The Journal

Harry’s phone rang, startling him out of his sleep. It was a number he didn’t recognize, but he answered it anyway.

“Hello?” He croaked into the receiver.

“Harry? Is this Harry?” He heard a girl’s startling voice over the line.

“Uh, yeah,” he said awkwardly as he sat up in bed, leaning back against his head board. He was so confused on who it possibly could be.

“Listen, this is Alexa’s friend Mallory—” She went on and visions of Alexa’s red-headed friend came to his mind.

“Oh,” he interjected, nodding his head.

“Alexa is like, stupid drunk right now. She’s like puking her guts out and stuff,” she told him with a mild amount of concern in her tone, whereas Harry shot up stick-straight at the information.

“Wait – is she okay?” Harry asked her, feeling frantic, running his fingers quickly through his hair.

“Well, I mean, she’s puking. But I don’t know, I guess. She just… she keeps asking for you,” Mallory told him blandly.

“What? Me?” He asked, throwing the blankets off of himself before kicking his legs over the side of the bed.

“Yeah. She wanted me to call you so you could come get her,” she told him.

“Where are you?” He quickly quickly as he grabbed his jeans off the floor and ripped them up his legs.

“We’re at a party in Wilmslow,” Mallory informed him.

“Text me the address. I’m on my way,” he told her.

“O-okay,” Mallory agreed.

“Let her know I’m coming,” Harry said finally before ending the call.

He dressed quickly, waiting on bated-breath for the text with the address to come through and when it did, he grabbed Robin’s keys and ran out the door.

It took less than twenty minutes to get to Wilmslow, only because he broke the speed limit the whole way. He parked down the road from the house, because there were so many cars parked in front of it in true house-party fashion. There were drunk people everywhere and it made Harry wonder why the party hadn’t been broken up by the police yet.

Harry was desperate to find Alexa, but he didn’t want to come across as such. He just quietly made his way into the house – passed the drunk blokes smoking by the garage, passed the guy and the girl snogging on the front step. As he scanned the crowd, he realized he knew absolutely no one at the party. Panic set in when he couldn’t find Alexa. Was he being led on a wild goose chase?

“Hey, hottie,” he heard and saw a very drunk brunette leering at him from the couch.

“Uh, hey,” he said awkwardly, still trying to scan the crowd for a familiar face.

“What’s your name?” She questioned, eyeing him up.

“Hey, I’m, uh… I’m looking for someone. Do you know a girl named Alexa? Alexa Weis?” Harry asked her.

“Uh, nope. Never heard of her,” the girl told him.

“Shit,” he said under his breath, looking around again.

“Is she your girl or what?” she asked curiously.

“Or what…” Harry said quietly as he walked toward the kitchen.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a head of wild red hair and knew for certain it was Mallory. She was laughing with some mates in the corner of the kitchen as Harry immediately stalked over to her.

“Mallory, where is she?” He said as he gripped her arm.

“Oh, hey… Harry, right?” She cooed, smiling drunkly at him before throwing her arm around his shoulder, barely able to keep herself standing.

“Where is Alexa, Mallory?” Harry snapped at her, pulling her arm off of him, making sure she could stand on her own.

“Uh, in one of the bedroom’s. She went to lie down after she finished puking,” she told him, pointing toward the hallway.

Harry immediately made his way in that general direction. There were so many closed doors, the thought of not being able to find her was working his nerves to their limit. He threw open the door on the first bedroom and found two people heavily snogging.

“Oh, sorry,” Harry said sheepishly and started closing the door.

“Harry?” He heard Alexa’s voice and his head snapped up. He quickly flipped on the light and saw some random bloke laying on top of Alexa’s half naked body.

“Alexa, get up,” Harry said sternly.

“What are you doing here?” She giggled as she wiped at her mouth. That was when he realized how drunk she really was.

“I came to get you, like you asked,” Harry told her through gritted teeth, his eyes glaring at the bloke on top of her, who wasn’t getting off of her even in his presence.

