It's a strange feeling; having to drive back home after reluctantly giving up a major part of someone's life. Strange to have to let go, release your hold on the most beautiful thing that had graced the world for nearly five years. To numbly walk away, after gathering a few personal things, stuffed animals, a small jumper, a gray beanie. Walk away from a room you've spent the past three years in. It feels strange to leave a place like that, to leave everything you've ever associated with that place, only taking unfathomable heartbreak as a parting gift.

It was like wading through thick, muddy water trying to get to the lifts, to the lobby, to the car. Weird to have to split up to take two cars home. Have to carefully keep your mind blank of all thoughts, memories, of the feeling of a body slowly growing cold in your arms, while driving through morning traffic.

No music, no CDs pushed into the slot on the dash, no station tuned to Radio One, not even the white static from an out of range station. Nothing to fill the silence besides the humming of engines, the slight rush of the wind passing by the windows as the car cuts through it. Nothing but the sound of a pounding heart and the small squeak of fingers over the steering wheel, tightening on the leather that covers it. It's all so surreal.

Rae allows the door to shut quietly behind her with a soft click, after helping her mother get out of her own car, turning to lock it afterwards. When she turns back around, she's greeted by the sight of her mother standing in the middle of the family room. Her normally quiet house now seems to scream it's silence at them, air heavy with the weight that everything is suddenly, extraordinarily different. Then MaryAnn moves; Rae tracing her movements with careful eyes.

Her mother gently traces her trembling fingers over a picture of Ronan, taken just hours after he was born. Wrapped up in a blue blanket, pink skin soft and delicate in the lighting. His eyes are half open, but Rae knew when she took the picture, that warm night in June, how incredibly blue his eyes would be. Rae bites her lip hard, trying to rid the pain that keeps shooting arrows through her chest. The pain that's becoming harder to ignore, and her fingers twitch in anticipation for her skin.

Her mother picks up another picture, one of Ronan held in the air at arms length in her hands. He's giggling brightly, probably just under a year old, if Rae recalls correctly. She watches as her mum clutches the picture to her chest, turning to shoot a watery smile at Rae. It's a horribly heartbreaking smile; it doesn't belong on her mother's face.

Clearing her throat, Rae makes her way further into the room. "I'll make some tea."

MaryAnn fully faces her daughter, placing a tender hand on her cheek. Her sad smile drops the same time her hand does, and Rae watches her walk towards her room, quietly shutting the door. Sighing, Rae shakes her head, shakes out her itching fingers and shoves her own emotions aside for now to make tea for her mum. She can deal with her own self later, right now focuses everything she has on her mother.

Once the kettle's heating on the stove and two mugs wait idly on the counter, Rae fiddles with her phone in her hand. Twice she already unlocked it, then locked it again, turning it over and over in her hand. This time, she stares hard at the black screen like it'll do what she knows she should do herself. She presses the home button, unlocks it for the third time, her thumb hovering over the contacts.

She wants to tell Louis, she does; even goes as far as pulling up the last text he sent to her. It's just...she has no idea how to tell him. Or anyone. Shit, she forgot she has to inform people now. Has to tell her family, extended family, her grandparents that live in Scotland. Has to tell Kari, Liz, Jasper -who'd probably close his diner for her mother just to come comfort her. Yet, out of everyone she knows has to gravely inform, Louis is the least out of all of them that she wants to. It's because she knows, knows that once the words leave her lips, she'll simultaneously fall apart. Falling apart is not something she can afford right now.

The screaming of the kettle concedes with the tightness in her chest, making her jump and nearly drop her phone. Locking it once more, Rae sets to pouring and perfecting her mum's tea just the was she likes it. She leaves her phone, forgotten on the counter, and brings the two mugs to her mothers bedroom. She taps her foot lightly against the door, careful not to spill the steaming liquid.

"Mum? I've got your tea." She announces, before carefully opening the door with her elbow.

"Oh, mummy." Rae frowns, cooing her words without meaning to.

The sight before makes her chest constrict so tightly, it miraculous she hasn't dropped the mugs yet. Her mother is sitting on her bed, clutching the picture to her chest, sobbing with one hand over her mouth. Rae quickly sets the mugs down on the night table, then climbs into bed, pulling her mother into her arms. She shifts until she finds a more comfortable spot and tightens her hold. Allows her mother to cry into her shoulder, tears quickly beginning to dampen her shirt.

