Crossroads

"There must be a mistake,"

My hands felt cold and clammy against one another, lungs tight and desperate for air in the small room. I couldn't bring myself to move a muscle, all I could do was stare at the woman in front of me with disbelief.

"Test like these are almost always accurate," the blonde woman answers plainly, staring down at the clipboard once more. "it's quite hard to make mistakes with blood testing,"

There just had to be a mistake.

"Do you need to think about some sort of arrangements? A plan b perhaps? We can recommend a counselor if there's an issue here,"

I swallow the huge lump in the back on my throat, shaking my head as fast as I could. I know what she's suggesting and as tempting as it sounds in my state of hopelessness, I could never bring myself to do such a thing.

"No. No. That's not at all what I'm thinking at the moment," I bite the corner of my lip to keep my voice from trembling.

"it's just- things are complicated,"

"I see," the Dr. nods slowly and I'm thankful she doesn't try to pry any further.

"I want you to give me a call if you change your mind. If not I'd like to see you back in four weeks time,"

I shift on the exam table as the reality of it all seems to settle in like a pound of bricks resting on my chest. I don't know what I should say or how I should feel so I just do what I always do, plaster on a smile and carry on like nothing ever bothers me.

"Sure, I'll do that,"

The answers seems to satisfy her and she smiles.

"Any further questions?"

Yeah:

Why me?

Why now?

I shake my head slowly, easing my way off the examination table and wanting to be out of this place as sooner than later.

"Well, congratulations," she speaks with canned enthusiasm, knowing the line to say that I'm certain she's rehearsed a million times.

I'm not the first and I'm certainly not the last but I wonder if I'm the only woman who's walked out of her clinic feeling like the weight of the world's been put on my shoulders.
*****
The ride home was as dreary and as gloomy as I felt. The thick, grey clouds and fat raindrops that would usually put a damper on my mood had no effect on me. I hadn't even noticed them. My mind was much too preoccupied.

Just a mere few hours before my life had been completely normal and suddenly life as I knew it had completely changed.

I was born to a young, pseudo-hippie of a mother who always threw caution to the wind. The first few years of my life were spent in the back of a station wagon watching my mother earn odd jobs and make strange friends, abruptly packing up when things got too tough or she got too attached. I was the exact opposite, constantly craving stability and commitment, tip-toeing around decisions and weighing my options. I was always so cautious yet here I am feeling like the biggest fuck-up ever.

Part of me felt ridiculous, selfish, almost. I was in a much better position that my mother had been many years ago but on second thought, maybe she was luckier than I. There was no one to face, no one's approval to seek.

There was a massive knot in my stomach when I finally pulled into the driveway. I stared at the perfectly manicured lawn I once was obsessed with the feeling of regret and disgust. The gorgeous home I'd once envisioned would house happiness for years to come had so far housed three years of distance and resentment.

I was greeted with the usual chill as I entered the foyer. I vaguely remembered the creme-colored carpet that lined the floors before we'd settled in but he'd suggested that hardwood was much more modern and easier to maintain.

I wish I didn't listen to him so much.

I quickly stooped down to retrieve today's mail. Not having the energy to look at any bank statements I tucked it away in the letterbox, along with yesterday's mail before shrugging out of my cardigan, a strong vibration in my pocket startled me. I groaned. I was in no mood to talk to anyone but I swallowed my irritation and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Audley,"

That deep voice that usually always put me in a good mood did nothing to turn my perpetual frown into a smile.

"Ry," I chide, trying hard to make my voice as chipper as possible "how many times do I have to tell you? I'm a Styles now."

I can practically see him rolling his bright blue eyes on the other line.

"One too many. I know you as an Audley. You'll always be an Audley to me,"

"Sure, sure. What'dya want?" I chewed nervously as my bottom lip as I kicked off my shoes.

"I've got an hour lunch break. What do you feel like eating?"

I sighed. I couldn't see Ryan's face right now. He'd know something was wrong.

"I can't, I've got a huge order to fill," I lied. "I'll be cooking all afternoon,"

I didn't have the heart to tell him I couldn't stomach anything and I didn't want to be bothered.

"Strange," he mumbles. "you're never one to turn down food. I can't believe you're turning me down,"

"Ry," I scold. "If I could I would but I just can't squeeze you in today,"

"No hard feelings, won't be the first time you can't squeeze me in your life. Catch up with you tonight?"

A simple memo on the refrigerator scribbled in his handwriting suddenly triggers my memory.

"Nope, can't do it. Harry's coming home tonight,"

"Oh," The words come out dry and stiff, almost bitter " of course. Well, that settles that then."

There's silence on the other end and I know I've succeeded in putting him in a mood.

"I promise I'll make it up to, Ry. I'll bake you creme brûlée and I'll watch those trashy soaps you love so much with you. Please don't be mad."

He chuckles.

"I could never be mad at you, Angel."

My cheeks burn pink at the term of endearment although I've heard it a million times before.

