Ronan: To the Moon and Back

"How about this one then?"

Louis' soft voice brings Rae out of the depths of her mind. Throws out a rope for her to grasp and pull her from the dark waters that she always tends drown herself in. It's there at the bottom of those waters, do the panic attacks begin; where the shadow of her nightmares are born. When she tries to look around, frantic with lungs burning for air, that she sees nothing. Nothing but a endless black void, like she's floating in the deepest, mysterious part of the ocean where only God knows what's down there. It's where she feels alone. With nothing, with no one, no sound, no light. Just alone with her thoughts.

Until she finally sees blue. Just a glint like it reflects against a sun not present in her void. Blue like the rope thrown to her, blue like the eyes in the picture she was staring at that brought her into her void in the first place. Blue, like the skies, like shallow clear waters. Cerulean blue eyes assessing her own with deep concern laced in between.

"Raelyn?"

Rae blinks back to reality; gray skies with bright, white snow falling outside her window. She feels Louis' hand, heavy and comforting on her shoulder and she realizes she has yet to respond.

"Right, yeah." Rae shakes her head a little. "Erm, sorry what?"

Louis looks like he wants to ask, but ignores it instead and smiles despite himself. He squeezes her shoulder once, then uses the same hand to point to the picture he was talking about. A different one from the one Rae was gazing at before.

"I was saying how about this one? In the store."

Rae follows his finger. He's pointing a picture of Ronan nestled with his back against Harry's chest, his arms bracketing her brother in safely on his lap. The only indication that the other person in the photo is Harry, is the little cross tattoo etched on his left hand. Hands that are engulfing Ronan's smaller ones. When Rae took the picture, she had been contemplating the sight in front of her for several minutes; noticing the contrasts of their dark and light shirts, the safety in the comfort Ronan had while sitting in Harry's lap. Relaxed, with tired eyes that blinked slowly every few seconds. Harry was distracted at the time, talking to Niall, when Rae finally took the picture. Only Ronan was watching his sister the whole time. He ended up falling asleep a few moments later.

"To display in the store?" Rae questions. "Isn't it kind of intimate?"

Louis' hand drops to his side. "Erm...yes? Yes. But it's- well, yeah. Alright, never mind then."

"No, Louis. I meant that it's a rather sad looking picture. Like what if someone comes in all happy, and sees it. Here's this child who looks sick and lethargic and their thoughts runs away with them. He is okay? Is he hurting? Why is the photographer depressed? Why's he holding him like that? Why are those eyes staring into my soul? Is he dy-"

Rae thought she cut herself off on her own, then realizes that it's not her own hand on her mouth, it's Louis'. It's Louis' fingers, four of them, pressed over her lips to halt her words in her mouth. His eyes have the same concerned look they had earlier, but once again decides against the questions burning on the tip of his tongue. His eyes fall to his fingers on her lips. He watches as Rae's lips part a little, inhaling a hitched breath, then slowly, maybe a little too slow, removes his fingers, with maybe a lingering graze on her bottom lip.

The air between them changes a little; swirls around like the snowflakes falling outside, and its suddenly a lot warmer than it was a second ago. If they could hear each others heartbeats, they would both be comforted in knowing that they're not alone with how fast its beating against their chests.

Louis breaks the silence first. "Or..." He takes a deep breath.

"Or they could see a beautiful photo, with a beautiful boy with big blue eyes and wonder what makes him feel so comfortable. So relaxed. They can see Harry's tattoo and wonder if Ronan has faith in something bigger than him. Wonder if those eyes staring into your soul warms you up, gives you a new kind of hope and wonder like a child's eyes should. Maybe they'll walk out of their thinking about the photo and where the amazing photographer got the idea for it. What was going through her own mind as she took the picture."

Their eyes never pull away from each other while Louis speaks. Lock together like some force holding their gazes. Rae blinks, her eyes are too dry and Louis' are too open and she can't handle that so quickly coming out of her void. However she thinks, in the back of her mind swimming in that blue she found earlier, that he's right. Maybe Louis is right.

Rae tears her eyes away from Louis', examining the picture again. "This one?"

"That one." Louis agrees quietly.

