The Journal

{March 25th, 2010}

“Mum, can you tell Alexa to get out of the loo? She’s been in the shower for like a half an hour,” Declan whined to his mother who was just beginning to make dinner in the kitchen.

Harry perked right up after hearing Alexa’s name and that she was showering. Call it a mental reflex. Showering and Alexa kind of went hand-in-hand in his mind. The thought of walking in on her that first time was the beginning of every teenage boy’s sexual fantasy. And it just so happened that for him, it was the beginning of his sexual reality.

“I’m sure she’ll be out soon,” his mum told Declan.

“What could she possibly be doing in there for this long?” He continued to whine.

“Give her a break. She’s going on her first date since she’s come to live here. I’m sure she’s nervous,” Anne told him and Harry’s whole stomach dropped.

A date? Alexa was going on a date? With who?

Harry felt like his brain was spiraling. They had sex with each other now a total of four times over the past two months, which definitely had Harry’s head floating in the clouds lately. But now, apparently Alexa was going on a date with some loser and Harry would be stuck at home dwelling on the fact that he was too big of a pussy to tell her how he felt about her. She obviously liked him back, since you know... she kept crawling into his bed with him. Ugh. He needed to do something.

Harry got off the couch and headed for the stairs just as Declan was making his way out of the kitchen. The annoyance was ever-present on his little brother’s face and Harry couldn’t help but chuckle to himself, thinking about how much Alexa annoyed him most of the time as well. Both boys heard the bathroom door open just as they reached the banister.

“I get the toilet!” Declan shouted at Harry as he darted up the stairs two-by-two.

“Whatever,” Harry shot at him as he walked up the stairs at his own pace. Declan’s comeback was the slamming of the bathroom door.

Harry made his way down the hallway toward Alexa’s room, realizing he had no idea what he was going to say to her. He didn’t have a plan, but he needed to at least try to get her to forget about the stupid date she was supposedly going on.

Standing in front of Alexa’s closed door, Harry took a deep breath. He was nearly shaking from how nervous he was, but he knew he had to do something or he would have to live with Alexa ‘dating’ – which, no.

“Don’t be a pussy. Don’t be a pussy,” he said under his breath as his hand came up to knock on her door.

He almost chickened out a bunch of times, but ended up psyching himself out, and he let his knuckles rattle against the door.

“Just a second,” he heard her voice from the other side.

Without hesitating, he gripped onto her door knob and opened it, pushing himself inside without warning.

“Harry, what the fuck?” Alexa shrieked as he quickly closed the door behind him.

“Shhh,” he said, putting his finger up to his lips.

“What the hell are you doing?” She snapped at him quietly, gripping her towel a little tighter against her body.

To be honest, the sight of her like that did amazing things to him. She was incredible. But he knew with the way she was glaring at him, he wasn’t on her good side.

“What the fuck? Get out,” she scoffed at him.

“Oh, you can come in my room, but I can’t come in yours?” He countered, sending her a glare of his own. She scoffed loudly and rolled her eyes.

“That’s what I thought,” Harry said as his ego boosted a little by rendering her speechless.

“You weren’t naked in your room, Harry,” she glowered at him.

“As I recall, I was pretty naked when you walked in on me the first time,” he retorted. Alexa’s hardened expression turned jovial in a split second as a giggle escaped from her lips and Harry silently scolded himself for bring that up again. Harry rolled his eyes at her, his annoyance level going through the roof.

“Hey, you were wanking it to the thought of me, so…” She giggled, biting at her lip.

“Who says!?” He scoffed at her.

“Oh, don’t even try to lie, Styles. I caught you,” she giggled amusingly.

“You are so annoying,” Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes again at her, wondering why he even cared about this girl.

“Did I hurt your feelings?” She asked, finally allowing her giggles to die off.

“No,” he scoffed, avoiding her eyes.

“What are you doing in here anyway, Harry?” She asked him as she took a step forward. Harry’s eyes reluctantly looked up at her.

