Finally though we both had ended up drifting away into a peaceful sleep. Him laying on his stomach, with an arm drapped over mine, while our deep breathing mixed, and each other's warmth engulfing the other.
Never before had I felt so safe sleeping. I had thought that night was going to be one from hell, filled with screaming, crying, and nightmares. But it hadn't. Instead I smiled that night, laughing at his occasional attempt at a joke.
My body was still heavy from the grief or my loss, but he helped me carry the burden. I really didn't want to imagine what would've happened if he hadn't been here, if he hadn't come here. Speaking of coming, Carson hadn't made an appearence at all.
That was one of my questions in the depth of our conversation, but Harry just shrugged and said he really didn't know. So it ended there. Now this morning, I had woken up because of the sound of the garage truck picking up the trash. It was Monday.
"Harry..?" I groaned, my eyes fluttering open, and I rolled over to nudge him awake and tell him I had work, but he wasn't there. He wasn't there?" Harry?" I called a little louder, sitting up, and rubbing my eyes as I looked around. He really wasn't there. Well not in the room at least. He wouldn't just up and leave would he?
I felt my stomach twisting into a small knot as I threw back my covers and shivered. The room was freezing cold. The floor cool to the touch of my bare feet. "Harry are you here?" I call out once more, brushing my hands threw my hair, and yawning as I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room.
Empty.
He wouldn't really just have sex with me then walk out the door? Suddenly a sick feeling curled up in my stomach, and I bit down on my lip as I shook my head. He wouldn't. He wouldn't just sneak off would he?
"Harry, you in here?" I ask, my morning voice a bit scratchy from screaming and crying last night. The kitchen was empty as well, and I knew he wasn't in the bathroom, because the door was wide open. Unless he was hiding in the shower. "
Lovely." I said, shaking my head as I walked over to the island, and opened it. "Where's the kibble.." I muttered, feeling a strong sense of rejection and betrayal. Carson must've been right. He left right after I let him in my pants.
"Scruff did you break into your dog food again?" I shout, whistling for him shortly after, but then my heart dropped. "Nevermind." I whisper, closing the cabinent, and leaning against it as I ran my hands down my face.
Suddenly all my good feelings from last night dropped, and I felt the same grasping pain from yesterday. Of course I'd go and do something stupid to remind myself that my dog was gone, it was only natural to follow my morning habits.
Taking a deep breath I bit my lip, and pulled myself up onto the counter. It was going to be so weird, loosing him. Not having him here. The apartment almost didn't feel like my home anymore. Everything felt so wrong with out him. I was missing him again and that arse Harry wasn't here to-
Then in that moment my eyes fell upon a folded piece of paper, a piece of paper that had my name written on it in ellite cursive, and was below my phone.
"Hello..?" I muttered, reaching behind me and sliding it over, before picking it up, and putting my phone in the waistband of my boxers.
This had to be from Harry.
Biting my lip, I unfolded it and squinted my eyes at the neat print, reading each word carefully.

Hey handsome,
So sorry I wasn't able to kiss you good morning, but I'm afraid I had to run to work, and didn't want to wake you up. Your so cute when you sleep. I made you breakfest, it's in the microwave. Oh and you have five text messages, so check your phone!
~Your Sexy Mr. Styles xxx
Ps. I cleaned up your kitchen, sorry if I misplaced something. X

A wide smile then appeared on my fallen face as my heart fluttered. Of course he woudn't just ditch me like that! He didn't seem that cruel or heartless. It must've just been me assuming the worst case senerio.
It was actually kinda cute that he had gone out of his way to make me food, and remind me people had been trying to contact me. My eyes then swept around the kitchen, and I saw the counters shone to perfection, dog food swept off the floor, and all the dishes washed.
That fool really didn't need to do all that. He was to sweet.
I couldn't believe I had actually fallen for him though, the teacher I couldn't stand less then a month ago.
I mean, yes it was a scary but an amazing feeling. I never thought I'd fall for a guy, but impossibe things can happen. It felt kinda nice actually, nice to know I had someone now. I mean I wasn't sure how long we would last, nor was I sure if we would, but a thrill is always fun.
And him changing my sexuality was definately one. Or maybe he was just the type of person where you'd like him whether he was male or female? Because to be honest, I think I'd take him as a girl to.
Tossing the note in the draw of the island counter, I slid off and over to the microwave where a delicious looking breakfest of eggs and toast was spread on one of my plates. Biting my lip harder, trying to stop the aching grin, I pulled it out then sat on my kitchen floor before eating it with my fingers.
