All Again

CHAPTER ELEVEN
BECCA

Then.

Reality hit me hard on Harry's birthday.
He didn't text me anymore that day and if I was to be honest I kind of expected it.
His 'have a good day' text didn't seem to suggest we would be talking all day.
I was okay though. I was curious to what he was doing, but I knew he had a lot going on.
If I was going to know him I had to get use to gaps. He wouldn't be like normal people and be available at every second of the day.
I would have to grow use to his silence.
So, as I carried myself through my day with my friends and working on my essay's, I was content.
He was just working.
I knew he had a tour to prepare for and he could be busy training or rehearsing or whatever the hell it was they did.
So I kept it simple. I sent him one more text later that evening.
*Hope you're having a great night! Sleep well.*
It wasn't too much and didn't make me seem like I was starved for attention. I liked it.
I went to bed shortly after so I wouldn't have the stress of waiting for his reply and forced myself to dream happy dreams.
When I awoke, the next day on the 1st, I found he had texted me back around 1am his time.
*You too! All the love.*
All the love? I thought it was a strange way to end the message but whatever.
I climbed out of bed, checking my social media things; Facebook, Instagram and then lastly Twitter.
I didn't 'tweet' much but I followed a lot of people. As I browsed my timeline, I didn't see anything too exciting happening.
I refreshed my page and headed to the search tab to see what was trending. The first trend caught my attention.
#HappybirthdayHarry was trending in the number one spot.
I clicked the link.
And then I instantly regretted it.
Suddenly thousands of tweets wishing Harry Styles happy birthday stared back at me.
I didn't even know it was his birthday! I had long since forgotten the Google facts I had read that day on the plane with Kelsey.
I read the tweets and saw the surrounding pictures. It seemed the night before Harry had a big party in LA and lots of celebrities had been there.
I was in complete shock.
He had never mentioned it.
As I looked at the pictures of him with his friends, happy and carefree, I felt mildly ill.
Then...
Slowly... I got pissed off.
Over the next few hours I became a full on stalker soaking up and researching all I could about that party. Every time a new picture popped up, or some celebrity tweeted him, or someone pointed out that his rumored girlfriend was there, I grew even more irritated.
Plus I was hurt that he hadn't even told me. When I had asked him of his plans he had been so vague.
Why would he hide his birthday from me as if I couldn't find out?
Why would he hide something so simple?
Hadn't we been getting to know each other?
Was I not important enough to get that information?
Then it dawned on me.
I was Becca Johnson.
I was a nobody; especially to him.
He didn’t owe me anything.
He had been a boy that I had been texting, but I didn't know him, and he honestly didn’t really know me.
We weren’t close and we were far from even being friends…plus, it was quite clear I never fully would know that side of his life.
The person I had been talking to was just a small facet of his personality. He probably had hundreds of people he talked to regularly to entertain himself and keep from boredom. Hell, maybe it was even a sick twisted game. He probably befriended regular people just to get a small taste of the life he didn't have anymore. He would overtake them and consume himself so he could probably feel normal a bit, then move on to the next.
Well he wouldn't with me.
I decided that day that I was going to cut myself off before I got too involved.
I didn’t yet realize, I already was.
I didn't care about celebrities and what the hell they did in their spare time, but in the past few days, I had looked him up so much just to see his face that I was scaring myself.
I had sat by the phone regularly checking it to see if he would text. I had even went to the damn store and downloaded his album Four on my Ipod so I could hear his voice during the times we didn't talk.
I should have known then he was not going to be good for my life.
I could already tell he would be more important to me, than I am to him.
So around 1pm my time, after I made myself completely tired of all of the scoops pouring in, I sat down and wrote out a long text to him.
I needed to end it.
*Harry, Happy Birthday! I hope that it is going great for you. So...I think you are a wonderful guy. Truly. And I'm so happy that you have allowed me to get to know you a bit these last few days. Things like this don't typically happen to me and I’ve been grateful for whatever this has been. However, I think its best if we don't talk anymore. It's not because you've angered me or some crazy reason, it's just, you're a busy guy and I’m a busy girl and I think its best if we just focus on the other things we have going on. I wish you the absolute best with everything and thank you! Have a good year and good luck with your tour!*
And then I hit send.
And then I regretted it.
And then I psyched myself out and convinced myself again I was doing the right thing.
And then I regretted it again.
Then I found myself on his Twitter page and regretted it even more.
I looked at the thousands of Happy Birthday wishes, and messages wrote to him; and here I was.
