The Journal
{S E V E N}
{April 7th, 2010}
“Come on, lads. Get in the truck. We’re going to be late for church,” Harry heard his mother’s voice as she came down the stairs. They had youth group every Wednesday night, whereas his parents were part of the church committee that met every Wednesday night as well.
“Are we… we’re taking Robin’s truck?” Harry asked her, his eyes slightly wide and maniac, hoping and praying she just slipped up in her speech and they were really taking her van.
Harry’s mind immediately flooded with memories of his and Alexa’s sexcapade in the back seat of his step-father’s SUV nearly two weeks before.
“Yes. We can all fit in there just fine since Gemma’s not home,” she said, gripping onto his shoulders, pushing him along to the front door.
“Hurry up, Harry,” Declan grumbled from behind his mother.
“Come on. We don’t want to be late,” Mum said to him again as she ruffled his already wild hair.
“I get the front seat!” Declan yelped as he hyper-actively pushed passed Harry out the door.
“Stupid—” Harry grumbled, realizing he would be stuck with Alexa in the back seat because Gavin’s car seat was belted into the other bucket seat next to where Declan was already buckling himself in.
Reluctantly Harry got in the back and waited for the rest of the family to pile in – including Alexa. His heart was racing in his chest as his face heated up. He knew his family couldn’t read his mind or see the dirty memories flashing in it about the last time he was in the very same back seat, but the guilt of the situation was eating him alive.
When Alexa got in the SUV, Harry’s eyes immediately fell to her remarkably low cut shirt in which he had a perfect view down it as she made her way to the back seat. When his eyes caught hers, he knew the smirk on her lips was all for him – and he knew exactly why. He scoffed and snapped his vision away from her, looking out the window as Robin backed the truck out of the driveway.
“Lighten up,” she said, giggling under her breath.
Harry sent a glare in her direction which caused her to laugh even harder.
“What’s so funny?” Declan turned his head to look at Alexa.
“Harry’s hilarious,” she said, smirked at Harry. Oh, how Harry hated being a pawn in her game.
“Yeah. Right,” Declan scoffed out a laugh and went back to facing forward.
“Is it bringing back memories?” Harry heard Alexa whisper in his ear once they were finally on their way to church.
“No,” Harry snapped quickly at her.
“Pssh. Yeah right. It’s all I’m thinking about,” she giggled.
And that’s all it took. Harry’s demeanor toward her changed in a millisecond. He slowly looked over at her as she was busy watching the scenery fly by out the window. He watched her and he could feel himself slipping deeper and deeper. She was one of the most confusing things in his entire life, completely disrupting his world, completely enthralling him with hers. He couldn’t shake her and he knew he didn’t want to. Not when he could so vividly see scenarios of whatever this was between them working out so perfectly in the future – this love/hate thing, whatever it was. Harry knew the ‘hate’ part would eventually just fade away and they could be happy.
Maybe.
…
Harry’s favorite part, by far, of youth group was singing in the band. Music was a passion of his and the fact that he got to sing at church every week was so rewarding to him. He loved it. If he could make a career out of singing, he absolutely would.
“That was so great,” Harry heard as he began to clean up the small stage after their performance.
He looked up to see Jessica Kensington, a pretty blonde girl he went to church and school with since they were in kindergarten. Actually, they no longer went to school together – her parents put her into a private Christian school and Harry went to the public high school. But looking at her now, it was quite noticeable that she had come a long way since the days of eating paste and playing four-square at recess. She was actually really quite beautiful.
“Thanks,” Harry said, giving her a small smile as he wrapped up the mic cord.
“Your voice – it’s… it’s really good,” she said, letting out a nervous little laugh.
“Thanks,” he told her again as he continued to break down the equipment.
“Have you ever thought of like… I don’t know… playing in a band. You’ve got a lot of talent,” Jessica continued.
“Eh. I mean, I like singing and everything, but with school and other things—” Harry said, looking up only to meet his gaze with Alexa’s from across the room. Yeah, she most definitely would fall into the ‘other things’ category.
Harry’s cheeks immediately heated up as he thought about the things that happened with Alexa lately. He never felt more like a sinner in all his life as he stood in front of the big wooden cross inside of the chapel thinking about her.
