The Journal

It was an odd thing, Harry’s relationship with Alexa. They weren’t together. They had never been together in any type of boyfriend/girlfriend setting or rank, yet out of the blue, they entered into this unspoken sexual agreement with each other that was literally the pinnacle of his existence. They had been sleeping together for over a year – not that he was counting or anything – without anyone finding out their secret. As far as he knew, not a soul alive but the two of them knew what they were doing with each other. But even so, Harry lived for the time they spent together and spent his entire junior year of high school turning down offer after offer to date other girls. So many, that it baffled him that there weren’t rumors started about his sexuality. But it wasn’t like other girls didn’t excite him, because they did. He went to school with some incredibly alluring females that oddly enough, in some cases, spent their time fantasizing about him. But there wasn’t even one girl he knew who could get him to abstain from Alexa. She became an addiction he never wanted to break.

It wasn’t until the day Harry found out Alexa accepted Brad Murphy’s invitation to prom that he decided, once and for all, to get his own date. He was certain full-throttle jealousy was the biggest factor in his decision. It was always like that with them. If Alexa did something, Harry always had to do it bigger, or one-up her, and vice-versa. They were always sort of in this unspoken competition with each other to try to prove which one of them cared less – but Harry knew, as well as she did, the outcome always revealed the opposite. And unfortunately for him, it always seemed like it was him crashing into a brick wall of feelings for her. But it never stopped him from doing it over and over again.

And so it was set, his jealousy won out and he asked Jessica Kensington from church, to go with him to his junior prom.

But that fact, nor anything else in her life, never stopped Alexa from doing as she pleased – including sneaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night to seduce him into sleeping with her. Not that it ever took much seducing. Harry was a seventeen-year-old male on the cusp of his sexual prime, and any prospect of sex was handled with as much grace as could be expected – which wasn’t much. And he would end up folding to her every single time without care or mind for consequences.

{April 12th, 2011}

Alexa was panting heavily in Harry’s ear as he hovered above her, bringing it the best he could for her. It was the middle of the night, and his parents were just down the hallway, but she snuck into his room and he was never able to say no to her. He didn’t want to.

Harry’s whole body sang with pleasure. Maybe it was the reason he was so strung out on her – he couldn’t get enough of this fleeting feeling. It was just too good. He always wanted more.

“Ungh. God, Lex,” Harry grunted in her ear when he felt the unmistakable tingling of orgasm running through his body.

“Keep going,” her voice was breathless and so sexy in his ear that he knew he had to hold out for her.

He pushed in deeper, trying to really push her along with long, full strokes, and that’s when he heard her tiny gasps and he knew he was bringing her over the edge.

“Keep going,” she whimpered again, her voice coming out a few octaves higher than normal.

The breathless sound of yearning in her voice was like music to his ears. In these moments she truly wanted him, even needed him. If he stopped lying to himself even for a second, maybe he could come to the conclusion that it was what he was striving for all along – for her to want and need him. In those quiet moments, when they were all alone in his bedroom, as the house settled all around them, as his family slept in their respective bedrooms, Alexa wanted and needed him. It meant so much, even if to her it only meant they were just having fun. There was no denying he took it far more seriously than she ever did.

And so, Harry did as she asked and kept up his rhythm for her, bringing her to her end just moments before he was blowing through his. His chest heaved with exhaustion as he hovered above her, their bodies stilled, reeling with the afterglow of particularly amazing sex.

Harry rolled off of her a moment later, only because he knew any more time lingering above her would make her uncomfortable. And he didn’t want her to call him out on trying to cuddle or what-the-fuck-ever. He was well aware of where she stood when it came to any post-coitus touching. When the act was done, they were done.

He watched as she sat up, throwing her legs over the side of the bed, her back to him. She was about to sneak out, and it was no longer a surprise to him. She did it so often. The disappointment lessened with time.

“You only ever call me Lex when we’re having sex,” she pointed out, and it caught him off guard.

They pretty much never talked before or after their middle-of-the-night romps and it threw him for a loop that she even said anything.

“Huh?” Harry asked as he looked over at her, pulling the blankets up his lower half as he sat back on his bed.

“You only call me Lex when we’re in bed together. That’s all you call me when we’re in bed together actually,” she elaborated.

Harry furrowed his eyebrows in a questioning look, not really realizing it was something he did.

