s i x t y f o u r - bookmark.
//you cannot find peace by avoiding life//
Completely silent. That is the only way I can fully describe how this day has been. I have yet to understand why she is allowing this to occur - why she's letting this drag on all day long.
Last night's events were slightly upsetting but I chose to move past it and let it all fade away. Julianne, on the other hand of course, had the desire to confront me and then she constantly begged for a conversation to spark from the mention of it. I denied her entirely, not because I'm mad, but for the complete opposite. I wasn't mad at her for what she said, I highly believe she didn't mean it and it was only out of anger. I have said some unacceptable things as well while I was hot tempered, so I never even considered it to mean anything.
Sophia tried to speak to her earlier, Perrie took an attempt as well. Both girls got turned down and Julianne pushed them away. She's good at shoving people out, I've learned that the hard way. The girl has such a good heart and a kind soul, sure they may both be extremely fragile but they are still full of love and warmth. I can't seem to comprehend why she is letting this get to her, why is she allowing this to take her over and make a mess of us? I haven't spoke to her in hours, not since breakfast this morning. Apparently she doesn't want to speak with me, so why even try anymore?
"Where are you off to?" Perrie asks as I turn the handle of the back door. I sigh lightly as I glance over my shoulder at the three ladies standing around the island - different colored pairs of eyes stuck to me and filled with curiosity. "M'gonna join the boys." I mumble lightly as I open the door far enough to create a space for me to squeeze out of, but of course I couldn't get that lucky with a quick escape. "And you're going to leave us here! Alone!" Sophia throws her hands in the air, so dramatically. "You'll be fine. We'll be a mile out." I assure them with a soft smile as I pull the door all the way open now, the cool afternoon breeze hits my exposed arms.
"What about the princess?" Perrie smirks at me, a playful eye roll following the movement of her lips. I swallow the small lump in my throat, I didn't even think about mentioning it to her. She probably wouldn't care anyways. "She'll be fine. Keep an eye on her. You know she likes to wonder off." A sternness came to my face and the girls nodded in unison to me. I say nothing else as I step out of the house and close the door behind myself.
I have no worries when it comes to Julianne being in the house with the girls and without me there. She won't even know that I left, and an hour isn't very long to anyone.
It didn't take me very long to catch up with Liam and the boys. He was leading them through the dense forest, but now that I have arrived I shall take over the hunt. Not because I want to, but because the rules just state that I have to. Trust me, I don't care one bit about what they do while hunting, but my instincts kick in and I can't stop the Alpha inside of me - no matter how hard I try.
The different tints and splashes of blue in her eyes mix with the hints of grey here and there - such a marvelous beauty in my arms, and only a year old. How could something so young be so mind captivating? A touch on my shoulder slightly frightened me, causing me to flinch away from it. Just seconds later I come to senses and I realize it's only Kristen. Her eyes stare down at me as I tilt my head back to catch her gaze.
"She loves you, y'know." She states, her hand comfortingly squeezing my shoulder the same moment. "How do you know?" I question as my stare drops back to the sweet little angel in my lap. Her tiny hands fist my shirt, my hands supporting her body while she's sitting up. "I just know." Kristen replies, a small laugh laced in her easy, slow tone.
"She's such a good baby. I wish you could be around her more." She says as she begins to fold laundry that was thrown on the couch. I smile gently at the thought, those big blue orbs find my eyes again and a one toothed smile spreads onto the face of the child in my hands. I grin back at her, admiring her rosy cheeks and her blonde hair that curls up at the ends, especially at her the nape of her neck.
Unfortunately, it will be another seventeen years until I can properly introduce myself to the little one. She won't even have a memory of me, nor a thought that I ever existed. I can not complain about it, because in the end I will be able to protect her and keep her safe forever. It's a long time to wait, I understand that, but it is all worth it.
