Crossroads

I was defeated.

I’d never had the most self-confidence, but I was definitely sure now that I was a complete failure. I was nothing less of embarrassed and exhausted from my date night with Harry. I was a married woman who could barely manage to keep my husband engaged long enough for a simple dinner.

I was failing at my marriage- completely, undoubtedly and ungracefully.

Maybe I was overexaggerating. Date nights gone wrong were certainly not the be-all-end-all of marriage but for me, it was another silent nail in the coffin, another casualty of what we used to be. It was nothing abnormal, but it still scared the hell out of me.

How much longer until the thread completely unravels, and we’re left with nothing?

I could only cope by doing what I knew best, picking up and moving along, but I found myself retreating into a shell of self-loathing. Harry seemed totally unaffected, resuming his busy work life without even batting an eye.

Everything was fine to him, anyway. I was the one who overthought and lived in a state of constant panic. I was the one who was always wondering when the walls would come tumbling down.

A torrential shower of rain assaulted me on my way to pilates class. I forced myself to get out of bed with just enough time to shovel a down some yogurt and still be on time. At virtually five months pregnant I was in a weird stage between low and fervent energy. Somedays I felt like I couldn’t lift a finger and on others, I could do any and everything.

“River! You’re back!” Hannah squeals as I kick off my wet sandals.

I can’t help but chuckle at Hannah’s greeting. She squeals as if she hasn’t seen me in months, even if my attendance is regular.

I plaster on a faux smile as I slowly roll out my mat.

“My work schedule’s pretty clear. It’ll probably pick back up with the holiday, approaching though,” I reply.

Her big brown eyes fall to my ever-protruding belly with a grin.

“So, update me on the little nugget,”

I take in a deep breath whilst securing my damp hair in a sloppy bun.

“Well, I felt them move for the first time on Friday and I’ve got my twenty-week appointment to find out the gender tomorrow,”

It was so surreal to know that I’d felt a human being moving inside me and was only a day away from figuring out who they would be.

“My gosh,” she squeals. “it’s the most beautiful little feeling, isn’t it? Bristol’s little flutters were so cute. But then she got her strength up and her kicks were brutal. The little thing kept me up some nights,”

I chew at the corner of my lip.

“For my sake, I hope they’re well behaved.”

I realize I’ve lost my mojo during the workout. I feel dizzy and sluggish, even with the pregnancy modifications but I press through. In the middle of Warrior, I pose, I feel an intense need to rush home and scrub every inch of the house. I pack my things in a rush when Hannah catches me.

“Do you want to grab lunch?” she asks with wide brown-eyes as she stretches on the balls of her feet.

I brush a gym towel across my forehead and slip my yoga mat over my shoulder with a deep sigh.

“I’d love to, Hannah but I can suddenly think of a million things I need to get done at home. It’s nothing personal,” I add.

“No worries,” she grins.

Her eyes suddenly go wide and my brows furrow.

“Before I forget, we’re having a 4th of July party on Thursday. You should come! Frida, Jess, and Brooke will be there with here husbands and you could bring yours. They’ll be hot dogs and fireworks. It’ll be a lot of fun.

I almost cringe at the idea of another public outing with Harry, my mind flashing back to the
horrific date night. I usually did 4th of July with Mom on the beach with Harry in tow. It was one of the rare days of the year that he was literally forced to not work, and he spent most of it getting tipsy and sunburnt. Being European, the holiday didn’t hold much value to him.

A little change of scenery wouldn’t hurt. I didn’t have very many friends outside of Ryan and with a baby coming soon it was best to get all the adult socialization I could get.

“I’d love to,” I grin. “it’ll be fun,”

I rushed home, debating on what to cook for dinner for a while before I settled on my tried-and-true roast chicken recipe. It was easy, could last for days and despite being rather run-of-the-mill, seemed to add an elegant touch to any meal.

Many people assumed that because I was a trained chef I cooked fresh, gourmet meals every night. When Harry and I first moved in together I’d made a habit of it, but the busier he got and the less he was around for dinner, the more I learned to preserve my talents and energy. Often, I cooked in bulk and stowed away items of necessity. Even chefs-especially those with babies growing between their hips- needed a break sometimes.

I spent the next few hours organizing the pantry, varnishing the hardwood floors and shredding junk mail that had piled up in the letterbox and managed to get in a thirty-minute nap before it was time to take the chicken out of the oven. I must have lost track of time and didn’t realize how much of the afternoon had passed until I heard the garage door open whilst I was carving the chicken.

