Ronan: To the Moon and Back
"Paris?"
(AN: Certain events in this chapter are 100000% inspired by real life, living in a children's hospital for two and 1/2 months, events. ( That I have personally witnessed and have been a part of))
Rae wakes up to the sound of obnoxious buzzing. For a several moments she's confused, wonders why her neck is a little stiff. Blinking her eyes opens, she suddenly remembers her date with Louis, and falling asleep on the couch. When she reaches for her phone, she spots a yellow sticky note with his handwriting.
Sorry love. Had to leave, meetings in the morning. You're cute when you're sleeping. -L
Then she answers her phone, her smile slipping off her face when she hears the tears in her mothers voice. Rae's off the couch in a flash, racing upstairs to grab her phone charger and keys, before rushing out the door. Not even noticing she's in the same outfit as the night before; not as if she'd care about that at the moment.
When Rae arrives at the Hospice, she parks haphazardly, having to squeeze herself between her door and the car next to her. She barely greets the nurse at the lobby desk in her rush to get to the lifts. Which seem to take their sweet, agonizing time. Once she's in the lift, she jams her finger on the fifth floor button, then repeatedly stabs at the 'close doors' button. Mumbling curses under her breathe when it still takes it's time.
It's strange, having to go to a new floor and not the normal terminally ill one. Different having to actually wait outside the doors and call in to the ward to be buzzed in. She reaches the new room, after following the signs down the long hallway. She has to mentally calm herself, inhales deeply, counting backwards in her head. Then she quietly opens the door.
Her mother is sitting in an armchair next to Ronan's bed, a book in her lap. She isn't reading though, Rae notices. Her eyes are staring blankly at the page in front of her. She looks up when she hears Rae, and offers a small smile.
"Is he-?" Rae begins to ask, but her mum nods.
"He's stable. Had a bit of a scare. Had no choice but to move him to ICU." MaryAnn informs her, closing the book and setting it on the bedside table. "Mainly for precautions."
"I don't understand. What happened?"
Her mother sighs, long and weary, it sounds like years of exhaustion and fear. "He just..collapsed. On the way to the playroom, he said his leg was hurting and just fell down. They're monitoring his vitals constantly now, he's been running a low fever since last night, and his heart rate is above normal."
"Do you think he could have another seizure?" Rae questions anxiously, pressing her hand to her chest. She pulls it away when she notices her mother eye the same hand.
"Not sure. They're watching him closely though. He did have a chemo session today, but they're holding off for a few more hours."
Rae nods, and makes sure she avoids looking at her brother too hard. Instead she gives her mother a long hug. "Go home, mum. Get some sleep. I can stay here."
"Are you sure, darling? I don't mind." Her mum smiles, pulling back and brushing her fingers through Rae's messy hair.
"I'll be fine, mum." Rae assures her.
"Alright then. How was your date?" MaryAnn questions, quietly gathering her things.
Rae bites back a genuine smile. "It was great...and wet. Since it rained most of the time. He's so lovely, mum."
MaryAnn smiles again and Rae can see how exhausted she is. Her clothes from the night before are wrinkled in places and her makeup is smeared around her eyes. Her eyelids are a little swollen from previously shed tears.
"I'm glad you had a good time. I'll bring you clean clothes after I take a nap." MaryAnn promises.
Raelyn watches her from the corner of her eye as she bends over a sleeping Ronan, murmuring something, then kisses his forehead and cheeks. She gives the same kisses to Rae, hugging her once more, thanking her.
"No rush, mummy. Just rest, yeah? Maybe call Jasper for lunch or something?" Rae smiles, boldly winking.
MaryAnn just playfully hip checks her daughter in response.
***
Ronan wakes up an hour later when Rae is half asleep, curled up in the new armchair the room provides. She's startled back to full consciousnesses when Ronan gasps and begins coughing uncontrollably. Rae rushes over to him, careful of the wires he's hooked up too, forcing him to sit up and lightly thumps on his back. His face is turning red, tears filling his blue eyes, sputtering and choking. Suddenly, Ronan is throwing up, deep red liquid that runs down his chin and onto Rae's arms, soaking into the edges of her sleeves. Rae panics.
She leans over to hit the on-call button without letting go of her brother at the same time. They respond quickly, rushing in and immediately assessing the situation. They use a small air vacuum tube behind the bed, sticking it in Ronan's mouth and sucking out what he's choking on. Once they get Ronan's airwaves unblocked, they begin to clean him up.
It's turns out he threw up some of the medicine he was given the morning before Rae arrived, and more terrifyingly, the deep red was old blood having built up in his stomach. As much as Rae can feel the clenching in her chest, the mess of anxious fear twisting in her stomach, she ignores it, because Ronan is crying.
"It hurts, it hurts!" He's rasps, sobbing into Rae's chest, clutching -weakly- at her dress sleeves. He cries more then when nurses change his clothes into a gown.
He keeps rubbing at his throat and Rae looks up helplessly at one of the nurses. She explains how the medicine (which she informs her is alcohol based) with the acid reflex more than burnt his throat coming up, then turns to the sink to grab Ronan a cup of water. One of the nurses physically has to drag Raelyn away, and make her wash her hands and arms in the sink. She's glad, in a dark humorless, ironic way, that her dress is the same colour as the vomit. She doesn't know if she can handling seeing it stain any other colour.
After the siblings are both cleaned up, Rae does the only thing she can think of besides encouraging words; she sings to him. Sings until his tears have subsided, and the burn in his throat fades. Sings a made up song as the nurses try to get him to eat. He refuses, pushing the spoon away from his mouth.
Ronan shakes his head, pouting. "M'tummy hurts." He finally and only, after an hour of trying, eats when Rae takes a bite. So she takes small nibbles of yogurt and feeds her brother the rest.
She sings when he cries again, missing his friends on the old floor. Sings when more nurses come in, along with someone fully dressed in a surgical gown. The hematology nurse is just drawing blood for tests , but it terrifies Ronan, causing his heart rate to skyrocket and setting alarms on the machines off. Loud constant beeps that Rae tries to sing over. She sings songs about somewhere over rainbows and of vegetables singing silly songs about lips.
"If my lips said adios, I don't like you
I think you're gross, that's be too bad, I might get mad."
The last one makes Ronan giggle, and his blood is drawn and the scary nurse leaves the room, smiling sadly. Rae has to pause when Ronan tells her he has to go to the loo. He needs help getting on his feet, and slowly takes the few steps it takes to get to the door in the same room. He's holding on to Rae's hand, and once they reach the door, Rae asks if he needs help.
"No, Ra-Ra! I'm a big boy!" Ronan beams up at her. Wide blue eyes the colour of innocence.
He's smiling now, but Rae remembers just two hours ago, and it's kind of scary to think of that crying boy in pain as the same one. So, Rae sings the potty song she made up for him two years ago. Ronan giggles again, shouting through the door that he no longer needs it. However, when Rae stops singing it, Ronan is calling her name, begging her to sing it again. Rae sings when Ronan's vitals are being taken, and during this, he begins requesting songs.
"The one where One Dertenttion sounds pretty." Ronan smiles, then pouts when a nurse put on the arm cuff to check his blood pressure.
Rae laughs. "Direction, Bud, and of course. That one! How silly of me to forget." She pokes his nose, distracting him from the cuff.
"Silly." He repeats. "The one where you said Louis sounds the prettiest, Ra-Ra. That one."
"I think he always sounds pretty." Rae mutters. "But...erm..."
Ronan taps her hand, then points at the cup of tea she got early, sitting on the bedside table. She smiles in acknowledgment, then begins singing Little Things to him; it's his favorite song. She sings to distract him from the tight squeezing of the cuff. Continues to sing when they change his IV bag, and put in a new needle since the hand it was previously in became swollen. She still sings even when he's curled up in her arms, snuggled up on his side, falling asleep to the lyrics flowing soothingly from her mouth.
Ronan's been asleep for the past hour when Rae absolutely (even though she would love to stay next to her brother cuddled up) has to move. Her throat is a little raw from singing for hours, and she's quite hungry; plus she's had to use the toilet for the past hour. So slowly, as quietly as she can, slips her arm out from under Ronan, and rolls over until she- ungracefully -lands on the floor. She dubs herself the ninja master of slipping away from sleeping brothers when all Ronan does is sniffle. Rae, feeling a little bad, takes the dinosaur toy she gave him several months back and puts it under his arm.
She uses the loo, then checks her phone, blinking in surprise at the eight missed called, and fifteen text messages. It's a good thing she's in Ronan's room, can physically see that he's peacefully sleeping. Otherwise she'd be having a panic attack, nails digging into her skin and all.
Only one text is from her mother, explaining she had a good nap and is now having a nice lunch with Jasper. Rae smiles at that, then checks to see that most of the calls and texts are from Louis. She suddenly, sort of, regrets keeping her phone on silent; almost. Rae sneaks out of Ronan's room, turning and nearly bumping into a nurse about to go in.
"Please," Rae pleads softly, "please don't wake him up. He needs to sleep, but could you call my phone when he does wakes up?"
The nurse, Ryan, looks at her confused for a moment, before smiling. "I can do that. I was actually coming to tell you that Ronan could possibly be moved back to the seventh floor today. If his vitals stay consistent."
"Really?" Rae asks excitedly, remembering to keep her voice down.
"S'what his doctor told us. The medicine just didn't sit well with his stomach, and it looks like his fever is going down." Ryan answers. He takes Rae's number when she give it to him, waving as she makes her way out through the doors.
