The Journal

In the following days, Alexa became even more cryptic – ignoring what they did, ignoring him completely, and pretty much ignoring the whole family altogether. She shut herself up in her room practically all day long, only coming out for family meals. Harry was certain it was his fault – that he messed her up. He should have controlled himself better than he did. He should have told her he was going to come instead of springing it on her the way he did. He was certain he traumatized her and now she wanted nothing to do with him, or his entire family. Harry avoided eye contact when she was in his presence, but he watched her from afar. She seemed so sad and it pained him so much.
One night after dinner, Harry overheard his mum and step-father talking in the kitchen. His mum mentioned she took Alexa to her mother’s grave to be with her on her birthday. And it dawned on him that Alexa was sad over missing her mum, not because of him. He didn’t even fathom her mood change to be anything else, because he was so wrapped up in himself – in what they were doing with each other. He didn’t stop to look at the big picture. He hated himself when he found relief that it wasn’t him who put the pain in her eyes and sadness in her heart.
Harry kept his distance, giving Alexa time to process her feelings. Since her mother died, it seemed like the only true emotion he ever saw her express was sadness – well, sadness and smugness. He told himself, from that point on he would do everything in his power to make her happy, to make her feel like she truly belonged with his family, because she did. She was just as much a part of the family as any of them now – in the non-related kind of way, of course.

{January 31st, 2010}
“Come here, love,” Harry heard his mother say as he passed the living room to head to his bedroom the night before his sixteenth birthday. He stopped in his tracks and turned toward her with a smile on his face.
“Come here,” she said, smiling back, waving her hand in a sweeping motion as she set the book she was reading down on the small table next to the couch.
Harry nodded his head and walked toward her, sitting beside her. She immediately wrapped both of her arms around him, hugging him tightly against her body.
“I love you so much, Harry,” she breathed into his hair.
“I love you too, Mum,” he said, smiling to himself.
It always caught him off guard when his mother got emotional. He supposed it was because she was surrounded by a house full of lads most of the time. She was bound to get weepy every once in a while, having to put up with all that testosterone. Even having Alexa around wasn’t helping too much lately, since she’d practically become a shut-in the past couple of weeks.
“You know, I’m so proud of you. You’re growing into such an amazing man,” Anne told him, looking down at him as she continued to hold him close.
“Thanks,” he said, feeling a slight blush rise in his cheeks.
“I can’t believe you’re going to be sixteen. Uhh. I still remember the day you were born like it was yesterday,” she said, looking off across the room, but Harry knew she wasn’t seeing the wall that was in her line of vision. She was seeing only her memories of that day.
“It was so cold. Oh my goodness. It was unnaturally cold, but for some reason with you inside of me, you kept me toasty warm. You were my little ball of sunshine,” she told him and he gave a little chuckle. He’d heard the story many times, but he let her keep going because she loved telling it.
“When I went into labor, I didn’t even realize it. I thought it was just those fake contractions pregnant mother’s get sometimes. I had them all the time with Gemma. But they weren’t fake with you. You were ready to make your entrance into the world and I was certainly ready to meet you. But you weren’t quite as eager as I was, apparently. Eighteen hours of labor with you, mister,” she said, smirking playfully at him and he gave her a face full of sympathy. He couldn’t imagine being in pain for eighteen hours straight.
“We didn’t know if you’d be a boy or a girl. But you were a blessing either way. And when I finally got my baby boy, I was quite literally in Heaven. And I love you so much. You’re so special, Harry,” she continued. Harry settled his body against hers, relaxing himself completely. He really did enjoy being the center of attention.
“Eighteen hours was worth it for you, my love. And that morning you arrived at—” She continued.
“9:58 am,” he finished for her with a smile, knowing exactly what she was going to say.
“That’s right,” she said, smiling down at him.
“I remember,” he told her with a smile.
“I guess so,” she chuckled. Harry let out a small laugh, waiting for her to continue.
“And tomorrow at 9:58 am, you’ll be turning sixteen – well on your way to becoming a man,” she sighed contently.
“I thought I was a man,” he chuckled.
“You’re a young man. And you’re turning in to such a beautiful person. I just love you so much,” she cooed, leaning in to kiss his forehead.
