I am glad that I am free from school right now. I don't have to do things anymore. I have no deadlines. I hate being controlled though everyone keepster commanding me around like I am some kind of dog. I like to say things but it just kills me everytime when I don't and when I don't it just makes it worse.
I always thought I was the problem if my friends were having a fight again and I Started to think that everything would be better if I wasn't here on this planet. I kept bringing my friends down so I Started to do everything they said just to please them and it came to a point where I stopped with eating.
I only ate my breakfast and my dinner and I began to lose weight. My mom even noticed but I said I was fine.
So when the year was over I lost 5 kilos but I began to feel happy again and Started to enjoy life. I was completely happy again.
So when the schoolyear began again I was kinda nervous that it was going to be the same again. And surprisingly it didn't at the beginning. Tuesday were a bit stupid I guess but I didn't mind that much as in the first year. I just let things slip by for a minute.
But after in January I Started feeling different again and some of the fights brought tears to my friend's eyes. As always I thought about it as it was my fault and I don't remember much of that day but I only remember the fight that we had.
The day after the fight she wouldn't speak to us so I thought that it wasn't a great idea if I would. She on the other hand thought that we didn't mind at all and that we just ignored her. In the end we sorted things out and we didn't have many fights after that but my image of myself didn't change.
I Started wondering if I had done something different in my life that it would also be different now. That became my way of thinking and at a certain point it became so bad that I Started to think that I was the cause that my little brother is dead. I would stay in my room and do nothing except for listening to music.
I wasn't there anymore with my mind anymore. I Started to think of a better place. A place where I didn't live in real life. And whenever my friends would shout at me like "Welmoed!" Because I wasn't replying to something I was thinking of everything.
I honestly hate myself for not saying anything to my friends of how I really felt and how I just pretended to be happy. Every single one of my friends who are reading this are probably mad and betrayed right now because I didn't say anything and I don't blame them with that. I am a horrible human being.
"Words will be forgotten at some point but the scars on a body will stay forever"
I didn't cut myself through this time although I had the urge to do it sometimes. Instead of that I had long nails. Which I sometimes scratched myself with. But nowadays I cut my nails of so I don't have the urge to do that anymore.
Throughout everything that has happened to me a guy also likes me. And I don't like him back and I don't know what to do about it and it leaves me so frustrated.
Most of you will say that I am just a stupid person and that I shouldn't be acting like this and I totally agree with you. But If it weren't for my family I wouldn't be here today.