Ronan: To the Moon and Back

Time for Rae sometimes passes by quickly, when photo deadlines for the Hospice newsletter are due. With doubles shifts and covering for coworkers who decide at the last minute that their hangovers are just too much to handle. She helps her mother with paying bills and cooking dinner for when she eats alone most nights. Time seeps by slowly on the days she visits Ronan, playing hand games, singing him to sleep and watching as she sits by his bedside during his chemotherapy treatments. Another artist stops by on a Friday, a local musician who plays in pubs and coffee shops. He tries chatting up Raelyn, who honestly didn't mean to come off as uninterested and rude, but her mind was in other places; is Ronan feeling better than the night before? Did she pay the water bill on time? Did she remember to turn off the stove for the tea she made her mother before she left in the morning?

However the local musician, a cute bloke with green eyes and blonde hair and those square black framed glasses, shows up on the same day that creeper Louis and his band of lost boys shows up. Rae doesn't honestly think he's creepy and she knows it isn't just his band, that they're a talented band of their own, but she still can't over him just showing up on her door step. She doesn't, can't, stick around for the awkwardness that ensues after that. A nurse informs her that her brother's been asking for her all through his breathing treatment. So she doesn't really get to chat with Louis, just a kind smile and a simple wave of a hand from him. Genuine formalities from Harry, with a greeting cheek bump, a quick hug from Niall, who apparently can crush backbones. A nod from Zayn, which she finds unnerves her because that boy intimates her in the best way possible, and a side hug from Liam. So the time passes in more ways than one, and nothing is really new for Rae and her life; except maybe for that one band that keeps showing up.

*

It's a slow Friday the first time Louis sees it happen; witnesses Rae in her dark moment. The boys are at the hospital again, as they have been every Monday and Friday for the pass month. Louis had a hand in convincing their management that going to sing to sick children twice a week would be good for the kids, and a good way for the boys to spend their break. Not to mention good publicity; which Louis didn't agree too, for management was the one who thought of that, despite Louis clearly showing his distaste for the matter.

"Why can't we just do it out of the goodness of our hearts?" A great question voiced by Harry during that meeting.

"And really, what's better than putting a smile on a child's face?" Louis had added.

Especially if one of those children was the younger brother of a certain beautiful girl, with the hint of mirth dancing in her tone and a camera always on hand. The one who always smiles kindly, genuinely, as Louis sings his solos. The girl who had a coffee cup in her hand a few days later, sipping happily as her brother colored in the new book she bought him. The girl with that brown bag, that clearly means the world to her, slung over her shoulder. Louis, on several occasions, has to remind himself of his girlfriend, and not the bright, multicolored blue eyes that suddenly have been lingering on his mind every time her saw her. Granted, his relationship has been on the rocks for a good while now; they hardly talk to each other anymore, hardly see each other even when they're in the same city.

Louis' walking down the corridor, having just returned from the cafeteria with a cup of tea, if he can even call that god awful liquid in the paper cup tea, when he spots her. He tilts his head, curious as to why she's just standing there. Rae's staring out the foggy window, watching the rain fall outside, droplets chasing each other on the glass. Louis takes a step forward, excited to talk to her again, when he realizes something isn't quite right.

Rae isn't just simply just staring out the window. Her head is bowed, half of her dark hair falling over her shoulder, while the top half hides beneath a white beanie. Her left hand grips tightly to the window pane, fingers and knuckles white. Her right hand is attacking her chest. Louis can't put it in any other way as he watches it in action. The hand on her chest clutches desperately, fingers digging deeply into the small amount of exposed skin just above her shirt. Her chest is heaves frantically, as her breathing matches the movements. Short, sporadic, bursts of air trying to escape her lips, which are currently the victim of her teeth, cutting into dark pink.

Louis places the paper cup of shit tea carefully on the floor, before making his way over to Raelyn. As he gets closer, he sees her body shaking, trembling like she just walked out from an ice box. He proceed with caution because this looks extremely close to what a panic attack looks like.

"Rae?" Louis questions timidly, not knowing how to approach her. When he doesn't get a response, not even a flicker of her eyes, he places his hand gently on her shoulder. "Raelyn? What's going on?"

This time, Rae startles, snapping her head towards Louis. One look from her eyes, all the brokenness, desperation and utter sadness, Louis makes a split decision. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulls her in tightly against his chest. Louis fears the worst, hoping it's anything but what he thinks is causing Rae to have a panic attack. She's trembling in his arms, gripping the front of shirt like a lifeline. Louis feels the movement of Rae's hand between their bodies, despite his tight hold.

"Shhh," Louis hushes her gently. "It'll be okay. It's alright." God, he hopes everything is alright.

However, Rae shakes her head frantically, pulling back from Louis' embrace. His eyes fall to the hand at her chest, her nails leaving trails of red angry lines in its wake, painting her skin in streaks.

