'Strong' A Niall Horan Fan Fiction
*Very Important A/N*
Words can't even describe how truly sorry I am for not updating in 6 months O.o I know I've been constantly giving you amazing people short excuses like 'I've been having a hard time' and 'My mind is currently elsewhere' but I'm now ready to honestly tell you what is going on in my life and in my mind. If you want to skip this, I don't mind, but know that I'm truly sorry and I will update straight after I post this A/N or in an hour or so.
I'm just going to come straight out and say this. I've never willingly told my story to another person before so if it comes across as a jumbled mess, I'm apologizing now...
Ever since I was six, I would get made fun of because I was 'fat', I was never as pretty as other girls, I was weird, I talked too much, I talked too fast, I was too loud, I was too dumb; I always felt that no matter what I did I would never be good enough. As the years went on, people stopped picking on me but because of how worthless I felt, I started bullying myself.
Almost two years ago, I completely broke down. I had become so good at faking smiles and pretending that I was happy, that I ended up fooling myself. After I broke down and realised I wasn't okay, I was never the same. Long story short, everything hurt and all I wanted was for the pain to go away.
Around the time I first started writing this book, I also started cutting. I needed to be in control of something in my life and I needed something besides my heart to hurt. I knew I no longer wanted to live so I decided I'd give myself a year to get this book finished and to tie up lose ends. Most days were difficult to go through but I knew where I wanted this book to go and I was determined to leave something behind after me...
My name is Kayleigh and I am Kayleigh from this book. I was set on committing suicide at age 14 and I wrote Kayleigh as what my life would possibly have been like if my suicide had failed (And if werewolves and vampires existed). That is why Kayleigh has cuts on her arm, is really insecure and now has an eating disorder. Kayleigh is the-possible-future me.
At the end of October this year, I had to get an injection and when the doctor saw my scars, she told my parents and I was rushed into a child and adolescent mental health center for an emergency visit. I was a harm towards myself so I had to see this woman to talk about my problems. That's when things first started getting difficult. Talking about my problems, my thoughts, my family was very strange and very scary. I was told I had to see this woman once a week and that I wasn't allowed to self-harm or keep things to myself anymore. I wasn't allowed near any sharp or tempting objects or around any pills. When you have an addiction or something that makes you happy and that helps you through the day and you are told you are no longer allowed to use or do this certain thing, it feels like the world is breaking down around you. You have to feel all the emotions you don't want to feel. You have no choice but to continue living through the pain and trust me when I say, that is so hard. I started having more break downs and more suicidal thoughts because I always felt self-harm helped push back the urge to kill myself. These last couple months have been the hardest times I have ever had to go through...
Yesterday was the the 5th of July and it was also the day I had planned on killing myself...but I didn't. I managed to survive it. I've relapsed quite a few times in the last couple months but I am proud to say that today I am 9 weeks clean of ALL self-harm. I am breathing even though I don't want to.. I am living even though some days that is the last thing I want to do. I want you amazing people to know that you will have bad days but that is okay. You will go through days where it seems like there is no good left in the world, but you CAN and you WILL survive it. You will go through days where you feel like nobody in the world cares about you, but they do. I DO.
When I tell you that your comments on my story mean the world to me, they truly do. I read those comments again and again when I feel like all I do in life is fuck up. I read those comments when I feel like everybody on this earth hates me. So thank you all for reading my story, liking my story, commenting on my story because I honestly appreciate it more than any of you could ever possibly know.
I felt like I needed to tell you what was going on in my life so you might understand why I haven't updated in months. I suffer with depression and anxiety but I'm not going to let it define who I am. Yes, I will have shit days; Yes, I will have days where I feel like there is no point to live; Yes, I will have days where I feel like I will never be happy again; Yes, I have days where I worry about never being good enough BUT I am not alone. BUT tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. BUT I am stronger than my demons-Although some days it may not seem like it-and I will find a reason to be happy again.
I also felt like I needed to write this because during my hard times, I've realised not everybody is happy. Not everybody has their life together. Not everybody says how they're feeling and what they're going through. So, if any of you ever want to talk about anything-Whether it's serious or you just need a friend-hit me up. I'm honestly on every social media you can thing of and you're not burdening me because sometimes I need somebody too. So yeah, just leave a review asking for a certain social media and I am always here for youâ¤
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am truly sorry about not updating but hopefully I can get back in the swing of that. I will be posting chapter 10 in an hour or so.
