Envy (Niall Horan) [BOOK 1]

Niall's letters begin with (') and end with (') okay well enjoy

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ELIS POV
I get out of my car and I walk towards the small café. This café is very cozy and warm. When I walk in, the smell of coffee and pastries surrounds me. I close my eyes and enjoy it for a quick second.
"Eli over here!"
I turn my head to the side and I see Luke sitting in a small table with a coffee.
I give him a small smile and I walk towards him. He gets up and gives me a quick hug.
I feel myself wince a little in pain, as he hugs me. My stomach and some of my ribs still hurt. He quickly let's go and looks at me concerned.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
I give him a soft smile.
"Ya, I just fell earlier today and I got a scratch on my stomach and ya.."
Not my best lie, but he sees how I don't want to talk about it so he lets it go.
I walk across the small table from him and I sit down. He sits down as well and he takes a quick sip of his coffee.
"Hadn't your mother ever told you to not drink coffee this late mister?" I say teasingly.
He laughs and takes another sip while smiling.
"What mom doesn't know, won't kill her." He responds, which causes me to chuckle.
The laughter quickly dies down, and the room becomes awkward.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" I ask, breaking the silence.
He clears his throat a little and looks down at his hands to think.
"To be honest it really doesn't matter anymore. When you left the restaurant, I started thinking and realized I got my answer."
"Answer to what?" I ask more curious.
His blue eyes meet mine.
"I was going to ask you out...but then I realized that you don't feel the same way about me." He says a little saddened.
I most likely would've declined his offer, but I'm curious to know why he would think that.
"What made you think that?" I ask.
"Well, when you hugged me and kissed my cheek a few hours ago, your ex- boyfriend was burning holes into me, right behind you... it's obvious that you just wanted to make him jealous, so you used me... You still love him don't you?"
"No I don't! And I hugged you and kissed your cheek because...because I wanted to." I quickly defend.
He gives me a slight grin.
"Eli, it's okay. Don't try to spare my feelings. It's obvious you and him still have things to work out."
I feel tears begin to form in my eyes and I bite my lip, to try to hold them back.
"I talked to him after I left the restaurant and I-I..." I break down in front of Luke.
He scoots his chair next to me and he wraps his arms around me.
"Hey, it's alright. Do you want to talk about it?" he asks.
He let's go of me and I look up at him.
I slowly nod my head and I tell him everything that happened at the club and my apartment.
He didn't interrupt me at all. The whole time he was listening closely. It felt nice to tell someone, but now I feel even more guilty for using him before.
I wipe my tears when I finish, and I take a deep breath. I slowly look up at him waiting for his response.
"Wow, well why are you still here? You obviously need to read those letters." He states honestly.
"I can't just leave you here." I whisper.
He gives me a soft smile.
"I'll be fine El. I need to get home anyway."
I nod slowly and give him a hug.
"Thank you for listening, and I'm so sorry I brought you into all of this."
He let's go of me.
"It's fine. Now go."
I give him another smile before I wave and run out of the café.
Eli's Apartment
The whole drive from the café to my apartment was very stressful and suspenseful for me. All I could think about was what the letters possibly say. Why did he even write them in the first place? Did I make a huge mistake when I let him leave my apartment? Is this going to break my heart even more?
I fought the urge the whole ride to speed down the streets. I was really anxious.
Now that I'm standing at my front door, my stomach is turning and twisting from all my nerves.
My hand begins to shake as I unlock my door with my key and I turn the knob.
I close and lock the door behind me and I run straight to my kitchen table, where I left them. My heart begins to pace faster as I hold the stack in my hands. I take a deep breath and I begin to read the writing on top of each one. They have dates on them.
I organize them, so they're in order and I walk to the edge of my bed. I don't know what I'm about to read, but I feel as if I should be seated for this.
I sit down at the edge of my bed and I place the huge stack on the right side of me. I grab the one on the top, and I stare at the date. My heart stops and I feel a lump in my throat. The day he wrote the first letter is the day he broke up with me...
