The Journal
{F I V E}
{February 1st, 2010}
“Good morning, my birthday boy,” Anne gushed as Harry came down for breakfast that morning.
“Thanks, Mum,” he said, smirking bashfully at her as she wrapped him in her arms for a quick hug.
“Smells lovely,” he said, looking over her shoulder at the breakfast she was making.
“Chocolate chip pancakes. Your favorite,” she said, smiling as she turned back to the griddle, adding more to the heaping stack of pancakes that sat on a plate next to it.
“Yum,” he said, genuinely excited to eat them.
“It’s almost ready. Could you gather up your brothers and Alexa? And if you see Robin along the way, get him too,” she said, smiling back at him.
“Sure,” he said, feeling his cheeks blush with the mentioning of Alexa’s name.
Just eight short hours ago, he lost his virginity to her. The thought hit him hard as he walked up the stairs to find his little brothers. He wasn’t a virgin anymore. He had sex – incredibly good sex. And with everything in him, he wanted to have sex again.
“Happy Birthday, Harry,” he heard Declan’s voice. Harry looked up to see him coming out of his bedroom.
“Oh. Thanks,” Harry said, smirking at him.
“Are you okay?” Declan asked, looking at him concerned.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Hey, mum’s got breakfast ready. Will you, uh… go tell Alexa it’s ready?” Harry asked, feeling a bit awkward to see her.
“Really…” Declan said, knitting his eyebrows together.
“What?” Harry asked.
“Why can’t you?” Declan asked, looking pained.
“Why can’t you?” Harry retorted.
“I don’t want to… disturb her. It’s weird having a girl around here that isn’t Gemma or mum,” Declan said quietly. Harry knew exactly what he meant, but he didn’t want to have to be the one to call her to breakfast.
“Dec, you’re old enough not to be afraid of girls anymore. Just go get her,” Harry said, pushing his shoulder.
“I’m not afraid of girls,” Declan scoffed.
“I’ve got to go get Robin and Gavin still. Just go,” Harry said, coaxing him along.
“Fine,” he grumbled, turning on his heels to walk to Alexa’s room.
Harry quickly walked to the office, telling Robin that breakfast was ready before he went down to Gavin’s room, where he was already dressed, playing with his toys.
“Hey, mate. Breakfast time,” Harry said, leaning against his doorframe. His big wide-eyes looked up at Harry.
“I’m not hungwy,” he said firmly, his speak impediment not allowing him to say his r’s correctly.
“Gavin, you have to eat,” Harry told him as he walked deeper into his room and collapsed down on his small bed.
“No, I don’t,” Gavin countered, shaking his head as he focused back on the toys in front of him.
“Yes, you do. Don’t you want to grow up big and strong?” Harry asked him.
“Eh,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.
“Come on, little lad. Its chocolate chip pancakes,” Harry told him.
“I don’t want them,” he said stubbornly.
“Gavin, did you know it’s my birthday?” Harry asked him. Gavin’s eyes finally looked up at him again.
“It’s your buftday?” He questioned almost looking mystified.
“Yep,” Harry nodded.
“How old awe you?” He asked curiously.
“Sixteen,” Harry told him.
“Yow old,” Gavin said, scrunching his nose up.
“That may be true, but you know what?” Harry asked him.
“What?” He asked.
“It’ll make me really sad if you don’t come down and have breakfast with me on my birthday,” Harry told him.
“Hmm,” Gavin said, as he went back to playing with his toys, causing Harry to sigh.
“So Gavie, will you come eat with us?” Harry asked, sitting up on the bed.
“I guess so,” he said with a shrug.
“Brilliant. Come on,” Harry said with a smile, pleased with himself as he stood up from the bed.
When Harry came back down with Gavin, everyone was already sitting around the kitchen table. Harry’s insides turned as he saw Alexa sitting in her usual spot wearing a hoodie, looking tired, yet beautiful. He avoided looking at her as he sat down directly across from her.
“Happy birthday, Harry,” Robin said as he spread a few pancakes out on his plate.
“Happy buftday, Hawwy,” Gavin chimed in immediately after his father.
“Happy birthday, Harry,” Alexa’s voice came next, quiet but it still sent a wave of excitement through him. Harry slowly raised his head to look at her through his eyelashes.