Rae reaches the lift area, then finds a spot by the large window against the wall. She sits on the bench, dialing back one of Louis' many missed calls. Briefly, she wonders if he's alright, what brought him to call her that many times; even just after seeing her not twenty hours ago. Maybe someone found out about their date last night and he was calling to warn her. Rae frowns, really hoping that isn't the case, she can't deal with another rouge paparazzo now. Before she can come up with any more options, Louis answers.
"Raelyn! Are you alright, love? Is Ronan okay? I don't know where you are." He's spouting frantically, sounding a little breathless even.
"Louis- what?" Rae questions in confusion. "What are you talking about?
"We got here and Ronan wasn't in his room, and you weren't there and you weren't answering me calls or texts, so I thought-"
It dawns on Rae quickly, her mouth opening in a small oh when she realizes what he thought. Instantly she feels bad for making him even think that's what happened.
"No, Louis no. He's okay, he's fine. Or actually, he's better. I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were coming today, I would've told you. Ronan had some complications last night. He was moved to ICU for the night. I'll explain more when I see you. But he's fine. I'm fi- well, Ronan's okay."
She hears Louis sigh in relief, then he relays the information back to whoever he's with. She's assuming it's the other four boys, probably all just as worried as Louis. His words are muffled a little, as if he took the phone away from his mouth, holding his hand over the mouthpiece.
"That's good. We're glad to hear that." Louis sighs again. "I may have given meself a proper scare there. Me mind just jumped..."
Rae stands when she sees the lifts open, walking over and getting inside. "I would have told you if-"
"I know, Rae. You don't have to say it- I'm sorry."
Rae rolls her eyes, pressing the button to the 7th floor, because Louis has no reason to be sorry. "I'm the one who's sorry. Didn't mean to wig you out. Are you still there? I'm coming up."
"Still here, yeah." There's a bit of commotion on his side, and she has to pull her phone away when there's a shout. Then-
"Raelyn! Are you hungry!? Please say you're hungry because I've been starving over 'ere and these pricks are just letting me waste away. Even if they don't want food, I want food. Do you want food? We'll get food together. Make Lou real jealous, because you obviously like me better."
Rae is laughing, bright and loud and it startles the only person in the lift with her; an older woman with a visitor's pass. The woman quickly exists the lift when it reaches the sixth floor.
"Niall, you are my absolute favourite, you know that. I'd love to get some food with you."
"D'ya 'ear that!?" Niall is shouting again. Rae figures they're outside the actual ward, otherwise they'd be kicked out due to disturbing patients. "She says I'm her favourite, and better than all of you and thinks I'm prettier than Louis. Ha! She likes me better."
Rae scoffs."'Course you're prettier."
"Well, Zayn is prettier than everyone."
Rae agrees. The lift comes to the seventh floor, and when the doors open, she's immediately met with five beaming faces. Well, four, considering Louis is scowling at Niall. Rae laughs again, hanging up and sliding her phone in her boot. Her dress as no pockets; shame, dresses should have pockets. She doesn't even get off, for they all come into the lift.
Niall greets her with a sloppy, big kiss on her cheek. Smacking his lips against her skin, then smushes his face against hers, hugging her tightly. He doesn't let go, and she's rather glad about that. She hasn't let herself think too hard on why Ronan ended in the ICU in the first place. Niall is a very welcoming distraction.
"Have you not changed?" Louis is asking, scowl gone, replaced with concern. "What's that on your sleeve?"
Niall makes to pull away, but Rae tightens her arm around his waist and keeps him there. "Erm...I kinda rushed here in the morning."
Rae shrugs, Niall's arm moving with the motion. She hasn't really taken a good look at herself, and frankly she would rather not. She knows her makeup is probably smeared, and her hair is messy and tangled. Her clothes are possibly wrinkled in several places, one of her boots is scrunched lower than the other. Even though the vomit was the same shade as her dress, it still left dark stains around the edges, and if she were to sniff it, it'd probably, most likely will smell of stomach acid and medicine.
Sheepishly, Rae looks down at her feet, and plays with the frays of Niall's bracelet. "Didn't have time to change. And don't ask what's on my sleeve. Water, yeah. Just water."
Niall, the strange boy he can be some times, pinches said fabric between his thumb and forefinger. Rae looks at him, slightly appalled when he lifts his fingers to his nose and sniffs. All Niall gives away is a blink of his eyes, smiles down at Rae and says-
"Just water, mate."
Rae beams at him. She can feel her cheeks scrunching up her eyes and she suddenly has this burst of affection for Niall, blooming inside her chest where it takes over the pain from earlier. When she looks back at Louis, she knows he knows they're lying, going by the skeptical look in his eyes. However, he just accepts it, then loudly announces they're going to a sushi place down the street.
"Actually," Rae begins tentatively, "could we maybe, just stay here?"
"Well, we are. Literally." Liam says, motioning towards the unlit floor buttons. It's true. That lift hasn't moved an inch, beside the doors sliding shut.
Rae pokes her tongue out. "Sorry. I'm just waiting for a call. Ronan's sleeping right now. I just want to be near when he wakes up."
"That's fine with us, Rae." Harry tells her. He reaches forward, trying to tuck stray hairs back in her braid. Or, what's left of the braid, it's so messy.
Zayn silently agrees by nodding, followed by murmurs of the same. Louis just stares at her. Has been staring at her since they got on the lift, and Rae can't keep eye contact for long. She knows, for sure now, that he knows she's not just lying about her sleeves. He probably knows she's barely holding it together right now. Knows how much she wants to press her hand to her chest to try and stop the pain there. How she just wish she can stick her hand through her skin and bones, grab her heart and squeeze until veins tangle around her fingers and the sporadic pain fades away.
"My treat." Is all Louis tells her, then finally hits the lobby floor button.
***
An hour later, Rae gets the call that Ronan has woken up. They've finished eating lunch at that time, but Rae still gets up so quickly that she nearly knocks the table filled with their trays and rubbish over. She rushes out a quick apology, and speed walks out of the cafeteria. She doesn't realise anyone has followed until she steps inside the lift, and really, she should have expected it. Rae sort of just, deflates, like the small act of being completely fine she was putting on was too much for her, so she just presses her arm against Louis', back of her hand brushing his.
"That's not water on your sleeves, is it?" Louis questions, or rather, states.
"No." Rae confirms, shaking her head.
Louis takes her hand, interlocking their fingers together and squeezes once. Rae is tired. Tried and scared and she smells a little like vomit, medicine and antiseptic. They're alone in the lift, pressed against each other sides, her hand held tightly in Louis', the warmth of his skin spreading to hers. Like it's a blanket of comfort just pulled from the dyer and Louis is the one to lay it over her, to tuck her in and keep her safe. So Rae removes her metaphorical mask, throws it away so only Louis can see (and has been seeing, all of her, raw and open, for the past several months since the first crack he made).
She rests her head on his shoulder, her eyes falling shut and breathing in his smell of rain, subtle spicy musk and cotton. She feels when Louis presses his lips to the top of her head, and she tries not to think of how her hair may smell-hopefully like rain from the previous night- and smiles to herself.
It's quiet and cold, but it's nice. She welcomes the absence of screaming machines that beep and signal emergencies coming from different rooms in the ICU. The insistent, obnoxious sound of the seizure alarms, and the smaller rhythmic sounds of heart rate and oxygen machines. Welcomes the absent sounds of running footsteps, cries of pain; cries of loss. Rae doesn't realise how hard she's squeezing Louis' hand until she feels his lips grazing the ear not on his shoulder.
"Shhh, Raelyn. You're alright. It's okay." Louis coos, repeats to her and holds her hand and with both of his. "M'right here for you, love."
"Don't leave me." She says softly. Her voice sounds small and she hates its. She also missed the way Louis sounds like he caught the air in his throat.
***
Ronan is wide awake when they get back to his room, and he smiles like the sun when he sees Louis. He looks a littler better, the colour returning to his face and his eyes a little more alert. Rae kisses his cheeks, nose, forehead, top of his bald head, then a small peck on his lips, and Ronan giggles. Demands that Louis does the same.
"If you don't pay me in k-kisses then you can't have my Iron Man page." Ronan threatens. Crosses his arms and turns his nose up. It's ruined when he peaks at Louis from the corner of his eye.
"Excuse me!" Rae says affronted. "Iron Man is mine. I called dibs, remember."
"Oops!" Ronan laughs, coughs for a bit, then continues to laugh.
Rae unintentionally lifts her hands, waiting with bated breath until he settles down again. He's fine, given the way he's still laughing when Louis pays his dues, but Louis catches her eye and shoots her a look. He just knows. She mouths later to him, noticing one of the ICU doctors and nurses coming into the room.
They give the clear for Ronan to be transferred back to his original floor, but Rae's pulled aside and given extra precautions. The doctor, Telepeck is her surname, tells her that although Ronan's vitals are normal once more, there's a good change of them being abnormal again and that the weakness and pain he felt will most likely spread to his other limbs.
As she listens, she can feel her hand pressing roughly into her chest, rubbing the material against her skin. Telepeck questions if she's alright, and Rae once again wishes dresses had pockets so she can shove her hands in them. She assures she's fine and tells her to continue. It's a long list of things; warnings and percentage of chances and with a sad smile, Telepeck tries to sound hopeful and tells her if she or her family need anything else to call her. Rae thanks her, then joins Louis gathering the things her mother brought when Ronan moved.
