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(6.5)Third person story! I commend you! On AOOO (archiveofourown) nearly every story is in third person, and they're almost always much better. But you did switch off after the prologue. The prologue was intriguing, I'm not a huge paranormal story fan but I like how you bring up their actual mannerisms and use of language. It shows that this alternate world is more than just powers and whatnot. It's a culture, and I definitely appreciate that sort of detail.

I think your writing skills are stronger in the AU department. Like the conversations all seemed fathomable in the first chapter but the second makes it seem like I'm reading someones writing. It doesn't 'flow'. In a great story, you forget you're even reading and you submerge yourself into the storyline. You should feel inside of it almost. Even the conversation seemed forced. Best advice for that is to go back through and read it over, counting how long that conversation would actually take in your head. It can make it seem more realistic. It does get better as I read on though, so I'll give you that.

They touched and you referred to it as 'electricity.' I was going to comment on that saying being overused and cliché but I'm glad I didn't, because I now understand. He did something to her, and now she's changing all sorts of fun colors. Interesting and I've never read anything like that.

It's reminding me a little of high school musical meets A&E supernatural drama which is a little off... I mean bad boys singing in the cafeteria? I think if you had separated the two ideas, they'd makes amazing stories. Having a clear idea of what type of story your writing from the beginning is the basis of a great story. Focus on the fact that something is clearly up with Niall and Devi. She's changing and she knows it, focus on that. Just because its 1D fanfiction, doesn't mean the boys have to sing, you know?

The other thing in the character depiction that threw me off is that she says she KNOWS Niall's a badboy, but other than the fact that he's a little handsy and his first friends are the infamous bad boys, he hasn't done anything that makes him bad? Devi isn't blaming her piercing blue eyes on Niall so that would be the only reason she knew he was trouble. I dunno, I'm just a little lost with her thought process. I mean he holds her hand and walks her to the nurse, if anything, I'd just think he was a lovesick puppy. Not a 'bad boy'.

Okay I don't know if you know this but the address for the 420 part is at '666 Silk Road', NOT ONLY is the 666 a devil reference, but the Silk Road is a hidden website where you can buy drugs (namely weed). So if that was a direct reference, I applaud you for that.

I do actually like your writing style in this story, it's entertaining and light and you give the characters entertaining dialogue. I like stories that can make me laugh, even if the story itself isn't 'funny.' I think you have a clear talent for writing but my hunch is that with the fifteen stories you're writing, you're spreading yourself thin. I think focusing on one or two where you can put all of your time into them. I had three stories at one point and I thought I was drowning, so fifteen is terrifying to me. I think that you'll improve as you keep going, but there were just somethings about the characters and plot that weren't adding up to me.


Favorite Line:

"Listen, Josh. About you and me...it's not gonna work out." I started to walk away but he yanked me back by the arm.That asshole!

"Are you... breaking up with me?"

"Yeah. But it's okay. You'll bounce back." I gave him a sarcastic, sympathetic look and walked away.

I laughed.

Notes

I made an askFM incase anyone wants to anonymously ask me anything about me/the site/my stories/reviewing/writing/just yelling at me. Any of it's fine, really.

Here the link