Though very very small, I had a connection to his inner world. I could send him a message and he would respond. I had the access that thousands craved.
Plus, for the last few hours he had actually tried talking to me.
To me!
I should have been thankful I had even gotten his attention.
Frustrated, and now pissed at myself for my hasty decision, I turned off my phone. I didn't think he would respond because he was obviously busy and to be honest I didn't want to see his response. I was so positive it would be a cheery 'Okay, I understand!' and I couldn't accept that yet.
I needed a distraction.
By now I had eaten and dressed, and was just sitting in my room driving myself crazy.
I decided to leave my dorm and head to find Kelsey.
We didn't share dorms or halls anymore and we stayed on opposite ends of campus, but it hadn't tainted our relationship. We had known each other so long that our bond wasn't breaking at this point.
I headed to her side of campus and knocked on her dorm door but I received no answer.
"Kelsey?" I called out. "It's me Becca."
There was no answer.
It dawned on me to just call her, but I had turned my phone off and left it in my dorm.
Dummy.
I headed to the library next where she sometimes hung out drinking coffee and browsing the internet, but I didn't find her. I did find Harry though, or at least his voice.
In my search I passed a girl with an Ipod and Laptop. She had earbuds in as she transferred her notes, but I could hear the faint drums of 'No Control', a song on One Direction's latest album.
I didn't like the reminder of him and all it did was make me feel worse.
I headed to one last place, determined even more for a distraction, and headed to Bobby's dorm.
Then wahlah, I found her.
"What's going on?" she asked once she was found. She was spiraled on Bobby and they were watching something on his laptop. His hands were in her hair and they looked sickingly cute. For a moment, a very brief moment, I wished I had what they did.
I had been single for three years, choosing to go on a date every now and then, but I didn’t have that. And my sex life had been nonexistent for a couple months.
I missed having someone to lay with and talk too. I missed having someone to care for me and fuss over me when something was wrong.
That was probably why I was so desperate for Harry’s attention.
Thinking of him now and my decision, depressed me.
Kelsey must have seen something in my eyes then, because she climbed off of him and came to me quickly.
She looked worried.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
"I just need you. A distraction." I said honestly.
She turned back to Bobby and waved at him quickly.
"I'll call you." she said to him and he looked back at her in confusion.
One thing I could say about Kelsey, at the end of the day, it was chicks before dicks. Always.
She waved at him again and closed the door.
"What's going on?" she asked facing me when we were alone.
I began to walk down the hall.
"I'm just stressed out." I said. "Do you want to do something?"
"Sure. Is it that paper?" she asked following me.
"No. I just-" I paused and wondered if I should tell her.
No.
It was over and it would just invite more thoughts of him once more people knew.
"It's just stress." I said simply. "I need to just find something else to think about."
She smiled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "Kay! I got ya.”
She pulled me to her. “Let's go scare this fucking town and forget all about it!”
I laughed and agreed.
We headed back to my dorm and then hers, grabbing our purses. I left my phone behind because it was off anyway, and then Kelsey took me to a distraction.
For the next few hours, I trailed behind her, as she engaged in retail therapy.
My mind was not in it and I spent the entire time wishing I had brought my phone.
I didn't want to check my texts, but I wanted to look on Twitter and see if more stuff had been posted about Harry's party.
I found myself mostly curious about the model he was dating. Supposedly they had been together all night, and a fan had said she had been 'rude and possessive' of him when the fan had ran into him the night before. I wondered how long they had been together and if by now it was getting serious. They had stayed out all night.
The last photos I had studied, showed him leaving out of some café with her and friends at 5am.
It seemed Harry not only liked the parties, but the after party and then the after after party.
I wondered what he was doing at that moment.
Was he drunk?
Was he awake and spending his special day with her?
Was he with friends? Family?
Was he somewhere passed out and sporting a killer hangover?
The unknown was what was killing me.
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore.
"Kelsey can I use your phone?" I asked while she was in the fitting room at Macy's.
"Course."
She slid it under the door and I picked it up.
I knew her unlock code and quickly went into her Twitter app. I searched Harry Styles and saw that he had recently tweeted. My heart leapt and then fell now that I knew he was awake for sure. He must have seen my text by now.
I quickly read his tweet:
Thank you for all the lovely messages for my birthday. All the love. H
There was that all the love mess again. Was that just something he said when he was drunk? Or was that some type of signature?
Either way, now I was itching. I needed to get back home.
"Hey Kelsey?" I called.