“Thank you,” he said, watching as a sly smirk spread across her face.
His eyes were glued to Alexa’s as hers stared right back. Memories of the previous night infiltrated his mind as he tuned out his family’s chatter. He and Alexa held a huge secret from every other living soul at the table. He wished it made him feel closer to her, but he still felt like he was on the outside looking in. Just because they had sex with each other, didn’t mean he knew her or understood her any better. They were still miles apart. And something deep inside of him wanted that to change so badly. A guilt formed inside of him knowing they were doing what they were doing, yet they meant almost nothing to each other.
“Harry,” he heard Robin’s demanding tone and his head immediately snapped in his direction, looking at his step-father wide-eyed.
“Your mother is speaking to you,” Robin said, nodding his head toward his wife who was on the other side of the table.
“Oh,” Harry said, turning his head to the matriarch of their family.
“I asked you what you wanted to do today,” she said, smiling politely at him.
“Oh. I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it,” Harry said as his eyes inadvertently fell back on Alexa, who was now eating her breakfast.
“Well, whatever you want to do, we’d love to make this day special for you,” his mum said pleasantly.
Whatever he wanted to do, huh? Somehow, he didn’t think they would go for what he really wanted to do. But then again, he already got that for his birthday.
.
.
Later on that morning, Harry was sitting with his brothers watching TV in the living room when he saw Alexa walking up the stairs. Quietly, he slipped out of the living room and followed her up to her room.
“Hey,” he said quietly as he got to her bedroom doorway. She spun toward him, looking startled.
“Jesus, Harry. Don’t sneak up on me like that,” she said, smacking his arm.
“Sorry,” he said, smirking sheepishly at her.
Although he kind of liked seeing true emotion come from her. She usually kept up a front, showing everyone exactly what they wanted to see.
“What are you doing in here?” She asked, moving passed him to look out her bedroom door before she shut them up in her room.
“I don’t know. I was thinking maybe we could… I don’t know… talk,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“You want to talk?” She asked, looking at him skeptically.
“Yeah, I mean… yeah,” he said as he felt his cheeks blush.
Of course he wouldn’t mind doing other things, but mainly he wanted to see where the hell they stood and sure, he wanted to get to know her better as well.
“Alright. What do you want to talk about?” She asked, walking over to her bed, casually plopping down on it.
Harry’s eyes roamed around the room. It sure changed a lot since transforming from once being Gavin’s nursery to becoming a teenage girl’s bedroom. Harry hadn’t been in there since Alexa moved in, following his parent’s strict rule of staying out of the opposite sexes bedroom – up until now. He was breaking all the rules, why not another?
“Want to sit?” She asked, patting the bed in the empty spot right next to her.
“S-sure,” Harry stammered, moving toward her. He took the seat, but continued to look around, feeling all sorts of awkward.
“What do you want to talk about, Harry?” She asked and his head turned toward hers, their eyes meeting.
She was so beautiful and all he wanted to do was kiss her. His whole body tingled for her, remembering how she felt in his arms the night before. She was absolutely amazing. Harry’s eyes dropped down to her lips, staring longer than he should. He watched as they turned up into a smile before he looked to her eyes again.
“Do you want to kiss me, Harry?” She asked sincerely.
“Yeah,” he told her honestly. He figured there was no use in denying it.
“Then kiss me,” she told him, continuing to smile at him.
Harry leaned in, quickly connecting their lips as her fingers came up, gripping onto the back of his neck. Their lips moved fluidly with each other’s, before their mouths opened up and their tongues tangled together. Harry didn’t want to stop kissing her, but he knew he needed to say what he came in there to say – or ask, rather.
“Alexa…” Harry breathed, keeping his eyes closed as he rested his forehead against hers.
“Yeah?” She questioned, dropping her hands from his neck and pulling away from him.
“Where… where does this, uh… put us? Like, all of this,” he asked, feeling incredibly nervous.
“What do you mean?” She asked, clearly not following the meaning in his words.
“Like, what are we?” He asked hesitantly.
“What? Like, am I you’re girlfriend?” She asked with a smirk.
“Well, uh…” He stammered.