Its then that his phone rings, and he excuses himself to take it, leaving Rae's heart pounding in her chest.

***

When Louis comes back ten minutes later, a little annoyed about an upcoming meeting, Rae is still staring at the picture.

"Black and white? Color?" Rae asks when he sits back down, clicking the original picture and enlarging it. The color just seems to lack in comparison to the black and white, with the blue color splash of Ronan's eyes.

"Which way to do like it?" Louis questions instead.

Rae mulls it over for a minute, biting the corner of her lip with her brow pulled down in thought. Louis loves watching her, just loves watching her think when she's in her photography mode. He notices how she always chews her lip, alternates between that and biting at her pinkie nail, then back to biting her lips once she comes to a conclusion. Or how her fingers will toy with the necklace she wear, or grazing over her collar bones. How she tilts her head a little to the right, like is has it now.

"Colors," Rae begins quietly, like voicing her own thoughts will scare Louis away, "are vibrant and lively and pretty. They're warm and wonderful...but I just think there is something about the simplicity of black and white. It's beautiful in its own way, as is every photo. I just like the different shades, the contrast between light and dark. Harry was wearing a dark blue jumper that day, so it translates into a darker shade, than with Ronan's shirt, which was a light green.

"Black and white is stripped down, raw, elegant, simple. It forces people to use their imagination and create their own colors for what they see in the photo. It's different for every set of eyes. Whereas color photographs are just that, given to you, the black and white makes you to think differently. Those lilies for example," Rae points to a black and white picture on her wall just over Louis' shoulder.

"What color are they? Someone might think they're orange, another may think they're pink. Or the sky photo. Is the sun rising, or setting? Is the sky lighting up like fire or twilight? You just don't know, so you make up your own interpretation. To a child, the sky could be purple and the lilies rainbow colored. I like it like that. Using your imagination. It's an escape from reality."

Louis blinks. His eyes a little dry from staring too long at the way Raelyn's own eyes had drifted away into her passion. He sees the soft smile teasing her lips, the way she moves her hands while she talks, elegant, like a they're performing their own ballet. It's a look he wants to see more of and knows this isn't a side Rae usually shares with anyone. Louis knows this moment is special; a well hidden secret locked away in the confines of her mind, away from outsiders. He's captivated.

"That one is one of my favorites." Rae's voice pulls Louis out of his thoughts.

Louis follows to where she's pointing her finger at a smaller photo. It's set in the middle of the black and white collage hung on her wall, just behind the door. Said picture is frozen in time of a little girl, sitting alone on a wooden swing. Her small hands gripping the ropes of the swing. Her legs poke out from her white dress and her feet dangle above the ground. To the left of the girl, is a discarded teddy bear, lying sideways in the grass, facing towards the slim trees. It seems like it's sunny in the photo, or maybe the sun is setting and the little girl is simply waiting for someone who never showed and-

Oh. Louis understands now. "May I ask why?" Louis whispers, feels like if they were to raise their voices a few octaves to normal tones, it'd be too loud.

"What do you see, Louis, when you look at her?" Rae counters instead, turning her multicolored blues eyes on him.

He thinks that God got a little creative while creating Raelyn; paint splattering her eyes with different shades of blue and specks of green and a drop of glittering gold.

"Well, erm." He clears his throat. "I think she's most likely waiting for someone. A friend maybe? But they never showed and the bear, I think, quite possibly symbolizes her giving up? Like she got tired of waiting."

Rae nods thoughtfully. She appraises Louis with her eyes, slowly, as if considering something. Louis watches her chew her bottom lip for just a moment, before she looks away, relieves him of the hold her eyes has over him.

"I think you're right," She agrees. "Except I disagree on one thing. I don't think she's waiting on someone who never showed. I see the opposite really. I think she's waiting for someone to return. I think the bear was a gift, and whoever gave it to her abandoned her, alone on a swing. No one to push her, no one to kiss her scraped knee if she falls. I think she left the bear as you said. She'd given up. She got tired of standing there, so she dropped the bear and sat on the swing. But by doing that, I think she has a little hope left. Like whoever it is, a family member most likely, will still come back before the sun sets.