The transfer only takes thirty minutes, and Ronan's given a warm welcome back by all the nurses on the day shift. There's Jackie at the desk, and Tammy who's usually one of the night nurses. Greg, who is the sweetest, nicest person she has ever had the pleasure meeting. Alissa, both Jessica's, Janice, Lindsay, Mark, and Maria. Rae sometimes forgets how invested all the nurses are to every single patient they have. That they all love them, as hard as they try not too, very much. One by one, they come in and entertain Ronan. During which MaryAnn shows up again and gives Rae new clothes; finally. She changes into a clean pair of jeans and blue tee shirt and flats, so simple and so much better than the day old outfit with stains.
Rae refuses to go home, tries to make her mother go instead, but like mother like daughter. MaryAnn is pulled into a meeting with Doctor Ramsy anyway, and Ronan takes another nap, as well as Rae. She doesn't mean to fall asleep, but the short pullout couch has been cleared off when Ronan moved, and is now empty and inviting. Louis has been sitting on it while Rae sang her brother to sleep once more.
Now she looks over at him, a wave of exhaustion crashing over her and she sort of, stumbles towards Louis. He catches her waist, her feet on his toes, and he smiles up at her. Rae apologetically smiles back then folds herself into the space between the arm of the seat and Louis. It turns out to be a tight fit, so she stretches her legs over Louis' lap and settles her head on the spot on his chest.
She can almost literally feel the question burning on the tip of Louis' tongue, can feel it when he inhales quietly, feels it with his fingers curling around hers. It's been a long day already, and the sun hasn't even set yet. Rae's not entirely sure if she's prepared to tell Louis what moving to the ICU meant; what the precautions and warnings Telepeck gave her means. What the meeting with her mum and Doctor Ramsy means. What is all could possibly mean, and if she answers Louis' question, it means she has to start coming to terms with it herself.
"Raelyn." Louis begins quietly.
"No." Rae pouts, turning her face into his shirt.
Louis rubs soothing circles between her shoulder blades, chuckling. "I know, babe. Please?"
Sighing, Rae forces herself to sit up, but keeps her legs over his lap. "Mum said he was complaining that his leg with hurting, and he fell while walking. Weakness in the leg is part of- erm- the Neuroblastoma. Or rather, a later stage of it. It can eventually spread through bones and- yeah. So he just fell and I guess his heart rate dropped and he suddenly had a fever and they had to move him into ICU because of it.
"They monitor his vitals up here, but ICU watches them around the clock. He's had a seizure before and cause of that can be a high fever. So they moved him there just to make sure he got the care he needed."
Unconsciously, Rae brings her hand to her chest, digging her nails and fingertips into her now exposed skin. She gets away with it for several moments, for Louis isn't looking at her, but at Ronan, frowning. When he does look back at her, he immediately grabs both hands, holding them tightly. She smiles gratefully and continues.
"The ICU doctor was telling me the chances of it spreading to his other leg are pretty high, and that Ronan's vitals might be inconsistent again. It was so scary Louis. Watching how high his heart rate got. 230. It got up to 230 at one point, and then he threw up medicine and old blood and he was choking on it. Choking.
"He couldn't breathe and all I could do was try to hold him up and watch his face- it was so red. Turned so incredible red and they used this air sucker thing to clear it out. Then he started crying and machines were beeping and it was loud and he said his stomach hurt. He wouldn't eat for a while-couldn't- I don't know. He's been so tired- and he didn't sleep well last night and I'm so fucking terrified."
"Rae, Rae look at me. Deep breathes, love, remember?" Louis is coaching, because Rae has mildly started to hyperventilate.
Rae just shakes her head. "No, Louis. Let me- I have to tell you how bloody scared I am. Because I don't know. I don't if this is it, if like Ronan will- he's sleeping. But like- what if he can't get up or walk or eat or sleep and what if singing doesn't help him and what if his fever gets high again or his heart rate, or he chokes and I'm not there for his blood to soak into me shirt, and what if-"
Rae's cut off, and it's not by words but Louis' lips. Which. Okay. That's one way of interrupting someone, and it's nice. Or should be nice, the feel of his lips against hers, firm and sort of bruising because he did it so quickly. Rae should just shut up and enjoy it, should just hand her mind and panic attacks to Louis and trust him like she's been trusting him all this time. However, she can't seem to catch her breath properly, like kissing gives it to you anyway, but suddenly she's gasping against Louis' mouth and pulling away.
"Oh god, sorry, sorry. Should have thought that through." Louis apologises frantically.
"No, it's alright." Rae inhales deeply, counts in her head up until six and stops. "Better, see? Can breathe now. Sorry."
Louis releases one of her hands to run his through her hair, the hopeless braid long gone. "You can't just think like that, Rae. Can't end up giving yourself a panic attack that leaves you out of commission. Ronan'll be the one to sing you to sleep then."
Rae smiles at that. "I think I'm just really tired. Hadn't had coffee or tea or just took a break really."
Louis nods, then shifts Rae around a little, pulling her closer to his chest. She's nearly on his lap now, and he places his hand over her chest, like he's blocking any assault her hand will cause. "Don't ever lose hope for you brother, love. He's been a fighter and if he's anything like his sister..."
Rae ducks her head down shyly. She glances over at Ronan, still sleeping soundlessly, beanie back on his head and a new stuff animal Zayn gave to him curled in his arm. "I love him so much, Louis."
"I don't ever doubt that, Rae. He loves you just the same." He kisses her forehead, then sort of leans her over as he reaches for a pillow.
The movement startles Rae, clutching tight to Louis' shirt as he grabs one of the neatly folded blankets as well. "Are you tucking me in?"
Louis just smiles, placing the pillow against the arm of the couch and the blanket over her legs. He makes her lie back, playfully pushing her down. Rae sticks out her tongue, Louis licks her nose. Rae can feel her nose scrunch up and retaliates by flicking his ear. Once Louis seems to get her to stay still, he leans down, forehead against hers, and she hope he can't hear the way her breath stops in her throat.
"Sleep now, I've got you." Louis whispers, lips grazing over hers.
There's this undeniable warmth blooming from Rae's chest, spreading throughout her body, reaching every limb, every finger tip, down to her toes. It's soothing and nice, tingling, electric and feels like hot coca after a snowy day. Like a fluffy blanket, coffee in the morning and tea at night; like a fireplace warming everything within it's vicinity. It's a warmth that comes directly from Louis, from his beautiful, deep blue eyes, with little specks of greens and darker blues, like the hotter embers that burn at the bottom of a flame.
Louis buries his fingers in the roots of her hair, gently massaging her scalp, as if he knows she's had a headache since she got the call from her mother. It feels like inexplicable trust, comfort, friendship, love, and Raelyn is suddenly so awake with that last one. Her heart is beating rapidly, and she's trying not to think about it, so she presses her lips more firmly against Louis'.
Ronan makes a soft snore, but for a second Rae pulls back thinking he woke. He doesn't move or sit up up, so she settles back against the couch seat, brushing Louis' hair across his forehead.
"Could you sing to me please?" She requests shyly.
"Of course, Rae. It's not like it's my job or anything." Louis teases and winks.
Rae rolls her eyes, places her hand atop his still on that spot on her chest and closes her eyes. When Louis' on the second verse of the second Ed Sheeran song he's singing, lowly as not to wake Ronan, Rae begins to fall asleep. Lets the pull of her dreams wash over her mind, and falls asleep between the lines; Settle down with me, and I'll be your safety, you'll be my lady and I was made to keep your body warm.
***
"Then I could be Iron Man 'cause he has a cool suit and then you can be Captain 'Merica and we can still be friends!" Ronan tells Liam like this is the breaking news story of the day.
"Why not Captain Britain?" Liam asks him, all while helping Ronan build legos.
Olivia giggles from where her and Harry are braiding Rae's hair, and says, "Because, silly! There is not a Captain Britain. Just 'Merica."
"Oh how silly of me to forget." Liam lightly smacks himself on his forehead.
Ronan smacks his own hand against Liam's head, but Rae notices the slight furrow to her brothers brow. "Ow."
It's a small pout, and Rae sits up a straighter, forgets the fingers pulling at her hair and tugs. "Ouch! Shi-itake mushrooms."
Harry snorts from behind her. "S'what you get for moving, bugger."
Rae attempts to swat behind her head at Harry's arm, only coming up with laughter at her failure. Instead, she sits still, watching while Liam looks over her brother hand, kisses it, double checks to make sure he's okay, then hands him another piece of lego. When she woke up two hours after she'd fallen asleep. Had woke to Ronan's cries of pain in his leg (again), she gave Louis permission to tell the other boys.
Now they're in the playroom with Ronan, Olivia, Tony and a new four year old name Angie. She's quiet and shy, but has taken an automatic liking to Niall when he gave her a plastic flower from the fake flower pot. Louis had stepped out to chat with Zayn, and when Rae looks over to the window, they're still out there. Talking with their heads close together and a frown on Louis' face, lips pulled down at the corner.
"RaeRae, stop moving!" Olivia scolds, "You'll messy up your hair."
"Yeah, RaeRae." Harry agrees, but he leans down to whisper in her ear. "He's just worried."
"About what?" Rae inquires quietly.
Somehow Olivia can tell from their low voices it isn't a conversation for her, so she hops down from next to Harry. She lovingly pats his thigh, then Rae's head, says "pretty princess." Then walks over to join Ronan, who now is sharing legos with Tony.
"S'not about Ro, is it?" Rae asks again.
Harry remains silent until he finishes the braid, fastening the end with the hair tie around his wrist. He slides off the chair, plopping himself next to her, shaking his head. He glances towards the door for a moment, then smiles back at Rae. It's a strange smile, like he knows something he's not allowed to tell anyone yet. Almost guilty, even.
"About you." Harry finally answers, poking her nose. "He's become quite fond of you, if you haven't noticed."