I reach up to brush a few flyaways away from my face before the kitchen door opens.

“Something smells wonderful,”

A familiar cologne invades my senses and a pair of hands rest against my belly.

“Didn’t your mother teach you not to touch women handling knives?” I quip with a smirk.

Harry chuckles.

“My mum never made anything that wasn’t a cocktail,” he presses a kiss to my temple and his large hands slip under my shirt. “I was a bag of bones till I met you.”

I slice into a thigh as my eyes drift toward the kitchen clock. It was just a little after five-thirty. Harry usually came home on an office day by at least an hour later.

“You’re home early today. And very handsy,” I speak.

He sighs.

“It’s been a long day, darling. I couldn’t wait to be home with you and the gumdrop,”

I set down the cutlery as he spins me around to face him and his hands attach themselves to my bump once more.

“You’re irresistible like this, with your belly round and of full of my seed. It’s such a turn on. I can’t stop touching you.” Harry continues.

I bite down on my bottom lip, a coital warmth rushing up my spine. The sexual tension between us was unreal lately. Our schedules had conflicted too much and there was hardly any time for sexual release. With all his touching and teasing I was surprised I’d maintained this much restraint. Harry and I had always been a passionate couple. While things weren’t so great between us in a marital sense, it was easily forgotten in between the sheets.

“Eat your dinner and you can touch me anywhere you like,”

I grin, pressing a kiss to his mouth and wiggling out of his embrace to prepare our plates but not before Harry gives my backside an appreciative squeeze.

“Yes ma’am,”

As I fill the plates with chicken and vegetables I get an idea.

“Let’s eat in the living room and watch some tv,” I speak.

I didn’t want to have to relive our date night over again and I figured a casual dinner in front of the television would solve that. With the distraction of some sort of media, neither of us would feel pressured to talk. I was just as exhausted with bringing attention to the issue as Harry probably was with my nagging. I just wanted to have a peaceful night and it was easier that way.

We parked on the sofa and settled on watching reruns of Law and Order. There was a simple sweetness about it. It felt like the beginning of our relationship all over again, when Harry and I first started dating. We’d rent movies and kick our roommates out of our respective apartments and cuddle up in the dark, eyes glued to the screen. There was nothing awkward about it, it was a comfortable silence.
But even comfortable silence gets old.

A total of two episodes passed before Harry got handsy again and it was not easy to focus on solving crime with his lips on my neck and his hands up my shirt. Before things could get too hot and heavy, I asked him to load the dishwasher with the promise of slipping into something sexier.

As much as I wanted him, I also wanted a clean kitchen.

I brushed my teeth, let my hair down and stepped into a sheer maternity nightgown that left little to the imagination all while covering my bump. To my surprise I find Harry sitting on the edge of the bed once I emerge from the bathroom, clad only in a pair of boxer briefs and a dangerously unbuttoned shirt.

I have to take in a deep breath.

“Fuck,” he drawls appreciatively.

I grin, going to straddle him.

“Close your mouth, honey,” I settle on his lap. “you’ll catch flies.”

Harry grabs hold of my hips, gently tugging me closer to press an ardent kiss to my mouth. I completely melt against him, savoring each gentle kiss. My fingers move to conquer his remaining buttons, sliding the fabric down his taunt and toned arms. His grip on my waist tightens and I’m positive there will be bruises from his fingertips to commemorate what we are about to do.

A soft moan leaves my mouth as his large hands slip up my nightgown. My fingers reach for his hair, weaving in his curls, and I surprise myself by rolling my hip against him.

“Eager are we, love?”

Harry flashes a dimpled grin before redirecting his attention to my neck, sponging tender kisses against my skin. They are gentle and playful, like the stroke of a feather but he soon surprises me with a short yet sudden suck of flesh. A jolt of electricity shoots through my veins and I want him so badly.

“Harry,” I hiss. “god.”

The tips of his fingers brush against the hem my nightgown. Expertly, almost nonchalantly, he pulls the sheer fabric up over my head and tosses it aside.

“Fuck, River,” Harry pushes my hair over my shoulder to get a better view of my full breast and swollen belly. “you’re so beautiful like this. I’m never letting you not be pregnant again.”
I giggle, leaning in to capture his lips.

“I don’t think you know what you’re saying. We’re only halfway through this. I’ll be a whale by the third trimester. You’ll regret it.” I reply.

“No, no,” he nips at my clavicle causing my eyes to flutter in bliss. “you have no idea how incredible you look.”