“I heard you’ve got a date,” he said, trying his hardest to not sound like a jealous boyfriend.

“Yep,” she said, popping the ‘p’ with her lips.

“Hmm,” he hummed, avoiding her gaze again.

“Are you jealous?” She giggled again.

“What? No,” Harry scoffed, shifting uncomfortable from foot to foot.

“Why are you in here then, Harry? Are you trying to talk me out of it? Afraid I might get felt-up by another boy?” She toyed with him as she stepped closer and closer to him. Harry’s eyes narrowed at her, hating her so much for always messing with him.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” She asked, stepping right up to him as she gripped the front of his t-shirt lightly in her free hand.

Harry was quickly coming to the realization that she, once again, easily took over the upper hand. And he wondered if there would ever be a time when he could just be the protagonist in one of their interactions. She was always the confident one. She was always the one who led. She was the antagonist.

“So, what?” Harry snapped back at her, deciding to just man-up for once.

“Aw, you’re cute, Harry,” she said, smiling up at him, looking pleased that he finally admitted it.

Frankly, she was just annoying. Everything about her annoyed him. Except the way she was standing so close to him and the way she licked her lips and the way her eyes watched him. God. She was so frustrating – in both good and bad ways.

“Don’t worry though...” She said, taking a step back from him, moving toward her bed. Harry’s eyes narrowed at the back of her head as she once again left him hanging.

“It’s not a real date,” she said, dropping her towel to the floor, leaving herself completely naked, her backside in full view.

“It’s… not?” Harry stammered as he watched her slip into a pair of panties.

“Nope,” she said, grabbing her bra off the bed and putting it on before she turned to face him again. Harry had to fight himself to get his eyes to look up into hers instead of staring at her nearly naked body.

“Then what is it?” He snapped at her.

“I’m going to a party. Brad’s just picking me up as a cover. Your mum totally wouldn’t let me go if I asked. So I just said it’s a date. Win-win,” she said, smiling confidently at him.

“A party?” Harry asked, furrowing his eyebrows at her.

“Yeah, a party. Ever heard of it?” She asked in her sardonic tone.

“Ha-ha,” he said unamused, glaring at her.

“Lighten up, Styles. You’re only young once. I thought you knew this,” she giggled as she walked to her closet and picked out a shirt and pulled it over her head.

She was annoying. Why did he even like her? She made fun of him constantly and she made him feel like shit all the time. Except when she wasn’t making him feel like shit… but those times were few and far between.

“Skirt or jeans?” She asked, holding them up for him to choose.

“Jeans,” he scoffed. There was no way in hell he wanted her to go to a party with Brad Murphy wearing a skirt like that.

“Skirt it is,” she said, smiling wryly at him.

“Why did you even ask me?” Harry protested, feeling so offended by her.

“Cause I knew you’d pick the jeans,” she laughed as she pulled the barely there miniskirt up her legs.

“You’re really annoying,” Harry finally blurted out.

“Yeah, and I’m late. I’ve got like ten minutes to make myself presentable, so if you’re done invading my privacy, I need to finish getting ready,” she said, trying to shoo him out.

“Mum’s not going to let you go out looking like that,” Harry scoffed at her.

“Duh. That’s why I’m going to throw on a sweater over this,” she laughed confidently as she began to apply her eyeliner.

“Why do you even need to go to some dumb party anyway?” Harry asked her as she sifted through her makeup bag.

“What the hell else am I going to do on a Friday night?” She asked, waving her mascara wand in her hand. Harry’s eyebrow naturally quirked from her words. He could think of plenty they could be doing together on a Friday night.

“Horny, are we, Harry?” She asked, giving him a look of intrigue. He scoffed at her bluntness.

“You keep my secret and I might be inclined to make it worth your while,” she said as she continued to apply her makeup.

What? Were they trading secrets for hook-ups now? If so, he’d keep her secrets locked up like the Bank of England.

“Alexa, Brad is here,” they heard Anne’s voice through the door.