I take another deep breath as I unfold the letter. The paper is wrinkly and has spots all over. My heart swells as I realize that he cried while writing it. I shake my thoughts and I begin to read.
' Your eyes... The pain I saw in them. I just wanted to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. I've never hated myself more in my life. The words that came out of me weren't real. I'm the pathetic one. I'm the embarrassing one. I couldn't even look at you when the words came out of my mouth. "I'm breaking up with you.." I felt my heart stop as I said them. I wish you would've just left when I said those words so I didn't have to go on. You wouldn't leave though. No matter what I said you stayed there begging on your knees so I had to keep on pushing. I felt as if I we're throwing punches at you and all you did was take them. I didn't mean anything I said. I love you princess. I love you so much. The pain I'm feeling right now is unbearable. You don't know how much strength I had to use to just walk away from you like that. I walked away from my happiness, my light, my angel. I had to do it baby. I couldn't let you get hurt again. I rather die than see you hurt again. I wish I could've told you why I did it, but I knew that you would convince me or change my mind and you would continue getting hurt. I've always been selfish when it came to you. I would always tell myself that you we're fine so I could continue being with you. You see, I can't live without you. I already miss you and it has only been half an hour since I saw you last. I guess knowing that, that would be the last time I will ever see you again is destroying me already. I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I just needed to talk to you in a way where you wouldn't be able to hear me. Ya it doesn't make sense to me either. I don't really write. The last thing I've ever 'really' written we're the letters I wrote to you when you we're ignoring me back at your hotel. You never did read them, but I guess I understand why. I hurt you back then. I wouldn't have talked to me either.
I just realized how I've hurt you so many times. I've been the cause of most of your crying. I'm so sorry. I just wonder why you never left me. I mean I don't deserve you. You are a princess and you deserve to find a prince who will take care of you. I'm sorry.
--Niall '
When I finished reading, I feel how my face is soaked. I didn't even realize I was crying. He broke up with me so I wouldn't continue getting hurt. Hurt from what? I felt safe when I was with him. Did he mean that he was going to hurt me later on? I'm so confused.
I wipe my tears and I place the letter on my lap. I hesitantly grab another one from the stack. I read the date and see how it was written two weeks after the first one.
The letter is two pages long...
I begin to read.
'Everyone thinks It's crazy how I bring your clothes with me to each hotel and I hang them in the closet. I just can't part with them though. They are all I have left of you. I thought you we're going to stay the rest of the tour, but you just disappeared. I haven't seen or heard of you since. When you first left, my mind went crazy. All I could think about was the worst. You didn't answer anyone's messages and calls, and I got worried. I kept on making scenarios in my head of what possibly could've happened. They all ended badly and I couldn't handle being alone with myself. I felt consumed by the thought of you being hurt or worse. I finally felt relieved when Harry told me that you we're alive and you had a home. He wouldn't tell me how he found out or where you we're, but I'm guessing you're with Sofy. She really is a good friend and I'm glad you have her.
We finally finished recording the last song for the second album today. Everyone seemed very excited about it. I mean I am happy about it I guess, but I feel too tired to smile. I haven't slept in days. It's been hard for me. I finally understand the Coldplay lyrics 'When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep..." I'm exhausted, but whenever I close my eyes, you pop into my mind. Sometimes I torture myself, and I continue sleeping. But I know that I have to try to move on, so I wake myself up. I can't be thinking about you. If I do then, that's all I'm going to think about and it will be even harder for me to move on. Even writing the words 'move on' makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to move on. I don't think I'm going to be able to. Louis says that I will, but I don't know. I don't think I will ever find another girl like you. You're like a rare diamond. I'm starting to sound cheesy aren't I? Maybe being 'cheesy' is the only way I can get through this.