I can feel him prodding beneath me which only makes me grow impatient.

“I want to feel you tonight,” I pause to press a kiss to his jaw. “really feel you.”

His eyebrows furrow as brushes a thumb against my taunt and sensitive nipple, causing me to gasp in pleasure.

“What’dya want, babe?”

“I’ve been reading up on the different positions we can try,” I admit bashfully, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I was hoping we could lie down this time – side by side.”

As amazing as being on top of him felt, there are moments when a woman just wants to be held and properly made love to. I longed for the passion and tenderness that seemed to be missing lately.

“Alright, darling,” Harry hums.

I steal another kiss before easing off his lap, crawling to the head of the bed and lying on my side. Harry wiggles out of his shorts, greeting me with a strong erection as he turns on his side. He scoops his fingers under the band of my panties and peels them away, gently parting my legs. A soft moan escapes me once I feel his tip brush against my throbbing core.

“H-Harry. Shit.”

The corner of his pink lips turn up into a dimpled grin and he pulls me closer before hoisting a leg on his shoulder. He then drapes his leg across my waist. I can only imagine how strange we probably look in this contorting position but none of that matters now.

“Ready for me?”

I slowly nod, unable to find my words in the heat of passion. I simply stare into his jade eyes as he inches into me, gripping onto his shoulder for support. I gasp once his hips finally meet mine. Harry’s eyes are squeezed tight and he lets out a low moan at the feeling of me contracting against him.

“You feel so good, River. That feel good to you?” he speaks again.

If being anymore turned on was possible, I was practically bursting at how gentle he was being with me.

“Ahh- yes,” I pant. “it feels incredible. “

He takes my words as clearance to move and I bite down on his shoulder to muffle my moans. Harry’s strokes are slow, deep and teasing and he angles his hips in such a way that he hits all the right spots. I hold onto him as if he might break and as cliché as it sounds, it feels as if the whole world has melted away and there is nothing left but us. Just our bodies moving in our own sacred rhythm.

I feel close but I don’t want to let go just yet. I want to relish in this moment forever. I’m in such a daze that I could almost have ignored the blaring vibrations of Harry’s cell against the nightstand.

Harry groans, pausing mid thrust and my grip on him tightens.

“Ignore it,” I whine. “keeping going. Don’t stop.”

“Babe, it could- “

I silence him with a kiss, not wanting to entertain any of protest. I move against his length, hoping to recapture the mood but his mobile keep ringing and he holds me steady so that I can’t move.

“Riv, I think I need to take this call.” he sighs.

I let out a deep groan as he slowly inches out of me and turns on his side to retrieve his phone.

“You’re kidding, right?!? They can’t!” Harry barks into the receiver as he pulls on his boxers before padding out of the room.

I just lie there, a star-crossed feeling of anger, melancholy and disbelief brewing in my chest. Even in the most intimate moments, it’s really just that easy for him to forget about me.
A few minutes pass I slowly get out of bed, deciding to go to the bathroom to wash up. As I braid my hair I feel the baby move again, reminding me to use the belly butter I’d brought.
After I’ve gone to the linen closet to get clean sheets, Harry has returned. He rummages through his closet, frantically pulling out freshly starched Thomas Pink shirts. My heart sinks once I notice his suitcase sitting on the bed.

“What are you doing?” I question, hugging the folded sheets to my chest although I already know the answer.

He turns to me with a deep sigh, his hair a mess from our interrupted romp.

“Darling, I have to go,” he drawls.

My eyebrows furrow in confusion and I chew the corner of my lip.

“Harry, you can’t. My twenty-week appointment is tomorrow. We’re finding out the gender of our child.”

Harry lets out another deep sigh.

“I know that, Riv. But this is important. Bergen wants to merge with another firm. If we do, we might lose control of everything.”

He reaches in his closet for another shirt and I just snap.

“Do you hear yourself? How fucking selfish can you be? As if getting to know who our baby will be isn’t important?” I seethe.

Harry pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“And it begins. There you go with your bitchin’ and whining. As always- “

“Bitching and whining? Forgive me for bitching because I think you prioritize your job over everything! We’re going to be parents soon and you realize you won’t be able to just jet off every time something goes wrong at your precious job?! I wish you’d just quit already,”

All the frustration and anger I’d been bottling up inside came spewing out like ruthless lava from an active volcano. This was for sure the icing on top of the cake.