Harry froze immediately as he stood right next to the door, just on the other side of where his mum was. If she were to open it, he would be caught right away. Alexa’s eyes went wide as she stared at Harry, knowing it would look really bad if he were caught in her room.

“I’ll be right out!” Alexa called through the door to Anne, getting up off the bed quickly.

“Okay, sweetie,” Anne told her.

“You’re an idiot,” Alexa whispered to Harry with a smirk on her face.

“Shut it,” he mouthed back, a smirk ever-present on his face.

“Stay in here until I go downstairs or else you’re going to get us caught,” she said quietly as she grabbed her black Doc Marten boots and purse and made her way to the door.

“Shh,” she said, holding her finger up to her lips. Harry nodded at her, leaning tightly against the wall.

Alexa cracked open her door to see if the coast was clear and then turned back to Harry.

“Don’t wait up,” she said with a smirk and flipped off the light as she walked confidently out of her bedroom.

Harry set his jaw as the annoyance bubbled up inside of him again.

“Damn it,” he grumbled as he hit the back of his head lightly against her wall in frustration.

Harry tried his hardest to fall asleep that night, but he wasn’t able to even get a wink. Not with Alexa’s ridiculous curfew of half past midnight – because she and Brad were supposedly going to see a late film at the cinema after they went out to dinner. Which Harry knew was complete bullshit, of course. He lay in bed in the dark trying not to think of all the things Alexa could be doing at the stupid party. He tried not to think of her being there with Brad. He tried not to imagine her doing anything with Brad. But of course, his mind was his own worst enemy.

The only thing that settled his brain for a little while was thinking back to his birthday – the night he lost his virginity to Alexa. It was the best night of his life. He wasn’t sure how much of a pervert it probably made him to be thinking about it all the time, but he was spiraling and in need of some sort of distraction.

Just as his eyes finally closed and he started to relax, his cell phone text tone startled him back to consciousness. When he looked at the clock, it read four past midnight and he figured it might be Alexa needing a way back into the house. Harry thought about ignoring her, it was what she deserved. But being the nice guy he was, he knew he wouldn’t. He grumbled as he swiped his phone from the night stand, seeing her name at the top of the new text message.

Alexa: Come meet me outside.

Meet her outside? Now?

Harry: What? Why?

Alexa: I’ll make it worth your while.

Harry sat up straight in bed after reading the text. Weren’t those the words she used earlier? ‘If you keep my secret, I’ll make it worth your while’. Harry typed her a quick reply as he stumbled out of bed, nearly tripping on his blankets.

Harry: Give me a minute.

He threw on a pair of pajama bottoms over his boxers and a t-shirt over his head before he located his slippers and quietly made his way out of his bedroom. The house was completely still. As far as he knew, everyone was sleeping. Though, if he was in his parent’s shoes, he would make sure to stay awake until Alexa arrived home. But that was just him.

Harry opened the front door to find Alexa sitting on the front stoop smoking a cigarette.

“Since when do you smoke?” Harry scoffed at her as he quietly shut the door behind him.

“I don’t,” she said as she took another drag.

“Looks like it,” Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes as he stepped down off the steps, turning to face her.

Alexa’s eyes looked up into his as she took another drag of the cigarette. They stood like that for a few moments and Harry wondered why the hell she actually called him out there. The night air was cold on his bare arms and he silently wished he would have thrown on a sweatshirt or something.

“Was the party a bust? It’s barely midnight,” he asked her finally, annoyed by her long drawn out silence.

“No. I actually had a proper good time, Styles,” she stated matter-of-factly.

“Good for you,” he said dryly.

“It was good,” she retorted as she butted the cigarette on the step only halfway through it.

Harry watched as she dug in her purse for her perfume and sprayed herself with it before she popped an Altoid in her mouth. His patience was wearing thin when she finally acknowledged his presence again.

“Help me up?” She asked, holding out her hands for him to grab. He took an automatic step forward and pulled her up from the steps, rolling his eyes in the process, feeling so annoyed. She was absolutely frustrating.

