"Are you missing him, RaRa?"

"Hmm?" Rae hums distractedly.

She doesn't want to pull her gaze away from the movie they're watching. She'd put on Tangled when it showed up on the Hospice's moving listings, excitedly hitting the play button. She tried snuggling in with Ronan on his bed, but he complained about getting too hot only a few minutes in. So instead, she sits in the rather uncomfortable chair next to his side. The movie has come upon the scene where Rapunzel is lead to believe Flynn has left her for the crown.

"Punzel misses Flynn. Do you miss Louis?" Ronan asks again, this time pulling her attention away from the movie.

Rae blinks at him. "I...yes." She clears her throat. "I do miss him, quite a lot actually."

It's just been a week since they all left for France, and Rae thought she was holding out rather well. She's busied herself with work, and the Hospice newsletter, taking more pictures and visiting Ronan. It's all the same really. It's like Rae went back in time, nearly a year ago before she even met Louis. However, she has been trying to ignore this awful pang in her heart whenever Louis does text her; tries to avoid that strange emptiness to her stomach. It's like eating a proper full meal, three courses, the works, but never feeling full afterwards. She just misses Louis.

If she allows herself, she can still feel the ghost of his lips on hers when she hurriedly pulled him in for a kiss. Can still see the helpless, almost hopeless expression on his face after his confession. It's like every time she closes her eyes, while alone in her room relaxing on her bed, she can see it all so vividly. Like the colours of Autumn, like a kaleidoscope pointing directly at the sun. It replays in her mind over and over, and that's when she second guesses herself. Should she have responded differently? Well, yes. Clearly if she could go back to the moment, she'd do much more than just awkwardly fish mouth her way through a response. But what would it have been, her response?

Would she have blatantly denied him? Or maybe just kiss him the way he's been kissing her; so soft, tender, gentle as if she's made of delicate glass. Would she have- and only if she had properly sorted out her thoughts and gave her feelings more than just a simple passing thought- said it back to him? That's when her heartbeat picks up, when her room begins to feel hot despite the air conditioning. When the stab of pain, of anxiousness, missing her chest and aims for her stomach, goes back to that emptiness. It's a full circle.

Like Ronan said though; Rapunzel misses Flynn. Rae misses Louis. Misses his smile, the crinkles by his eyes when it over takes his face, when it's sweet and genuine. Like when he's smiling at the children, or laughing at a horrible joke Harry has told. She misses the gentle touch of his fingers along her face, brushing hair away from her eyes when she's working on developing photos. Misses the way he seems to look at her with soft, fond eyes, a look at makes her blush even though she'd hardly admit it. She misses his warmth, his comfort, that fact the he seems to be the only one to fully comprehend what goes through her mind constantly. It's only been a week. She feels a little pathetic.

Rae shakes her head subtly, ridding her thoughts and grabs her coffee cup to take a sip. Ronan's attention returned back to the movie, or so she thought, when he voices his next thought.

"Do you kiss Louis?"

Rae swallows her coffee down her air pipe at the question. She splutters and coughs, trying to clear her airway and regain her breath again. After a minute of heavy coughing, Rae pushes back the loose strands of hair that had fallen in front of her face.

"I'm sorry, what?" She asks her brother incredulously.

Ronan blinks up owlishly at her, his eye lids slowly reopening. He points at the telly, to the scene where Rapunzel had pulled in Eugenie for a kiss after she healed him. Rae's baffled by the seemingly innocent curiosity of a four, nearly five year old. Ronan is smart, always has been; always watching people and things around him with interest. So he's probably noticed the way her and Louis act around each other. Rae watches the end of the movie for a few more moments before deciding she'd rather not lie to her brother.

"Well, Ro. Yes. I have." Rae answers bluntly. Ronan giggles, though as weak as they are, it's still the best noise Rae has ever heard. It still warms her heart when she sees Ronan's hand just barely cover his own mouth; a trait they both share.

"You only kiss people you love, don't you?" He questions, inhales deeply trying to catch his breath.

The oxygen machine beeps several times, and Rae waits with a clenching in her chest for Ronan to breath properly again. Once she's sure he's got his breath back, she answers him carefully.

"Erm, yes, normally. Yes, but-"

"Does that mean you love Louis?"

The way this conversation was going, Rae should have been more prepared for that question. As it is, she isn't. Her heart skips a beat, releasing the tightness she felt, and her stomach flutters when she abruptly hears Louis dropping those three words like it was the simplest thing he could ever do. Like his confession was as easy as brewing tea in the morning. It just caught her so off guard. He caught her so off guard that all she could do in that moment was stand there and stutter, trying to process every word he was saying.
All she could think about then was that Louis, who has been everything from a simple laugh to her solid anchor, who had kissed her so softly, was jetting off to another country that same day. It gave her no time to properly respond. Rae inhales before speaking.