“Well I can’t,” he growls. “the world doesn’t revolve around you, River Dawn, and your cooking doesn’t pay the bills. I work so that we can have everything we own. If it weren’t for me you’d have nothing. I’ve spoiled you. You should be thanking me but all you ever do is complain,”

I swallow the lump in my throat, tearing my eyes away from his penetrating and accusatory gaze. His words sting as if he’s slapped me in the face and part of me feels as if it’d hurt less if he actually had.

“Fuck you!”

The words roll off my tongue with a bitter, painful taste and I try my hardest to fight back the tears that sting my eyes. Harry seems unmoved by my vulgarity and resumes packing as if all this is nothing. As if I’m nothing.

“I don’t need you to do anything for me,” I continue. “I don’t need you at all. You’re hardly ever around anyways, it’s like you don’t exist. I’m perfectly capable of living without you.”

I say the words with bravado, but I’m not entirely convinced. Part of it was true. I didn’t need Harry and I was capable of living without him, but I didn’t want to. He was my first and only love. I’d invested my whole entire being into our relationship. There was far too much to lose.

“You don’t mean any of that, darling,” Harry retorts, a small smirk forming on his lips as he saunters over to me. "you’re just angry. Perhaps a bit hormonal,”

His arms wrap around my waist, the palms of my hands lie flat against my bump and I stiffen at his touch. I don’t know whether to feel annoyed or relieved that he’s calling my bluff.

“If I took you back to bed you’d feel better, yeah?”

I shudder at the feeling of his lips pressed against my neck, mere seconds away from giving in but I know if I do I’ll only feel worse. He was gorgeous and charming but equally as conniving and dangerous. I’d fallen for his one trick pony one too many times.

“No, Harry,”

The anger returns as I tear out of his grasp, spinning on my heel to face him.

“you don’t get to seduce and manipulate and- and sex your way out of saying shitty things. If you’re sorry you’ll give me a proper apology,”

He reaches out, giving my shoulders a gentle squeeze.

“Babe- “

“No!” I interrupt again. “I’m exhausted, Harry. I just- I just don’t want to see you right now. If you want to run behind your job, then fine but I’m tired of running behind you.”

The eerie calmness of my words nearly scares me. I’ve lost the fire and feel like giving up the fight. At this moment, it’s suddenly crystal clear what I must do to protect my sanity.

I don’t feel like spending the night in the house that Harry worked and paid for with his superior money, but I don’t know of a place I can go that won’t raise any red flags.

Mom still kept my childhood bedroom vacant at the B&B but there was no going there, checking into a hotel for the night seemed far too dramatic for such a common fight and Ryan’s apartment was at least thirty minutes away and a complete last-ditch option.

Instead, I left Harry to finish his packing, grabbed my laptop and trudged down to the kitchen. It was the one space in the house that truly felt like mine.

I updated the offerings on my website and downed a whole jar of garlic stuffed olives that I later ended up regretting once the heartburn kicked in. I stayed there until my back ached and my eyes grew heavy and I had no other choice but to go to bed.

Harry left in the early hours of the morning and I didn’t see him off. I’d hardly slept a wink that night and just didn’t have the energy. I doubt he actually cared and knowing that hurt more than anything else.

My mom called a while later, forcing me to get out of my gloom and get ready for my appointment. I felt anxious as I dressed, partly because of Harry’s willful absence but mostly because this appointment marked a major milestone. I really going to find out who this baby was. It was an actual human, a tiny human that I’d already felt move. Finding out the gender felt like I was one step closer to meeting them.

I stared at a pamphlet about breastfeeding, nervously chewing at my lip as I sat on the exam table waiting for the doctor to arrive. The room feels like an icebox despite the humid weather outside and the various posters about childbirth, swaddling and SIDS plastered on the wall don’t do much to help my anxious mood.

I couldn’t help but feel this way at every appointment. I always feared something might be wrong with the baby and it would be my ignorance that caused it. I would never be able to forgive myself.

“Helloo! Happy half-way mark!”

Dr. Fairchild enters the room with her famous tight-lipped smile. Her hair is up in a high-ponytail that seems uncharacteristic for her demure personality and a soft pink blouse peaks out from her lab coat. She clutches her usual clipboard under her arm.

I return the smile, a hand subconsciously resting against my bump.

“You look radiant! And you’ve grown a lot,” she continues, stopping at the sink to wash her hands.

I chuckle, amused at her use of the word radiant. I was positive I was sporting designer bags under my eyes after spending much of the night before crying.

“I have. It doesn’t stop.”

Dr. Fairchild smiles as she plops down in front of her laptop, scrolling mindlessly at my files.
“No Dad today?”