A giggle erupted out of her mouth as she stumbled into his arms, like she had no footing.

“Are you drunk?” He asked her, coming to the realization quickly.

“Duh. I was at a party,” she said, smacking his chest lightly.

What did he know about parties? He was raised as a sheltered kid in a religious home. The closest thing to a party his parent’s ever let them go to was youth group at their church. That was why it surprised the hell out of him when his mum allowed Alexa to go on a date with Brad. Even though in the back of his mind Harry knew it was because his mum and Robin knew Brad’s parents from church. But Harry knew Brad from school and he was a total douche bag wanker.

“Don’t look so disappointed in me, Styles,” Alexa scoffed.

Harry was beginning to notice that when Alexa was feeling particularly bossy or even the slightest bit annoyed, she would call him by his surname. And well, it really was kind of hot.

“I’m not,” he told her flatly.

“Then come on,” she said as she tugged on his arm, pulling him toward the driveway.

“Where are we going?” He asked her as she moved toward Robin’s SUV.

“Shh,” she quieted him as they stopped by the side door.

Alexa gripped onto the handle and Harry was entirely surprised when it opened for her.

“What…” He gasped, looking stunned.

“I took the keys just before you came out,” she said with smirk seconds before she ambled up into the back seat, giving him a fantastic view up her miniscule skirt.

Harry stood there in the driveway looking perplexed at her as she giggled and plopped down in the seat. She was full of surprises all the time and he was always left with questions.

“Get in, Styles. And shut the door,” she barked her orders and he found himself obeying immediately.

“What are we doing in Robin’s truck?” Harry asked her as he slipped into the back seat with her. She was busy pulling her boots off her feet and he was so confused.

“Whatever we want to do,” she retorted, gripping onto the front of his t-shirt, pulling him closer to her.

“Alexa,” Harry breathed lowly.

“Just shut it,” she said as she pressed her lips against his.

Apparently they were doing this… in the back of Robin’s truck… in the driveway… in the middle of the night.

“Alexa, you’re drunk,” Harry pointed out, breaking the kiss as she pulled her leg over his, sitting astride his lap.

“So?” She questioned, looking into his eyes.

“So, you’re drunk,” he said again.

“I am perfectly capable of snogging you while I’m drunk, Harry,” she said, smirking at him in that teasing way she had.

“I just… I don’t want you to...” Harry stammered, his words trailing off.

“You don’t want me to what? Do something I’ll regret? Harry, I took your virginity in your bed on your birthday. Pretty sure this is not going to be something I’ll regret. We’re just having fun,” she said, smiling confidently at him.

“Are you sure?” He asked reluctantly.

“Oh, you are so cute, I swear,” she giggled, leaning in to kiss up his jaw line and he could feel himself immediately melting into her.

“Mmm, feeling a little stubbly. Hot,” she breathed in his ear and just the sensation of her warm breath against his skin sent a jolt of pleasure straight to his knob. He was literally hard within an instant.

Alexa’s lips met back up with his and they continued to kiss. Harry loved every second of it, especially when she bucked her hips against him in the most pleasing way ever. He thought he might lose it.

“Are you going to touch me, Harry?” She breathed seductively, pulling back.

“I don’t know. I mean, yeah. I… yeah,” he stammered, causing her to giggle at his expense. His cheeks flushed immediately as he once again felt like a complete fool in her presence.

“Then touch me,” she said as she pulled her shirt over her head.

“Wha…” Harry gasped, looking around out the windows of the vehicle to see if anyone was out there.

“Relax. Nobody can see us. It’s the middle of the night, Harry. And besides, these windows are tinted,” she reassured him.

When Harry looked back at her, she was already discarding her bra onto the floor next to her shirt.

“Alexa…” He breathed lowly.

“I told you I’d make it worth your while,” she retorted, smirking wildly at him. He couldn’t help but chuckle awkwardly. He didn’t think he would ever get used to situations like this with her.

Alexa bucked her hips once again and Harry’s breathing hitched, causing her smile to grow wider.