Right now I'm on the tour bus. We're heading to the last state. To be honest I don't even remember what state where going to and I don't really care. Ever since you left, I perform just to perform. I don't feel the same excitement and happiness I used to feel. It's funny isn't it? My dream is actually uninteresting to me now. I know many people would give anything to be in my position and I'm acting selfish, but I don't know. I guess I just hate how I have to sing in front of the people that hurt you. I know not all of them had those intentions, to hurt you, but I guess I'm just stubborn.
I wish I knew the people who would hurt you. They would be in jail right now, and maybe you would be next to me right now. Instead of writing in the tour bus with everyone's concerned glares on me, I could've been laughing a long with you about a joke or maybe even kissing you. I have to stop torturing myself like this. These 'what ifs' are driving me crazy and I really don't need this much stress. I'll talk to you later princess. I love you.
--Niall
Ps. I found this in one of the pockets of your shorts. I still have mine. Maybe one day I can give it to you. I hope so.'
At the bottom of the letter is my friendship bracelet taped. I carefully peel off the tape and I squeeze the yarn bracelet in my hand. It smells like him. More tears begin to stream down my face uncontrollably as I continue reading more letters. At one point, according to the dates, he wrote me each day for a week about how much he misses me. I felt as if he was talking directly to me in each letter. He talked about getting his driver's license, when he first started to go to bars and clubs, his first tattoo, and many other things. After the tour, him and Harry decided to stay in America while on their break. They got a house together and everything. I'm now reading a letter dated four months after his first.
'I've been bringing home a woman every day. I don't want to even imagine how disgusted you would be if you find out or how disgusted you were when you found out. I'm sorry, but it had to be done. I have to move on. I'm sick and tired of feeling like shit every day. I know you must hate me even more now, but I don't know what else to do. I already feel dead inside. To make it worse, I can't sleep with any of the women. I usually just flirt with them at the club or bar, they come to me and Harry's place, and I just ignore them and write you. They usually just fall asleep on the couch or just leave. One actually kissed me, but I felt nothing. The kiss was sloppy and worthless. No kiss will ever compare to yours. I try talking to them sometimes. Some of them we're too drunk to answer and would just fall asleep. There was actually one woman that was nice. Her name was Francine, I think. She saw me writing and I didn't notice her reading what I had written from behind me. She seemed interested in who you were and the rest of the night we talked about you. She saw my tattoos and asked about them. I don't know why I trusted her so much. I guess since I was a little drunk myself. I told her about the two I have. The circle represents an earth. She was confused because it just looked like a circle. I told her that it's empty on the inside and is only an outline, because my world is nothing without you. It's just empty. Just a plain circle. I know it sounds odd, but I don't know. I felt like I needed to get it. My second one is of two angel wings. Well it's kind of obvious. You are my angel. It's that simple. We ended up falling asleep while talking and the next morning she was gone. She just left. It's a shame she left early. She was the first person I've talked to that long in weeks. Don't worry Eli. She will never compare to you. No one will.
--Niall
Ps. I think I might get more tattoos.'
He told the truth... He didn't even sleep with them. It still hurts me how one of them kissed him, but he didn't feel anything. I grab another letter and I unfold it.
'I've started reading Eli. One day a crowd of fans we're chasing Harry and I, and we went into the first building we could find. It was a library. Right when I walked in, the sight of all the books reminded me of you. I quickly ran to the librarian and asked if she had the book 'Persuasion' . Harry thought I was crazy, but I ignored him. I can see why it's your favorite book princess. It's brilliant. The words and how they flow together are breath taking. I'm almost done with it. Please tell me that Wentworth and Anne end up together at the end. After being separated for so long, they deserve to be together. Don't you think that people who have been separated for so long, but still love each other deserve to be together? I do. Maybe I'm taking this book too personal, but I don't care. I hope love wins.
--Niall
Ps. I know what my next tattoo is going to be. Wentorth+Anne, Niall+Eli= W.A.N.E.'
I feel myself cry into my hands. He remembered. I look next to me and I notice how there's one letter left. I wipe my tears as I grab and unfold the last letter.