"Oh God, Rae." Louis reaches for her hand, pulling it away from her chest, stopping the assault. "Rae love, calm down. Look at me. Breathe, just breathe, deeps breaths." Louis instructs taking in deep breaths himself once those blue eyes lock on his.

He places his other hand on Rae's cheek, feeling how hot her skin is despite how pale, rubbing his thumb along her cheekbone. Louis continues to mutter soothing words, until finally, her breathing begins to match his and the panicked fear in her eyes fade into ocean tides. Rae's eyelids flutter close, inhaling deeply and stepping closer to Louis, wrapping one around his torso. Automatically, Louis mimics her move, wrapping her back up in his embrace. He's still holding tight on her hand, preventing it from mauling up her chest again.

They just met each other not two months ago, and here they are, encased in each others arms, one looking for an anchor, the other being just that. Rae smells like a mixture of roses and coconut, with the faint touch of antiseptic and it fills up Louis' nose. Ensnaring his senses and surrounding his head, making him slightly dizzy in a way that's not really dizzy at all. Or maybe it was just the thought of holding her, acting as her comfort, and still holding tight to the hand that keeps trying to gently pull away; like her reflex is to jump back to her chest.

Louis feels the pads of her fingertips from her free hand press firmly into his back. She takes one more deep breath, inhaling Louis' own scent, before pulling away completely, imprisoned hand and all. Rae fixes her beanie, eyes cast downward, before looking back up at Louis.

"Sorry you had to see that." Rae apologizes, quietly, sheepishly.

Louis just shakes his head. "Don't be. Will you be alright?"

"I'll be fine..." She says, pulling at the ends of her hair, twirling a strand around finger. Although she keeps steady eye contact, Louis still picks up on the lie.

He skeptically searches her face, frowning. "You're lying." Louis states softly.

Rae halts her twirling, and smiles. "Yeah."

"What happened?"

"Oh...Erm...I just...I-"

"Oh, you don't have to tell me." Louis informs quickly, saving her from her sputtering. "I just want to make sure everything is alright."

"No, no." Rae waves it off just as quick, stepping forward, reaching out to grip Louis' elbow. "It's fine. I just- thank you, by the way."

Louis' eyes flickered down to where her hand rests on his skin. He smiles back at her. Rae looks around the hallway before spotting a set of armchairs resting against the wall. She tugs Louis over to the area, and sits down. Taking a deep breath, she rubs once at her chest after releasing her hold on Louis' arm.

"Ronan," Rae begins with a heavy sigh, fiddling with the bracelets that decorate her wrist, "had a chemotherapy session today. Usually it leaves him a bit weak and tired. His naps are quite long afterwards. Today." She pauses, taking another breath. "Today he didn't responded well. His heart rate went crazy and it took the doctors a while to wake him up." Her hand was back to her chest, rubbing and wincing slightly, but not digging into it like before.

"I kind of, um, wigged out, yeah?" She chuckles humorlessly. "It just reminds me that it could happen any minute. That maybe next time he won't-won't wa-wake up."

Louis doesn't know how Rae isn't breaking down in tears. It must be so hard for her to watch her four year old brother struggle with terminal illness. He himself feels a surge of emotion for her and Ronan, but he does keep noticing her relentless hand at her chest, and her wincing every now and then.

"He's fine now, though?" He asks carefully. He wants to ask her why she keeps rubbing her chest like that.

Rae nods. "I can't go back in there today though. He needs his rest."

They fall silent for several minutes. Louis' phone in his pocket begins to vibrate, though he ignores it completely. He doesn't know what to say to Rae, just quietly sitting next to him. He doesn't want to make her think he's pitying her, but he also isn't sure exactly how to comfort her with words or advice; he's never been in her position. So instead, he opts to just stay next to her, so she isn't alone. No one should be alone with that.

"Why do you do that?" Louis suddenly asks, curiosity getting the best of him. He had been staring at Rae for a good three minutes before finally giving in to his thoughts.

"Hmm?" Rae looks confused for a moment, before watching Louis's eyes drift down to her hand on her chest. She catches herself, shoving her hand underneath her thigh.

"How are you not...why aren't you crying?" Louis knew his question came off as prying, rude almost, but the curiosity burns in his tone. "I mean, I probably would be." He adds softly.

Rae blinks several times, titling her head. Her eyes running over Louis a few times. He knew she was evaluating him, seeing if she could and should, trust him or not. Helping her through a mild panic attack seems to be enough of an answer for her.

"Aren't you the famous one? Shouldn't I be interviewing you?" She gently counters instead.

Louis notices a sudden flicker of mirth in her eyes, and he relaxes a little, knowing he didn't offend her. What a relief that is, because if he did, he thinks their new friendship would be out the window and into the rain. "Sorry," He laughs, awkwardly shifting in his seat.

"It's quite alright." Rae smiles, and though it's a small one, it's real. She pauses for a moment, then confesses. "I can't cry."

***

Notes