I would've grabbed a fork, but was to lazy. I usually ate on the floor though. I had never bothered to buy a kitchen table, and I just found it more convient. Though of course I'd always have to keep it clean in case I spilled some food on it or something.
While I ate, I unlocked my cell, and responded to Shailene's messages, assuring her I was okay, and had been informed by Carson that he had called in and canceled practice, because he felt like it would be to hard on us.
That was another thing, how would I break the news of Scruff to my family, and team? They would all be heartbroken. Especially my sisters, and that one little girl on my team Lily. Lily adored Scruff, because he was the only one who didn't judge her for being the smallest.
At that thought I then lost my appetite. Sighing sadly, I stood back up and put the remaining food back in the microwave. I really didn't want it to have to be this way. I was happy I had finally been freed from my Harry problems, for now anyways, but the pain from Scruff dying was going to stay there for a long time.
Just like the lingering pain of my grandparents dying. That kind of pain, loosing something or someone that you loved, it never went away. It was always there, like a knife in the night, waiting for you to make one little wrong move so it could cut into you.
Taking a deep breath in, and deep breath out, willing myself not to cry, I walked into the living room, and put on the tv. I didn't have morning classes this morning so I had to kill a couple of more hours.
When I had been responding to the texts I noticed it was after eleven thirty, meaning I had time to spare. For the next hour or so, I watched countless reruns of multiple tv shows, occasionally diverting my attention back to my phone to respond to a text.
Carson hadn't responded to me at all this morning. I felt a little hurt by that. I mean he's my best friend, he should've been comforting me, the way he always did when I was upset. Or maybe he wasn't ignoring me, but going through the same pain as well?
He had known Scruff just as long as I have, I would dare call him the second owner. That must've been why. I couldn't think of any other reason. He had taken his pick up though, Harry told me so. That was really all Harry had told me.
I was almost positive they had been in the car together, but I doubt anything happened. At least I hope nothing happened. I know that Carson had never really been fond of Harry, but after everything that happened yesterday, I could only hope he'd at least cooled off a little bit towards him.
Finally the long, drawn out, strenious hours had passed, and it was time to go. A small welt of excitement welled up inside of me, as I climbed off the couch, and walked into the bedroom to get ready.
Today the cold front had finally come in, and it was freezing out. Even though my heat was cranked to the max, I still felt the need to cuddle with a couch blanket. I couldn't wait to see Harry though, I knew it was onl the manner of fourty minutes keeping us apart.
Then an unsettling thought registered in my mind. What if my classmates noticed? Noticed the sudden change of atmosphere between me, and Harry? Would they sit back, and except it? Was I suppose to make this public?
Honestly I think for now whether Harry approved or not I'd keeo quiet. Only telling the nessicary people. Hopefully right now the only nessicary people would be Carson, and Shailene, because the thought of telling my family made me sick.
Shaking my head I forced those thoughts of Harry, and any lingering ones of Scruff, and pulled out a black sweatshirt, and denim jeans. Dressing quickly, I then went to the bathroom, and brushed out my mop of messy bed hair.
Well actually sex hair.
Just the thought of the events that had occured last night, made me press my lips together for I was grinning so hard. When I had been brushing my hair I did note the faint love bites on my neck, but I wasn't really worried because no one ever asked anyone why they had love bites.
Unless that person wasn't single, then yeah. My body actually begin to pulse at the thought of Harry's hands on me again. Even though we hadn't done much more then love bites, and intercourse he had made me feel amazing. Brought me to places no girl ever could.
I could feel my breath hitch from the excitement of our next time. Never thought I'd be so eager. Also there was the thought, were we suppose to hold hands? Cuddle? Hug? What were we suppose to do? I guess we'll just have to talk about it later, after class.
Maybe he would come over again?
By the time these thoughts had swept by, I was walking down the stairs of the apartment building, my keys in hand, and back pack attatched to my shoulder. Even though I still had my ache for Scruff, an ache that hadn't died, I felt a circle of happiness reflection around it, containing it from affecting me.
Harry was that happiness right now. It felt amazing to know, to understand my feelings, even though I was scared of them. I defiantely liked him alot. I wasn't sure though if this would be more then puppy love between two guys.
Chances were high that it would be nothing, but that. Yet where was the fun in thinking so far ahead so soon? Sighing, I unlocked and opened my door before tossing in my backpack, and climbing into my seat.
