All Again

CHAPTER TWELVE
BECCA
Now.
"I don't want to talk about your birthday or that stupid conversation.”
Harry looks back at me and sighs.
Already he has begun his story.
"Remember my birthday?" he started. “And your text?”
He looked back at me with that stupid smile and I knew immediately he needed to be cut off.
Story time ended.
"What's wrong with talking about my birthday?" he asks impatiently. His eyes are luminous when he gets angry and it slightly turns me on.
"It's not the beginning and this is pointless." I say evenly. “Pick somewhere else to start.”
"It was the beginning." He argues. "And its not pointless. After that, things changed Becca. I began to put the effort in. We became closer."
"Yes we did. I don't need the reminder. I was there. I lived through it Harry." I say dismissively.
"But that was the best time. Why wouldn't you want to relive when you fell in love?"
"Why would I want too? We're not in love anymore Harry. This whole ‘start from the beginning’ thing is just going to draw this out. You need a new plan to fix this."
I sit forward, continuing. "You wanted to talk and we are, we're talking. But we can deal with our issues without the memory lane."
"But we can't." he says. "You don't get me and you don't get what you did to us. I need you to understand how you ruined us."
I throw my hands up. "There we go again. Blaming Becca."
He sighs, but remains patient. "I'm not blaming you. I just want you to understand."
I turn away from him. I don’t think this is a good idea still.
I know it isn’t.
I need to switch tactics and distract him so we can move away from this dangerous topic.
I stand up. He watches me.
"Before you begin, I have something for you." I say looking back at him. His eyes stay locked on me.
"For me?" he asks skeptically.
I nod.
"Is it poison?"
I roll my eyes. "Harry, here's a fact. I don't hate you that much. To hate you, you would have to cross my mind and here’s a tip, you don't. Like ever."
Surprisingly he smiles. "Ouch."
"I'll be right back. I've got to grab it."
He stands. "I'll go with you."
"I don't need you too." I say quickly.
He ignores me and takes a step towards me. His height towers over me.
"What are you doing anyway? What do you have to grab?"
"You'll see it when I come back." I say.
He shakes his head no. "I don't trust you anymore. So either you take me with you, or we forget it."
I sigh loudly. Why is he always so damn annoying?
"Fine. Follow me." I say with a clipped tone.
We head upstairs and Harry follows close behind me. I can smell his cologne and I just pray that it doesn’t linger.
All I need is for Chase to come home, go upstairs, and smell Harry.
"I didn't come up here last night." he remarks as he follows me.
"That's because you were bothering me." I say before opening the door to my bedroom.
It is a decent size and we have a large entryway that leads to the bed.
Harry scans the room. He takes in our sitting area and the opening that leads to our balcony.
"Wow." Harry sings, drawing out the words. "I’m impressed. Is this where the magic happens?"
I roll my eyes and ignore him, going to my closet. I have buried Harry’s gift to the back so I’m going to have to dig.
"Is he a good lover?"
I quickly turn to him surprised by his question, but there is something to it. He is smiling back at me and quite amused.
I need to wipe that cocky smirk right off his face.
"He's excellent. Best I‘ve ever had."
Harry's smile doesn’t fade. "Yeah?“ he questions. “Does he like your tattoo?"
And then it is clear.
I knew there was a deeper motive.
I turn from him and look back at the closet. He can be such an asshole. Well, I can play this game too.
"What tattoo?" I ask shifting items and reaching for the box that had what I needed to give Harry.
“Your tattoo.” he says again, emphasizing each word.
“I don’t have any tattoos.” I bite back, still not facing him.
“What?” he asks. His voice has immediately changed and I know I have won this round.
Again.
He should really stop testing me.
"Did you remove it?" he asks quickly behind me, all humor from his voice gone.
I pull the box down and look him square in the eye. "What if I did?"
His eyes turn to small slits.
He is incensed.
"That would be...a bit much don't you think?"
His tone is now clipped and offended.
I shrug him off and begin to walk towards him. I hand the box to him but he doesn’t grab it.
"Did you?" he asks me again. "Did you remove it?"
I sigh. "Harry take the box."
"No. Answer me."
His eyes aren’t cold, but they aren’t warm either.
“Take the box.” I say again, shaking it.
He doesn’t even look at it.
“If you removed it-” he mumbles.
“If I removed it what Harry?” I challenge.
He doesn’t respond.
I shake the box again, but it is falling on deaf ears.
Finally frustrated with how long this is all taking, I move to shove the box against his chest, but he catches my arm roughly. With his other hand, he quickly lifts my shirt
exposing my hip- and my tattoo.
I slap his hand and push him.
"Don't touch me!"
He doesn’t react. "I knew you didn’t.” he says, completely ignoring me. “I knew you wouldn’t remove it.”
I am still fuming at our small contact. His touch burns my skin.
"You’re so disrespectful. You can't just touch me like that anymore!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." he says waving me away.
“I mean it Harry! This body doesn’t belong to you anymore!” I shout.