“Listen, Harry. I think you’re cute, okay. But just because we did… that, doesn’t mean I’m your girlfriend. I’m not anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t do that. So if that’s what you’re looking for, then I’m sorry to break it to you. We were just having fun,” she explained, shrugging passively.
“Oh… well. No, no. I’m quite good,” Harry stammered, trying to play it cool, even though he could feel the sting of her words deep within him.
“That’s right, Harry. You are,” she said, smirking at him and he could swear he heard the smallest hint of sarcasm in her voice.
“Well, alright,” Harry said, standing up from her bed.
“You don’t have to go,” she told him quickly.
“I uh… I’ve got some stuff I was going to do,” he told her, pointing toward her bedroom door with his thumb. He really had nothing to do. He was just trying to save face. He didn’t want her to see his true and utterly pathetic disappointment.
“Alright. See you later, Styles,” she said as he continued to move toward her door.
“Styles…” She said, stopping him, and he immediately turned his head in her direction, looking almost hopeful.
“I really do hope you have a happy birthday,” she said with a smirk.
“Thanks,” he said, giving her a smile before he slipped out her door, closing it behind him. He blew out a large breath as he ran his fingers through his already messy hair.
Yeah, happy birthday to him.
22 February 2010
A—
Three weeks. Three whole weeks passed.
What happened in those three weeks? Well, for one, you turned seventeen and went to spend that whole week with your paternal grandmother, whom you’d never even met before your week long trip.
What didn’t happen in those three weeks? Anything between you and me… at all.
It felt like you were purposely keeping your distance and I still don’t know why. You didn’t sneak into my room at night. You didn’t kiss me in the kitchen. You didn’t do anything. And I couldn’t even handle how depressed it made me.
I guess it’s true what they say: once you get a taste of something, it is all you want. In my case, it was sex – most importantly, sex with you. I wanted it so bad, but you made it clear that nothing was going on between us – pretty much less than nothing, that’s how I felt after I got shot down.
I should be grateful it happened at all, though, right? Then why do I feel so deprived? And it’s not just the sex either, I promise. I miss being close with you. I don’t care if that makes me sound pathetic. At least it’s the truth.
—H
“Good morning, my birthday boy,” Anne gushed as Harry came down for breakfast that morning.
“Thanks, Mum,” he said, smirking bashfully at her as she wrapped him in her arms for a quick hug.
“Smells lovely,” he said, looking over her shoulder at the breakfast she was making.
“Chocolate chip pancakes. Your favorite,” she said, smiling as she turned back to the griddle, adding more to the heaping stack of pancakes that sat on a plate next to it.
“Yum,” he said, genuinely excited to eat them.
“It’s almost ready. Could you gather up your brothers and Alexa? And if you see Robin along the way, get him too,” she said, smiling back at him.
“Sure,” he said, feeling his cheeks blush with the mentioning of Alexa’s name.
Just eight short hours ago, he lost his virginity to her. The thought hit him hard as he walked up the stairs to find his little brothers. He wasn’t a virgin anymore. He had sex – incredibly good sex. And with everything in him, he wanted to have sex again.
“Happy Birthday, Harry,” he heard Declan’s voice. Harry looked up to see him coming out of his bedroom.
“Oh. Thanks,” Harry said, smirking at him.
“Are you okay?” Declan asked, looking at him concerned.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Hey, mum’s got breakfast ready. Will you, uh… go tell Alexa it’s ready?” Harry asked, feeling a bit awkward to see her.
“Really…” Declan said, knitting his eyebrows together.
“What?” Harry asked.
“Why can’t you?” Declan asked, looking pained.
“Why can’t you?” Harry retorted.
“I don’t want to… disturb her. It’s weird having a girl around here that isn’t Gemma or mum,” Declan said quietly. Harry knew exactly what he meant, but he didn’t want to have to be the one to call her to breakfast.
“Dec, you’re old enough not to be afraid of girls anymore. Just go get her,” Harry said, pushing his shoulder.
“I’m not afraid of girls,” Declan scoffed.
“I’ve got to go get Robin and Gavin still. Just go,” Harry said, coaxing him along.
“Fine,” he grumbled, turning on his heels to walk to Alexa’s room.