With in moments I was pulling out and onto the steady traffic of the road. I could feel the excitement building with each second. I was anxious to see him, but nervous at the same time.
What was I suppose to say? Should I just do my normal thing, mutter hello, and sit down? It seemed like the only logical way. Or thing.
I didn't play any music on that drive, to fidgety to listen to anything but that little voice inside my head. Yet my thoughts had to quiet down, because I was in a stream of reckless drivers that kept cutting people off, meaning I needed to pay attention or get into a wreck. Wouldn't that be lovely. A man's two prized possesions destroyed in less then twenty-four hours.
Soon though, much to my relief, I pulled into the parking lot of the University, and parked in my normal spot. Then as I turned off my car I frowned.
Something felt different.
Yes I was at the same school, in the same parking lot, using the same back pack, but something changed. I felt an air of something, out of place?
Running my hands through my hair, I decided to blow off the feeling as a tired one, and grabbed my bag climbing out of the car before locking it. "Louis!" An all to familiar voice called out, and a small, sad smile appeared on my face as I turned around.
"Hey Carson." I called back, as he came running over to me in a huff. "Hey bro, I thought you weren't going to show." He comments, stopping about half a foot away from me, and shoving his hands in his pockets as he rocked on his heels, looking down at me as he chewed his lip.
"Well I would've rather stayed in bed, but you know me. Always moving." I say with a shrug, pocketing my keys as I crossed my arms, and looked up at him. "Oh." He chuckles, playing with his fingers that he had removed form his pocket. He looked a little nervous? No. He couldn't be nervous now could he?
"You okay?" I ask, reaching out and giving him a light punch. "No. I mean yes! No. Sorta." He replies, rubbing the back of his neck and I cocked an eyebrow. "What's wrong?" I ask in concern, believing this had something to do with Scruff. He must be scared to talk about it. To be honest I was little afraid the mention it as well.
He then exhaled loudly, "Louis can we please talk? It's really importent." He pleads, and I feel a frown appear on my features. "Sure, we have time." I said, biting my bottom lip now as he gestured for me to follow him.
"Okay, but not here." His feet begin to carry him towards the backway of the school, and I shrugged as I curiously followed him. This must be pretty importent, if we couldn't talk about it in the public eye of the parking lot.
We both remained quiet, not uttering a word, until we got to the back of the school that was.
"What's up?" I ask, dumping my bag on the ground, and sitting on one of the trashcan's, those kind they glued to the ground. At first he said nothing. All he did was run his hands through his hair, repeatedly swallowing.
The longer he took to respond, the more a nervous feeling begin to curl in my stomach. He looked so nervous, it was begining to make me worry about what he was going to tell me. I had never seen him look so unwound.
I then opened my mouth to say something, but he held up a hand for silence. "Now, just bear with me. This is hard to say, and I wasn't planning on telling you. Well not now at least, but yesterday inflicted my choice." He says slowly, and my frown deepens.
"Go on." I respond, gesturing for him to continue. A deep breath then was taken in as he sat down on the trash can across from me.
"Louis I'm bisexual." He says quickly.
I swear with in that moment I had never felt a shock so great. My eyes had widdened, and jaw dropped opened. "Since when?" I choke out, trying to keep my tone calm. I wasn't sure if I was happy about this, or mad he didn't tell me.
This was a big thing. Maybe me and Harry inspired him to come out?
"Since I met you." He breaths, his features showing how scared this moment was making him. "So you were bisexual before you met me?" I ask, a little confused on what he meant. He shook his head, standing back up in union with me. Both of us obviously uncomfrotable at our seating choice.
"No I was straight, or so I thought."
Another deep breath was inhale, and he begin to walk over to me.
"Louis you made me bi. Or, you made me realize it. Louis I'm in love with you. That's why I'm a player, I use those people to forget about you, but now I need to take my stand." He confesses.
Shock number two hits me so hard I need to lean against the wall for a moment to recover. Harry had been right, Harry had been bloody right! How could I have never seen it before? All these years of us being friends, and I never took notice of it at all.
My stomach had twisted so hard right now, and I felt my mouth dry out. How was I suppose to react to this? He was my best friend so of course I didn't want to hurt him, but how else was I going to reject him?
"Carson..I..I..don't know what to say." I admit honestly, and he shakes his head as he closes the distance between us, and his arm is wrapped around my waist. Oh shoot. "Just say you'll give me a chance." He mumbled, his words soft as he pulled me up against him, and I felt a little sense of panick.