"So she keeps waiting, alone, motionless, forgotten toy on the dirty ground. Because he won't ever show. He won't come back to push her, to kiss her knee. He won't pick up the bear so she can hug it tightly. But she still sits and hopes that he will. She wants to give up, hence the bear, and why she's not swinging herself. She holds the ropes because she hopes. But he won't. He won't ever come back."

Louis' heart pangs, pulling tight at its strings, each beat racing faster than the other. He sees it all so clearly now. The little girl waiting, alone and abandoned. Waiting and hoping for something, someone. When he noticed the distant look in Raelyn's eyes not thirty minutes ago, he thought he pulled her out of her own thoughts, of something that catches her in her own minds web. This, maybe this is what he pulled her out of; of all those feelings, of all the shadows that surround the edges of the the photo. Shadows of the nightmare she has, shadows hidden away in that black unmarked box.

He sees the hopelessness, not in the discarded bear, or the stillness of the little girls legs, but in Rae herself. Whose hand is absentmindedly pressing into her chest and looking at the photo with wide, dejected eyes. So different from her younger brothers. Eyes that are usually guarded, cautious, peeking out through the holes of her carefully crafted mask.

It's another crack, another line in her book she's allowing Louis to read. Like she wants to continue to unlock parts of her heart and show them to him. He would usually welcome it with open arms and a successful smile on his face, but not tonight. He doesn't like this crack. Right through the middle of the small heart he see on the forehead on her metaphorical mask.

Louis leans forward in his chair, gently wrapping his fingers around Rae's wrist, pulling it away from her chest. The contact snaps her out of her whatever memory is playing in her mind. Four blue eyes locked on each other; one pair bright and clear, laced with genuine concern and utter kindness, trust. The other pair, darkened with loss, misery and searching for something, anything to latch onto, to reassure, to comfort. Maybe she finds it, Louis thinks, because her eyes flicker, those paint splatters catching in the light, glittering like the snowflakes outside that catch in the suns light.

Rae inhales deeply, likes she's been under water for a long time. She reaches out her left hand subconsciously, gripping Louis' free one and squeezing his fingers. Abruptly, she smiles, an apology of sorts, shakes her head slightly.

"Right. Sorry." Rae starts, voice light on her smile, but then it disappears. Fades back into a frown pulling at the corner of her lips, like she just can't escape her thoughts today. "Louis..."

Louis' heart nearly breaks with the sound of his name on her lips. Desperate, plaintive, small, and suddenly she's in his arms, wrapped up tightly to his chest. He holds her just like that, cradling the back of her head so her forehead is nestled in crook of his neck, his fingers laced in her dark hair.

"I'm right here, Rae. I'm here. It's alright, love." Louis coos gently in her ear. "I'm not letting go, okay? I've got you."

Rae's fingers dig into Louis' back at his words, anchoring herself with them, tying them around her feet and dropping the weight of them to a dock and away from any dark void. She trembles a little in his arms, her breaths coming in soft pants and fanning against his neck. Louis softly kisses her temple, continuing to mumble soothing words to her.

Two, five, maybe fifteen minutes later, Rae slowly pulls herself away from Louis and out of his comforting embrace. He watches with sad eyes as she presses her palms into her eyes, circling them around until Louis is sure she sees lights popping behind her lids. When her hands drop, she looks wary, exhausted and years older than she truly is. Rae accidentally smudged some black eyeliner beneath her eyes, only adding to the dark circles, contrasting against her skin.

"I'm-" Rae begins.

"Don't apologize, it's alright, honest." Louis reassures her before she can continue. "I meant what I said that first time, and I will always mean it. I'm here for you, Raelyn. I will always be here for you."

The air feels heavy again during the short silence that follows. Maybe she can feel it, for Rae leans forward, placing the hand still not in Louis' grasp, delicately on the side of his neck. She can probably feel his pulse under her fingertips, pumping a little faster than a normal one would. She gently strokes her thumb along the stubble growing back on his jawline, and Louis vaguely thinks he should have shaved, if it weren't for the tiniest quirk at the corner of her mouth. He realizes how close they are, only becoming closer until her lips gently graze his cheekbone.