He looks back at me in disbelief, and it catches me off guard. Angry Harry is back.
I take a step back.
“You think I don’t know that?” he yells suddenly. “I’m literally standing here in the bedroom that you share with your new boyfriend. I’m looking at the bed that he fucks you in!”
I immediately wince.
“I’m quite aware of our situation Becca! I don’t need the reminders.” he spits and I grow quiet.
He runs a frustrated hand through his hair, and I study him.
He's already upset again.
This situation is too damn complicated for me and shouldn‘t be happening.
This shouldn’t be us.
Every few minutes is a new argument and the hate for me radiates off of him with every look.
As we stand in this bedroom together, my stomach turns.
This should be ours.
This should be our world.
We should be married by now, with a possible child on the way.
We should still be best friends and happy.
The fact that we aren’t slaps me in my face.
I move away from him still holding the box and sit on my bed.
It feels disgusting suddenly. I can see and feel Chase all over me and sickens me.
“I don’t want to do this anymore Harry.“ I confide suddenly. “Can you just take the box and leave?” I ask him. “Let’s just be done with each other.”
My eyes meet his and plead.
“No.” he says and I sigh.
“Why?" I say in frustration. "Why are you being so difficult about this? Why can’t you just let it go?”
“Because I already have. I’m tired of brushing us under the rug Becca. I can’t just keeping letting us go. I won‘t.”
I mirror his earlier actions and run a hand through my hair. “This is too much.”
"Lets just go downstairs and finish." he says patiently. "It’s this room that’s making us sick."
“But why? Why are you so keen on this?” I say. “We hate each other.”
“I don’t hate you.” he says. “Far from it.”
“Well you don’t like me.” I estimate.
“I don’t like this you.” he answers. “But this isn’t you. This is just who you’re pretending to be.”
His words irritate me.
“I’m not pretending to be anything.”
He rolls his eyes.
“I’m going downstairs. This conversation is going nowhere.”
I stand. “This day is going nowhere.” I point out.
He nods in agreement and turns to leave. I am still holding the box as we exit the room together.
"Will you take this?" I ask behind him as we climb down the stairs.
“What is it?” he asks.
“You will know when you take it.” I remind him.
He reaches the bottom stair first and turns to me.
He immediately places his hands in his pocket.
I reach the bottom of the stairs and shove the box gently against his chest.
"It's yours."
His hands go up to catch it, and I walk past him, heading for the couch.
I sit as he comes to meet me.
He sits on the opposite side of the couch and pulls out the gift.
He studies it for a few moments.
"Is this?" his voice pauses.
I don't say anything as he examines the camera in his hand.
"This is from that first trip." he says looking up at me.
"Yeah." I say with indifference.
"This is what you wanted to give me?"
His beautiful face is astonished.
"It's yours." I say simply.
"No. I bought it for you."
"Well I don't want it. I never use it and it cost you a lot of money so..." I let my voice trail off. I play with the ends of my ponytail.
He looks back down at the $900 camera.
"Still Becca I mean...it's a camera… You can eventually find something to do with it."
"No. I don't want it." I say dismissing him.
He looks at me coldly and places it on the table. "You just don't want it because I bought it for you."
"No. I don't want it because it was $900 dollars. I'm not using it Harry and I know how much you love the damn things...just take it." I say impatiently.
"I'm not." He sits back. "I gave it to you. It was the first thing I bought you."
I roll my eyes and cross my arms.
"Oh please don't try to act like it has such sentimental value. You got it in Bangkok yes, but its still a fucking camera."
"You don't even remember why I bought the camera do you?"
"Just take it Harry. I'm done discussing it."
He shifts quickly and snatches the camera from the table. He puts it between his hands and then he does something I don't expect- he turns it on.
I already know what he is going to find. It warms up for a few seconds, and then on cue, he looks back at me.
"Did you know these were still on here?"
"What?" I ask playing dumb.
He flips the camera over and displays a picture of us. It is the first picture we ever took.
I grimace.
It hurts.
"No." I say.
He turns the camera back around and starts to shuffle through them.
“Wow.“ he says more to himself than me.
There aren't many pictures; mainly taken in the beginning of our relationship before we got serious, but it is interesting to watch him look at us.
He smirks, then smiles, and then smiles brighter. He chuckles and light fills his eyes and he looks so beautiful.
I hear Adele's voice in the back of my mind singing.
Let me photograph you in this light in case this is the last time...
I miss him like this.
It has been so long since anything related to me made him smile and I wish I can pause it.
I wish I could freeze time, and leave us here; no bitterness, and no anger.
Minutes pass.
He keeps scrolling, and I know by now he has probably ran out of pictures.
I know he is shuffling through them a second and third time and I smile.
I don’t have to know what picture he is looking at, because I have them memorized. I know every memory he is seeing and I am reliving it with him.
But then, something inside of him turns off.
The light leaves his eyes and his smile disappears. He sighs and sets the camera down and I am confused by what has upset him.
I haven’t even said anything cold or sarcastic this time.