Harry quickly walked to the office, telling Robin that breakfast was ready before he went down to Gavin’s room, where he was already dressed, playing with his toys.
“Hey, mate. Breakfast time,” Harry said, leaning against his doorframe. His big wide-eyes looked up at Harry.
“I’m not hungwy,” he said firmly, his speak impediment not allowing him to say his r’s correctly.
“Gavin, you have to eat,” Harry told him as he walked deeper into his room and collapsed down on his small bed.
“No, I don’t,” Gavin countered, shaking his head as he focused back on the toys in front of him.
“Yes, you do. Don’t you want to grow up big and strong?” Harry asked him.
“Eh,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.
“Come on, little lad. Its chocolate chip pancakes,” Harry told him.
“I don’t want them,” he said stubbornly.
“Gavin, did you know it’s my birthday?” Harry asked him. Gavin’s eyes finally looked up at him again.
“It’s your buftday?” He questioned almost looking mystified.
“Yep,” Harry nodded.
“How old awe you?” He asked curiously.
“Sixteen,” Harry told him.
“Yow old,” Gavin said, scrunching his nose up.
“That may be true, but you know what?” Harry asked him.
“What?” He asked.
“It’ll make me really sad if you don’t come down and have breakfast with me on my birthday,” Harry told him.
“Hmm,” Gavin said, as he went back to playing with his toys, causing Harry to sigh.
“So Gavie, will you come eat with us?” Harry asked, sitting up on the bed.
“I guess so,” he said with a shrug.
“Brilliant. Come on,” Harry said with a smile, pleased with himself as he stood up from the bed.
When Harry came back down with Gavin, everyone was already sitting around the kitchen table. Harry’s insides turned as he saw Alexa sitting in her usual spot wearing a hoodie, looking tired, yet beautiful. He avoided looking at her as he sat down directly across from her.
“Happy birthday, Harry,” Robin said as he spread a few pancakes out on his plate.
“Happy buftday, Hawwy,” Gavin chimed in immediately after his father.
“Happy birthday, Harry,” Alexa’s voice came next, quiet but it still sent a wave of excitement through him. Harry slowly raised his head to look at her through his eyelashes.
“Thank you,” he said, watching as a sly smirk spread across her face.
His eyes were glued to Alexa’s as hers stared right back. Memories of the previous night infiltrated his mind as he tuned out his family’s chatter. He and Alexa held a huge secret from every other living soul at the table. He wished it made him feel closer to her, but he still felt like he was on the outside looking in. Just because they had sex with each other, didn’t mean he knew her or understood her any better. They were still miles apart. And something deep inside of him wanted that to change so badly. A guilt formed inside of him knowing they were doing what they were doing, yet they meant almost nothing to each other.
“Harry,” he heard Robin’s demanding tone and his head immediately snapped in his direction, looking at his step-father wide-eyed.
“Your mother is speaking to you,” Robin said, nodding his head toward his wife who was on the other side of the table.
“Oh,” Harry said, turning his head to the matriarch of their family.
“I asked you what you wanted to do today,” she said, smiling politely at him.
“Oh. I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it,” Harry said as his eyes inadvertently fell back on Alexa, who was now eating her breakfast.
“Well, whatever you want to do, we’d love to make this day special for you,” his mum said pleasantly.
Whatever he wanted to do, huh? Somehow, he didn’t think they would go for what he really wanted to do. But then again, he already got that for his birthday.
.
.
Later on that morning, Harry was sitting with his brothers watching TV in the living room when he saw Alexa walking up the stairs. Quietly, he slipped out of the living room and followed her up to her room.
“Hey,” he said quietly as he got to her bedroom doorway. She spun toward him, looking startled.
“Jesus, Harry. Don’t sneak up on me like that,” she said, smacking his arm.
“Sorry,” he said, smirking sheepishly at her.
Although he kind of liked seeing true emotion come from her. She usually kept up a front, showing everyone exactly what they wanted to see.
“What are you doing in here?” She asked, moving passed him to look out her bedroom door before she shut them up in her room.
“I don’t know. I was thinking maybe we could… I don’t know… talk,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“You want to talk?” She asked, looking at him skeptically.
“Yeah, I mean… yeah,” he said as he felt his cheeks blush.