“I just… I don’t have a lot of free time,” he told Jessica.
“Oh. Not even for… for going out… like, dating?” She asked timidly.
Harry’s eyes quickly met hers and her pink cheeks and lip biting told him she was referring to them… dating… going out on a date. She wanted to date him. His eyes automatically scanned the room for Alexa again and found her standing not far from him, idly talking to a few random girls.
“Oh, uh… I-I hadn’t really thought about it… but, uh… I guess not,” Harry stammered awkwardly.
“Not even to like go see a movie or… or like, to get food?” She asked, still trying so hard. Harry winced as he tried to think of something he could say that would let her down easily.
“My parents are pretty strict about… schoolwork,” he told her as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, feeling completely uncomfortable.
“What about on a weekend?” She asked, looking hopeful.
“Uh… probably not. I’m sorry. Maybe uh, maybe we can hang out in the summer or something,” Harry told her, giving her all sorts of false hope and feeling like a complete git about it.
“The summer? Yeah, sure,” she said, giving him a disappointed smile because the summer was nearly two months away.
Harry gave her one last smile before he grabbed up the equipment he used and walked it to the storage closet to put it away.
…
“You have the voice of an angel,” Harry heard Alexa’s breathy sarcastic voice as she walked into his room after church that night. Harry turned and scoffed at her as she stood in his bedroom doorway with a cheesy smile on her face.
“What do you want?” Harry sighed at her.
“That girl was like, throwing herself at you tonight,” Alexa said, quirking her eyebrow at him as she smirked wildly at him.
“She wasn’t—she wasn’t throwing herself at me. She just… I don’t know. She’s nice,” Harry scoffed at her as he dug aimlessly in his dresser drawer trying to occupy his brain with something other than her.
“Dude, she was asking you out to a movie… or dinner. She was totally throwing herself at you. Heard you tell her you were free a few months from now,” she snickered.
“Oh my god. Shut it,” he grumbled, so annoyed with her.
“Relax. Geez,” she laughed.
“It’s none of your business,” he spat at her.
“She’s cute,” Alexa threw in and Harry’s eyes snapped up to hers immediately.
“What?” She questioned, smirking at him devilishly.
“Nothing,” he snapped, shaking his head as he looked away from her.
“Why did you blow her off?” Alexa asked seriously, her voice hushing slightly. Harry looked up at her again, locking gazes with her.
He could feel the pull she had on him in that moment – what did she have that other girls didn’t? He would never understand. Perhaps it was his virginity… but then again, he knew it had to be something more than that since he felt it long before.
“I wasn’t feeling it,” Harry said, shrugging his shoulders passively, trying to shrug off the fact he was painfully aware it was her he was actually feeling.
“It?” She questioned, letting her lips turn up into a smirk. Harry’s eyes looked up into hers tentatively, waiting for her next snarky response.
“It’s high school, not the Bachelor or something,” she snickered, giving him her best sarcastic response.
“Yeah, well…” Harry said, trailing his words off, digging in his drawer once again.
He tried not to let it get to him that Alexa lingered in his doorway, staring at him for longer than he ever expected her to. His eyes flicked up to hers quickly before going back to mindlessly scavenging for nothing in particular in his drawer.
“What?” Harry grumbled, his eyes snapping up to hers, feeling the pressure of her stare.
“What?” She asked wide-eyed and looked almost startled by his reaction.
“You’re… you’re just standing there,” he pointed out.
“What’s up with you?” Alexa asked as her eyebrows knit tightly together.
“What are you talking about?” Harry asked her curiously.
“You’ve been super snippy. I thought teenage girls were hormonal, but damn—” She chuckled.
“I’m fine,” he cut her off.
“Need a little stress relief?” She asked, smirking at him wildly and he rolled his eyes at her as a scoff fell out of him.
“Just a question,” she laughed out loud.
“Don’t you have something better to do than harass me?” He shot back at her.
“Hmm. I was thinking about taking a shower,” she said, smirked at him as she bounced her eyebrows. Oh, she knew what she was doing.
Harry bit his lips together and shook his head, looking away from her again. Alexa and the shower went hand-in-hand...