“Thanks, Mum,” he said with a smile.
A peaceful silence engulfed them momentarily as Harry sat in his mother’s arms. And he thought about how happy he truly was. And it made him think about the sad girl down the hall in her bedroom.
“Mum, is Alexa okay?” Harry asked curiously.
“Lexie will be okay, honey. She’s just… she just misses her mum,” she told him, running her fingers idly through his fluffy hair.
“She’s been… she’s been even more sad than usual,” Harry pointed out.
“Grace’s birthday was last week, baby. It was her first birthday since she’s been gone. Alexa just needs some time to grieve and come to terms with everything. It’s a hard thing – losing a parent. You and I are fortunate. We both still have our mother’s and father’s,” she explained.
“I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost you or dad or even Robin,” Harry told her.
“Lucky for you, we’re not going anywhere anytime soon,” she said optimistically.
“You can’t be sure of that,” he said, feeling a lump form in his throat.
“You’re right, baby. But your father and Robin and I are very healthy and we’re very careful. We want to ensure we’re around for a long, long time,” she told him. He nodded, letting out a small breath.
“I love you. You have such a big heart,” she said, squeezing him in her arms.
“I’d be lost without you,” Harry said, wrapping his arms tightly around the woman who gave him life.
“Oh, love. I’m here, okay. I want you to be happy, okay. No more dwelling on such things. Your birthday is in a few hours. This is a happy time. I want you to be happy,” she said, kissing his forehead again.
“I am happy,” he told her.
“Good. Now, head on to bed. I’ll have a big birthday breakfast ready for you in the morning,” she told him with a smile.
“Thanks, Mum. I love you,” he told her.
“I love you too, baby,” she cooed as he pulled himself out of her arms and off of the couch.
Once Harry reached his room, he collapsed down on his bed and let sleep take him right away without even realizing how tired he was.

“Harry…” He heard, feeling a slight jarring to his side, waking him up from his sleep.
“Hmm,” he breathed, opening his eyes, finding only darkness.
“Hey,” he heard Alexa’s voice.
“Hey,” he croaked out, sitting up slowly as he grasped for his glasses on his nightstand. Once they were on her silhouette came into view through the darkness.
“What are you— are you okay?” He asked, reaching to turn on his bedside lamp.
Once the soft light flooded the room, he could see her completely. She was perched on the end of his bed, sitting on the backs of her legs, looking straight at him. She was wearing a small pair of shorts and an oversized white t-shirt. Harry casually wondered if perhaps she was wearing one of his many white t-shirts. He almost hoped it was his. He liked the idea of her wearing his clothes.
“I’m okay,” she said with a nod, looking down at her knees.
“Okay,” he said quietly. She looked back up into his eyes as a smirk formed at the edge of her lips.
“Happy Birthday,” she said through her smile.
“Oh,” he said, looking over at his alarm clock. It was half passed one in the morning.
“Thanks,” he said, smiling back at her.
She pulled herself up on her knees and crawled up toward him, leaving a soft kiss on his lips. She pulled back just slightly, her eyes penetrating straight through his.
“Are you really okay? I mean, with everything that happened… you know, between us,” he asked her.
“I’m fine, Styles,” she said with the slightest hint of annoyance in her tone, but she kept that smirk on her lips.
“Okay,” he said quietly, dropping his gaze from her eyes to her mouth. He watched as she licked her lips, still on her hands and knees, hovering above his lap.
“Do you want to talk about it? Or I mean… anything. Do you want to talk?” He stammered, wanting to be an outlet for her. He knew she might need someone to talk to, but when he saw the smirk drop off of her face, he knew she didn’t.
“No. I don’t want to talk. That’s not why I came in here,” she said, keeping her hardened expression.
“Oh,” he said, letting his eyes wander slightly before his brain registered what she said.
“W-why did you come in here?” He asked, meeting her eyes again before he looked behind her to see the door was closed.
His heart began pounding in his chest thinking happy thoughts – very, very happy thoughts.
“I don’t know. To wish you a happy birthday,” she said with a smirk.
“Thank you,” he breathed, swallowing hard, just waiting for her to do something, anything.