"I'm pretty busy," I speak. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Sure thing," he pauses. "don't forget about me, okay?"

The smallest smile manages to creep on my face.

"You're my best friend. I could never forget you,"

I instantly regret turning down the lunch date once we've said our goodbyes and the house feels too empty and too large. The feeling doesn't last long though when I realize just what I've just told Ryan. My husband is coming home on the day I've received the most life changing news yet.

Just my luck.

Looks like I'll be cooking after all . Tonight was going to call for a damn good toad-in-the-hole pie and a miracle.

Sadly I didn't have a recipe for the latter.
*****
The table is set and the house reeks of sausage, a smell I never realized bothered me until now. I had at least five candles burning to mask the smell that hopefully wouldn't look too suspicious or start a fire. I stared at my reflection in the mirror a final time, the little black dress that was one of his favorites already looked and felt too snug. In a month or two I wouldn't even be able to slip into anymore. I hadn't felt like bothering with my hair so I combed it back into a low, chic bun, the red lip I'd picked made me look more alive than I felt at the moment.

I looked great. If only I felt that way too.

A new wave of nausea that was totally unrelated to the sausage hit me when I noticed the sound of the garage door opening. I nervously pulled at my dress, not exactly knowing how to look normal at the moment.

Maybe not tonight. He's just gotten home. Give him time to settle in,

But you know he'll get distracted. Just tell the truth. Tell the truth and get it over with. Tell the truth and prepare yourself for the blow.

"River? You home?"

The slow, deep voice snaps me out of my state of panic.

"Riv?"

I quickly make my way out of the dinning room only to spot him in the foyer shifting through the mail.

"Harry, welcome home," I greet, forcing myself to sound chipper as possible.

He turns to face me, a dimpled grin settling on his face. His hair looks a bit longer, falling over his tired green eyes and a noticeable amount of stubble has settled on his chin. Sometimes he looks just like the charming boy I'd fallen for all those years ago, just older. And then other times I can hardly recognize the man he's become.

"Thank you, darling', "

I stride over to him, pressing a kiss to him mouth. He pulls away to get a look at me.

"You look amazing," he drawls, his large hands fastening to my waist. "what's all this?"

"I've really missed you while you've been away," I speak going to move the hair out of his eyes.

Part of that statement was true. I missed his presence or the way things used to be, rather, but another part of me has grown callused and unbothered by his absence, favoring Ryan's company more.

"I'm glad to to be home," he hums. "feelin' a bit jet lagged , though."

An 'I missed you too' would be nice.

" Well, I've cooked dinner," I start again, hoping to move the conversation along. "it's your favorite,"

He pulls me closer, green eyes lighting up.

"Toad-in-the-hole?"

I nod with a grin.

"You know me so well, "

"C'mon let's eat. I don't want anything to get cold,"

I take hold of his hand leading him into the dinning room.

"Wow, looks great. Thank you, darling," he speaks upon taking his seat.

I plaster on a smile before retrieving the bottle of white wine I'd been saving out of the chiller. I wouldn't be able to enjoy for a while so someone else might as well. Maybe if I get him drunk enough this will go over a lot easier.

"You're very welcome," I reply, nearly filling the glass to the rim.

I tug at my dress again, hoping I don't bust a seam as I take a seat next to him.

"How was the flight?" I asks whilst spreading my napkin over my lap.

Harry reaches for his fork, glancing at me briefly.

"Long. " he reaches for his glass before pausing briefly. "Jesus, Riv, that's half the whole bottle. You're not drinkin' tonight?"

I chew at the corner of my lip hoping to find some sort of excuse.

"I'm on a new cleanse," I blurt almost immediately. "no alcohol."

I shove a piece of sausage from the pie in my mouth to prevent having to speak any more and silently praying that I'll keep it down.

His piercing green eyes meet mine and in the dim room I can't quite pick up their expression.

"So, what have you been up to while I've been gone?" he sips from his glass anticipating my answer.

I chew the sausage with slow, careful disgust, swallowing painfully.

"The usual, cooking, going to pilaties, driving up to the beach to help Mom with the B&B and catching up with Ryan."

Oh and growing a human in my womb.

I expect him to reply or at least remark that I should try and pick up a new hobby but he simply goes back to eating. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, that being apart makes you want to be closer than ever once you're reunited but whenever Harry's gone for so long and comes back it just feels like we're even further apart.

"So tell me about your trip? How's business?" I ask, quickly redirecting the attention off of me.

"Great, as usual,"

I stab a piece of pie crust with my fork and intense anger brewing in my chest. I'm so tired of these one sided conversations. I wanted us to talk we used to, laugh like we used to. I just want us to be who we used to be.

"I didn't slave over this meal to sit in silence with you, Harry. I want to talk, so talk to me,"

His jaw clenches, pink lips pursing in annoyance.

" I'm not really even in the mood to talk. I just got off a twelve hour flight for Christsakes, River. Besides, you know we never talk business."