"It means..." She pauses, fixing Ronan's beanie that shifted over his eyebrows. It's too big on him. It was originally Harry's until Ronan said he liked it, and Harry didn't hesitate to swipe it off his own head, and put it on her brother's.

Now she's stalling because she doesn't really know what it means. Or maybe she does, and maybe it is that simple. Maybe if she were to actually tell anyone anything, it'd be Ronan right now. There's been more wires hooked up to Ronan in the past day then there are been when he first came into Hummingbird. More machines whirling more noises and monitoring every move Ronan makes, every breath he takes, every beat of his heart. If Rae has to face the reality of this situation, extremely reluctantly has to face the possibilities, Ronan might not even have the time to wait for Rae to sort out her own feelings.

Subconsciously, her right hand presses firmly against her chest, hoping the clench subsides. She can't really think about that, she can't work herself into a panic attack, especially when the one person who's so good at calming her down is in France. She can't even remember how she did it herself before Louis anymore. A sudden wet pressure on her cheek pulls her from her thoughts.

When she looks over, Ronan is extremely close to her face, just an inch from her own nose, beaming up at her despite how dark the circles under his eyes are. No matter how sick he is, the blue of her brother's eyes will always be her favorite colour, will always shine brighter than any star she's tried to photograph.

"That means I love you, Ra-Ra." Ronan whispers, as if it's a secret.

Or maybe he just knows this moment isn't a time to be loud, if he could even have volume to his voice. Rae feels the clenching of her chest disappear as she smiles back at him. She returns the kiss, placing her lips right on his little nose. Ronan scrunches up his nose, but continues to smiles.

"I love you too Ro. To the moon and back." Rae says quietly.

Ronan nods. "I like Louis. So it's okay if you give him love kisses too. Like Rapunzel and Eugeniey."

Rae chuckles lightly. "Eugene, Bud. But yeah? So I have your permission to love Louis?"

Ronan ponders over it for less then a minute before he's nodding vigorously. He stops abruptly though, blinking quickly. It looks like he's gotten dizzy and Rae's hands hover over him for a moment when he slumps forward a little.

"'M sleepy, Ra." He tells her, rubbing at his eyes with his little fits. "And I'm hurted."

Rae frowns, gently pushing him back so he's resting on his pillow. "What's hurting, love?"

"Everywhere." Ronan pouts, his bottom lips puckering out and quivering. Rae can feel her heart begin to break when she sees the tears well up in his eyes, and fall down his cheeks.

"Want me to sing to you? Make you feel better?" Rae asks, wiping away his tears as she sneakily pressing the nurse call button.

Ronan nods, and grabs her hand after Rae tucks him in. She's in the middle of singing the song from Tangled when the nurse comes in, and begins to check Ronan's vitals. Rae ignores her, focusing on gently stroking Ronan's temple and watching his eye flutter with exhaustion. It's when Ronan fits his small fingers in between hers, does she come to a realization she probably should have told someone else before he got on a plane.

"Ronan. I do love Louis." Rae confesses, whispering close to her brother's face.
Ronan's eyes open a little wider, a small smile spreading across his mouth. "Like Eugene and Punzel."

Rae just nods, kissing his forehead just as he falls asleep.

***

Rae is like a busy little bee, buzzing around the Diner balancing orders and plates of food. Unknown to her, she's being watch by her unimpressed coworker, boss and best friend, all watching as she nearly avoids Max with a bucket of dirty dishes. She's been in this nonstop mode for the past three days now, thinking that having no time to herself will erase what's truly happening at the Hospice. She knows she can't actually erase anything, but if occupying her mind with work and other things (not sleep, because that's when the nightmares come out) she doesn't have to think about it.

Over the course of two nights, Ronan's health suddenly declined from bad, to worse. He can hardly breath on his own anymore, relying on the actual oxygen tube rather than just the small finger monitor. He's taken to request staying in bed, and refused to go meet Olivia in the playroom. He says his legs hurt, his arm, his whole body and will only move when Rae or their mother snuggle in bed with him. Her mother's there now, watching over Ronan while Rae serves plate after plate, hot tea and coffee. She's picked up three double shifts for the next week, and nearly begged for a third before Jasper threaten to fire her.

"Maybe you should fire her, for her own sake." Liz voices from behind the counter, watching Rae side step Max again.

"Maybe you should get to work and help her." Jasper quips.