Legs dangling over the side of the cliff, the birds chirping high in the trees, the cool breeze blowing against my sweaty skin - peaceful is how I describe it. Liam's body is being supported by a tree a few yards behind me. Niall is seated just a foot away from me, eyes glaring out over the rugged landscape - tall pines scattered across the varying heights of the hills and the mountains. Crisp green grass floods over the ground, moss stretching up broad trunks - beautiful. Not quite as beautiful as Julianne though, I believe there isn't a thing on this earth that's as gorgeous as she is.
"How is Julianne handling the whole situation?" Niall asks in a mumble, barely audible thanks to Zayn and Louis' banter behind us. "You mean with Ruth?" I drag out his question, only to make sure I address the right thing. Sadly there is more than one bad thing happening between me and Julianne at the moment. "Yeah. She didn't seem too thrilled when you got back this morning." Niall chuckles slightly at the mention of Julianne's obvious ridiculous behavior. She is very childish when it comes to handling things. She'd rather lock everyone out and pout in her room all day than to have a mature, calm conversation about the issue.
"She isn't very fond of it, no. But that isn't really why she was upset earlier." I admit to him, giving him a quick glance before my eyes travel back to admire the changing colors in the sky. The sun is falling to the horizon, clouds parting out of it's way and the air is cooling off drastically. "You must've had an argument." Niall assumes, which is a correct presumption. "She's highly pissed." I sigh out, dropping my head down as my eyes close shut. I hate myself for letting all of this fighting drag on throughout the day. It's exhausting and it's unnecessary.
"How come?" My entire soul is yet again forced to be reminded of what occurred between myself and the woman I love. It hurts my heart to even think about it, speaking on it will only make it worse for me in the end. "Well.. she kept asking me to talk about the words that were thrown the night before. I just simply ignored her and finally told her that I wasn't concerned with it. I guess she didn't understand that I was letting it go." I shrug my shoulders along with my claim, it's been hours since we last spoke to one another and frankly it hasn't turned me into a happy camper. In fact, it's done quite the opposite.
"You know how ladies can be.. Sometimes they just wanna talk, even when it's about something like a fight." Niall pats my shoulder just as I lift my head up. I just laugh a little, along with the shake of my head. "How would you know? Sara's just a kid." I ask curiously as I look over at him. His eyes lock with mine and he gives me a confused expression - as if he didn't know how he was aware of this either. "She has her bad moments." Niall smiles with an eye roll, it's still very weird to me that one of my best friends imprinted on my little sister. Yet, at the very same time, I'm glad she'll spend her life with someone I know and trust my life with. "Besides, I don't think age really matters. Girls wanna talk things through, not just forget they ever happened." Niall adds in with another slap of his hand against my back.
"You're definitely right about that one." Liam says, suddenly his silence came to an abrupt end and he joined us, sitting on the other side of Niall. He threw only one leg over the edge, the other he brought up and resting his arm on. "Soph doesn't like to have things weighing on her mind. If we argue, then we make up an hour later. Our make-ups are just talks about how stupid we both were." Liam throws in his sense and I immediately see that it's a pattern. "Oh, that's a damn lie. Those make-ups are more than just talks!" Louis barges into our conversation while remaining behind us. We all start to laugh at the words said, because they were surely true.
"Yeah, we can all hear it." Zayn agrees, making our combined laughter grow even larger. "And fucking smell it." Niall puts in that unneeded, but yet truthful, addition to the conversation. "But seriously, mate, just talk to her. She might hate you at first.. but she just wants to talk." Liam breathes out to me, the laughing has now died down and the seriousness has began to float above us all once again. "I'm just afraid.. that what she said.. will become true if I try to talk to her." My words are murmured and my eyes are avoiding the stare coming from Liam eyes and Niall's as well. I can feel the intense glare on my back from the other two. "What did she say?" Zayn questions, handling the question for all of them.
I swallow the hard lump stuck in my throat. This might just be one of the hardest things I have ever had to say out loud to someone. It's not that it's embarrassing, but it's just scary to say. I don't want to think it's true, and I don't necessarily believe it is. On the other hand, I'm not Julianne. I don't know what she thinks about, nor what she thinks of me. So I can not be the judge of the truth in this case, or in any situation involving her own opinions.
