Longing for you

“He´s crazy”, I informed Liam as we waited in line to pick up some Chinese take away noodles for lunch.

“Probably he just likes the idea of achieving something on his own”, he responded and I rolled my eyes.

“But with the guy he used to dislike that much? Honestly I had been so afraid to tell him the truth about the kiss because I thought he would hate him and punch him after wards, but he´s just all buddy buddy with him know!”, I said outraged.

Therefore I still had no idea how to deal with the whole situation. Zayn was my friend, Harry my fiance and love of my life, but I still could not get them together. It was like two different world collided.

My life I had before I was forced to move back to Germany. A life full of Harry and school, exams and hidden kisses in the yard. And then another a life with Zayn, bakery work, stupid singing in the kitchen and a broken heart.

I was still not sure how to get this two together without messing up everything. But they both seemed to be completely aware of what they were getting their selves in, leaving me completely out.

“From what you told me they both don´t seem to be those kind of guys who don´t know what they´re doing”, Liam said and I was about to reply as I saw a pretty brunette, staring over.

She looked shy, but highly interested in something, sitting there in a flowery dress and a cute basket hat. First I thought she found interest in me and my talking before I noticed that her eyes were definitely fixed on something else.

Actually they laid on Liam´s tall appearance next to me. Why were the guys I hang out with always so much more taller than I was?

“Hey, the cute girl over there is eaten you up with her eyes”, I let him know and pointed with my eyes into her direction.

Liam only furrowed his eyebrows at me before I understood my gesture and took a look at her. She quickly turned her head and pretended to see something really exciting out on the street.

I expected Liam to excuse himself to get over to her and talk to her or just give her a polite smile when she would take another look over here, but he only shrugged his shoulders.

“What´s wrong with you?”, I asked and punched him playfully.

“She´s not my type and besides we´re in a Chinese restaurant that´s really the last place I want to meet the girl of my dreams”, he said and I tried to figure out, if he was really serious about this. Unfortunately he no longer paid tribute to her.

“Liam she´s really cute and she clearly stared over here at you. Do you really wanna use the place as an excuse not to go over there and talk to her at least to get her number?”, I asked still surprised and he nodded his head yes.

“She´s not what I want and if the timing´s worse I don´t thing she´ll be the right one”, he explained and I only shook my head. How could he believe some crap like that?

“If you´re always waiting for the right timing you´ll never find anybody. Actually I think the timing couldn´t have been worse when I bumped into Harry at the bakery”, I said and thought about my embarrassment which was nothing more than a joke to me right now, but that moment I really wanted to die.

“It´s easy to find somebody when you look like you do, Clary”, Liam said quietly since we got closer to the be able to order.

“What do you mean?”, I asked stupidly.

“You look amazing. Guys must stand in a line between your fiance, just waiting for him to take a wrong step to take his place”, he said and I shook my head in complete incomprehensibility.

“Oh God, I don´t. And the thing with the boys is probably the most crazy thing I ever heard”, I said feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

“Come one you can´t pretend like you don´t know. Have you taken a look in the mirror lately? You look really pretty and you´re breathtaking cute, Clary”, he digressed and I cut him off.

“And what about you Liam? Did you take a look in a mirror lately?”, I snapped at him, feeling insecure about what he just said and I had no idea how to respond to his compliments.

They always made me feel uncomfortable and even though I was trying to work on that, just believe them and getting rid of the feeling people were only lying to me it was still hard.

Every time Harry whispered one in my ear, everything in me screamed to tell him to stop it and tell me truth, but I somehow managed to resist and just tell myself to believe his words and I found out that I actually liked them.

Sometimes they gave me hope and made me feel better, made me believe in me again. But Harry was Harry and he was the one person who was as close to me like no one ever had been before.

“What should I see in there? A geeky boy who looks like a walking french fry? No, thank you”, he said and I gave him a surprised look. Was he serious? How could he be so wrong about himself?

“Have you noticed the size of your biceps yet? Or the sparkle in your eyes when you´re listening to music? Or what about your laugh or smile? Ever noticed them in the mirror?”, I asked with a softer voice this time.

Liam gave me look like I was just telling lies, even though I told nothing, but the truth. He was a lot more trained than Harry and Zayn anyways.

He had like this really cute face, which looked really rugged at the same time and his clothing style had a lot of style, especially for a guy.

Actually Liam had like everything he needed to be one of this men every girl wanted. The only problem was that he did not saw this clearly fact.

“You make me feel uncomfortable Clary”, he said and I saw some kind of regret in his face.

This regret was so familiar to me that I felt hurt as well. The similarity between him and I was so huge that it kind of scared me at the same time.

“At some point you just start to believe what the people are saying”, I said quietly and I searched for his gaze. As soon as he realized what my words meant he looked at me, his eyes full of pain.

“There´s just no point not to”, he agreed and I nodded.

“Probably they were all wrong and just needed this feeling to put someone else down to feel better themselves.”

We both had been bullied and even though mine had been quiet a time ago I still felt every hurting word somewhere near my heart, sitting there like a cold snowflake, reminding me now and then what it had felt like to feel nothing worth.

Not pretty enough, not good enough, not talented enough, not skinny enough.

Every word like a little cut, breaking you down and making you unstable until you felt you can´t get up anymore. I knew exactly how Liam felt like and I wished I could just take away all this pain and give him all the self-confidence he deserved.

He was such a good person, but I found out that actually these were mostly the ones who got hurt the most. Sometimes when I felt like I just could not stand all this pain anymore I could not sleep.

I heard voices in my head, pulling me down to my knees just so some guys could beat me up as long as I was bleeding, making me feel dirty and worthless.

But every time it happened I crawled into Harry´s warm body, just because I knew he loved me and he would try everything to protect me and he would not tell that I am such a horrible person, but try to cheer me up, kiss me until I could not think about anything else anymore.

Clary. Pretty. Good. Talented. Skinny. Everything. You´re everything to me.

Until all the voices shut up and left me alone. Liam had nobody who would tell him all these things and comfort him whenever he needed someone to make them shut up and leave him alone.

“You know you can always talk to me Liam”, I said and he gave me a honest smile.

“Thank you”, he said quietly.

“And I promise we´ll find you your soulmate and I swear I´ll take a look for the perfect timing”, I promised and hugged him.

His arms pulled me closer and I knew that I wanted to keep this promise with all I had. Nobody deserved to put you down like this, but everyone deserved someone to make them feel better and loved and I just really hoped we could find someone great for Liam.

Notes