My stomach sinks at the mention of Harry and the fresh anger from last night returns.

“No. He had a business engagement,” I reply, hoping not to sound too bitter.

“I see. Will you be finding out the gender of the little tadpole today?”

I chew at the corner of my lip in thought. Part of me would feel really guilty about getting to find out what we’re having without him, but the other part cannot gather the empathy. We’d both agreed we wanted to know but Harry had willingly decided to rush off to his job, completely aware of how momentous this occasion was. Why should I continue to wait around for him to act like he cares?

A simple phone call should suffice.

“Yes. I’d like to.”

“So many young parents love the element of surprise and waiting until the baby is born. It’s refreshing to see couples that want to find out, “she smiles. “it’s hard for me to keep my mouth shut for all those months. Let’s talk a bit about how you’re feeling before the ultrasound.”

“I feel okay. Pretty dizzy and tired -lots of heartburn too- but nothing out of the ordinary.”
Dr. Fairchild adjusts the ultrasound machine before snapping on a pair of rubber gloves.

“Have you felt any movement?” she asks.

I nod slowly.

“They moved for the first time about a week ago and maybe a few more times a few days later. Is it normal?”

“Yep. Give them about another week or two and you should feel regular movement although all babies are different. Some are movers and shakers while others are relaxed,”

She flashes her tight-lipped smile again before turning on the machine.

“Ready to see what you’re having?”

My breath hitches in my throat at her question and the feeling of nervousness returns. I nod slowly before sliding my feet in the foot supports and reclining against the table. She rubs the freezing gel against my stomach and I think about Harry. I can’t help but think about what he’s doing and why he was anywhere else besides right here next to me.

I can feel the tears stinging my eyes and I swallow the lump in my throat as Dr. Fairchild gently presses the wand against my belly.
“Looks like we’ve got a little mister,” she grins.

I blink back the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. The sound of the tiny, steady
heartbeat is nearly deafening.

“Mister? As in a boy?”

“Yep,” she nods, moving the machine closer so that I can see. “you probably won’t be able to see his genitals very well but look how much he’s grown! His legs are so long.”

I stare at the grainy image. I am able to make out the tiny arms and legs curled up in my womb and the head that’s not as glaringly large as before. Compared to the previous ultrasound, the baby looks much more like a baby.

“A boy,” I whisper.

Dr. Fairchild chuckles.

“I’ll leave you to marvel at your beautiful baby boy while I go make some copies of today’s ultrasound, okay?”

I don’t respond, still fixated on the little bean on the screen. Hannah was right, I was having a boy.

I brush away a fallen tear with my thumb. I’d said before that I didn’t care what the baby would be but something finding out I’ve been carrying a baby boy makes me immensely sad. I’m not sure if it’s the emotional intensity of it all or my raging hormones but I can barely contain my tears.

I wipe the blue gunk off my bump with a scratchy paper towel, pull down my top and hoist myself back onto the exam table. My hands fasten to my belly. There was a baby boy inside.
Dr. Fairchild soon returns with a handful of prints. She glances at her clipboard with a smile.

“He’s healthy,” she declares.

For so long I’d called the baby “they”. It was going to take me a while to get used to the male pronouns.

“I’m happy,” I reply although I find myself second-guessing the words the moment they leave my mouth.

“Well. If you don’t have any more concerns I’d like to see you back in three weeks time. The bun in that oven’s halfway baked so we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other in the next few months,”

I chew at the corner of my lip, the feeling of the anger and sadness from the night before brewing in my chest. The thought had come to me immediately following my falling out with Harry and I figured I might as well shelve it until our next big argument, but I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.

“There is something,” I speak sheepishly. “but I’m not sure if you could help.”

My hands feel as cold and clammy as they did the first time I sat in this room and I almost feel embarrassed.

Her face settles into a soft, concerned stare as she tucks the clipboard under her arm.

“We do try everything we can to help, River. What’s going on?”

I stare down at the tiled floor, unable to meet her gaze.

“I think- I think I need to see someone. Like a therapist,”

“I see,” Dr. Fairchild hums. “it’s not abnormal to have feelings of depression during pregnancy,”

But she didn’t understand. These weren’t feelings that were triggered by prenatal hormones. These we feeling I’d bottled up long before the little bean was ever planted in my womb
“we don’t have any services here at the clinic, but I can refer you to a therapist,” she continues.

It feels as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest. I brought up the idea of couple’s therapy to Harry a while back which didn’t end well. Just because he refused to participate didn’t mean I couldn’t go for myself. I was tired of suppressing all of emotions and Harry acting like nothing was wrong.