'I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a few months darling. Harry found out about my letters. He thinks I should stop. He says that I'm acting obsessive and that it isn't normal. He tried to make me stop. He doesn't understand.. None of them will. I still love you. I don't think this feeling will ever go away. I wish I could stop, but I can't. I feel as if I stop writing, that you will be gone forever. Maybe I am acting obsessive. I don't know anymore. I guess I'm in denial with myself. I swore to Harry that this would be the last letter to you. I have to make this meaningful. Harry is actually over my shoulder reading this. It's a little uncomfortable for me, but I guess it will have to do.
I miss you. I hope that one day we meet again. I also hope against it as well. If I ever see you again, I don't know what I would do. I would probably beg you to take me back. I don't know how you feel about me now, but the possibility of you still having feelings for me is very low and most likely non-existent. Lately I've been listening to Frank Sinatra. Every song of his is amazing, but none of them will ever be as good as "The Way You Look Tonight". That's our song and it will always be. At least to me it will. The guitar pick you gave me is now a necklace. No one knows, except Harry. It's always hidden inside my shirt. I hope you don't think I forgot about that. I never will. You gave it to me on my birthday. That truly was the best birthday of my life. You we're finally mine. I finally got to kiss you. You told me you loved me. How I miss your words. I wish I could hear at least one last time those words again. "I'm desperately in love with you...." I'm sorry this letter is all over the place princess, I just don't know how to put words together well I guess. I have to go now. Remember that I have not forgotten about you, and I love you.
Ps. Without you, I'm just a flowerless stem...
--Niall
Eli, if you got to this letter, that means that you read them. If you want to see Niall, we are all staying at your old hotel. Me and Niall's room is room 112. I hope you understand now. He misses you dearly. Good luck.
~Harry'
I hug that last letter in my arms with all my might. He loves me. Everything he told me was the truth. All I want to do is hug him and tell him how much I love him, how my feelings have not changed. He seemed so vulnerable in those letters. I've never seen him this broken. I still don't understand why he broke up with me, but I don't even care anymore. We can talk it over and just be together again. I need him. I want him. I want to fix his shattered heart.
I take the last letter with me and I run straight out of the apartment with my keys, and I drive to the Gold Fortune.
My stomach is twisting and turning so much, to the point where it hurts. I tighten my grip on the steering wheel as I feel them slipping due to my sweat. I don't know what I'm going to do or say, but all I know is that I have to tell Niall everything I'm feeling. He has to know.
After the longest ride of my life, I'm finally at the hotel. I run straight inside like a hopeless fool and I ignore everyone around me. I run straight to the check in desk and I see Ricardo smile big.
"Eli! I haven't seen you in a long time! I would love to talk, but what are you doing here at-"
He checks the time on his watch.
"Two in the morning."
"Ricardo, I have to go to room 112. Can I go up?" I ask while still trying to catch my breath.
He smiles.
"Niall's there isn't he?"
I nod my head and blush a little.
"Go ahead. If you need anything ask me."
"Thanks." I say before I run up the stairs to the second floor.
I would take the elevator, but it isn't fast enough. My adrenaline is pumping faster and faster each second.
When I finally reach the second floor, I begin to look for the room.
"Room 109, 110, 111, Ah! 112!" I say to myself.
Out of breath, I knock on the door weakly.
When the door opens my heart begins to pump even faster.
My hopes fall flat, as I see Louis.
"Eli?" he asks.
I try to speak, but my breathing is still un-even.
"Eli breathe." He states while chuckling.
I take a big deep breath and I calm myself down.
"Can I come in?" I ask as my breathing gets back to normal.
He looks behind him for a second and then back at me.
"I'm sorry Eli, but I don't think it's really the right time."
"Louis, I need to talk to Niall, and why are you in here anyways? It is Harry and Niall's room."
"Louis who is that?" I hear a deep voice say from behind him.
My draw drops as I see Harry stand in front of me with a black eye.
"W-what happened!? Who did this?" I ask concerned.
He sighs and looks straight into my eyes.
"Niall did."
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