"She told me that.. that she.. um.. that she hates me." I bolt my eyes shut at the sound of the dreadful words escaping past my lips. How did I even have gather the strength to repeat it? My bottom lip starts to lightly quiver. I can't let these guys see me fall apart, not in this place - not in the only place we can all just sit and talk to each other without the girls around. I bite hard on my lip just as they all begin to react to what I told them.
"That's a damn lie. Julianne couldn't hate you. She's obsessed." Niall scoffs lightly, unable to believe what I said was true. Normally, I don't care if someone stars at the line across my face or if someone doesn't like my attitude. Usually I can ignore opinions and those "quiet whispers" that aren't so quiet to my enhanced ears. But when those words left the mouth of the girl I love - the girl I would die for, the only damn thing I adore on this earth - my heart physically broke apart. "She loves you entirely too much." Liam adds in, their attempts at trying to make me feel better about this aren't really working well.
"What if it's... true.." My words come to a halt as my eyes shoot open, my nose focusing in on one scent. It's not far from here, about a mile or a bit less than that. It's the very same smell that captivates my mind on a daily basis. The smell can drive me wild, bring out the blazing wolf in my soul, and it can even calm my nerves and help me sleep better at night. The scent that wraps around me tighter than my own skin, that damn smell that is stuck in my nostrils. The same scent I have been focused on for eighteen years. Julianne.
"What's wrong?" Niall asks as I bring myself to my feet and back away from the cliff's dangerous edge. I discard the other girls, clearly I know that they are there with her at the house. But something isn't right, I'm not quite sure what though. "Someone's there."
[one hour previous]
Starvation is becoming a threat to me as of now. It's been hours since I last ate back at the cabin. I haven't even left the bedroom since we arrived back home this morning. A heavy, displeased groan leaves my mouth as I sling the door open and take a deep inhale - I don't feel like coming face to face with Harry right now so I really hope he isn't in the kitchen. "Hey, love." Gemma's voice caught my attention, my head turns and I see she's right beside the bathroom door. She gives me a warm smile before coming to my side. "Everything okay?" She asks with a low, gentle tone as we begin the trip down the hallway.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just hungry." I mumble back as we walk, our arms skimming against each others. The distance isn't very broad but I don't mind, she's not really inferring with my personal bubble. "Hope you aren't looking for Harry." Gemma sighs out, seeming as if she was irritated with him. She's not the only one. "Quite the opposite actually. I'm hoping to avoid him for a little while longer." I shake my head in denial at her words, a laugh slips out following my words. She just chuckles at my reply, playfully nudging my side with her elbow.
"He must not be here." I presume, based on how she worded it a few moments ago. "No, the guys went out on a hunt. Usually he goes alone, but he decided to join them tonight." She informs me. I nod lightly as a reply, I don't blame him at all. If I had the chance to distance myself from him and this place I think I would jump on the train and gladly take that opportunity. "Um.. how long has.. how long has he been gone?" I nervously bite the inside of my cheek after my words fall into the air.
I don't think I will ever be able to forget what happened that day he ran out the door and left me here. He came back with a slashed side, blood pouring from his cuts. I know he's strong and powerful, especially when he's in his supernatural form, but I still get afraid when he goes out there. Anything is possible.
"An hour or so, they should get back sometime around sunset, which is soon." She informs me as she places her hand on the middle of my back, rubbing me a few times. "Don't worry." She adds in a whisper just as we enter the kitchen. A pair of crystal blue eyes dart to me and a smile spreads over her pink coated lips. "Well hello there stranger!" Perrie says with a high pitched tone. I just pass along a small curve of my lips. She and Sophia share a quick look before she returns to cutting up an apple on the island. Sophia spins around on the stool and crosses her ankles while looking over at me.