"My baby's gone." MaryAnn sobs, voice hiccuping on her next words. "My-b-aby."

Rae swallows the dry lump in her throat, pushes absolutely everything she's feeling aside until the need to take care of her mother out weights everything else. She gently hushes her, rocking her back and forth as her mum repeats her words over and over. Rae's not quite sure how to handle this exactly. Not sure she can handle any of it, but all she knows is to hold her mother as tightly as she can.

***

The beginning of sunrise outside the window allows a soft gray hue to come through the blinds. It covers the room with it's dim lighting. Rae has been awake the whole night, just watching over her mum, made sure to ward any nightmares away. Rae blinks her dry eyes, taking in her mother's sleeping appearance. She looks peaceful, in a strange sort of way, like her dreams are giving her an escape from the reality she's about to wake up too. There are dried tear tracks on her cheeks and her eyelashes clump together from tears as her mum's eyes flutter open. Rae wipes the track of sadness away, like she's been doing all night. MaryAnn fully opens her eyes, then stretches out a hand to brush the hair from Rae's face. Rae smiles at her the best she can.

"Did you sleep at all, my darling?" MaryAnn asks her daughter quietly. Her voice is shot, raspy from sobs.

Rae shakes her head, ignores her mothers disapproving frown. "I'm going to make you some breakfast."

"Raelyn, sweetie bug, get some sleep."

She just leans in to kiss her mother's cheek. "I'll call Jasper. See if he could bring some lunch later."

Her mother sighs wistfully. "Alright, dear."

"You stay here." Rae commands gently, making sure the duvet is tucked around her before she gets up.

"I love you, Raelyn." She hears her say just as she gets to the door.

"I love you too, mummy."

***

The smell of roasting coffee beans filling up the kitchen is a welcoming scent Rae knew she needed. She doesn't plan on sleeping any time soon, not with everything she has to do today. Mainly it's taking care of her mum, and finding ways to entertain her hands so they don't rip at her skin. She's doing a good job of it at the moment, mixing her own breakfast creation together; a bit out of the normal of the usual fry-up. Scrambled eggs, with cut up bits of sausage and bacon, some peppers and lots of cheese because her mother will eat dirt if it was smothered in cheese.

There's grilled tomatoes mixed in and Rae has an extra amount of hash frying in the small pan. The food is looking good, but the smell of it is making her feel a little queasy. She thinks it has to due with the pain in her chest she hasn't been able to take care of yet. It's making everything but the smell of coffee unappealing. Once the food is properly plated, the coffee poured and the right utensils pulled out, Rae brings it all back to her mum. She carefully sets down the food and cup of coffee on the night stand, and Rae doesn't notice it until she looks at her mother. She must have gotten out of bed for the few minutes Rae was in the kitchen, because the bag of Ronan's things in now sitting on the bed.

"Mum, no." Rae can feel all the energy she has left drain out fro her feet.

MaryAnn is clutching Ronan's blanket to her chest, sobbing once more. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

Rae doesn't know who she's actually speaking to. She leans forward, gently tugging the soft fleece from her mother's hands. "It's alright, mum."

She holds her mum for a good five minutes before MaryAnn abruptly stops crying. It's not shocking to know where Rae get's half of that same trait from. Her mum pulls out of her grasp, and looks at her daughter like she's just seeing her for the first time since the night before. She looks to the cooling plate of food, then back to Rae again.

"I'm a horrible mother, making you cook for me." She says, voice a little shaky. "I can never be there for you can I?"

"What? Mum. You are always there for me." Rae tells her fiercely. She's not letting her mother begin to drown in self-loathing. "Please don't think otherwise."

MaryAnn places her hand on her cheek, a knowing, yet sad smile on her lips. "Even if so, darling. I'm glad someone can always be there for you when I can't."

Rae frowns suspiciously.

The smile drops from her mum's mouth. "Have you told him yet?"

The air in Rae's lungs catches in her throat and she's reminded yet again of the insistent throbbing in her chest. "I'll call, Nan and Pop. Then Jasper, he'll come here for you, I know he will. After I'll call the family and Kari and-"

"Sweetheart," MaryAnn interrupts gently, "you've got to tell him."