It wasn't technically the fact that he was making me uncomfortable, but this wasn't my favorite situation. "Carson I don't-" I start, but get cut off when he quickly cupped my cheek, and pressed his lips against mine.
My body tensed at first, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I didn't want to kiss him. Yet this must've taken alot out of him. "Louis please.." He mumbled, still moving his lips against mine, and I hesitently nudged my lips against his, letting my arms hang at my sides.
I didn't know how to push him away with out being mean. It actually made me feel instensly guilty because Harry had said similiar words to me, but this was different. Me moving my lips back though was a terrible move, because Carson took it as an invitation to touch me further, and he groped me roughly, making me instantly snap to my sense and push him back.
'Carson stop." I said softly, and a look of appoligy crossed his face as he pulled away, and stepped back a few paces. Making a couple of feet of distance from me. "Will you give me a chance? I mean I know I'm no Mr. Styles, but I can treat you better." He promises, as I shake my head slowly.
"Carson no." I pause for a moment to run my hands down my face, and lean heavily against the wall. "I'm sorry Car, but I don't feel the same way. I really wish I did but-" He then rudely cut me off, "It's him isn't it? Harry?" He asks in a dangerously low voice.
"No. Well yes, half and-" But that sentence wasn't finished either, because he cut me off. "I've heard enough Tomlinson." He says, a deep look of rejection crossing his face as he turned on his heel, and begin to walk away.
"Carson wait!" I called diving after him, and grabbing his arm. I might not have liked him back, but I did really want to talk this through. "Lets just talk about it. Talking makes everything better, you taught me that." I beg, but he pulls his arm away and turns to look at me with a glare.
"Get the hell away from me, I want nothing to do with you." He snaps, his tone cruel and my heart drops into my stomach. Please no. Not today. "Carson I'm sorry, I can't control my feelings." I appoligize, reaching for his arm again, but he gives me a light shove.
"I said stay the hell away from me! Get out of here! Don't touch me." He shouts, causing some people to glance our way. "Carson, we're friends. We should talk about this." I comment, a little shocked he had pushed me, but I didn't say a word about it.
"We were friends Louis, but as of this moment you are no longer my mate." He informs, his tone so full of venom I had to blink hard to convince myself it was him, then I felt my stomach twist. "You can't be serious?" I manage to get out, and he nods sharply.
"I am. We're done. Stay away from me. Go frollic through a feild with Harry." He snarled, then just like that my best- ex best friend of eight years walked away. "Oh my gosh." I breath, swallowing the rising lump in my throat.
That had hurt bad.
Him yelling at me, then pushing me, then walking away.
Was this just a faze? Maybe that was his way of dealing with it? Or maybe not. Maybe he was serious. Maybe because I didn't return the feelings, he wanted nothing more to do with me. Was that what our friendship had been based on? His feelings? Him trying to win over my affection.
At that point anger had broiled up inside of me, as I walked back over to my bag and snatched it off the ground. I had wanted so badly to go at home at that moment, go home and curl up into a ball.
Was it wrong for a guy to feel this much loss? Was it wrong for me to get upset?
Usually when guys fight it ends well, but I had a feeling this wouldn't.
Biting my lip harsh enough to draw blood, I gripped my back pack strap tightly, and walked inside. During my walk to my History, I kept my eyes trained on the ground, afraid to make eye contact with anyone.
Luckily neither Shailene nor Marcus came up to me in the hallway. How were they going to take it? Carson had been a big part of their lives to. He was my wingman, what was a wing with out a man? Shailene would most definate be upset. Marcus, I wasn't so sure. He hadn't been in the picture as long.
Also there was not to mention the fact of Harry. How could I possibly tell him Carson confessed his undying love, kissed me, then ended the friendship? I'm not being a drama queen, but I'm pretty sure he was going to flip.
Inhaling deeply, I walked into the class, luckily with no one paying any attention to me. Except Harry of course, who was drawing a picture under today's assignment, and he grinned at me but it faded when he saw my face.
Of course he would notice my disposition.
Yet I managed to wave, and force a smile as I took a seat in my desk. Carson wasn't there. He wasn't present. He must've gone home, or to the bar. His favorite places to be when upset.
"Alright class, today I want to just focus on reading Romeo and Juliet, I think it would be good to start this week off slow. Oh, and you have an extra day on your assignments." Everyone hooted, then proceeded to pull out their books, while I just laid my head on my desk.
This week was already off to a horrible start.

Notes