Liz glares at him, holding up a fist full of receipts, clearly showing him she is working.

"Or just like, give her a vacation. She needs one. Like, months ago." Kari pipes in.

"You know I can bloody hear you all!" Rae calls from the middle of the diner, notepad in hand. The people she's taking orders from look appalled.

Kari shrugs, Liz rolls her eyes and Jasper pushes himself up from leaning over the counter when the phone rings. Rae is still glaring at her so called friends, pointedly ignoring Kari's smug little smirk, as if she knows something Rae doesn't. Rae take the orders and leaves the table, only then noticing Kari showing her phone to Liz. Now she's suddenly suspicious. Before she can ask, the phone rings again and suddenly Jasper's plucking the order right out of her hand.

"Rae, darling, could you get that? I'm awfully busy." He says sweetly, giving the order to Max via the small window to the kitchen.

"I hate you all." She mutters, but snatches up the ringing phone anyway. "Hello, Jasper's Diner, this is Rae speaking, may I take your order?"

"You sound all nice and proper, you do." Louis' voice comes through the other line.

Rae nearly drops the phone, fumbling with the pen before just setting it down on the counter. "How the hell do you have this number?"

""I've missed you so much, Louis. It's so lovely to hear from you.' Why thank you Rae, I've missed you too." Louis mocking of her voice is spot on.

Rae can't hold back the smile spreading across her lips. "Alright, sorry. Just wasn't expecting. How are you?"

"I'm quite alright. France is lovely."

"Always wanted to go to France."

"I'll steal the Eiffel tower for you if you do me just one favor?"

She only mulls it over for a second then answers, "Maybe."

She hears Louis inhale on the other side, as if what he's about to request is something hard for her to do. "Take a break. Go home, love. I've been hearing you're working yourself to exhaustion...again. Go home, relax, breath a little. I don't know, have a nice glass of wine and watch some movies."

That is something hard for her to do, mainly because she's stubborn and doesn't want to. She narrows her eyes in Kari's direction. "This wouldn't happen to have come from someone with Justin Bieber lyrics tattooed on her arm, would it now?"

"Hey!" Kari whines affronted. "I quite like my tattoo, thank you very much. You've got Ed Sheeran lyrics on your ribs, so shut up."

Louis over hears that. "Ed Sheeran lyrics? Why's this the first I've heard of it?"

"They're on me ribs, Lou. I don't go about flashing strangers just to show off me tattoo."

"Better not." She hears Louis mumble. "You'll just show me later then."

Rae actually blushes, turning so her back is now facing Kari. "Anyway. I can't just take off, Louis. There's bills-"

"No. Nope. Don't even, Raelyn. I know you know for a fact that those are covered and will be covered for at least three months." Louis sighs again, not frustrated, or annoyed, just, concerned. If sighs can sound concerning.

Rae's stomach twists a little. She knows he means well, know he's worried about her, and again she just simple misses him. She's about to voice the real reason she doesn't want a break, when Louis beats her to it.

"You don't want to be left alone with your mind, do you. You're scared." He states quietly. He knows how fragile this can be; is. "If you stop working, just for a second, you think everything will cave in on you."

She doesn't answer, baffled with how well he knows her, when really, it shouldn't be a surprise at all. "I just don't want to be alone. If I take off work..."

"I'll be back in a week, Rae." Louis reminds her gently. "One week."

"He's getting worse each day, Louis." Rae confesses, voice lace with fear. "I- I don't know what to do anymore."

There's a loud crash in front of the diner, startling Rae back into her surroundings. She'd forgotten she's behind the counter and not in the comfort of her own room on her own phone talking to Louis. Rae looks over her shoulder and sees a mother scolding her young child for knocking over their food in what looks like a stubborn fit. Rae automatically moves her foot sideways, as if to abandon the conversations she's having to go clean it up. However, Liz is there a second later, waving Rae off and fixing her with a heated stare as if to tell her to stay put.

"Whatever that was, Rae, forget it. Just please, love, go home. Call me when you get there and I promise we'll talk more, yeah?" Louis' voice pulls Rae's attention back.

"Yeah, alright. You're right, I'm exhausted." As Rae says it, she can feel the heaviness in her bone, weighing her down like sandbags. "Talk to you soon?"

"Very soon. I lo-er, just call me once you're home." Louis says. "Bye now."

"Bye." Rae hangs up, then stares at the phone for several moments.