“I’ve just… noticed that,” she said quietly as she pulled her shirt back over her head, looking slightly insecure, which was so unlike her.

“I didn’t realize I ever really called you Lex, I guess,” Harry said quietly as he watched her slide her panties back up her legs and sit back down on the mattress.

It was not a name he dared call her if he spoke to her outside of the bedroom. But he supposed when he was lost under her spell, it could have slipped out a time or two.

“You do,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Hmm,” he hummed, still really trying to recall ever saying something like that.

Moments later she got up from the mattress to snatch up her shorts and stepped back into them. She stopped for a moment to look at him, and his eyes knit together as he looked back at her. She was acting so odd. He was waiting for her to flee like she always did. But she seemed to be lingering.

“So, is Jessica Kensington really going to be your date for prom?” Alexa asked, and it caught him completely off guard because it was now the second question she asked during the time when she was usually running away.

“Is Brad Murphy really going to be yours?” Harry turned around on her, letting the sarcastic clipped tone of his voice give him away a little.

She chuckled and shook her head at him lightly with a minute roll of her eyes, like she predicted his jealously all along.

“He asked me,” she said, looking at him, her facial features softening.

“And you said yes,” Harry snapped, before realizing he really needed to rein himself in.

“Who else am I going to go with? You?” She scoffed, rolling her eyes again, causing his stomach to turn.

It would be weird to be seen with her in public in an intimate setting like that. People at school pretty much saw her as his sister, even though she absolutely wasn’t. They would be known as the incest kids if their dirty little secret ever got out. Both of them were determined to keep it quiet for that reason alone. And nobody would ever know just how agonizing it was to not be able to talk to anyone about her. He had a blog he could rant in for strangers to read on the internet, but that was as far as he went. Not even his closest mates knew about Alexa. No one knew.

“You know what happens on prom night...” Alexa said, sending him a suggestive smirk.

“What?” He asked her.

“It’s when all the rebellious kids spike the punch and give up their virginity in hotel rooms across town,” she explained, quirking her eyebrow at him.

“Too bad we don’t live in a bad high school film,” Harry said, smirking back at her.

“You’d stick with losing yours on your birthday in the middle of the night?” She questioned as her eyes stared him down in the most intense way. As his mind filled with memories of that night, he could feel himself getting hard again. It was a very fond memory for him.

“Yeah. I’m good,” he breathed lowly, feeling his heart beat a little faster in his chest.

“Good,” she said with a smile, her eyes finally breaking away from his.

Harry took a sharp intake of breath and let it out as silently as possible, watching her hesitate slightly as she gripped onto his door handle. He didn’t want her to leave, but it was inevitable.

“Goodnight, Harry,” she said quietly, turning back to look at him, her eyes looking almost reluctant, like she didn’t want to go. But he was too much of a pussy to ask her to stay.

“Night, Lex,” he said, smirking at her as he used the nickname on purpose, which earned him a light laugh out of her just before she disappeared out his bedroom door.

Harry was used to her being the love-‘em-and-leave-‘em type after all this time, but it never stopped him from aching for things to be different. Every time she slipped out of his bed in the middle of the night, he wished for things to change, even just once. He wished to be able to have her fall asleep in his arms. Hell, just to spend a little while in his arms afterward. It would lessen the constant aching in his heart for her.

{April 30th, 2011}

Before Harry knew it, Prom was upon them. And for him, it was harder than hell to be in the same room as Alexa and Brad. That wanker was standing in his living room with his hands all over Alexa as his mother took an over-abundance of pictures of all of them. Harry’s date, Jessica, was dressed in a light pink modest dress, and it was such a contrast to Alexa’s black lace dress that dipped low in the front and hugged every single one of her curves. Harry couldn’t keep his eyes off of Alexa, and it made him feel terrible for stringing Jessica along. But lately, his whole life was a façade. No one knew the real him. He wasn’t even sure if he knew himself anymore.

Their prom was held in the school’s gymnasium. It was decked out in silver stars and streamers, and it was the cheesiest, cliché thing Harry had ever seen. But it was high school, and one could only expect so much.