“I’ll leave the door unlocked if you need a little visual for that stress relief,” she offered playfully, smirking at him before she turned on her heels and headed to her own bedroom.
Harry sighed loudly as he walked to his door and quickly closed it, frustrated that she was constantly under his skin. He loved it and hated it all at the same time. And he didn’t know how that could be.
22 September 2010
A—
As I lay in bed last night, I couldn’t help but play the conversation I had with Jessica Kensington in my head. Why was I so quick to turn her down? She is like, proper gorgeous and smart and fun and she has good values – Mum and Robin would definitely approve of her. But I already know the answer.
It is because of you.
I so selfishly don’t want anything to come between what we have going on – whatever it is. I don’t even know how to explain it. Is it just hormones making me feel this way for you? Are my feelings purely sexual? Do I really actually like you, or do I just like the way you make me feel physically?
So quickly I am able to imagine your smile and hear your laugh in my mind. It makes me question so much. And as much as I hate when you made jokes at my expense, I know I love you humour and personality. You are beautiful and funny and absolutely brilliant. And I feel like if I can manage to keep you coming back, I must be doing something right… right? Sure my feelings can’t just be hormonal. And I’m forced to admit to myself that I like you for you, even if you annoy me to no end sometimes.
But where the hell is it going to get me? We can’t date. You said it yourself already. Plus we live together. Mum and Robin would never allow it. What kind of lockdown would we be placed on if they were to find out what we do in the middle of the night with each other? I know this is absolutely mad. I know it is illogical. I know it isn’t going to work – at least not yet. Is there hope for us in the future? I guess I will just have to see how it all plays out and hope I don’t fuck it up along the way.
All I really know for sure is that I can’t see myself with any other girl – at least not at this point in my life. And if I can’t have you, then I really don’t want anyone else – including cute church-going blonde girls who may or may not have thrown themselves at me.
—H
“Come on, lads. Get in the truck. We’re going to be late for church,” Harry heard his mother’s voice as she came down the stairs. They had youth group every Wednesday night, whereas his parents were part of the church committee that met every Wednesday night as well.
“Are we… we’re taking Robin’s truck?” Harry asked her, his eyes slightly wide and maniac, hoping and praying she just slipped up in her speech and they were really taking her van.
Harry’s mind immediately flooded with memories of his and Alexa’s sexcapade in the back seat of his step-father’s SUV nearly two weeks before.
“Yes. We can all fit in there just fine since Gemma’s not home,” she said, gripping onto his shoulders, pushing him along to the front door.
“Hurry up, Harry,” Declan grumbled from behind his mother.
“Come on. We don’t want to be late,” Mum said to him again as she ruffled his already wild hair.
“I get the front seat!” Declan yelped as he hyper-actively pushed passed Harry out the door.
“Stupid—” Harry grumbled, realizing he would be stuck with Alexa in the back seat because Gavin’s car seat was belted into the other bucket seat next to where Declan was already buckling himself in.
Reluctantly Harry got in the back and waited for the rest of the family to pile in – including Alexa. His heart was racing in his chest as his face heated up. He knew his family couldn’t read his mind or see the dirty memories flashing in it about the last time he was in the very same back seat, but the guilt of the situation was eating him alive.
When Alexa got in the SUV, Harry’s eyes immediately fell to her remarkably low cut shirt in which he had a perfect view down it as she made her way to the back seat. When his eyes caught hers, he knew the smirk on her lips was all for him – and he knew exactly why. He scoffed and snapped his vision away from her, looking out the window as Robin backed the truck out of the driveway.
“Lighten up,” she said, giggling under her breath.
Harry sent a glare in her direction which caused her to laugh even harder.
“What’s so funny?” Declan turned his head to look at Alexa.
“Harry’s hilarious,” she said, smirked at Harry. Oh, how Harry hated being a pawn in her game.
“Yeah. Right,” Declan scoffed out a laugh and went back to facing forward.
“Is it bringing back memories?” Harry heard Alexa whisper in his ear once they were finally on their way to church.
“No,” Harry snapped quickly at her.
“Pssh. Yeah right. It’s all I’m thinking about,” she giggled.