"Yeah?"
"Are you ready to go? I think I need to get back to the dorms."
"Really? I thought you were stressed."
"I'm okay now. Thanks." I said. "But I just remembered I was suppose to email my professor something."
"Email what?" she asked opening the fitting room stall and carrying the clothes she had just tried on.
"Some document." I said waving her away. "I'll spare you the details. I know it bores you."
She giggled. "Gee thanks."
She shifted the clothes in her hand. "Let me pay and then we can get out of here."
I smiled back at her and nodded in agreement.
I loved her. I really did.
She was the perfect friend.
She quickly paid for her items and we grabbed dinner before heading back to the dorms. She headed back to be with Bobby and I headed back to my phone.
When I was finally reunited with it, it was like gold.
I was so anxious as it turned on and my screen came to life. Then bells started ringing and chiming letting me know I had updates and text messages.
Text Messages!
I quickly went to my log and saw that Harry had texted me back. Not once, not twice, but three times.
I took a deep breath and opened the messages.
The first one was simple and straight to the point. It was a question mark.
The next message was more thorough.
*Well thank you for my birthday wish. I'm confused though. This is random. I know you said it’s because were both busy but it feels like I’m missing something here?*
Then the final message and the one that stopped time.
*Can I call you? So we can talk?*
I quickly tried to look at the time he had sent it, but since I had turned my phone off, all the messages said the same time- 5 minutes ago.
Jeez. Damn it Becca!
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know when he had sent everything so I didn't know if he would still want to talk?
Why would he want to talk?
Well I would never know unless I replied.
So though I had no idea of what was going on, I sent a follow up text.
*Yes. When?*
He texted back instantly.
*There you are! :) Soon. Maybe ten minutes?*
*Okay* I said simply, but inside I was freaking out! What we would even talk about! In the past few days, we had only exchanged text messages and he hadn’t offered to talk physically at all. I knew he probably wanted details and more information on my conclusion, but I couldn’t exactly be honest.
Or could I?
How would he react if I told him I was scared to get to know him?
I looked at the clock on my phone.
One minute had already passed.
I could feel my chest tightening and beating rapidly and I could feel a heavy lump in my throat.
I tried to swallow but my mouth was very dry as well.
This is what I was talking about. Why did he affect me so much?
Okay Becca, calm down.
Deep breaths.
He's just a boy.
Just an incredibly rich, world famous, and insanely handsome boy. But a boy.
No big deal.
Another minute passed.
Then Three.
Then four.
Then six.
And by minute nine my phone was ringing.
Hmm. He was prompt.
As the phone vibrated and my ringtone sounded, I counted rings so I didn't seem too desperate. By ring four, I answered.
"Hello?" I said slowly. My voice sounded unfamiliar.
"Becca?"
I swooned the moment I heard his voice. It was actually him. The man behind the text messages and the silly jokes the last few days was actually Harry.
I tried to relax.
"It's me." I said.
"Oh hello." he said.
His voice sounded a little different on the phone than the countless videos I had watched but soothing all the same.
"Hi Harry."
"How are you?" he asked politely.
"I'm good." I said slowly. "How are you?"
He chuckled. "I'm good. Well...until I got your text message."
I swallowed. "Yeah. Um...I’m sorry."
"No it’s okay. I think. I just wanted to talk I guess. I'm a little confused."
"I know. And I feel so bad because its your birthday...How’s that going by that way?"
"It's fine. I'm at home right now relaxing."
"Hungover from the party?" I asked.
He paused, not answering right away.
"Uh…yeah." he said after about five seconds. "A little. Not much." he said quietly. "So you heard about that huh?”
I chuckled this time. "It's kind of all over the internet. You're a very well known guy Harry."
"Yeah I guess." he said. "I was going to tell you," he said quickly. "We just didn't really talk yesterday."
"No it’s fine. Why would you need to tell me?" I asked brushing him off.
"Well..." he began but then stopped. "So that's not the reason?" he asked finally.
"For what?"
"Your text."
“Why would that be the reason?” I asked quickly. Did my voice really give it all away?
“I don’t know.” he said. “I guess I’m just pulling at straws.” he said softly. “I‘m glad though. Because it wasn't...that's not..." he stopped again. Then he chuckled again. "I'm sorry. This has quickly became about me. How is your day going? Good?"
I smiled. "Its great. I’ve been with Kelsey all day. My best friend." I quickly explained.
"Was she the one I met?"
"The one and only." I chuckled. "I apologize for her by the way. She can be a bit extreme."