Harry twirled Jessica around the dance floor, trying to make the best of the night. She seemed to be having fun, so he must not have been the most horrid date on the planet. Even though, he almost couldn’t handle watching Alexa with Brad. It was like the two of them were silently at war with each other – trying to make the other one as jealous as possible. As soon as Alexa started dancing a little closer to Brad, Harry pulled Jessica flush against him, or his hands got a little lower on her back. And as soon as Alexa nuzzled her nose against Brad’s neck, Harry made sure to cuddle Jessica against his chest. And when Jessica boldly leaned up and pressed her lips against Harry’s, he pulled back quickly to see catch Alexa’s reaction – her eyes flaring just before she pulled out of Brad’s arms and stalked toward the door of the gym that led into the school. It startled Harry to see her reaction – almost as startled as he was to have been kissed by Jessica.

“I… uh… um… I just…” Harry stammered, looking back at his date.

“I’m sorry. I just… you were just… I’m sorry,” Jessica squeaked as her fingers came up to press against her lips, looking almost horrified.

“No. I mean, it’s okay. Just… I don’t know…” Harry told her, feeling completely weird about their whole situation. He just wanted to take her home and forget about this whole fucking stupid night.

“I’m sorry,” Jessica breathed as her cheeks heated up.

“Why don’t… uh, why don’t you go get us something to drink? I’ve, uh… I’m gonna use the loo,” Harry told her.

“Okay. Alright,” Jessica nodded as she spun on her heels and disappeared through the crowd.

Harry turned in the opposite direction to go after Alexa since her date didn’t seem to care to. The hallways were nearly abandoned – only a few stragglers trying to cool off or just hang out without the blaring music disrupting them. His eyes scanned down the hallway and found Alexa standing with her back against a bank of lockers, looking down at her cell phone.

As soon as he took a step toward her, she looked up and noticed him, her eyes narrowing slightly. Harry stopped in his tracks, wondering if he should even try to talk to her. But when she pulled away from the locker and started walking away from him, he knew she was just being a brat. She really had no right to be angry with him. She made it perfectly clear where they stood with each other on more than one occasion. They were just having fun. He’d heard it so many god damn times.

When she turned down the next hallway, Harry followed after her. And when she noticed he wasn’t going to leave her alone, she spun on her heels to stare him down.

“What do you want, Harry?” She snapped, and Harry noticed both her speech and her body were wavering.

“Are you drunk?” He asked her, his eyes narrowing at her.

“Psssh,” she huffed, rolling her eyes at him.

“You must be part of the rebellious crowd,” Harry scoffed, referring to what she told him about the cliché prom.

“Am I about to lose my v-card in some stupid hotel across town?” She asked, smirking wildly at him, immediately letting her attitude seep out of her tone.

“I hope not,” Harry breathed and instantly hoped she didn’t hear him. But he saw her smile widen as she leaned against the lockers closing her eyes and he knew she did.

She was so beautiful. Her dark eyelashes resting against her porcelain skin, her dark pink lips shiny and so inviting. He couldn’t help but stare at her, his eyes raking over every inch of her body. But not in any vulgar way. It was one of longing. He longed for her. Alexa was everything he wanted, and it killed him because she was so unattainable. And he figured it only made it worse because he had her. He had her in those fleeting moments in the middle of the night. She was his, and only his during those moments. Even though she was never truly his.

Alexa caught him off guard when her eyes opened and stared back at him.

“Are you looking at my breasts, Styles?” She asked, and his eyes snapped up to hers. Maybe… he might have been… for just a second.

She giggled as he stayed silent, staring back at her.

“You’re funny,” she chuckled lightly as she slid her fingertip across the top hem of her dress, right across her cleavage. She was teasing him. That much he knew.

Harry rolled his eyes, hating that side of her. She loved to embarrass him, and he absolutely loathed it.

“Are you picturing me naked, Harry?” She asked lowly as she stepped closer to him.

“I’m sure you’d like that,” Harry scoffed, keeping his eyes hardened so she knew he was annoyed with her.

“I would,” she breathed as she leaned forward, kissing his lips.

It took him by surprise because they were in public. They were out of sight of anyone, but they were still in the middle of the hallway at school. Even so, Harry still pressed forward, gripping his hand on the back of her neck, kissing her deeper. Her lips parted for him and he let his tongue sink against hers. Oh, he loved her. He did.

They only pulled apart when they heard footsteps getting closer to them. Harry quickly moved away from her as she stumbled back against the lockers again.

“Back to the gym. No students in the hallway,” they heard as one of the chaperones turned the corner to scold them.

Alexa began to giggle and Harry could only stare back at her. He had no idea how she found humor in their situation because he did not.