"I think I'm quite fond of him too." Rae mutters, trying to hide her smile.
"I think you're in love with him-" Harry bluntly states, but still quiet enough for her ears only. Rae opens her mouth to protest, or scold or anything, but Harry continues quickly. "But that's another story for another day. All I'm going to say that if he erm...tells you something. To just not be angry? That's what he's worried about. That you'll be angry with him due to short notice. And well, he worries about you because of-" Harry waves his hand in the direction of Ronan.
Rae sighs. "You know this isn't his thing to deal with. You lads don't have to take on anything, you should all know that. You've done so much not just for this Hospice, but for my family. Jesus Christ, don't you remember the money you all selflessly gave us? Taking on my worries, my fears, isn't his job. Or yours."
Harry hums in disagreement. "The second we became friends, the second Louis started caring for you, for Ronan, is the second we wanted to help. To take, not take it all, but make it a little bit easier for your family. Also, speaking of money, I gave your mum another check."
Rae fish mouths a few times. "I'm ignoring that for now, you absolute saint. But why-" she pauses. She looks over at Ronan now on Liam's lap, then to Louis still outside the door. "Why us? Why me? There's a whole Hospice full of other kids, other families. I'm no more special than anyone else here."
Harry fully turns his body to face her. He takes her hands in his, gold sprinkled in his green eyes like pixie dust, looking her straight into hers.
"Because you're the one he fell for." He says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
She wants to say something, anything along the lines of that still not being a good reason for them to do what they've all been doing. For what Louis has done for her, but her words remain in her throat, and there's commotion to her right that catches her eye. Ronan had hopped down from Liam's legs, which would be nothing abnormal, if it weren't for her brother wobbling on his feet. Liam holds him steady, questions if he's alright, if anything hurts, but Ronan shakes his head. However, there's a confused pout on his small lips, looking back up at Liam.
Rae watches. Watches as her little bother takes one step forward, then other, just out of Liam's hands. The third step he takes is the moment fear seizes around Raelyn's heart. Ronan falls; just drops to the floor like an anvil. Liam quickly scoops him up, checking over his legs and the hands he landed on. Ronan's bottom lip wobbles a little, but Niall who also saw the fall gets his attention. Niall pulls a funny face, which makes Ronan giggle and copy him, crossing his eyes for a moment. Liam finishes checking Ronan, double checks to make sure nothing is hurting. Ronan shakes his head, but keeps rubbing at his leg. Liam looks up, catching Rae's eyes.
"Rae. Raelyn." Harry's attempting to get her attention, tugging on her hands. Finally she tears her eyes away, looking back at Harry who's grimacing. "You've got quite the grip there."
When she looks down at their hands, Harry's fingertips are white, squeezed to hard by her own hands. She pulls her hands back like she touched fire, then notices her fingers trembling. Rae shifts her eyes over to her brother again, still being entertained by Niall and Liam.
"I need to talk to the doctor." Rae finally speaks, looking back at Harry. "That-that isn't normal. Harry he's not..."
"Alright, it's alright. Hey, none of that, Rae." Harry says, quickly pulling her hand away from her chest when she attempts to claw at it. "Let's take Ronan back. I'll go with you, okay?"
Rae nods and allows Harry to help her up. She waits by the door while Harry carefully gathers Ronan in his arms from Liam. Someone's waving at her on the other side of the window, and she ignores it until they softly tap against the glass. Louis is staring at her, concern written all over his face, etched deep into the colours of his eyes. Rae shakes her head, doesn't open the door until Harry meets her, holds it open for him, then follows.
"Ra," Ronan sniffles into Harry's shoulder. "M'leg and tummy hurt."
"I know, sweetie bug." Rae says softly, bending over to kiss his knee. "Want Harry and I to take you back?"
Ronan nods, holding out his hand for Rae's own. His small fingers clasp around four of hers, chilly skin against warmth. Rae frowns, but motions for Harry to lead the way. They make it half way to his room when Ronan falls asleep on Harry's shoulder, and Rae helps Harry tuck her brother in bed when they do reach Ronan's room. She entrust her sleeping brother to him, Louis and Zayn who both had been following and goes to find Dr. Ramsey.
***
"It's not as bad as it sounds?" Louis says optimistically, thought it sounds more like a question.
"He can hardly fucking walk, Lou! They gave him a bloody walker, which he can hardly use anyway!" Rae snaps, then realises this is Louis she's talking too, and deflates. "Sorry. It's just. Louis, you didn't see him fall, and Liam...I've never seen so scared like that. I don't know. I don't want to think about it right now. It's too much, and I'm tired and I just picked up another double shift tonight."
"Raelyn-" Louis reprimands, but Rae cuts him off.
"I have too. Ronan's got a new type of treatment and we'll need extra money and I swear to God if we get anymore checks from any of you, I will personally shove it up your arses."
"Well," Huffs Louis, crossing his arms. "That's not a very sanitary way of handling money, love. Might want to talk to your bank about that."
Rae literally smacks his thigh. "I hate you." She mutters.
She just pushes Louis' face away when he shoots her a knowing smile, so wide it makes the corner of his eyes crinkle. She keeps her thumb on one corner, over the crinkles, then sighs.
"Distract me. Tell me something I don't know, or like, do a hand stand."
Louis laughs brightly, taking her hand in his. He kisses the back of her hand, then leans over and smashes his lips against her cheek. It isn't soft, in fact, Rae isn't even sure it's considered a kiss. His chin is digging into her jawline, and his lips are making her cheek cave, her teeth accidentally biting the inside of her cheek.
However, Rae doesn't move, because Louis makes her heart do the opposite it was doing earlier. When it suffocates, Louis gives it air, when it begins to clench, Louis unwinds it. When it feels like it's filled with nothing but little spikes slamming against the inside of her chest, Louis is there to cushion it. Always there to anchor it when it starts to float away.
"Me and the lads are going to Paris." Louis confesses, his lips moving against her cheek.
"Oh?" Rae questions lightly.
Louis lets up some pressure, but noses along her cheekbone. "We're leaving Sunday night."
Rae takes a minute to process that information. Her conversation with Harry makes sense now. "Oh."
Louis sighs, pulling back. "We've got this album in the makes right, nearly finished. So we're going on a two week promotional tour for it. Play some shows, some TV appearances. We weren't suppose to leave until Monday, but Zayn told me our management moved it a day earlier."
"Oh." Rae says again, for lack of anything better. "That's...that's tomorrow."
"I'm sorry Rae, I really am. but-"
"Louis, there's no need to be sorry. It's your job, and you've all been on break for the past what, nearly a year? People miss you, y'know, your fans and what you do are important. It's alright. It's just fast. Really fast. Like...what if-"
She's cut off with Louis' hand over her mouth. "Love, if you start the 'what ifs' again, you're going to give yourself an aneurysm."
Rae licks his hand, and Louis rolls his eyes playfully, but keeps it there until she reaches up and tangles their fingers together. She pulls his hand away, fiddling his with fingers and tracing the swirls that make up his fingerprints. She tries not to think of what could happen, hopefully doesn't happen. Trying to imagine how she did all of this without Louis before she met him.
It was like she was just floating along; performing everyday routines and having to hide the marks on her chest from strangers, from her own family. She can't even remember the last time she had a welt mark her chest, or the last time she actually drew blood. Rae presses the palm of Louis' hand to her chest, just below her collarbones.
"Your heart's beating a little fast." Louis whispers after a few moments. Rae nods in acknowledgement. "It's only for two weeks. We'll be back before you know it and-"
"What are we?" Rae interrupts abruptly.
"Uh-what?" Louis frowns in bemusement.
"I was just wondering, what we are. Like, are we just dating or are we at the place where the girl waits by the window for her sweetheart to return, longing the days he'll be in her arms again."
Louis actually laughs at that. "First, there's no way in hell you would ever sit idly by a window waiting. I wouldn't want you to either. You're not a piner, darling."
"I could be!" Rae protests. She can't keep a straight face.
"Right, and Zayn can wake up ugly."
"Louis. Zayn and that horrid word do not belong in the sentence together."
"You Rae, are an absolute shit." Louis leans in, smacking a kiss to her cheek again. Rae beams.
"And-" He hooks a finger under chin, tilting her head to face him straight on. He softly places his lips against hers, and Rae thinks the term takes my breath away applies to kisses as soft and tender as this. Louis pulls away from her and continues. "I'll just throw the word girlfriend out there. If you'll catch it...otherwise this is quite awkward."
"'If you'll catch it.'" Rae teases lightly. "That was really corny. I thought you had better than that." Louis glares at her, and Rae is pretty sure she now lives only to make him attempt a heated glare thrown her way. He's been failing.
"Alright then." Rae says simply.
"Alright?" The smile spreading on Louis' lips is making his eyes crinkle again.
Rae leans in, pressing a quick kiss to Louis lips. "Alright."
"Thought you'd be angry, actually." Louis mumbles under his breath. Rae hears it anyway.
"Why?"
"Short notice."
The silence between them lasts much longer this time. Rae's mind filled with a jumbled web of thoughts, all 'what ifs' and 'what'll happen'. She has her mum, she has her close friends, but two weeks without Louis, without the four other boys in the midst of Ronan's
complications scares her. Terrifies her. But she's not selfish enough to voice her thoughts. Doesn't want Louis to apologise for something he's always dreamed of doing, a dream him and his best mates are living out. Rae forgets she's still pressing Louis' hand against her chest, and if he could feel how fast it was beating earlier, he can feel it jackhammer now.
"Paris?" She inquires softly.