She wasn’t retreating away from him. She just kept staring at him. And then she leaned in to kiss him again and he kissed her back. As she began pulling away again, Harry reached out to pull her closer until she was sitting atop his lap. She gave him a mischievous smile and he could see the lust in her eyes and he knew his eyes mirrored hers exactly.
“I like when you wear your glasses,” she breathed, touching her index finger lightly to the top of the frames.
“I like when you kiss me,” he told her honestly.
She leaned in kissing him hard on the mouth before she eased up slightly, beginning a slow delicate rhythm against his lips with her own. Harry had little-to-no sexual experience, but in the moment, he felt relaxed and bold. He was enjoying every second with her. All the worry left his body and he was just there with Alexa.
He let his hands trail up the bottom of her shirt – or more preferably, his shirt that she was wearing – guiding his fingertips effortlessly over the soft skin stretched across the small of her back. He really never wanted to stop kissing her and he certainly never wanted to stop touching her.
He could already feel himself getting aroused. She was sitting atop his lap after all, in minimal clothing and her tongue was in his mouth. Any straight male would be affected by her in the same situation.
“Harry…” She breathed between kisses.
“Hmm,” he hummed against her lips.
“Do you want to touch me?” She asked lowly.
“Uh-huh,” he told her honestly as he kissed down her jaw line.
“Do you want to do other stuff with me?” She asked quietly.
“Uh-huh,” he said as his lips trailed down her neck. He was really, truly getting the hang of this whole making-out, playful stuff with Alexa.
“And what about sex?” She asked bluntly, completely catching him off guard.
“What?” He choked out, pulling back to look her in the eye. He hadn’t even realized that was an option.
“Sex,” she said again, clarifying.
She said it so matter-of-factly. He didn’t know how to react. There was no hesitation in her voice. She just said it, like it was just some casual thing. And maybe it was to her. Maybe sex was just something she did to pass the time. But it meant a whole lot to him.
“Uh… I mean… uh…” Harry stammered, unable to sync his mouth and his brain.
“Did I make you uncomfortable?” She asked, sitting down on his legs underneath her.
“No. I mean… well… not really. You just kind of caught me off— off guard. I didn’t realize we were there… that we were at that point,” he said, blundering his words like a fool.
“We’re just having fun, right?” She said, smirking at him.
“Yeah… yeah, I mean… I’m having fun,” he said, nodding.
“So, what do you think? Do you want to lose your virginity on your birthday?” She asked, giving him one of her infamous mischievous smiles.
“Why would you assume I’m a virgin?” He asked, puffing out his chest slightly.
“Harry, you’re a virgin. You don’t have to act all macho with me,” she said, giving him a knowing look.
Harry scoffed through a laugh as his cheeks burned with blush. Who was he fooling anyway? Obviously not her.
“So…” She said impatiently, trying to meet their gazes.
“I mean… yeah,” he said, finally making eye contact.
“You mean yeah?” She smirked at him.
“Yes, okay. Yes,” he said, rolling his eyes at her.
“We don’t have to. I can just… go,” she said playfully, pointing her thumb back toward the door.
“Shut it,” he said, pulling her closer to him, giving her a quick kiss on the lips.
“So, okay?” She asked, quirking an eyebrow.
“Okay,” he agreed.
“I’ll be right back,” she said, scrambling off of his lap and then off of his bed.
He watched as she darted toward the door and quietly slipped out, leaving the door ajar just a crack. Once she was gone, he could finally breathe. And his brain could actually catch a break instead of jumbling constantly while he was in her presence. Did she really just proposed what he thought she did? Were they really about to have sex?
Quickly, Harry pulled himself out of bed. He had a few things that needed to be done if he was going to be getting intimate with Alexa. He walked to his dresser and grabbed his deodorant stick, applying a thin layer to his pits before spritzing a tiny bit of cologne on his chest and down his boxers. Without a sound, he slipped out of his bedroom and went into the bathroom. In record speeds, he brushed his teeth and relieved himself before tip-toeing back to his room. When he pushed open the door, he looked up to see Alexa waiting for him on his bed, her eyes watching every move he made. It was the best thing he’d ever seen. The anticipation was nearly crippling him.