“God, you are so… perfect. I swear,” she giggled, leaning in to kiss him quickly as she continued to roll her hips against him in a more continuous rhythm.

Harry let out a low groan as the pleasure spread through him. He wanted her so badly. He didn’t even have enough time to think about what she just said because his hormones were completely clouding his mind. His hands slid up her sides, feeling her soft skin as she rocked against him, simultaneously kissing him as her fingers gripped into his curls.

“I have a condom,” she breathed against his lips a moment later.

“Yeah?” He asked breathlessly. He was quite literally buzzing.

“Yeah,” she confirmed, nodding her head.

“Okay,” he whispered. What? Was he supposed to say no to the prospect of sex? Sex he’d been dreaming about since the last time he had it… yeah, no.

The excitement rose up inside of him like active lava in a volcano. This was really happening.

As Alexa reached for her purse, Harry tugged his t-shirt over his head. He couldn’t believe he was about to have sex in the back of Robin’s truck. It was all sorts of wrong, but she made it feel so right.

“Lie down,” Alexa instructed as she pulled herself off of his lap.

“Alright,” he complied, immediately doing as he was told.

Everything about it was uncomfortable. He could feel the seatbelts digging into his back and the arm rest was making his head sit at an awkward angle, but as soon as Alexa’s fingers found the waistband of his pajama bottoms, all his ill feelings went out the window. He lifted his hips for her as she pulled down his bottoms and boxers to his mid-thigh.

“Here,” she said, tossing the condom onto his bare stomach as she began to pull down her skirt.

Harry put all his focus into ripping open the condom and awkwardly rolling it down his shaft. When he looked back up, Alexa was hovering over him, completely naked. And he was in complete awe.

The second their skin touched as she straddled over him, his body began to tingle with anticipation. He was so unbelievably ready for her, it was like his whole body was electrified. He was just silently praying he’d be able to keep it together. He’d really been working on drawing his orgasms out longer and longer during his alone time. But wanking and sex were two very different sexual acts.

Harry was pulled out of his thoughts by Alexa gripping onto the sides of his face as she leaned down, kissing him. Their tongues tangled and their bodies pressed together. He loved being that close with her. He loved every second of it. He loved having free reign on her and he made sure to take advantage of it as his hands slid up over her bare bum before slowly making their way up her sides.

“Are you ready, Harry?” She breathed against his lips.

“Yeah, but… can we… can I maybe sit up? I feel like my neck is going to break,” he told her.

“Oh. Ha. Yeah,” she giggled as she lifted herself up off of him so he could adjust.

Harry awkwardly got situated in the seated position before Alexa sat down astride him once again. Her lips met his for a few deep kisses before she reached down and gripped onto his knob. Pleasure skated through him and Harry let out a shuddered breath against her mouth, which caused her to smirk at him.

“Is it really that sensitive?” She asked him curiously, a devious smirk playing at her lips.

“Well, uh… I’m still not… you know, really used to someone else, uh… touching it,” he explained awkwardly as his cheeks heated up with embarrassment.

“Hmm. I wonder if you ever get used to something like that,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

“I don’t think I want to,” he told her.

“Oh,” she said, sounding disappointed as she let go of him.

“No, no. I meant I like the feeling. I wouldn’t want it to go away,” he explained.

“Oh. Well…” She said, smiling at him as she gripped onto his penis again, causing his breath to shudder once again. Which of course earned another giggle out of her.

“You know… that’s kind of hot, Styles,” she said, smirking slyly at him as she raised her hips to align herself above him.

Before Harry had a chance to respond, she was sliding down on top of him, enveloping him with herself. He couldn’t help the groan that rose up from deep within him. Harry gripped onto her hips and Alexa held onto the back of the seat as she began a slow rhythm atop him. Harry couldn’t help but relish in the tiny moans that came from her every time she pressed down against him. It was probably the sexiest thing he ever heard in his life.