"Paris." Louis confirms.
***********************************************************************************************************
Rae wakes up to the sound of obnoxious buzzing. For a several moments she's confused, wonders why her neck is a little stiff. Blinking her eyes opens, she suddenly remembers her date with Louis, and falling asleep on the couch. When she reaches for her phone, she spots a yellow sticky note with his handwriting.
Sorry love. Had to leave, meetings in the morning. You're cute when you're sleeping. -L
Then she answers her phone, her smile slipping off her face when she hears the tears in her mothers voice. Rae's off the couch in a flash, racing upstairs to grab her phone charger and keys, before rushing out the door. Not even noticing she's in the same outfit as the night before; not as if she'd care about that at the moment.
When Rae arrives at the Hospice, she parks haphazardly, having to squeeze herself between her door and the car next to her. She barely greets the nurse at the lobby desk in her rush to get to the lifts. Which seem to take their sweet, agonizing time. Once she's in the lift, she jams her finger on the fifth floor button, then repeatedly stabs at the 'close doors' button. Mumbling curses under her breathe when it still takes it's time.
It's strange, having to go to a new floor and not the normal terminally ill one. Different having to actually wait outside the doors and call in to the ward to be buzzed in. She reaches the new room, after following the signs down the long hallway. She has to mentally calm herself, inhales deeply, counting backwards in her head. Then she quietly opens the door.
Her mother is sitting in an armchair next to Ronan's bed, a book in her lap. She isn't reading though, Rae notices. Her eyes are staring blankly at the page in front of her. She looks up when she hears Rae, and offers a small smile.
"Is he-?" Rae begins to ask, but her mum nods.
"He's stable. Had a bit of a scare. Had no choice but to move him to ICU." MaryAnn informs her, closing the book and setting it on the bedside table. "Mainly for precautions."
"I don't understand. What happened?"
Her mother sighs, long and weary, it sounds like years of exhaustion and fear. "He just..collapsed. On the way to the playroom, he said his leg was hurting and just fell down. They're monitoring his vitals constantly now, he's been running a low fever since last night, and his heart rate is above normal."
"Do you think he could have another seizure?" Rae questions anxiously, pressing her hand to her chest. She pulls it away when she notices her mother eye the same hand.
"Not sure. They're watching him closely though. He did have a chemo session today, but they're holding off for a few more hours."
Rae nods, and makes sure she avoids looking at her brother too hard. Instead she gives her mother a long hug. "Go home, mum. Get some sleep. I can stay here."
"Are you sure, darling? I don't mind." Her mum smiles, pulling back and brushing her fingers through Rae's messy hair.
"I'll be fine, mum." Rae assures her.
"Alright then. How was your date?" MaryAnn questions, quietly gathering her things.
Rae bites back a genuine smile. "It was great...and wet. Since it rained most of the time. He's so lovely, mum."
MaryAnn smiles again and Rae can see how exhausted she is. Her clothes from the night before are wrinkled in places and her makeup is smeared around her eyes. Her eyelids are a little swollen from previously shed tears.
"I'm glad you had a good time. I'll bring you clean clothes after I take a nap." MaryAnn promises.
Raelyn watches her from the corner of her eye as she bends over a sleeping Ronan, murmuring something, then kisses his forehead and cheeks. She gives the same kisses to Rae, hugging her once more, thanking her.
"No rush, mummy. Just rest, yeah? Maybe call Jasper for lunch or something?" Rae smiles, boldly winking.
MaryAnn just playfully hip checks her daughter in response.
***
Ronan wakes up an hour later when Rae is half asleep, curled up in the new armchair the room provides. She's startled back to full consciousnesses when Ronan gasps and begins coughing uncontrollably. Rae rushes over to him, careful of the wires he's hooked up too, forcing him to sit up and lightly thumps on his back. His face is turning red, tears filling his blue eyes, sputtering and choking. Suddenly, Ronan is throwing up, deep red liquid that runs down his chin and onto Rae's arms, soaking into the edges of her sleeves. Rae panics.
She leans over to hit the on-call button without letting go of her brother at the same time. They respond quickly, rushing in and immediately assessing the situation. They use a small air vacuum tube behind the bed, sticking it in Ronan's mouth and sucking out what he's choking on. Once they get Ronan's airwaves unblocked, they begin to clean him up.
It's turns out he threw up some of the medicine he was given the morning before Rae arrived, and more terrifyingly, the deep red was old blood having built up in his stomach. As much as Rae can feel the clenching in her chest, the mess of anxious fear twisting in her stomach, she ignores it, because Ronan is crying.
"It hurts, it hurts!" He's rasps, sobbing into Rae's chest, clutching -weakly- at her dress sleeves. He cries more then when nurses change his clothes into a gown.
He keeps rubbing at his throat and Rae looks up helplessly at one of the nurses. She explains how the medicine (which she informs her is alcohol based) with the acid reflex more than burnt his throat coming up, then turns to the sink to grab Ronan a cup of water. One of the nurses physically has to drag Raelyn away, and make her wash her hands and arms in the sink. She's glad, in a dark humorless, ironic way, that her dress is the same colour as the vomit. She doesn't know if she can handling seeing it stain any other colour.
After the siblings are both cleaned up, Rae does the only thing she can think of besides encouraging words; she sings to him. Sings until his tears have subsided, and the burn in his throat fades. Sings a made up song as the nurses try to get him to eat. He refuses, pushing the spoon away from his mouth.
Ronan shakes his head, pouting. "M'tummy hurts." He finally and only, after an hour of trying, eats when Rae takes a bite. So she takes small nibbles of yogurt and feeds her brother the rest.
She sings when he cries again, missing his friends on the old floor. Sings when more nurses come in, along with someone fully dressed in a surgical gown. The hematology nurse is just drawing blood for tests , but it terrifies Ronan, causing his heart rate to skyrocket and setting alarms on the machines off. Loud constant beeps that Rae tries to sing over. She sings songs about somewhere over rainbows and of vegetables singing silly songs about lips.
"If my lips said adios, I don't like you
I think you're gross, that's be too bad, I might get mad."
The last one makes Ronan giggle, and his blood is drawn and the scary nurse leaves the room, smiling sadly. Rae has to pause when Ronan tells her he has to go to the loo. He needs help getting on his feet, and slowly takes the few steps it takes to get to the door in the same room. He's holding on to Rae's hand, and once they reach the door, Rae asks if he needs help.
"No, Ra-Ra! I'm a big boy!" Ronan beams up at her. Wide blue eyes the colour of innocence.
He's smiling now, but Rae remembers just two hours ago, and it's kind of scary to think of that crying boy in pain as the same one. So, Rae sings the potty song she made up for him two years ago. Ronan giggles again, shouting through the door that he no longer needs it. However, when Rae stops singing it, Ronan is calling her name, begging her to sing it again. Rae sings when Ronan's vitals are being taken, and during this, he begins requesting songs.
"The one where One Dertenttion sounds pretty." Ronan smiles, then pouts when a nurse put on the arm cuff to check his blood pressure.
Rae laughs. "Direction, Bud, and of course. That one! How silly of me to forget." She pokes his nose, distracting him from the cuff.
"Silly." He repeats. "The one where you said Louis sounds the prettiest, Ra-Ra. That one."
"I think he always sounds pretty." Rae mutters. "But...erm..."
Ronan taps her hand, then points at the cup of tea she got early, sitting on the bedside table. She smiles in acknowledgment, then begins singing Little Things to him; it's his favorite song. She sings to distract him from the tight squeezing of the cuff. Continues to sing when they change his IV bag, and put in a new needle since the hand it was previously in became swollen. She still sings even when he's curled up in her arms, snuggled up on his side, falling asleep to the lyrics flowing soothingly from her mouth.
Ronan's been asleep for the past hour when Rae absolutely (even though she would love to stay next to her brother cuddled up) has to move. Her throat is a little raw from singing for hours, and she's quite hungry; plus she's had to use the toilet for the past hour. So slowly, as quietly as she can, slips her arm out from under Ronan, and rolls over until she- ungracefully -lands on the floor. She dubs herself the ninja master of slipping away from sleeping brothers when all Ronan does is sniffle. Rae, feeling a little bad, takes the dinosaur toy she gave him several months back and puts it under his arm.
She uses the loo, then checks her phone, blinking in surprise at the eight missed called, and fifteen text messages. It's a good thing she's in Ronan's room, can physically see that he's peacefully sleeping. Otherwise she'd be having a panic attack, nails digging into her skin and all.
Only one text is from her mother, explaining she had a good nap and is now having a nice lunch with Jasper. Rae smiles at that, then checks to see that most of the calls and texts are from Louis. She suddenly, sort of, regrets keeping her phone on silent; almost. Rae sneaks out of Ronan's room, turning and nearly bumping into a nurse about to go in.
"Please," Rae pleads softly, "please don't wake him up. He needs to sleep, but could you call my phone when he does wakes up?"
The nurse, Ryan, looks at her confused for a moment, before smiling. "I can do that. I was actually coming to tell you that Ronan could possibly be moved back to the seventh floor today. If his vitals stay consistent."
"Really?" Rae asks excitedly, remembering to keep her voice down.
"S'what his doctor told us. The medicine just didn't sit well with his stomach, and it looks like his fever is going down." Ryan answers. He takes Rae's number when she give it to him, waving as she makes her way out through the doors.
Rae reaches the lift area, then finds a spot by the large window against the wall. She sits on the bench, dialing back one of Louis' many missed calls. Briefly, she wonders if he's alright, what brought him to call her that many times; even just after seeing her not twenty hours ago. Maybe someone found out about their date last night and he was calling to warn her. Rae frowns, really hoping that isn't the case, she can't deal with another rouge paparazzo now. Before she can come up with any more options, Louis answers.