“Let’s go,” the chaperone urged them.

“Come on, Harry,” Alexa laughed, stepping forward to link her arm with his as she pulled him down the hallway past the stern looking adult, and guided them back down the adjacent hallway toward the gym just as Brad came through the doors.

“There you are,” Brad said to Alexa.

“Hi, Brad,” Alexa said, her voice coming out breathy and almost exaggerated as she let go of Harry’s arm and sent him a sideways smile. She was toying with him.

“Come on. Let’s get out of here,” Brad said as he eyed Harry for a moment before realizing he wasn’t any sort of threat – because he was her surrogate brother. But little did he know…

“Bye, Harry!” Alexa said as she linked her arm with Brad’s.

“You have a curfew,” Harry snapped at her.

“Okay, Dad,” she said sarcastically, laughing under her breath as she took off through the gym with her stupid jock asshole of a date.

“God damn it,” Harry grumbled, running his fingers through his hair before he too headed back into the gym.

Jessica found him almost immediately.

“I, uh… I called my dad to come get me,” she told him, looking more than a little awkward.

“Oh,” Harry breathed. It was all he could say because it was almost a relief.

“Do you think I could hitch a ride?” He asked her as he rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, feeling exceptionally uncomfortable.

“Sure, Harry,” she said, smiling sweetly as she nodded her head.

Even after their sham of a date seemed to end with the unwanted kiss, she was still so nice. And it made Harry feel terrible for stringing her along the way he did. She didn’t deserve it. And he realized then, that he was just like Alexa in a way – Jessica was just a pawn in his game for Alexa. His stomach turned as he silently vowed to himself that he was done playing with the poor girl’s feelings.

…

It was past midnight and Alexa still wasn’t home. And neither of Harry’s parents were awake to bust her on her late curfew. What in the actual hell? Alexa could be out there getting into a shit-ton of trouble and they wouldn’t even know. She was with Brad fucking Murphy of all people. Like, why weren’t they even concerned a little? Stupid idiot meat-head.

When the front door squeaked open, Harry was in the kitchen pretending to be rifling around in the refrigerator. But in all actuality, he was waiting up for her.

“Shit,” he heard her sigh.

Harry casually walked toward the entryway to meet her and saw her trying to sneak up the staircase, still wearing her black lace prom dress, but carrying her heels in her hand.

“Alexa,” Harry said quietly.

“Oh, shit!” She yelped, completely startled by him. Quickly, she clamped her hand over her mouth, realizing she said it too loudly.

“A little late,” Harry pointed out as he eyed her.

“What? Are you the curfew police?” She scowled at him as she held onto the banister for dear life, noticeably swaying on her feet.

“How drunk are you?” He asked her with a judgmental clip on his words.

She smiled and held her forefinger and thumb up to say she was only a little drunk.

“Mm-hmm,” Harry hummed as he shut off the kitchen light, leaving them in total darkness.

“Shit, Harry. Now how am I going to get to bed?” She griped at him.

“Come on,” Harry told her as he moved toward the staircase and grabbed onto her arm.

“I can walk by myself,” she snapped at him.

“I don’t know why you always have an attitude with me. It kind of sucks,” he said, dropping her arm, heading up the stairs without her.

“Harry,” she whined when he left her.

“What?” He snapped back at her.

“I can’t see,” she said. Harry stopped at the top of the stairs and looked down at her, his eyes adjusting enough to see her through the darkness.

“Come on,” he sighed, dropping back down a few steps to grab her outstretched hand.

He pulled her up the stairs with him and once they were on level ground, her body fell into his, pressing them against the wall. She tried to stifle her giggles with her hand, but Harry was certain they were loud enough to wake nearly everyone up.

“Shhh,” Harry hushed her as he let his back completely press against the wall.

Alexa’s giggles halted immediately as her eyes met with his. It was still dark, but he was certain she could see him because she was staring straight at him, making his stomach and heart do things that only she could make them do.

“You kissed me in the hallway at school,” she whispered.

“No, you kissed me in the hallway at school,” he corrected her.

“I know. I was just giving you the opportunity to kiss me in this hallway,” she said, smiling at him through the darkness.

Harry didn’t waste another second before his lips were pressed against hers. She let out a little whimper, but wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. She tasted like the alcohol she had been drinking, but he didn’t mind because he was still kissing her lips. She was still in his arms.