His tone is stern and dark and argumentative and does nothing to help the rage I feel inside.

"Obviously I know that but is it really that hard to have a conversation with your wife? You're gone most of the time. I hardly see you. Surely there must be something to talk about,"

Every time I try to mend whatever patch there is between us he always goes and rips the seams.

Harry runs a large hand over his face, a deep sigh escaping him.

"I'm not in the mood, River Dawn. Let's just finish our dinner peacefully, yeah?"

I watch him reach for his wine glass with rage. I don't know why such a small thing annoys me but I feel spiteful and ready to have the last word.

"Fine," I speak, poking at another slice of sausage with me fork. "since you won't talk then I will. I tried to go about this decently but I'm just ready to get it fucking over with. " I seethe.

"Oh?"

He raises his brows seemingly unenthused which only makes my anger grow.

"I went to the doctor today," I take another deep breath, the bravado I'd had just a mere few seconds ago quickly diminishing. " I'm- I'm pregnant, Harry,"

The words linger in the air like a dark cloud, the silence and tension between the both of us too thick for even a double edged sword to slice through. Part of me is relieved to have gotten this over with but another part of me wishes I'd gone about it differently.

"Fuckin' hell," he finally breathes. He runs a hand through his hair, abruptly standing up from the table.

I just stare at him waiting for a final reaction.

"I shoulda known," he growls. "that little black dress, this goddamn dinner. Should've known this was just some sneaky way to ease me into all of this."

Harry storms out of the dinning room causing my anger to quickly return.

"That's all you have to say about this?!" I ask incredulously.

He spins around to face me.

"Well, I can't say that I'm too happy about it,"

Somehow I'd expected a different reaction, some sort of compensation for the excitement I didn't feel. In that moment it feels as if all the energy has been drained from my body. I suddenly feel incredibly foolish. Everything was stupid. The dinner, the dress. Everything.

"But, I thought, I thought this is what you wanted! "

Somewhere along the early outlines of our future children had been mentioned but things were different now. We were different.

He laughs, sharp and harsh, a dimpled smirk adorning his lips.

"I sure hope you didn't plan this. Did you think this would make me stay? Suddenly fix everything? That's stupid."

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

His words feel like glass shards tearing away at my heart and the hot tears I'd been holding back finally spilled from my eyes. They seem to have not the slightest affect and he turns on his heel to head up the staircase.

"How dare you! How dare you accuse me of something like that! I'm your wife!" I scream.

I didn't care if the neighbors could hear.

Harry turns to face me once more, sighing deeply.

"You're desperate, River. Admit it. We're desperate. You have every reason to try and trap me," The words come out cold and emotionless.

It suddenly hits me just exactly why I was so down and out about this entire ordeal. I knew he'd react this way. I hadn't imagined it exactly like this but I was more than certain it'd be negative. I feel weak and the only thing left to do sit on the bottom stairs in defeat. From the top of the staircase his gaze is cold and resentful and I never recall feeling so small.

"I'm goin' to bed. We'll talk more when I can sort out my feelings,"

Just like that he is gone, disinterested and detached from it all. It was so easy for him to just walk away and I think that's what hurt the most.

I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was beyond the point of sadness or anger. I was just numb.

But there was one thing that I was certain of- if anyone was trapped, it was me.

Notes

Oh my god she's back again!

(I'm truly getting old if you guys didn't just get my reference)

To all of my faithful readers, long time no see and if you're new, hiya! I'm CrumpetsAndTea!

Welcome to the first installment of my brand spanking new fic "Crossroads"! It's been a long, long time since I've written a works in progress and I've been really inactive in fic writing for months but I am back and ready to pick it all back up!

If you haven't noticed by now, "Crossroads" is going to be very, very different from my usual fics. I'm the queen of romcom fics but prior to writing for the 1D fandom I was a hurt and comfort kind of girl. I decided to return to my roots and broaden my horizons while also attempting to commit to a works in progress fic. I'm just gonna be honest, there's gonna be some pretty sad shit, but also a bit of sweetness sprinkled about so be prepared to grab some tissues.

I am bringing you all this very early. If you follow my tumblr you will know I posted a teaser a few weeks back. I'm still in uni, this time away from home and I haven't got a lot of time(or any really) to spare on writing fics and for months it had been really hard for me to get into this but I found extra time and got super excited for this a vola! I will be super busy this month with finals and writing papers so I decided to give you all and early premiere and also have you all let me know if you like this or hate it or I need to improve anything.

(Also, feel free to give me some song recs for a playlist!)

You all know I love reader feedback so here's some questions: What do you think about River's character? Is she as put together as she claims to be? Do you think she's weak? What do you think about Ryan and their friendship? And finally, our boy Harry? Why is he so distant and so Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde-ish? Does he have something to hide? Why do you think he and River's marriage is so dysfunctional? I'd love you hear what you think!

Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to drop me a review!

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