***

Rae made her way through the list of calls she had to make, Jasper showing up halfway through her conversations with her crying Uncle. Her mum had fallen asleep again, so she instructed Jasper to put the five bags of food he was carrying into the kitchen. Before he made his way to her mother's room, Jasper waited for Rae to hang up, then pulled her in as tight as he could, holding her in a way she ignored that she needed to be held. No words were spoken, none needed to be said. Jasper, over the two years him and her mother has gotten closer, has been the closest thing to another father figure she's severely lacking. She forgets that sometimes. Jasper released her, patted her hand twice, then turned towards the room.

Now Rae is pacing upstairs in her bedroom, finally giving in to her chest and digging away at her skin with her nails. She nicked a wine bottle from the kitchen, taking sips from the half empty bottle like it's nothing but water and glaring at her phone. The device lays innocently on the duvet, mocking her, which is crazy because phones can't physically mock people. The thing is, the reason it's been thrown on the bed in the first place, and the reason Rae takes another long sip from the bottle, is that Louis texted her.

Her texted her two hours ago, and she has yet to reply. Which is probably why the phone is now currently buzzing on her bed. Louis' name lights up the screen and her heart sinks when she remembers just the other day her promise that she'd tell him if anything happened. But he's in France. Louis and the four other boys are in France, frolicking along in front of the Eiffel Tower, not having a care in the world. Which is complete and utter bullshit thought, so Rae puts down the wine bottle.

She knows they're there for business. They'll only be there a few more days, but Rae is going crazy with the need of wanting Louis with her right now. She doesn't want to wait, and she doesn't want to answer the phone when it stops buzzing, only to start up again. She doesn't know how to do it. She doesn't know how to tell him that her brother is gone. That Ronan's last moments were asking for them. That she sang him into an eternal sleep as he literally passed away in her arms.

"Ow! Fuck." Rae gasps suddenly, stopping her pacing.

A sharp, abrupt sting shot through her chest, which made her stop. It felt a little piercing this pain. Like when she accidentally stepped on a piece of glass when she was fourteen and decided to run outside barefoot. However, she isn't outside and Rae suddenly remembers why she grabbed the wine in the first place. She slowly takes her hand away from her chest, and looks down at her fingers.

There's a smudge of red that comes away with her hand, coloring her pale fingertips and nails with it. There's an inch of a scratch on her chest, dotting with blood. The skin around it is scraped and torn, red not from her blood, but from the relentless nails attack it. Rae places her hand back on her chest, applying a small amount of pressure to the cut. She hasn't drawn blood like that since they decided to put Ronan into the hospice, her panic attack she had afterward enough to do it.

Rae's phone is buzzing for the third time, so she pulls her hand away again, sees that the bleeding has stopped and hastily wipes her hand on her jeans. She allows her phone to buzz for a few moments in her hand after she picked it up, sucks in a breath and finally answers. Before she can say a proper greeting, let alone a sound, Louis is talking.

"Do you remember that jet I almost stole?" He asks coolly, clearly not wanting an answer as he speaks again. "I'm currently sat in the cockpit ready to take off if you don't tell me why the bloody fuck you haven't answered me."

He doesn't sound angry, per say. More like worried, concerned, and the arrows continue to shoot through Rae's chest. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

"Rae? Please." Louis begs, his voice softening.

She can't do it. She can't tell him. He keeps calling her name, but she can't force the words out. She swallows thickly, the lump painful in her throat.

"Raelyn?" Louis' voice is now shaky. Sounds like he's coming to his own, what will be true, conclusion.

She can't seem to find the air in her lungs anymore. She thinks she gasps, or makes a strangled noise because Louis is now telling her to count and breathe. He sounds out of breath himself, but Louis isn't Louis if he's not making sure Rae is okay before himself. Vaguely, in the back of her mind, she understands what her mother said to her. Rae squeezes her eyes shut, her free hand flying back to her chest, nails digging deep into her skin trying to rip the painful words out.

"He's gone." Rae gasps out, doubling over just trying to fucking breathe.

Louis is utterly silent on the other end. It's with a sudden clarity that Rae now accepts this fact. Her little brother is no longer here. She feels the walls closing in and her chest is squeezing out whatever air is left.

"Ronan's gone."

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Notes