“Hi,” he whispered as he quietly closed and locked his door.
“I thought you disappeared,” she said, smirking at him.
“No, I… I just had to go to the toilet,” he told her as he walked slowly to his bed.
He was nervous. He could feel the anxiety building in his chest. He was never this close with a girl on all these different levels. It made him want to get even closer with Alexa. But she always seemed to be fighting it. It seemed like everything they did was purely physical, like they were nothing more to each other than primitive beings.
“I’ve come prepared,” she said, holding out her hand.
Harry stepped forward to see a condom resting in her palm. His heart beat even faster in his chest at the sight of it.
“Oh. Yeah. Shit. I didn’t even think of that,” he said, running his fingers through his wild hair, feeling like a complete idiot.
“If we’re going to do this, we’re not going to make mistakes,” she told him.
“Yeah. You’re right,” he said, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat.
“Are you okay, Styles?” She asked, cocking her head to the right as she studied his face.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Why? Do I not look okay?” He asked, knitting his eyebrows together.
“You look a little… nervous,” she said with a smirk.
“Nervous? Well, yeah. I guess. I mean… yeah,” he stammered.
“You’re cute,” she said, pulling herself up on her knees on the bed, grabbing onto his t-shirt to pull him toward her.
His knees hit the mattress as she pressed their lips together, wrapping her arms around his neck. His hands fell to her hips, kissing her back with everything in him. A shot of confidence raced through him and he pulled off her t-shirt, revealing her breasts. His fingertips slid across her sides. Her skin was so soft. It made him want to touch every inch of her. Alexa giggled against his mouth, pulling her lips from his.
“That tickles,” she said, smiling up at him, pushing his hands away from her rib cage.
“Sorry,” he said, smirking down at her.
“It’s okay,” she told him as she pulled her arms away from around his neck.
Harry looked down just as she pushed his boxer briefs off his hips. He sucked in a breath, before letting it out. She immediately went to ripping open the condom and all he could do was watch and let her do her thing. At least one of them knew what they were doing.
The second her fingers touched his cock, he was losing his mind. He tried to pay attention, to watch as she rolled the condom down his shaft, but he was too lost in his own pleasure. It was all so new to him and at times, he didn’t quite know how to handle himself. But he knew he wanted to remember every moment, so he did his best when it came to focusing on the things she was doing.
“Are you okay?” She asked as she finished pushing his boxer briefs down to the floor.
“You don’t have to keep asking. I’m fine, Lex,” he said, feeling his cheeks blush.
He never called her anything but Alexa. His mother called her Lexie, but no one else in the house called her anything but Alexa. And there he was calling her Lex. He secretly hoped she didn’t mind, because he wouldn’t mind having free reign to call her anything he wanted
“Are you ready?” She smirked at him as he kicked out of his underpants.
“I-I am,” he said with a nod.
“Good,” she said with a smile, giving him a quick kiss on the lips before she crawled up the mattress and pulled down her shorts and panties, kicking them off.
“Come here,” she said, smirking at him. It took him a moment to process his thoughts, seeing as she was completely naked in his bed. It was the most he’d seen of her – of any girl really. And he enjoyed it to no end. He was so incredibly hard as he watched her. She was absolutely magnificent.
A moment later, he crawled up the bed toward her, immediately attaching his lips to hers.
“Be gentle,” she told him a second later. He looked down at her, intrigued. And she looked up at him with a playfully smile.
“I… yeah,” he breathed, hoping he would be able to control himself. He had no idea what it would feel like, but if it was anything like getting a blow job, then he was in for a good time.
Harry leaned down kissing her again before he felt her gently grab ahold of his penis, lining them up with each other.
This was it.
When he pushed slowly inside her, it was like instant pleasure. He didn’t even know how to describe it. He couldn’t describe it. He heard a low moan come out of Alexa’s throat and it only added to the whole experience.
“Is that okay?” He breathed, looking down at her, trying to read her expression.
“Perfect,” she whispered, looking up into his eyes.
“Good,” he said, noticing a little vulnerability in her expression and he wondered where she hid that emotion all this time.

Notes