"No she was fine. I liked her."
"Cool." I said.
Then there was silence. I think we were both thinking of what to say.
"So...your party?" I asked. "How was it? It seemed like a good time."
"It was." he said. "I don't do that kind of thing often so..." he paused again. "It was just because it was my twenty-first ya know?"
"I do. You can finally drink!" I said. "Congratulations."
He laughed. "I can even though I already have for four years now. In England the legal age is eighteen. Plus most of the places we visit."
"Really? Wow."
"Yeah. But, I don't know. I was just happy to spend time with my friends. We don't all get together that often."
"Yeah." I said quietly.
"It's a shame you’re in New York. You could have maybe came."
I immediately brushed him off. "Me? No. I don't exactly fit into that scene."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I'm a twenty year old college student. What would I have done at that party?"
My voice was filled with humor but I was serious.
"Spend it with me." he said, as if it was the most basic thing in the world.
"Yeah and Kendall Jenner and Kelly Osbourne and-"
He cut me off. "They're people too Becca. We may all have a level of popularity attached to our names, but...we're just normal people. We just don't have normal jobs."
"Is that how you see your celebrity?"
"I don't only see it that way, I live it that way. My life in the public is very different from what I’m really like. I mean, don't get me wrong, that's me too, but...I don't give the world everything. You can't. You'd go mad."
I grew quiet, thinking.
"Can I ask you a question?" he said suddenly.
"Sure." I said.
"Is that what it is? Are you, I don't know, scared to get to know me because of everything?"
Wow he was intuitive.
"You want the truth?" I asked.
"Always." he said.
"I am." I said and it felt like a small weight off my shoulders. "I'm scared because it will always be different for you and me. We may get along and who knows, we may become great friends, but it will never be equal."
"Equal?" he asked cutting me off. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that I would always be waiting on you. You can have me. I'm here. I'm not doing anything but studying and being with friends. But you- Harry you're touring the world and traveling and meeting amazing people. You're working and recording albums. You're busy. I could never have your full attention and I’m not a needy person, but what if I want to talk to you? Or share things with you...or..." I stopped myself. I quickly realized how crazy I sounded.
I had only known him a week and here I was talking like he needed to make some big commitment to me.
I sounded insane.
"That's not what I mean." I said quickly. "I'm rambling and I don't know what I’m saying." I said with a sigh.
"Becca?" he called out. "Can you listen to me for a moment?"
I physically nodded. "Yes."
"It sounds unbelievable but this is the truth; I will make time for you. I don't know what this is or where it’s going to go, but I like talking to you so far. And if you become important to me, then you will be able to get to me. It won't be immediate, but you'll know what's going on. I don't leave my people hanging Becca. Ever. That‘s not me."
I didn't respond. Not immediately. I was too busy smiling.
I was imagining the future images of being his friend.
"Does that make sense?" he asked since I didn't say anything.
"Yeah it does." I said.
“I promise I really am a simple guy. I’m like the uncoolest celebrity ever.”
I giggled.
“I’m serious Becca. Really. You’d be really surprised.”
“Alright I’ll take your word for it.”
"Kay." he said. "So um…”
I heard shuffling in the background. He was moving something around.
“Are we okay Becca? Friends again?”
His tone was lighthearted and I couldn’t help but smile.
"Yes." I said. "Friends.”
He blew air. "Good. Now that that's over..."
I laughed at his tone and he laughed back. I could already picture his playful pout.
It was a nice sound.
"So enough about me… what else is up?" Harry asked.
I sat back on my bed and settled into the conversation. It was warmer and meant more now that we were physically talking. I could hear his laugh at my jokes, or the sarcasm in his voice when he was teasing me. He did seem partially distracted and there were a couple times he was interrupted, but for the most part, I had his complete attention. I still didn't know if this was all a good idea, but I was going to go along for the ride as long as I could.
Opportunities like this just didn't happen too often.
After a half hour we finally said our goodbyes and hung up.
I was on cloud nine.
Hell, cloud twenty.
I couldn't wait until the next time we would talk.
I didn't know it then, but something was beginning and we were about to enter something we both couldn't walk away from.
I was about to fall for him harder than I had anybody before.
And he was going to fall too.
Soon we would be inseparable and tangled in each other.
This should have been the time that I ran. I should have bolted as far as possible.
But I didn't.
I stood right there, and devoted myself to him. Fully and completely.
I let him consume me and lift me.
And then, when I least expected it, he dropped me.

Notes

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