And that’s all it took. Harry’s demeanor toward her changed in a millisecond. He slowly looked over at her as she was busy watching the scenery fly by out the window. He watched her and he could feel himself slipping deeper and deeper. She was one of the most confusing things in his entire life, completely disrupting his world, completely enthralling him with hers. He couldn’t shake her and he knew he didn’t want to. Not when he could so vividly see scenarios of whatever this was between them working out so perfectly in the future – this love/hate thing, whatever it was. Harry knew the ‘hate’ part would eventually just fade away and they could be happy.
Maybe.
…
Harry’s favorite part, by far, of youth group was singing in the band. Music was a passion of his and the fact that he got to sing at church every week was so rewarding to him. He loved it. If he could make a career out of singing, he absolutely would.
“That was so great,” Harry heard as he began to clean up the small stage after their performance.
He looked up to see Jessica Kensington, a pretty blonde girl he went to church and school with since they were in kindergarten. Actually, they no longer went to school together – her parents put her into a private Christian school and Harry went to the public high school. But looking at her now, it was quite noticeable that she had come a long way since the days of eating paste and playing four-square at recess. She was actually really quite beautiful.
“Thanks,” Harry said, giving her a small smile as he wrapped up the mic cord.
“Your voice – it’s… it’s really good,” she said, letting out a nervous little laugh.
“Thanks,” he told her again as he continued to break down the equipment.
“Have you ever thought of like… I don’t know… playing in a band. You’ve got a lot of talent,” Jessica continued.
“Eh. I mean, I like singing and everything, but with school and other things—” Harry said, looking up only to meet his gaze with Alexa’s from across the room. Yeah, she most definitely would fall into the ‘other things’ category.
Harry’s cheeks immediately heated up as he thought about the things that happened with Alexa lately. He never felt more like a sinner in all his life as he stood in front of the big wooden cross inside of the chapel thinking about her.
“I just… I don’t have a lot of free time,” he told Jessica.
“Oh. Not even for… for going out… like, dating?” She asked timidly.
Harry’s eyes quickly met hers and her pink cheeks and lip biting told him she was referring to them… dating… going out on a date. She wanted to date him. His eyes automatically scanned the room for Alexa again and found her standing not far from him, idly talking to a few random girls.
“Oh, uh… I-I hadn’t really thought about it… but, uh… I guess not,” Harry stammered awkwardly.
“Not even to like go see a movie or… or like, to get food?” She asked, still trying so hard. Harry winced as he tried to think of something he could say that would let her down easily.
“My parents are pretty strict about… schoolwork,” he told her as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, feeling completely uncomfortable.
“What about on a weekend?” She asked, looking hopeful.
“Uh… probably not. I’m sorry. Maybe uh, maybe we can hang out in the summer or something,” Harry told her, giving her all sorts of false hope and feeling like a complete git about it.
“The summer? Yeah, sure,” she said, giving him a disappointed smile because the summer was nearly two months away.
Harry gave her one last smile before he grabbed up the equipment he used and walked it to the storage closet to put it away.
…
“You have the voice of an angel,” Harry heard Alexa’s breathy sarcastic voice as she walked into his room after church that night. Harry turned and scoffed at her as she stood in his bedroom doorway with a cheesy smile on her face.
“What do you want?” Harry sighed at her.
“That girl was like, throwing herself at you tonight,” Alexa said, quirking her eyebrow at him as she smirked wildly at him.
“She wasn’t—she wasn’t throwing herself at me. She just… I don’t know. She’s nice,” Harry scoffed at her as he dug aimlessly in his dresser drawer trying to occupy his brain with something other than her.
“Dude, she was asking you out to a movie… or dinner. She was totally throwing herself at you. Heard you tell her you were free a few months from now,” she snickered.
“Oh my god. Shut it,” he grumbled, so annoyed with her.
“Relax. Geez,” she laughed.
“It’s none of your business,” he spat at her.
“She’s cute,” Alexa threw in and Harry’s eyes snapped up to hers immediately.
“What?” She questioned, smirking at him devilishly.
“Nothing,” he snapped, shaking his head as he looked away from her.
“Why did you blow her off?” Alexa asked seriously, her voice hushing slightly. Harry looked up at her again, locking gazes with her.