Her lips are like the smooth, silky drag of a rose petal along his cheek, lingering for a few seconds. The damp spot where her lips meet his skin, tingle after she pulls away, places her forehead against his, warming his skin against hers. Louis' breath catches in his throat and he hopes by God she can't hear how loud his heart is pounding inside his chest.

He wants to pull her in more just a little more. He could. With the hand he had brought up to her cheek, her eyes fluttering close from the warmth and exhaustion. He could. Just tilt his head a bit and lean forward and his lip would touch hers and all his wondering thoughts would be put to rest.

Louis doesn't. He can't. He can't because he won't take advantage of her vulnerable state. Not with her eyes closed and trusting a part of herself to him, that he knows no one else gets, or got this close. She's so open right now and he's had to work to get this. He can't allow her to close back up just because he wants to be selfish. He couldn't do that. So he doesn't. Instead, he does something much worse in his opinion, deciding to open himself up, in the form or words.

"I care for you. I care so much about you, Raelyn." Louis breathes, gentle like the breeze carrying the snow in the air.

He allows his own eyes to fall, allows his words to flow. "You mean so much to me. I never want to see you like this. I just- I want you to be happy-" I want to make you happy is what he really means- "it breaks my heart that I can't ever do anything."

Rae inhales a shaky breath, fingers twitching on his neck. "You do, Louis. You've done more than enough for me. What you're doing now is what I need. You always know what I need."
"I think I'm f-" Louis stops short, his brain catching up with his mouth and rebuilding that filter between them.

He can feel his face begin to heat up and his heart is now in overdrive, beating so fast and loud he'd be surprised if the neighbors across the street can't hear it. Louis' eyes snap open, and he pulls back far enough to leave several inches of space. He sees the slight frown of Rae's brow, followed by her eyes fluttering open.

"I think you'll be just fine." He smiles at her, hoping for her curiosity to die down.
Rae looks like she's about to say something, goes as far as opening her mouth and makes a sound as if she's about to ask, but decides against it. She purses her lips for a long moment, then returns his smile and the moment is gone.

"Right." Rae blinks, turning her attention back on the computer screen. "The one you picked is good. In black and white because I like the contrasts of the elements and it's my photo and I can do whatever I want with it."

Louis chuckles, leaning over onto her shoulder to see the photo again. "Perfect. Whatever you say."

Rae's answering smile blinds him until she lets out a yawn, covering her mouth and relieving Louis of the sun that apparently found its way into her smile. They transfer from the chairs to her bed, laptop perched on Louis' lap. Falling backwards, Rae curls up against Louis' thigh, fingertips tracing the small hole in his jeans by his knee. In return, Louis runs his fingers through her hair. Stroking and scratching lightly along her scalp until her breathing become languid, and her body relaxed. Louis believes Rae's sleeping, she's been quiet for five minutes, until she abruptly sits up, startling him. She turns and stares at Louis blankly, before breaking out in a mischievous smile.

"Niall requested another photo shoot shot by me with all five of you!" She states excitedly.

"To which he then requested that I play 'Mistletoe' By Justin Bieber, which- no. Absolutely not, no way in hell. But will you do it!? It that okay?"

"Um...Yes?" Louis answers, partially frightened at the burst of energy.

"Great!" Rae smiles, then falls back into her previous position. She grabs his hand hanging in mid air from his shock and places his fingers back in her hair. "Sing to me?"

"You are quite weird." Louis informs her. He settles the laptop on the night table next to her bed. Safely out of its owner sporadic movements.

"Yes. Now sing, darling." Rae hides her smile into his thigh.

"There's a firefly loose tonight, better catch it before it burns this place down, and I lie, If I don't feel so right. But the world looks better through your eyes."

Louis only hears the soft hitch of Rae's breathe, and ignores it while playing with her hair. Ignores the meaning of the songs lyrics, and the way his stomach flutters and heart begins to pound again. Instead he focuses on Rae's grip on his jeans that loosen when her breathing calms and comes out slower, deeper. Focuses on the way the her fingers of her other hand just grazing against his. She's truly asleep this time around, quite and peaceful and the snow still falls outside her window. He slowly transfers into another song, slowing down the melody and singing it in his own tempo.

"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart as well as your body. And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love..."

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Notes