Fanfiction Help

(4)Wow. So you have LOTS of authors on here. Which not to be a downer, but it doesn't normally work? You DO realize you said Harry has THIRTEEN CHILDREN, right? That is LITERALLY the movie 'Cheaper by the Dozen." I'm trying to imagine Harry with thirteen freaking kids! Give me a minute, please. HARRY WITH THIRTEEN CHILDREN, I CAN HEAR HIS SOBS FROM HERE.

I personally hate stories based on their kids for one reason, I never know who's who. You have to remember in a story where you have this many people, it's nearly impossible to keep track of who is who and who likes who, etc, etc. Especially when theirs almost twenty characters. That's a lot.

Also, your numbers don't really add up. I'm not sure how old the boys are, but Simon's granddaughter is 24. Well as of 2013, he's 54 years old and has a child on the way. His first child. So in twenty years, his daughter will be 19. Zayn will be 40. It would make more sense if it were Simon's DAUGHTER, not granddaughter. I'm a weirdo when it comes to ages. But if it WERE his granddaughter, Zayn and the boys would have to be sixty and they would've had to have kids at forty. And I don't think that's the look you're going for.

I tried to keep track of which girl belonged to which boy, but it was hard. I like that you stayed away from 'Darcy', thank you Jesus. But I couldn't keep track besides the little spurts of things that they had definitely inherited from their fathers. If you could, you should put in parentheses the last name of the girl who's POV it is, it would make it loads easier to understand.

Everything seemed a little rushed. I mean Dani pretty much wrote all of them off as 'friends' and then she was nearly relapsing then she was singing on stage then she was calling them her sisters. It's just all a bit rushed. There isn't much explaining, not enough emotion being conveyed.

Like you have to understand, nearly relapsing is a HUGE deal. It's terrifying. If you're going to add a drug problem into your story, you have to consider what a big deal it is and give it the attention it deserves. Don't just say 'oh look, my old drugs! Should I do them? Nah, better not. Time to go sing!' Addiction is a disease and the emotions it brings up can commonly be linked to depression/self-harm/suicidal thoughts... treat it with as much dignity and respect as your would anything else. It's a triggering topic, don't just brush over it.

On a lighter note, I love Zayn's family situation. He's got a girlfriend not much older than Roksi, she has 'Wings' as her ringtone, and he and Perrie are divorced. It's an interesting scenario and I think it's cool how you played it out.

Also, Roman and Zavier don't have character plates. Which is alright, but I'm currently using that as my go to when I can't figure out who is who's kid, so I'd add them in lol.

All in all, I'm just really confused. I think you should have had them all have ONE kid and made it more of a drama then a 'New girl band' thing. It's too much to keep up with. But I can tell that there's drama I don't understand but there's just SO MANY PEOPLE! I can see the potential, but unless I understand it, it's all pretty pointless.

I'm not going to comment on the grammar/dialogue mistakes because there's like five of you and I'm not sure who I'm addressing. But from what I see, all of you have the dialogue wrong lol.

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