Alexa was rather clumsy on her feet as they kissed, pulling Harry against her as she fell back into the opposite wall. Her giggles against his lips were stifled only by his kisses as she pushed forward against him with enough momentum to move their uncoordinated feet down the hallway. Harry’s mouth never left hers as her arms held him tightly around the top of his shoulders, his around her waist. Somehow they ended up in her bedroom with the door closing behind them, and Harry was okay with it. He was okay with it all. It was something they had never done – slept with each other in her bedroom. Mainly because he lacked the balls to make the first move, thus keeping up with a tradition of her sneaking into his bedroom. He was determined to change that – even though it was her, yet again, making the first move.

It was still dark as Alexa toppled down on top of Harry onto her bed, and their lips never stopped moving even when she started to pull away the top of her dress. They were only broke out of their revelry when they heard Harry’s parent’s bedroom door squeak open.

“Shit,” Harry breathed as his body froze beneath Alexa’s.

“Hide,” she whispered as she climbed off of him to peel off the rest of her dress before jumping into her bed.

Harry’s heart was racing as the panic set in, but he managed to throw himself over the side of Alexa’s bed and hide in the tiny crevice between the wall and the mattress. Alexa crawled under her covers just in time for the tiny knock on the bedroom door that came just before it creaked open. The fear in Harry was real as he waited to be caught red-handed.

“Hi,” he heard Alexa croak.

“Hi, honey. Did you have fun at the dance?” Harry heard, registering his mother’s soft voice.

“It was great. Thanks for letting me go,” Alexa said sweetly, in a tone she reserved solely for his mum – her surrogate mother.

“Of course. You’re welcome, Lexie. I’m glad you had a good time,” Anne told her.

“I did,” Alexa replied, sounding a lot more sober than she actually was.

“You get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning,” his mum told her.

“Goodnight, Anne,” Alexa breathed.

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” she replied before softly closing the bedroom door.

Moments later they heard his parent’s bedroom door opening and then closing again as his mother went back to bed. Harry’s heartbeat finally began to slow down, realizing he wasn’t about to be caught in Alexa’s bedroom.

What shook him completely out of his panicked state was Alexa’s soft giggles. Harry quietly poked his head up to see her lying on her back with her arm splayed across her eyes, a smile wide on her lips.

“What?” Harry snapped at her. Her giggles stopped as she looked over at him through the darkness.

“Can you imagine if your mum would have caught us?” She asked, sounding and looking serious.

“It would have been terrible,” Harry shot at her, pulling himself back up onto the mattress from the tiny abyss that he was stuck in.

“Yeah, terrible,” she breathed, sitting up to look at him, the covers falling away from her body revealing her black lace bra and her matching underwear.

Harry couldn’t help it as his eyes washed up and down her long lean body. He didn’t need to look at the models on magazine covers, because he had her. She was beautiful. She was perfect to him.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” she snickered as she sat forward, pulling her arms behind her back to undo her bra, letting it fall forward, down her arms.

Harry’s eyes snapped up to hers, narrowing slightly because of her snide remark, but it didn’t last long because the prospect of sex was looming over his head. He couldn’t believe she was still on board after his mum nearly caught them. But he was in no position to argue or stop it from happening because he wanted it to so badly, even though it was probably a colossally stupid idea.

But he took the opportunity and ran with it, boldly leaning forward to kiss her lips. And in true Alexa-fashion, she went with it, tangling her fingers in the hair on his head. Harry pressed his body forward against hers, laying her back down on the mattress. She moaned lightly against his lips, and he took it as a good omen. Maybe she really liked dominant-Harry. Maybe he needed to be that guy for her. He knew eventually he needed to grow a pair and make her lust for him for a change, but he never really knew how.

When he felt her hands pulling up his tank top, he sat up and lifted it off, looking down at her through the darkness. He was so attracted to her it hurt. And he didn’t really know how he would ever get over that. And in moments like these, he didn’t ever want to.

01 May 2011

A—

Skin against skin, heartbeat against heartbeat, it is almost like we are made for each other. At least in my mind we are. I want that for us so badly. I want you to need me in the same way I know I need you. I want for our feelings to be on the same level, instead of me falling at your feet while you sit atop the pedestal I placed you on. But somehow I know my life will never be that easy. So I’ll take what I can get and act as though I don’t need you with the growing, aching, itching urgency I always do.

—H

Notes