It was time to face my problems head-on- with or without him.
****
I left the clinic in a daze with an intense craving for ice cream and a strong desire to be alone. I needed some time to absorb today’s news before I was bombarded with congratulations and excitement from anyone else.

I found a small ice cream parlor in the city limits that I’d never been to and ordered a bowl of vanilla with all the fruit I could pile on top. There was a quiet peace about sitting in front of the shiny glass window and curiously attempting to insert myself in their lives.

But the little baby boy inside me stirs, quickly reminding me of my reality.

I was having a son. A baby boy.

A baby boy who would probably make pillow forts and fight imaginary pirates in the living room and splash in mud puddles outside after I’d told him not to and sneak toads and lizards in his pocket to bring to me as presents.

I was having a baby boy. A baby boy I was sure I’d love just as fiercely as I loved his father-maybe more- and had all the odds of becoming just like him.

I think that’s what scared me the most.

I found myself in another deep trance in the parking lot of Whole Foods. I needed to go inside to pick up a few groceries but had been sitting in my car for a good thirty minutes. A light shower of rain pelted against the windshield when I felt my phone vibrating in my lap.
“Hello?”

I picked up the receiver, not even bothering to check the caller i.d.

“Hey, babe,” that familiar deep voice draws, causing a deep pang of anger to rise in my chest.

I grip the mobile tightly in my hand.

“Hello, Harry,” I reply plainly.

“I got off the plane a few hours ago and wanted to check on you. Figured you’d be done with your appointment, yeah?”

His voice sounds huskier than usual like it does the first thing in the morning. I’d left the OBGYN hours ago and he’d been sleeping.

“I am,”

There’s a pause and I wonder if he can tell that I’m not his biggest fan right now.

“Did you find out about the baby?”

I draw in a deep breath.

“It’s a boy. We’re having a son,” I reply hoping to sound happier than I feel.

He’s silent for a while and I can practically see him grinning on the other end.

“A boy,” he chuckles. “we’re going to a boy. I’m so happy, darling. “

Happy. It’s the first time I’ve heard him use that word in so long.

I swallow the lump in my throat.

“I’m happy that you’re happy. I bet you secretly wanted a boy,”

“I should be home in a few short days, babe. I really wanted to be there today,”

I want to laugh at how sincere he thinks he sounds but instead, I feel the tears spill from my eyes.

I let out a deep, breathy sigh.

“Harry – don’t.” I hiss, pressing a palm to my belly.

How dare he act as if he’d stopped to blink before leaving. As If he hadn’t said all those nasty things to me the night before.

“I have a conference in a few hours and I’d like to get some sleep, Riv,” he speaks, reciprocating my sharp tone. “take care of yourself and our little lad, yeah?”

I nod as if he can see me, wiping away my tears.

“I will,”

Harry ‘s deep, groggy sigh echoes on the other end.

“I love you,”

He says the words slowly, painstakingly, nearly rehearsed. Like it’s not something he wakes up every morning waiting to say.

I know I should’ve said it back, but I haven’t gotten the energy.

I haven’t gotten the energy for him- for us.

But there’s a baby boy who needs us both.

Notes

Hiyyyya!

I'm back! It feels like forever since I've updated even though it's only been about two months too long. I've finally given you all the chapter that you were waiting for, Baby Styles' gender reveal! Along with a lot of marital angst for River and Harry! Yay! Good times!

So, just a few points to ponder: Do you think River has reached her breaking point? Is she completely ready to throw in the towel? Is she seriously contemplating divorce or is she just down and out due to hormonal changes? A combo of both? What about the way Harry talks to River when he's upset? Do you think he feels superior because he's the breadwinner in the home?

And now to her appointment and Baby Styles' gender reveal: It's a boy! Did you predict the gender correctly? Why do you think River seems a bit hesitant to have a boy? Do you think River made the best decision to get therapy for herself?

Sorry for all the questions, I just love to hear what you think!

In case you haven't noticed this story is sporting TWO new badges! Crossroads won in the Cowlley's for best fanfiction of 2018 and best Harry Styles fanfiction!! Thank you so much to everyone who voted! You're all amazing!! And just thank you all so much for your general support of this story! It's been amazing discussing it with you all and hearing your different opinions and ideas! Next month will mark a whole year since we first met River and Harry! Can't believe how fast time flies!

Well, until next time! Thank you so much for reading and feel free to leave a little review!

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