He could feel the pull she had on him in that moment – what did she have that other girls didn’t? He would never understand. Perhaps it was his virginity… but then again, he knew it had to be something more than that since he felt it long before.
“I wasn’t feeling it,” Harry said, shrugging his shoulders passively, trying to shrug off the fact he was painfully aware it was her he was actually feeling.
“It?” She questioned, letting her lips turn up into a smirk. Harry’s eyes looked up into hers tentatively, waiting for her next snarky response.
“It’s high school, not the Bachelor or something,” she snickered, giving him her best sarcastic response.
“Yeah, well…” Harry said, trailing his words off, digging in his drawer once again.
He tried not to let it get to him that Alexa lingered in his doorway, staring at him for longer than he ever expected her to. His eyes flicked up to hers quickly before going back to mindlessly scavenging for nothing in particular in his drawer.
“What?” Harry grumbled, his eyes snapping up to hers, feeling the pressure of her stare.
“What?” She asked wide-eyed and looked almost startled by his reaction.
“You’re… you’re just standing there,” he pointed out.
“What’s up with you?” Alexa asked as her eyebrows knit tightly together.
“What are you talking about?” Harry asked her curiously.
“You’ve been super snippy. I thought teenage girls were hormonal, but damn—” She chuckled.
“I’m fine,” he cut her off.
“Need a little stress relief?” She asked, smirking at him wildly and he rolled his eyes at her as a scoff fell out of him.
“Just a question,” she laughed out loud.
“Don’t you have something better to do than harass me?” He shot back at her.
“Hmm. I was thinking about taking a shower,” she said, smirked at him as she bounced her eyebrows. Oh, she knew what she was doing.
Harry bit his lips together and shook his head, looking away from her again. Alexa and the shower went hand-in-hand...
“I’ll leave the door unlocked if you need a little visual for that stress relief,” she offered playfully, smirking at him before she turned on her heels and headed to her own bedroom.
Harry sighed loudly as he walked to his door and quickly closed it, frustrated that she was constantly under his skin. He loved it and hated it all at the same time. And he didn’t know how that could be.
22 September 2010
A—
As I lay in bed last night, I couldn’t help but play the conversation I had with Jessica Kensington in my head. Why was I so quick to turn her down? She is like, proper gorgeous and smart and fun and she has good values – Mum and Robin would definitely approve of her. But I already know the answer.
It is because of you.
I so selfishly don’t want anything to come between what we have going on – whatever it is. I don’t even know how to explain it. Is it just hormones making me feel this way for you? Are my feelings purely sexual? Do I really actually like you, or do I just like the way you make me feel physically?
So quickly I am able to imagine your smile and hear your laugh in my mind. It makes me question so much. And as much as I hate when you made jokes at my expense, I know I love you humour and personality. You are beautiful and funny and absolutely brilliant. And I feel like if I can manage to keep you coming back, I must be doing something right… right? Sure my feelings can’t just be hormonal. And I’m forced to admit to myself that I like you for you, even if you annoy me to no end sometimes.
But where the hell is it going to get me? We can’t date. You said it yourself already. Plus we live together. Mum and Robin would never allow it. What kind of lockdown would we be placed on if they were to find out what we do in the middle of the night with each other? I know this is absolutely mad. I know it is illogical. I know it isn’t going to work – at least not yet. Is there hope for us in the future? I guess I will just have to see how it all plays out and hope I don’t fuck it up along the way.
All I really know for sure is that I can’t see myself with any other girl – at least not at this point in my life. And if I can’t have you, then I really don’t want anyone else – including cute church-going blonde girls who may or may not have thrown themselves at me.
—H
Notes
This story is only going to be about 15 chapters long and by chapter twelve it's going to start jumping into the future a bit, to when they're in their twenties and so on. Just an FYI. I have the whole story mapped out, though it's not all completely written. I do have all Harry's journal entries at the ends of the chapters written though, so I know where each chapter is supposed to go.Anyway, what do you think of the story? I like writing exclusively in Harry's point of view in this story, as opposed to all my other stories that are mainly in the original female's perspective. What do you think? Do you enjoy the story? Am I doing okay writing as a dude? Haha. Let me know. :)
I need an update STAT! Soooo good
8/30/18