Love you amazing and patient people,
Kayleigh xox
I'm just going to come straight out and say this. I've never willingly told my story to another person before so if it comes across as a jumbled mess, I'm apologizing now...
Ever since I was six, I would get made fun of because I was 'fat', I was never as pretty as other girls, I was weird, I talked too much, I talked too fast, I was too loud, I was too dumb; I always felt that no matter what I did I would never be good enough. As the years went on, people stopped picking on me but because of how worthless I felt, I started bullying myself.
Almost two years ago, I completely broke down. I had become so good at faking smiles and pretending that I was happy, that I ended up fooling myself. After I broke down and realised I wasn't okay, I was never the same. Long story short, everything hurt and all I wanted was for the pain to go away.
Around the time I first started writing this book, I also started cutting. I needed to be in control of something in my life and I needed something besides my heart to hurt. I knew I no longer wanted to live so I decided I'd give myself a year to get this book finished and to tie up lose ends. Most days were difficult to go through but I knew where I wanted this book to go and I was determined to leave something behind after me...
My name is Kayleigh and I am Kayleigh from this book. I was set on committing suicide at age 14 and I wrote Kayleigh as what my life would possibly have been like if my suicide had failed (And if werewolves and vampires existed). That is why Kayleigh has cuts on her arm, is really insecure and now has an eating disorder. Kayleigh is the-possible-future me.
At the end of October this year, I had to get an injection and when the doctor saw my scars, she told my parents and I was rushed into a child and adolescent mental health center for an emergency visit. I was a harm towards myself so I had to see this woman to talk about my problems. That's when things first started getting difficult. Talking about my problems, my thoughts, my family was very strange and very scary. I was told I had to see this woman once a week and that I wasn't allowed to self-harm or keep things to myself anymore. I wasn't allowed near any sharp or tempting objects or around any pills. When you have an addiction or something that makes you happy and that helps you through the day and you are told you are no longer allowed to use or do this certain thing, it feels like the world is breaking down around you. You have to feel all the emotions you don't want to feel. You have no choice but to continue living through the pain and trust me when I say, that is so hard. I started having more break downs and more suicidal thoughts because I always felt self-harm helped push back the urge to kill myself. These last couple months have been the hardest times I have ever had to go through...
Yesterday was the the 5th of July and it was also the day I had planned on killing myself...but I didn't. I managed to survive it. I've relapsed quite a few times in the last couple months but I am proud to say that today I am 9 weeks clean of ALL self-harm. I am breathing even though I don't want to.. I am living even though some days that is the last thing I want to do. I want you amazing people to know that you will have bad days but that is okay. You will go through days where it seems like there is no good left in the world, but you CAN and you WILL survive it. You will go through days where you feel like nobody in the world cares about you, but they do. I DO.
When I tell you that your comments on my story mean the world to me, they truly do. I read those comments again and again when I feel like all I do in life is fuck up. I read those comments when I feel like everybody on this earth hates me. So thank you all for reading my story, liking my story, commenting on my story because I honestly appreciate it more than any of you could ever possibly know.
I felt like I needed to tell you what was going on in my life so you might understand why I haven't updated in months. I suffer with depression and anxiety but I'm not going to let it define who I am. Yes, I will have shit days; Yes, I will have days where I feel like there is no point to live; Yes, I will have days where I feel like I will never be happy again; Yes, I have days where I worry about never being good enough BUT I am not alone. BUT tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. BUT I am stronger than my demons-Although some days it may not seem like it-and I will find a reason to be happy again.
I also felt like I needed to write this because during my hard times, I've realised not everybody is happy. Not everybody has their life together. Not everybody says how they're feeling and what they're going through. So, if any of you ever want to talk about anything-Whether it's serious or you just need a friend-hit me up. I'm honestly on every social media you can thing of and you're not burdening me because sometimes I need somebody too. So yeah, just leave a review asking for a certain social media and I am always here for youâ¤
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am truly sorry about not updating but hopefully I can get back in the swing of that. I will be posting chapter 10 in an hour or so.
Love you amazing and patient people,
Kayleigh xox
Pleeeaaasssseeeeee Update
7/25/18