Of course he wouldn’t mind doing other things, but mainly he wanted to see where the hell they stood and sure, he wanted to get to know her better as well.
“Alright. What do you want to talk about?” She asked, walking over to her bed, casually plopping down on it.
Harry’s eyes roamed around the room. It sure changed a lot since transforming from once being Gavin’s nursery to becoming a teenage girl’s bedroom. Harry hadn’t been in there since Alexa moved in, following his parent’s strict rule of staying out of the opposite sexes bedroom – up until now. He was breaking all the rules, why not another?
“Want to sit?” She asked, patting the bed in the empty spot right next to her.
“S-sure,” Harry stammered, moving toward her. He took the seat, but continued to look around, feeling all sorts of awkward.
“What do you want to talk about, Harry?” She asked and his head turned toward hers, their eyes meeting.
She was so beautiful and all he wanted to do was kiss her. His whole body tingled for her, remembering how she felt in his arms the night before. She was absolutely amazing. Harry’s eyes dropped down to her lips, staring longer than he should. He watched as they turned up into a smile before he looked to her eyes again.
“Do you want to kiss me, Harry?” She asked sincerely.
“Yeah,” he told her honestly. He figured there was no use in denying it.
“Then kiss me,” she told him, continuing to smile at him.
Harry leaned in, quickly connecting their lips as her fingers came up, gripping onto the back of his neck. Their lips moved fluidly with each other’s, before their mouths opened up and their tongues tangled together. Harry didn’t want to stop kissing her, but he knew he needed to say what he came in there to say – or ask, rather.
“Alexa…” Harry breathed, keeping his eyes closed as he rested his forehead against hers.
“Yeah?” She questioned, dropping her hands from his neck and pulling away from him.
“Where… where does this, uh… put us? Like, all of this,” he asked, feeling incredibly nervous.
“What do you mean?” She asked, clearly not following the meaning in his words.
“Like, what are we?” He asked hesitantly.
“What? Like, am I you’re girlfriend?” She asked with a smirk.
“Well, uh…” He stammered.
“Listen, Harry. I think you’re cute, okay. But just because we did… that, doesn’t mean I’m your girlfriend. I’m not anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t do that. So if that’s what you’re looking for, then I’m sorry to break it to you. We were just having fun,” she explained, shrugging passively.
“Oh… well. No, no. I’m quite good,” Harry stammered, trying to play it cool, even though he could feel the sting of her words deep within him.
“That’s right, Harry. You are,” she said, smirking at him and he could swear he heard the smallest hint of sarcasm in her voice.
“Well, alright,” Harry said, standing up from her bed.
“You don’t have to go,” she told him quickly.
“I uh… I’ve got some stuff I was going to do,” he told her, pointing toward her bedroom door with his thumb. He really had nothing to do. He was just trying to save face. He didn’t want her to see his true and utterly pathetic disappointment.
“Alright. See you later, Styles,” she said as he continued to move toward her door.
“Styles…” She said, stopping him, and he immediately turned his head in her direction, looking almost hopeful.
“I really do hope you have a happy birthday,” she said with a smirk.
“Thanks,” he said, giving her a smile before he slipped out her door, closing it behind him. He blew out a large breath as he ran his fingers through his already messy hair.
Yeah, happy birthday to him.
22 February 2010
A—
Three weeks. Three whole weeks passed.
What happened in those three weeks? Well, for one, you turned seventeen and went to spend that whole week with your paternal grandmother, whom you’d never even met before your week long trip.
What didn’t happen in those three weeks? Anything between you and me… at all.
It felt like you were purposely keeping your distance and I still don’t know why. You didn’t sneak into my room at night. You didn’t kiss me in the kitchen. You didn’t do anything. And I couldn’t even handle how depressed it made me.
I guess it’s true what they say: once you get a taste of something, it is all you want. In my case, it was sex – most importantly, sex with you. I wanted it so bad, but you made it clear that nothing was going on between us – pretty much less than nothing, that’s how I felt after I got shot down.
I should be grateful it happened at all, though, right? Then why do I feel so deprived? And it’s not just the sex either, I promise. I miss being close with you. I don’t care if that makes me sound pathetic. At least it’s the truth.
—H
I need an update STAT! Soooo good
8/30/18