"Raelyn! Are you alright, love? Is Ronan okay? I don't know where you are." He's spouting frantically, sounding a little breathless even.
"Louis- what?" Rae questions in confusion. "What are you talking about?
"We got here and Ronan wasn't in his room, and you weren't there and you weren't answering me calls or texts, so I thought-"
It dawns on Rae quickly, her mouth opening in a small oh when she realizes what he thought. Instantly she feels bad for making him even think that's what happened.
"No, Louis no. He's okay, he's fine. Or actually, he's better. I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were coming today, I would've told you. Ronan had some complications last night. He was moved to ICU for the night. I'll explain more when I see you. But he's fine. I'm fi- well, Ronan's okay."
She hears Louis sigh in relief, then he relays the information back to whoever he's with. She's assuming it's the other four boys, probably all just as worried as Louis. His words are muffled a little, as if he took the phone away from his mouth, holding his hand over the mouthpiece.
"That's good. We're glad to hear that." Louis sighs again. "I may have given meself a proper scare there. Me mind just jumped..."
Rae stands when she sees the lifts open, walking over and getting inside. "I would have told you if-"
"I know, Rae. You don't have to say it- I'm sorry."
Rae rolls her eyes, pressing the button to the 7th floor, because Louis has no reason to be sorry. "I'm the one who's sorry. Didn't mean to wig you out. Are you still there? I'm coming up."
"Still here, yeah." There's a bit of commotion on his side, and she has to pull her phone away when there's a shout. Then-
"Raelyn! Are you hungry!? Please say you're hungry because I've been starving over 'ere and these pricks are just letting me waste away. Even if they don't want food, I want food. Do you want food? We'll get food together. Make Lou real jealous, because you obviously like me better."
Rae is laughing, bright and loud and it startles the only person in the lift with her; an older woman with a visitor's pass. The woman quickly exists the lift when it reaches the sixth floor.
"Niall, you are my absolute favourite, you know that. I'd love to get some food with you."
"D'ya 'ear that!?" Niall is shouting again. Rae figures they're outside the actual ward, otherwise they'd be kicked out due to disturbing patients. "She says I'm her favourite, and better than all of you and thinks I'm prettier than Louis. Ha! She likes me better."
Rae scoffs."'Course you're prettier."
"Well, Zayn is prettier than everyone."
Rae agrees. The lift comes to the seventh floor, and when the doors open, she's immediately met with five beaming faces. Well, four, considering Louis is scowling at Niall. Rae laughs again, hanging up and sliding her phone in her boot. Her dress as no pockets; shame, dresses should have pockets. She doesn't even get off, for they all come into the lift.
Niall greets her with a sloppy, big kiss on her cheek. Smacking his lips against her skin, then smushes his face against hers, hugging her tightly. He doesn't let go, and she's rather glad about that. She hasn't let herself think too hard on why Ronan ended in the ICU in the first place. Niall is a very welcoming distraction.
"Have you not changed?" Louis is asking, scowl gone, replaced with concern. "What's that on your sleeve?"
Niall makes to pull away, but Rae tightens her arm around his waist and keeps him there. "Erm...I kinda rushed here in the morning."
Rae shrugs, Niall's arm moving with the motion. She hasn't really taken a good look at herself, and frankly she would rather not. She knows her makeup is probably smeared, and her hair is messy and tangled. Her clothes are possibly wrinkled in several places, one of her boots is scrunched lower than the other. Even though the vomit was the same shade as her dress, it still left dark stains around the edges, and if she were to sniff it, it'd probably, most likely will smell of stomach acid and medicine.
Sheepishly, Rae looks down at her feet, and plays with the frays of Niall's bracelet. "Didn't have time to change. And don't ask what's on my sleeve. Water, yeah. Just water."
Niall, the strange boy he can be some times, pinches said fabric between his thumb and forefinger. Rae looks at him, slightly appalled when he lifts his fingers to his nose and sniffs. All Niall gives away is a blink of his eyes, smiles down at Rae and says-
"Just water, mate."
Rae beams at him. She can feel her cheeks scrunching up her eyes and she suddenly has this burst of affection for Niall, blooming inside her chest where it takes over the pain from earlier. When she looks back at Louis, she knows he knows they're lying, going by the skeptical look in his eyes. However, he just accepts it, then loudly announces they're going to a sushi place down the street.
"Actually," Rae begins tentatively, "could we maybe, just stay here?"
"Well, we are. Literally." Liam says, motioning towards the unlit floor buttons. It's true. That lift hasn't moved an inch, beside the doors sliding shut.
Rae pokes her tongue out. "Sorry. I'm just waiting for a call. Ronan's sleeping right now. I just want to be near when he wakes up."
"That's fine with us, Rae." Harry tells her. He reaches forward, trying to tuck stray hairs back in her braid. Or, what's left of the braid, it's so messy.
Zayn silently agrees by nodding, followed by murmurs of the same. Louis just stares at her. Has been staring at her since they got on the lift, and Rae can't keep eye contact for long. She knows, for sure now, that he knows she's not just lying about her sleeves. He probably knows she's barely holding it together right now. Knows how much she wants to press her hand to her chest to try and stop the pain there. How she just wish she can stick her hand through her skin and bones, grab her heart and squeeze until veins tangle around her fingers and the sporadic pain fades away.
"My treat." Is all Louis tells her, then finally hits the lobby floor button.
***
An hour later, Rae gets the call that Ronan has woken up. They've finished eating lunch at that time, but Rae still gets up so quickly that she nearly knocks the table filled with their trays and rubbish over. She rushes out a quick apology, and speed walks out of the cafeteria. She doesn't realise anyone has followed until she steps inside the lift, and really, she should have expected it. Rae sort of just, deflates, like the small act of being completely fine she was putting on was too much for her, so she just presses her arm against Louis', back of her hand brushing his.
"That's not water on your sleeves, is it?" Louis questions, or rather, states.
"No." Rae confirms, shaking her head.
Louis takes her hand, interlocking their fingers together and squeezes once. Rae is tired. Tried and scared and she smells a little like vomit, medicine and antiseptic. They're alone in the lift, pressed against each other sides, her hand held tightly in Louis', the warmth of his skin spreading to hers. Like it's a blanket of comfort just pulled from the dyer and Louis is the one to lay it over her, to tuck her in and keep her safe. So Rae removes her metaphorical mask, throws it away so only Louis can see (and has been seeing, all of her, raw and open, for the past several months since the first crack he made).
She rests her head on his shoulder, her eyes falling shut and breathing in his smell of rain, subtle spicy musk and cotton. She feels when Louis presses his lips to the top of her head, and she tries not to think of how her hair may smell-hopefully like rain from the previous night- and smiles to herself.
It's quiet and cold, but it's nice. She welcomes the absence of screaming machines that beep and signal emergencies coming from different rooms in the ICU. The insistent, obnoxious sound of the seizure alarms, and the smaller rhythmic sounds of heart rate and oxygen machines. Welcomes the absent sounds of running footsteps, cries of pain; cries of loss. Rae doesn't realise how hard she's squeezing Louis' hand until she feels his lips grazing the ear not on his shoulder.
"Shhh, Raelyn. You're alright. It's okay." Louis coos, repeats to her and holds her hand and with both of his. "M'right here for you, love."
"Don't leave me." She says softly. Her voice sounds small and she hates its. She also missed the way Louis sounds like he caught the air in his throat.
***
Ronan is wide awake when they get back to his room, and he smiles like the sun when he sees Louis. He looks a littler better, the colour returning to his face and his eyes a little more alert. Rae kisses his cheeks, nose, forehead, top of his bald head, then a small peck on his lips, and Ronan giggles. Demands that Louis does the same.
"If you don't pay me in k-kisses then you can't have my Iron Man page." Ronan threatens. Crosses his arms and turns his nose up. It's ruined when he peaks at Louis from the corner of his eye.
"Excuse me!" Rae says affronted. "Iron Man is mine. I called dibs, remember."
"Oops!" Ronan laughs, coughs for a bit, then continues to laugh.
Rae unintentionally lifts her hands, waiting with bated breath until he settles down again. He's fine, given the way he's still laughing when Louis pays his dues, but Louis catches her eye and shoots her a look. He just knows. She mouths later to him, noticing one of the ICU doctors and nurses coming into the room.
They give the clear for Ronan to be transferred back to his original floor, but Rae's pulled aside and given extra precautions. The doctor, Telepeck is her surname, tells her that although Ronan's vitals are normal once more, there's a good change of them being abnormal again and that the weakness and pain he felt will most likely spread to his other limbs.
As she listens, she can feel her hand pressing roughly into her chest, rubbing the material against her skin. Telepeck questions if she's alright, and Rae once again wishes dresses had pockets so she can shove her hands in them. She assures she's fine and tells her to continue. It's a long list of things; warnings and percentage of chances and with a sad smile, Telepeck tries to sound hopeful and tells her if she or her family need anything else to call her. Rae thanks her, then joins Louis gathering the things her mother brought when Ronan moved.
The transfer only takes thirty minutes, and Ronan's given a warm welcome back by all the nurses on the day shift. There's Jackie at the desk, and Tammy who's usually one of the night nurses. Greg, who is the sweetest, nicest person she has ever had the pleasure meeting. Alissa, both Jessica's, Janice, Lindsay, Mark, and Maria. Rae sometimes forgets how invested all the nurses are to every single patient they have. That they all love them, as hard as they try not too, very much. One by one, they come in and entertain Ronan. During which MaryAnn shows up again and gives Rae new clothes; finally. She changes into a clean pair of jeans and blue tee shirt and flats, so simple and so much better than the day old outfit with stains.