Louis's hesitation at the end didn't go unnoticed by her. She knew what he was going to say, even had her stomach fluttering and heart jumping for split second. She can't help feel disappointed that Louis reconsidered his words, and she can't help but to know exactly why he did so. If she wasn't so stupid, so shocked and a little frightened before he left, maybe he would've said it over the phone. Maybe she would have said it right back.

She's literally pushed out the door by Jasper, after he gave her her check early, declaring her small vacation is paid, despite her only working at a diner. Jasper scoffs when she says as much. Kari waves a sheepish goodbye and Liz just nods as she gives the little kid who threw the fit a new milkshake. Rae feels much heavier driving home, but this time it isn't from pure exhaustion. There's a guilt settling in her stomach, feels like she ate too much Yorkshire pudding then decided to go for a run.

She sighs long and hard when she comes to a stop light, resting her head on the steering wheel. She can already feeling her thoughts creeping around her head, invading her mind and sneaking their way toward her heart. She does as Louis says. Breathes in deeply, counts slowly, and exhales. An impatient honk from behind scares her back into focus, then she's driving again, eyes on the road, and only thinking of the lines separating the lanes.

***

After she gets homes, showers, changes into a pair of joggers and a tee shirt with holes, Rae finally, finally, plops down on her bed. She calls Louis after she hooks her phone to the charger and talks his ear off. Tells him everything new with Ronan, confesses every fear she has, every thought she hears and actually works herself up into a panic attack. It takes Louis a good ten minutes to calm her down, even demanding at one point to someone he's with that he should just take their private jet back to London for the night. It's when Rae hears that, that she fully calms herself down. However, Louis's voice doesn't come back right away, instead it's Zayn answering her.

"Please tell him not to get steal the jet." Rae pleads, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Zayn chuckles. "He'd do anything for you, Rae, stealing a jet is the least of your worries."

Rae rolls her eyes in utter fondness, drops her hand away, pressing once against her chest, then shoves it under her pillow.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Zayn question, concern evident.

"Yeah, good. Just got a little..." Rae trails off at a loss for words.

Zayn seems to understand though. "I got ya. Listen, just take it easy. Louis' not the only one who loves you, you know."

Rae smiles. She misses all of them. "I know. Sorry for worrying you all."

"No need to apologise." Zayn tells her.

He sounds soft, like he's speaking to someone he really cares about. Rae once overheard him talking to one of his sisters on his phone, curled in on himself as he spoke gently to her. She thinks he sounds the same now and Rae feel affection bloom in her chest for not just Zayn, but Harry, Liam and Niall too.

They've all been there from the start, have all seen her fall apart at least once. They all love and care for Ronan and somehow, those emotions carried over to her as well. Louis was just the one to weave his way into her heart and get tangled up in the strings there. Rae is perfectly okay with that.

"Miss you. All of you." Rae whispers. She abruptly feels overemotional, but maybe that's just everything from the past week getting to her. She doesn't cry, obviously since she hasn't in years, but her chest isn't clenching like it normally does.

"Us too, babes. If Louis doesn't answer, we're always here for you too." He reminds her. Rae nods, knowing he can't see. "Oh, Lou's coming back. He looks murderous. Maybe-" Zayn's voice drops to a low murmur, "if you tell him you love him he'll be happy Lou again."

"I take it back. I hate you." Rae deadpans, then starts. "Wait...how d'you even know that I've come to terms with that?"

"Have you?" Zayn sounds shocked. Shit. "Oh my god, Rae. You do love him. Fucking finally."

"You're sweet and all, Zayn, but I'd really rather you keep your lovely voice down as to not confess my feelings over the bloody phone."

"Perfect for each other, you are. It's uncanny. Sure, babe. That's something on your own time and not for the phone. Oi! Louis!"

Rae yanks her phone away from her ear once Zayn's went from spy mode to football shouting volume. There's a rustling, a rushed, distant goodbye from Zayn, then she hears Louis muttering curses under his breath.

"I take it stealing the jet was a no go?" Rae quips.

"Apparently flying a plane without a license is illegal or something. Who knew. And there's this little thing called promotion that's all day tomorrow. I hate everyone." Louis says darkly.

Rae laughs, full on barks out a laughter at his ridiculous sarcasm. Once she's calmed her laughing down, she speaks again. "Like you said. Just one week."

"One week." Louis' smile can be hear through his voice.

That's how Rae falls asleep an hour later. Listening to Louis ramble on about France, and singing her little teasers of a song him and Liam starting writing on the plane ride over. Pretty lyrics about carrying someone through fire and water and darkness. She falls asleep to Louis soft singing, and when she wakes up in the morning, there's a text on her phone.

Apparently sitting in the cockpit of said jet unauthorized is frowned upon as well.

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Notes