“Why would you—” She started.

“Get off of her,” Harry snapped at the dude.

“What the fuck, mate? Get outta here,” he scoffed at Harry.

“Get. The. Fuck. Off. Of. Her,” Harry said, stomping toward the bed as is blood boiled with anger. The bloke was bigger than him, but he was going to do what he needed to do to get him to back-the-fuck-off.

“Harry!” Alexa shouted, pushing up on the guy’s chest. When he finally sat up, Harry realized Alexa was completely topless – her shirt and bra nowhere in sight.

“Alexa, let’s go now,” Harry told her firmly as she covered her chest with her arms.

“She doesn’t want to,” the bloke said with thick attitude.

“Oh, fuck off,” Harry retorted with just as much attitude.

“Listen here—” The dude started to say, moving toward Harry, causing Alexa to scramble onto her knees, pressing a hand to the guy’s chest.

“Harry! God!” Alexa snapped at him.

“Alexa, come on. We can go somewhere else,” the guy told her.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Alexa – with this bloke?” Harry scoffed at her and her eyes narrowed into a glare, shot straight at him.

“Get dressed, we’re leaving,” Harry told her sternly. She didn’t question it again as she got out of the bed, grabbing her shirt and bra off the floor.

Harry glared at the dumbfounded guy who sat on the bed as Alexa dressed herself.

“Let’s go,” Harry said finally, grabbing her arm, leading her out of the bedroom.

“Why are you even here, Harry?” She snapped at him as they left the bedroom without another word or look in the other bloke’s direction.

“While you were puking your guts out, your best friend called me and told me you were asking for me. So here I am. Let’s go,” Harry told her angrily.

“What if I don’t want to go? You can’t make me leave, Harry!” Alexa protested, stopping in her tracks, being stubborn for no reason.

“We’re leaving. Let’s go,” he said, gripping tighter to her arm as he guided her out of the house.

“Let go of me!” She snapped at him once they were in the front yard, quickly ripping her arm out of his grasp.

“Alexa, Jesus Christ…” Harry growled under his breath, looking back at her.

“You can’t just come here and… and do that!” Alexa snapped at him.

“Do what? Keep you from sleeping with a bloke you don’t even know? A bloke you won’t remember in the morning?” He yelled at her.

“It’s none of your business,” Alexa snapped.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Alexa,” Harry said lowly as he walked toward the car. He wasn’t going to continue fighting with her in the front lawn of this random house. Luckily enough, she stalked after him.

“You don’t own me!” She yelled at him.

“I’m well aware, Alexa. Believe me,” Harry scoffed at her as he unlocked the truck with the key fob.

“You don’t get to choose what I do with my body!” Alexa growled.

“I never said I did. But I can have a set of expectations for someone who I choose to sleep with. And for someone who is a part of my family,” Harry shot back at her as he got into the driver seat. The two sentences put together sounded wrong as they came out of his mouth, but he had to remind himself that just because she was a part of his family didn’t mean they were related.

She stopped to glare at him once she opened the passenger door and Harry couldn’t help but feel almost triumphant to be able to leave her speechless for once.

The ride home was unbearably quiet. Alexa spent the whole time looking out the passenger window, ignoring him. He didn’t know what else to say to her. He never really did.

When they got home Harry helped her into the house, trying to be as quiet as possible. She was staggering everywhere, which led him to believe she wasn’t in her right mind when she was in the bedroom with the dude in the first place.

Harry got her into her room and sat her on her bed. And for some reason, she looked so lost, so empty.

“Are you okay, Alexa?” Harry asked her carefully.

“I-I need some water,” she said quietly.

“Okay. I’ll get you some. Wait here,” he told her and tip-toed out of her room, hoping he wouldn’t wake his parents in the process.

Harry went down to the kitchen and ran her a glass of water and grabbed a couple of pain reliever pills to help her rid the hangover before it even came.

When he went back to her room, she was still sitting in the same spot in the dark.