Rae refuses to go home, tries to make her mother go instead, but like mother like daughter. MaryAnn is pulled into a meeting with Doctor Ramsy anyway, and Ronan takes another nap, as well as Rae. She doesn't mean to fall asleep, but the short pullout couch has been cleared off when Ronan moved, and is now empty and inviting. Louis has been sitting on it while Rae sang her brother to sleep once more.
Now she looks over at him, a wave of exhaustion crashing over her and she sort of, stumbles towards Louis. He catches her waist, her feet on his toes, and he smiles up at her. Rae apologetically smiles back then folds herself into the space between the arm of the seat and Louis. It turns out to be a tight fit, so she stretches her legs over Louis' lap and settles her head on the spot on his chest.
She can almost literally feel the question burning on the tip of Louis' tongue, can feel it when he inhales quietly, feels it with his fingers curling around hers. It's been a long day already, and the sun hasn't even set yet. Rae's not entirely sure if she's prepared to tell Louis what moving to the ICU meant; what the precautions and warnings Telepeck gave her means. What the meeting with her mum and Doctor Ramsy means. What is all could possibly mean, and if she answers Louis' question, it means she has to start coming to terms with it herself.
"Raelyn." Louis begins quietly.
"No." Rae pouts, turning her face into his shirt.
Louis rubs soothing circles between her shoulder blades, chuckling. "I know, babe. Please?"
Sighing, Rae forces herself to sit up, but keeps her legs over his lap. "Mum said he was complaining that his leg with hurting, and he fell while walking. Weakness in the leg is part of- erm- the Neuroblastoma. Or rather, a later stage of it. It can eventually spread through bones and- yeah. So he just fell and I guess his heart rate dropped and he suddenly had a fever and they had to move him into ICU because of it.
"They monitor his vitals up here, but ICU watches them around the clock. He's had a seizure before and cause of that can be a high fever. So they moved him there just to make sure he got the care he needed."
Unconsciously, Rae brings her hand to her chest, digging her nails and fingertips into her now exposed skin. She gets away with it for several moments, for Louis isn't looking at her, but at Ronan, frowning. When he does look back at her, he immediately grabs both hands, holding them tightly. She smiles gratefully and continues.
"The ICU doctor was telling me the chances of it spreading to his other leg are pretty high, and that Ronan's vitals might be inconsistent again. It was so scary Louis. Watching how high his heart rate got. 230. It got up to 230 at one point, and then he threw up medicine and old blood and he was choking on it. Choking.
"He couldn't breathe and all I could do was try to hold him up and watch his face- it was so red. Turned so incredible red and they used this air sucker thing to clear it out. Then he started crying and machines were beeping and it was loud and he said his stomach hurt. He wouldn't eat for a while-couldn't- I don't know. He's been so tired- and he didn't sleep well last night and I'm so fucking terrified."
"Rae, Rae look at me. Deep breathes, love, remember?" Louis is coaching, because Rae has mildly started to hyperventilate.
Rae just shakes her head. "No, Louis. Let me- I have to tell you how bloody scared I am. Because I don't know. I don't if this is it, if like Ronan will- he's sleeping. But like- what if he can't get up or walk or eat or sleep and what if singing doesn't help him and what if his fever gets high again or his heart rate, or he chokes and I'm not there for his blood to soak into me shirt, and what if-"
Rae's cut off, and it's not by words but Louis' lips. Which. Okay. That's one way of interrupting someone, and it's nice. Or should be nice, the feel of his lips against hers, firm and sort of bruising because he did it so quickly. Rae should just shut up and enjoy it, should just hand her mind and panic attacks to Louis and trust him like she's been trusting him all this time. However, she can't seem to catch her breath properly, like kissing gives it to you anyway, but suddenly she's gasping against Louis' mouth and pulling away.
"Oh god, sorry, sorry. Should have thought that through." Louis apologises frantically.
"No, it's alright." Rae inhales deeply, counts in her head up until six and stops. "Better, see? Can breathe now. Sorry."
Louis releases one of her hands to run his through her hair, the hopeless braid long gone. "You can't just think like that, Rae. Can't end up giving yourself a panic attack that leaves you out of commission. Ronan'll be the one to sing you to sleep then."
Rae smiles at that. "I think I'm just really tired. Hadn't had coffee or tea or just took a break really."
Louis nods, then shifts Rae around a little, pulling her closer to his chest. She's nearly on his lap now, and he places his hand over her chest, like he's blocking any assault her hand will cause. "Don't ever lose hope for you brother, love. He's been a fighter and if he's anything like his sister..."
Rae ducks her head down shyly. She glances over at Ronan, still sleeping soundlessly, beanie back on his head and a new stuff animal Zayn gave to him curled in his arm. "I love him so much, Louis."
"I don't ever doubt that, Rae. He loves you just the same." He kisses her forehead, then sort of leans her over as he reaches for a pillow.
The movement startles Rae, clutching tight to Louis' shirt as he grabs one of the neatly folded blankets as well. "Are you tucking me in?"
Louis just smiles, placing the pillow against the arm of the couch and the blanket over her legs. He makes her lie back, playfully pushing her down. Rae sticks out her tongue, Louis licks her nose. Rae can feel her nose scrunch up and retaliates by flicking his ear. Once Louis seems to get her to stay still, he leans down, forehead against hers, and she hope he can't hear the way her breath stops in her throat.
"Sleep now, I've got you." Louis whispers, lips grazing over hers.
There's this undeniable warmth blooming from Rae's chest, spreading throughout her body, reaching every limb, every finger tip, down to her toes. It's soothing and nice, tingling, electric and feels like hot coca after a snowy day. Like a fluffy blanket, coffee in the morning and tea at night; like a fireplace warming everything within it's vicinity. It's a warmth that comes directly from Louis, from his beautiful, deep blue eyes, with little specks of greens and darker blues, like the hotter embers that burn at the bottom of a flame.
Louis buries his fingers in the roots of her hair, gently massaging her scalp, as if he knows she's had a headache since she got the call from her mother. It feels like inexplicable trust, comfort, friendship, love, and Raelyn is suddenly so awake with that last one. Her heart is beating rapidly, and she's trying not to think about it, so she presses her lips more firmly against Louis'.
Ronan makes a soft snore, but for a second Rae pulls back thinking he woke. He doesn't move or sit up up, so she settles back against the couch seat, brushing Louis' hair across his forehead.
"Could you sing to me please?" She requests shyly.
"Of course, Rae. It's not like it's my job or anything." Louis teases and winks.
Rae rolls her eyes, places her hand atop his still on that spot on her chest and closes her eyes. When Louis' on the second verse of the second Ed Sheeran song he's singing, lowly as not to wake Ronan, Rae begins to fall asleep. Lets the pull of her dreams wash over her mind, and falls asleep between the lines; Settle down with me, and I'll be your safety, you'll be my lady and I was made to keep your body warm.
***
"Then I could be Iron Man 'cause he has a cool suit and then you can be Captain 'Merica and we can still be friends!" Ronan tells Liam like this is the breaking news story of the day.
"Why not Captain Britain?" Liam asks him, all while helping Ronan build legos.
Olivia giggles from where her and Harry are braiding Rae's hair, and says, "Because, silly! There is not a Captain Britain. Just 'Merica."
"Oh how silly of me to forget." Liam lightly smacks himself on his forehead.
Ronan smacks his own hand against Liam's head, but Rae notices the slight furrow to her brothers brow. "Ow."
It's a small pout, and Rae sits up a straighter, forgets the fingers pulling at her hair and tugs. "Ouch! Shi-itake mushrooms."
Harry snorts from behind her. "S'what you get for moving, bugger."
Rae attempts to swat behind her head at Harry's arm, only coming up with laughter at her failure. Instead, she sits still, watching while Liam looks over her brother hand, kisses it, double checks to make sure he's okay, then hands him another piece of lego. When she woke up two hours after she'd fallen asleep. Had woke to Ronan's cries of pain in his leg (again), she gave Louis permission to tell the other boys.
Now they're in the playroom with Ronan, Olivia, Tony and a new four year old name Angie. She's quiet and shy, but has taken an automatic liking to Niall when he gave her a plastic flower from the fake flower pot. Louis had stepped out to chat with Zayn, and when Rae looks over to the window, they're still out there. Talking with their heads close together and a frown on Louis' face, lips pulled down at the corner.
"RaeRae, stop moving!" Olivia scolds, "You'll messy up your hair."
"Yeah, RaeRae." Harry agrees, but he leans down to whisper in her ear. "He's just worried."
"About what?" Rae inquires quietly.
Somehow Olivia can tell from their low voices it isn't a conversation for her, so she hops down from next to Harry. She lovingly pats his thigh, then Rae's head, says "pretty princess." Then walks over to join Ronan, who now is sharing legos with Tony.
"S'not about Ro, is it?" Rae asks again.
Harry remains silent until he finishes the braid, fastening the end with the hair tie around his wrist. He slides off the chair, plopping himself next to her, shaking his head. He glances towards the door for a moment, then smiles back at Rae. It's a strange smile, like he knows something he's not allowed to tell anyone yet. Almost guilty, even.
"About you." Harry finally answers, poking her nose. "He's become quite fond of you, if you haven't noticed."
"I think I'm quite fond of him too." Rae mutters, trying to hide her smile.