When a car came down our street, the lights flashed in the windows of the vehicle and Harry was able to see just how much he was affecting her. Her head was slightly leaned back, her eyes closed as she bit firmly at her bottom lip. She was so beautiful, like an angel floating above him.

“God, Lex…” He groaned as the pleasure engulfed him.

“Mmm,” she hummed, tilting her head forward to smile down at him.

He would never recover from this girl. He was sure of it. She would be the death of him.

“Harry… I just… ohmygod,” Alexa groaned as she buried her face in the nape of his neck.

“It feels… so good,” she whimpered as her body moved a little faster on top of her. He did what he could to help her, gripping her hips a little tighter to push her along.

“It’s good for me too,” he assured her.

After a little while, he felt her body shuddered above his as she lost her rhythm and gripped tightly to him. He completely took over by bouncing her on top of him, because he knew he was close and he wanted it so badly.

“Ohmygod, Harry,” she moaned breathlessly.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asked her as he paused inside her.

“No. Keep going,” she told him and so he did.

As Harry’s toes began to curl in, he felt the pull low in his groin and the tingling in every extremity. He was close. So close. He bounced her a little bit faster to bring him to his end and soon he was groaning through his own orgasm. When he finished, they were just still. Alexa laid against his chest and it was quiet and still and peaceful and Harry never wanted to leave her arms. But it was all short-lived. It always was with her.

Soon Alexa’s head popped up, looking down into his eyes.

“What time is it?” She asked quickly.

“I don’t know,” he told her, his brain still mush from his happy-ending.

“Shit. Curfew,” she snapped as she hastily scrambled off of him, digging around for her clothes.

“Oh, shit,” Harry breathed, sitting forward to look for his own clothes in the dark.

“Where are my knickers?” She asked as she felt around on the car floor.

“Here,” he offered, turning on the overhead light.

“HARRY!” She shrieked and swiftly shut it back off.

“What?” He asked, looking at her absolutely gob-smacked.

“Do you want the whole neighborhood to see us in here? What if your parents are awake right now, looking out the window waiting for me?” She yelped at him.

“Shit,” he breathed as he slipped on his boxer shorts.

They both dressed in record speeds, Alexa bypassing even putting her boots back on as the two of them stumbled out of the truck.

“Don’t forget to lock it,” Harry reminded her.

“Right,” she said, clicking the lock button on the key fob, causing the locks to click, the lights to flash and the horn to honk just once.

“Christ. Let’s hope my parents didn’t hear that,” Harry cringed before he smirked at her.

“We should be good, I think,” she paused a moment before she let out a quiet giggle. A moment later she made her way to the front door.

“Hey, wait,” Harry told her, stopping her in her tracks.

“What, Harry? I’m going to be late,” she said impatiently as she turned back to face him.

“What if my parents are awake? Won’t it look unfavorable if I’m like, walking in with you?” Harry asked her. It was a legitimate question, really.

“Uh…” She said, looking speechless for a few moments as they both pondered their predicament.

“We can… we can just tell them I needed someone to talk to?” She offered, sounding more questionable then confident with her excuse.

“Doubt they’d buy that,” he said, giving her a whatever look.

“Well, what the hell do you want me to say? That we just fucked in Robin’s truck? I think we can pretend to like each other for a little bit,” she snapped at him.

“Yeah,” he said quietly as his cheeks blushed.

“Come on,” she said, gripping onto the door handle to open it.

The night ended with the two of them in their separate beds, like it always did, but Harry definitely had a whole new set of delicious memories to fall asleep to that night.

26 March 2010

A—

Last night you said… ‘I think we can pretend to like each other for a bit’. Well, what you don’t know is I already do like you. I probably like you way more than I should. I’m not quite sure why I like you. It completely baffles me. Honestly, my days consist of trying so hard not to like you and think about you, so I can actually get my schoolwork done and live a normal life. But it’s futile. In the end I’m always left dwelling on the fact that you are so easily unaffected by me. I am just another lad, who is obviously only there for your amusement. To you, we are just having fun. And to me, it will always mean so much more.

—H

Notes