“Alexa?” Harry questioned, walking over to turn on her bedside lamp. He set the cup and the pills down and turned toward her. He was taken aback when he saw her tears.

“Alexa, what’s the matter?” He asked, sitting down next to her. He hesitated, not sure if he should put his arm around her, but when he heard a soft sob escape from her, he knew he should.

“Why am I like this? Why—” She cried with her face in her hands. She looked so small and delicate. And all Harry could do was rub her back softly. He had no idea what to say to comfort her.

“She wouldn’t be proud of me…” She continued and his heart wrenched in his chest realizing she was talking about her mother.

“Your mum would be so proud of you, Alexa. You’re a good person,” Harry breathed, trying to sound as honest as possible because he believed it.

“I’m not… I’m terrible. I’m a terrible person,” she cried.

“You’re not. I promise you,” he tried to reassure her.

“I’m sleeping with you. I’m having sex with you behind everyone’s back. She would be disappointed in me,” she whimpered.

“It’s not so bad, Alexa. Look at everything else. You’re… you’re a big part of this family. You help around here – you help all of us. You’re a great big sister to Gavin. You graduated and got almost straight A’s in school. You got accepted into Uni—” He told her. There was a slight twinge in his heart with the last one, because he knew it would mean she would have to leave in the end – leaving him all alone as she started a new life at school.

“You’ve overcome so much in such a short time. I know it wasn’t easy for you after she—” His words cut off when he saw the sudden glare in Alexa’s eyes. Her mother’s passing was still a sore subject for her.

“Wouldn’t it be good to talk about her?” Harry managed to croak out, fully expecting to get his head bitten off.

“Why—why would you want to talk to me about it?” She questioned, wiping her hand across her nose.

“Because I care,” he told her honestly.

She closed her eyes tightly and held her breath. He knew this wasn’t easy for her.

“You’re book – To Kill a Mockingbird – it was hers, wasn’t it?” Harry asked a question he bottle up inside of him for quite some time.

Alexa let out her breath and looked at him with tear-filled eyes.

“That’s why it’s always with you – why you’re always reading it,” Harry pointed out.

“It was her favorite book. It was her copy. She… she stole it from school,” she explained as her lips turned up into a small smile. Harry couldn’t help but smile with her.

“I just… I miss her so much. It’s not fair,” she cried.

“It’s not fair. And it sucks. But you… she would be so proud of you, Alexa. I know it,” he told her, hoping she believed him.

“I’m just… I’m so sick of watching the minutes tick away as I go absolutely nowhere,” Alexa said quietly.

“You’re not going nowhere,” he reassured her.

“I’m scared,” she said softly, surprising even him.

“Of what?” He asked her.

“Of… of everything. I’m scared to leave… to go to school. I’m scared of the person I’m going to grow up to be. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared… I’m scared I’m going to end up like her…” she said, letting out a sob. Harry’s heart broke for her.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but if there’s one thing I do know about you, Alexa—you’re a fighter. Just like your mum,” he told her.

“Yeah,” she said softly, curling up into his embrace.

Harry let her cry on his shoulder for a while before she decided to lay down. He made sure she took the pills and drank the water before tucking her in like a small child. It was the most intimate they’d ever been with each other and it made Harry happy and sad at the same time.

“Harry…” she said softly as he turned out her bedside lamp.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“Lay with me,” she told him.

Harry took a deep breath and nodded, climbing into bed with her. She was sleeping within a few minutes, but he was left there going over everything in his head.

09 July 2011

A—

Last night I saw a side of you I’ve never seen before. I saw the vulnerability and candor as you spoke about your mother, as you spoke about your future. I can honestly say after a night like that, the feelings I feel for you will forever be cemented inside my heart. You’ve encased it with chains and padlocks, ensuring you will always be there in the forefront of my mind throughout everything I do for the rest of my life. I will be an old man on my deathbed still breathing your name. You will live and die with me. It is a certainty. I love you with every fiber of my being and I pray someday I’ll finally be able to tell you everything I’ve always meant to say.

—H

Notes