"I think you're in love with him-" Harry bluntly states, but still quiet enough for her ears only. Rae opens her mouth to protest, or scold or anything, but Harry continues quickly. "But that's another story for another day. All I'm going to say that if he erm...tells you something. To just not be angry? That's what he's worried about. That you'll be angry with him due to short notice. And well, he worries about you because of-" Harry waves his hand in the direction of Ronan.
Rae sighs. "You know this isn't his thing to deal with. You lads don't have to take on anything, you should all know that. You've done so much not just for this Hospice, but for my family. Jesus Christ, don't you remember the money you all selflessly gave us? Taking on my worries, my fears, isn't his job. Or yours."
Harry hums in disagreement. "The second we became friends, the second Louis started caring for you, for Ronan, is the second we wanted to help. To take, not take it all, but make it a little bit easier for your family. Also, speaking of money, I gave your mum another check."
Rae fish mouths a few times. "I'm ignoring that for now, you absolute saint. But why-" she pauses. She looks over at Ronan now on Liam's lap, then to Louis still outside the door. "Why us? Why me? There's a whole Hospice full of other kids, other families. I'm no more special than anyone else here."
Harry fully turns his body to face her. He takes her hands in his, gold sprinkled in his green eyes like pixie dust, looking her straight into hers.
"Because you're the one he fell for." He says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
She wants to say something, anything along the lines of that still not being a good reason for them to do what they've all been doing. For what Louis has done for her, but her words remain in her throat, and there's commotion to her right that catches her eye. Ronan had hopped down from Liam's legs, which would be nothing abnormal, if it weren't for her brother wobbling on his feet. Liam holds him steady, questions if he's alright, if anything hurts, but Ronan shakes his head. However, there's a confused pout on his small lips, looking back up at Liam.
Rae watches. Watches as her little bother takes one step forward, then other, just out of Liam's hands. The third step he takes is the moment fear seizes around Raelyn's heart. Ronan falls; just drops to the floor like an anvil. Liam quickly scoops him up, checking over his legs and the hands he landed on. Ronan's bottom lip wobbles a little, but Niall who also saw the fall gets his attention. Niall pulls a funny face, which makes Ronan giggle and copy him, crossing his eyes for a moment. Liam finishes checking Ronan, double checks to make sure nothing is hurting. Ronan shakes his head, but keeps rubbing at his leg. Liam looks up, catching Rae's eyes.
"Rae. Raelyn." Harry's attempting to get her attention, tugging on her hands. Finally she tears her eyes away, looking back at Harry who's grimacing. "You've got quite the grip there."
When she looks down at their hands, Harry's fingertips are white, squeezed to hard by her own hands. She pulls her hands back like she touched fire, then notices her fingers trembling. Rae shifts her eyes over to her brother again, still being entertained by Niall and Liam.
"I need to talk to the doctor." Rae finally speaks, looking back at Harry. "That-that isn't normal. Harry he's not..."
"Alright, it's alright. Hey, none of that, Rae." Harry says, quickly pulling her hand away from her chest when she attempts to claw at it. "Let's take Ronan back. I'll go with you, okay?"
Rae nods and allows Harry to help her up. She waits by the door while Harry carefully gathers Ronan in his arms from Liam. Someone's waving at her on the other side of the window, and she ignores it until they softly tap against the glass. Louis is staring at her, concern written all over his face, etched deep into the colours of his eyes. Rae shakes her head, doesn't open the door until Harry meets her, holds it open for him, then follows.
"Ra," Ronan sniffles into Harry's shoulder. "M'leg and tummy hurt."
"I know, sweetie bug." Rae says softly, bending over to kiss his knee. "Want Harry and I to take you back?"
Ronan nods, holding out his hand for Rae's own. His small fingers clasp around four of hers, chilly skin against warmth. Rae frowns, but motions for Harry to lead the way. They make it half way to his room when Ronan falls asleep on Harry's shoulder, and Rae helps Harry tuck her brother in bed when they do reach Ronan's room. She entrust her sleeping brother to him, Louis and Zayn who both had been following and goes to find Dr. Ramsey.
***
"It's not as bad as it sounds?" Louis says optimistically, thought it sounds more like a question.
"He can hardly fucking walk, Lou! They gave him a bloody walker, which he can hardly use anyway!" Rae snaps, then realises this is Louis she's talking too, and deflates. "Sorry. It's just. Louis, you didn't see him fall, and Liam...I've never seen so scared like that. I don't know. I don't want to think about it right now. It's too much, and I'm tired and I just picked up another double shift tonight."
"Raelyn-" Louis reprimands, but Rae cuts him off.
"I have too. Ronan's got a new type of treatment and we'll need extra money and I swear to God if we get anymore checks from any of you, I will personally shove it up your arses."
"Well," Huffs Louis, crossing his arms. "That's not a very sanitary way of handling money, love. Might want to talk to your bank about that."
Rae literally smacks his thigh. "I hate you." She mutters.
She just pushes Louis' face away when he shoots her a knowing smile, so wide it makes the corner of his eyes crinkle. She keeps her thumb on one corner, over the crinkles, then sighs.
"Distract me. Tell me something I don't know, or like, do a hand stand."
Louis laughs brightly, taking her hand in his. He kisses the back of her hand, then leans over and smashes his lips against her cheek. It isn't soft, in fact, Rae isn't even sure it's considered a kiss. His chin is digging into her jawline, and his lips are making her cheek cave, her teeth accidentally biting the inside of her cheek.
However, Rae doesn't move, because Louis makes her heart do the opposite it was doing earlier. When it suffocates, Louis gives it air, when it begins to clench, Louis unwinds it. When it feels like it's filled with nothing but little spikes slamming against the inside of her chest, Louis is there to cushion it. Always there to anchor it when it starts to float away.
"Me and the lads are going to Paris." Louis confesses, his lips moving against her cheek.
"Oh?" Rae questions lightly.
Louis lets up some pressure, but noses along her cheekbone. "We're leaving Sunday night."
Rae takes a minute to process that information. Her conversation with Harry makes sense now. "Oh."
Louis sighs, pulling back. "We've got this album in the makes right, nearly finished. So we're going on a two week promotional tour for it. Play some shows, some TV appearances. We weren't suppose to leave until Monday, but Zayn told me our management moved it a day earlier."
"Oh." Rae says again, for lack of anything better. "That's...that's tomorrow."
"I'm sorry Rae, I really am. but-"
"Louis, there's no need to be sorry. It's your job, and you've all been on break for the past what, nearly a year? People miss you, y'know, your fans and what you do are important. It's alright. It's just fast. Really fast. Like...what if-"
She's cut off with Louis' hand over her mouth. "Love, if you start the 'what ifs' again, you're going to give yourself an aneurysm."
Rae licks his hand, and Louis rolls his eyes playfully, but keeps it there until she reaches up and tangles their fingers together. She pulls his hand away, fiddling his with fingers and tracing the swirls that make up his fingerprints. She tries not to think of what could happen, hopefully doesn't happen. Trying to imagine how she did all of this without Louis before she met him.
It was like she was just floating along; performing everyday routines and having to hide the marks on her chest from strangers, from her own family. She can't even remember the last time she had a welt mark her chest, or the last time she actually drew blood. Rae presses the palm of Louis' hand to her chest, just below her collarbones.
"Your heart's beating a little fast." Louis whispers after a few moments. Rae nods in acknowledgement. "It's only for two weeks. We'll be back before you know it and-"
"What are we?" Rae interrupts abruptly.
"Uh-what?" Louis frowns in bemusement.
"I was just wondering, what we are. Like, are we just dating or are we at the place where the girl waits by the window for her sweetheart to return, longing the days he'll be in her arms again."
Louis actually laughs at that. "First, there's no way in hell you would ever sit idly by a window waiting. I wouldn't want you to either. You're not a piner, darling."
"I could be!" Rae protests. She can't keep a straight face.
"Right, and Zayn can wake up ugly."
"Louis. Zayn and that horrid word do not belong in the sentence together."
"You Rae, are an absolute shit." Louis leans in, smacking a kiss to her cheek again. Rae beams.
"And-" He hooks a finger under chin, tilting her head to face him straight on. He softly places his lips against hers, and Rae thinks the term takes my breath away applies to kisses as soft and tender as this. Louis pulls away from her and continues. "I'll just throw the word girlfriend out there. If you'll catch it...otherwise this is quite awkward."
"'If you'll catch it.'" Rae teases lightly. "That was really corny. I thought you had better than that." Louis glares at her, and Rae is pretty sure she now lives only to make him attempt a heated glare thrown her way. He's been failing.
"Alright then." Rae says simply.
"Alright?" The smile spreading on Louis' lips is making his eyes crinkle again.
Rae leans in, pressing a quick kiss to Louis lips. "Alright."
"Thought you'd be angry, actually." Louis mumbles under his breath. Rae hears it anyway.
"Why?"
"Short notice."
The silence between them lasts much longer this time. Rae's mind filled with a jumbled web of thoughts, all 'what ifs' and 'what'll happen'. She has her mum, she has her close friends, but two weeks without Louis, without the four other boys in the midst of Ronan's
complications scares her. Terrifies her. But she's not selfish enough to voice her thoughts. Doesn't want Louis to apologise for something he's always dreamed of doing, a dream him and his best mates are living out. Rae forgets she's still pressing Louis' hand against her chest, and if he could feel how fast it was beating earlier, he can feel it jackhammer now.
"Paris?" She inquires softly.
"Paris." Louis confirms.
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@Allie Miller
thank you so so much for reading, and your kind comments! <3 and that's awesome! god luck with everything!
8/15/17