"I don't want it." he says finally. "Donate the camera to charity or something. But I don't want to see it ever again."
His eyes are serious and I know he is not playing games.
“Why?” I ask quickly.
“I don’t want it.” he says again.
"But the pictures…” I begin. “What do you want me to do with them?”
He looks back at me.
He shrugs.
"You don't care about them so why should I? They have sat on this camera for five years. Obviously they mean nothing to you."
I move to reply, but suddenly a buzz is heard. I follow the noise which is near Harry.
He turns from me and reaches in his pocket. He places the phone in his left hand and I stare at his cross tattoo. He glances at the screen on his phone that is vibrating and then answers.
"Hello?" he asks. He stands. My eyes follow.
"Hey Babe." he says running a hand through his hair.
I’m interested and he has my full attention.
"No I’ll be back soon." he says in the phone.
She must ask where he is because he looks at me and says "Nowhere important."
It instantly hurts my feelings. I cross my arms and turn away from him.
I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.
He finishes up his conversation quickly and then tucks his phone back in his pocket.
"I need to leave." he says.
"I thought you wanted to talk." I spew bringing my eyes slowly back to him. I am still hurt by his previous comment. I didn’t think it needed to be said.
He gestures between us. "Does this look like talking?"
I swallow. I grow quiet.
I don't want him to leave.
"Well sit down." I say acting indifferent.
"What's the point? You're never going to change and we are never going to change. It’s pointless like you said. I‘ve realized that now."
"No it's closure like we agreed upon in the beginning." I argue back.
"I don't want it." he says and turns from me. He heads towards the front door. "Have a nice life."
I don't want him to leave.
I jump up.
"Wait!” I say and he looks at me.
I know that I have to give in and give him what he wants. That is the only way this will work out and he will stay.
“Fine.” I say. "We can do the beginning thing the whole...memory lane."
I keep my voice dismissive though I am pretty much begging. In my head, I am down on my knees kneeled in front of him.
Realistically I stand before him with my arms crossed.
He pauses and looks at me. He studies me. "Why?" he asks curiously.
I shrug, tightening my ponytail. "Why not? Maybe it'll help me understand you."
He practically snorts with laughter. "Now you want to understand me? Five years later?"
I remain quiet. I don't know what to say.
Still.
I don't want him to leave.
He can’t.
This can’t be how it ends.
Again.
He looks back at me, thinking.
He scans the door, then me.
It is an internal battle and I hope I win.
"I'll behave." I throw out. "And listen. I‘ll be…nice." I say.
His eyes find mine again. They warm.
“You’ll be nice?” he asks in skepticism.
“If you don’t hurt me, I won’t hurt you.” I say.
He slowly smiles and shakes his head okay.
I have won.
"Fine." he says. "But you only get a half hour."
"That's fine. I'm just letting you get your point out." I admit, but it is a lie.
I think I want him to stay longer.
He sighs and heads back to the couch. My inner ego does a little dance and shouts in excitement, but my expression remains stoic.
I sit across from him.
"So where do you want to start?"
He looks down at the table and a small smirk forms. He gestures to the camera.
"Why not Bangkok?"
No.
Absolutely not.
"You only have a half hour." I remind him. "We should start further back, like when you started your break or when people found out about us."
"Bangkok." he says again. “You can’t start a story in the middle. We either talk about everything or nothing.”
“You don’t have time for everything.” I remind him.
“Don’t care. Bangkok.” he says.
His tone is final and lets me know quickly it's either starting there or nowhere. I know he will get up and leave.
I haven’t really given him much reason to stay. I’m foolish to think he would just want to see me.
Damnit!
I sigh loudly, giving in. I really don't like him in this moment.
He has completely flipped the tables, and now I am trapped in his web.
I reach for the hair tie in my hair and yank it out roughly. My hair falls cascading down to my shoulders.
I'm stalling. I shake my hair and straighten my clothing.
Harry doesn't take his eyes off of me. A hand goes to his mouth and he bites a finger. His eyes remain on me; wide-eyed and intense. The most intense I’ve seen in a while.
"What?" I ask him, and his eyes don't break away from me.
i shift in discomfort.
I never liked the way he looked at me. It made me too vulnerable and like he could see right through me.
Right now, I am scared of what he’ll see.
"Nothing." he says quietly.
His tone is gentle and I don’t believe him. Something is on his mind.
I bite my lip and turn from him.
I decide I’m ready, or as close as I will get.
If we’re going to resolve this, I have to give him something too.
I clap my hands together in mock excitement.
"Okay! Bangkok!" I say. "Go!"
He just smiles and I know I am in trouble.
I am already seeing the snapshots of that trip and know I am completely doomed.
He licks his lips and settles back.
He is in complete control.
"Alright. Here goes.So Bangkok was-"
Then I surprise us both and jump up. I immediately interrupt.
If he wants to go there, then this will not be easy.
I will not be dragged to the fire alone.
If I’m going to burn, then he will too.

Notes

Thanks for the continued comments and votes. I appreciate it more than you know. Next update soon! :)