"I heard someone was a little snoopy during her trip." Sophia's eye falls into a wink just as she bites into a slice of an apple. I feel my cheeks heat up as I lean against the door frame, trying to avoid her gaze. Gemma left my side and went to the sink to pour herself a glass of water. "Hmmm?" Perrie says in addition to Sophia's words, her eyebrows raising up high as she looks my direction. "I might have read a few texts. Nothing too bad." I shrug lightly, trying to hide the chuckle dying to leave my mouth. "So I assume you two didn't have sex." Perrie smirks deviously. Sophia covers her mouth to hide her dropped jaw, but her wide eyes tell me she was quite shocked by that. Gemma just shakes her head lightly from side to side, laughing lightly as she cuts off the water.
"No. We did not. I don't think we ever will." I stay very blunt and frank with these girls. They have come to know a lot about me and my life, probably more than I am aware of that thanks to the fact that Harry has been around me for my entire life despite me not knowing. There isn't a need to be secretive anyways. They can all hear extremely better than I can and they can hear each other's thoughts when they want to - I believe they know a lot more than they let on. "Oh trust me honey, you definitely will. Harry's gone over three hundred years as a virgin waiting for you to come along. He's finally got you now, there's a guarantee that you'll have sex soon." Sophia explains with a soft sigh, she speaks as if she was a wise mother describing love to her child - I guess she sorta is.
"Well it won't be good if we ever do." I cross my arms on my chest, a huff coming from my mouth. "Why do you say that?" Gemma asks as she leans her elbows on the island beside Perrie, her eyes adding onto the intense glares I'm already receiving from the other two. "My mother didn't live long enough to tell me about it. I have no clue about it. Just the basic things I've learned from school." I shrug lightly, it's not something I'm ashamed about telling them - now admitting this to Harry, however, would be a very big embarrassment. That definitely will not ever happen.
"Innocent little Julianne." Perrie fans her face with her hand a few times, a bit theatrical if you ask me. Sophia reaches across the island and smacks her shoulder. She just laughs it off and pushes a few pieces of her hair behind her ear. "Sex isn't something you learn in school. It's an instinct. You just.. know what to do." Sophia tells me, probably in a lot nicer and more mature words than Perrie might have used. "Yeah, once you're all lusted up.. you just kinda let it happen." Perrie grins at me as my cheeks noticeably turn red - a fire on my face is something I have gotten very used to since coming to this place.
"Leave her alone." Gemma sends me an apologetic smile as she starts the journey to the living room. Perrie just holds her hands up in surrender, still smirking at me. Sophia turns back around and continues eating her apple. I was going to ask myself why they weren't scolding me for being out of my room but I am quick to remind myself that they are actually nice to me.. unlike others that live here. Curiously intrigues me, resulting in me to follow behind Gemma. She must have heard me because she looked over her shoulder quickly while walking.
"Do you have a book I can read?" I ask the question I suddenly wanted an answer to just as she places herself in the big leather recliner. "We have a small collection if you want to look through them." She offers with a raise of her brows. I nod rapidly a few times, "Please. If you don't mind." My enthusiasm is rather bold as I lace my own fingers together. "Go down the hall. It's the door right after yours. You're welcome to whatever book you'd like." Gemma grants me permission to rummage through their belongings. I give her a thanking smile before spinning on my heels and beginning the trip to the room. "Oh, wait, Julianne!" Gemma calls out just as I step over the threshold into the kitchen. I grab the doorframe as I look back at her. "Yeah?" I ask in a rather confused tone. Is there something wrong now?
"They are all Harry's.. He's quite organized. If you get something out, just remember where you got it from." Her lips shape into a grin as I nod lightly back to her. Of course, just what I should have suspected! Harry's house. Harry's family. Harry's pack. Harry's room. Harry's rules. Harry's books.
Harry's. Harry's. Harry's.
After my internal rant had ended and I got over the fact everything was under Harry's almighty control, I led myself to the door Gemma told me about and when I turn the handle and open it, I indeed find a collection of books. The room was a bit smaller than my bedroom. It lacked windows, which didn't really shock me all too much, but what it lost in light in made up for in storage. The tall, mahogany book cases almost reached the ceiling. There was about ten of them placed in the middle of the room, packed full. Larger ones lined all the walls, except for the far back corner.
Placed in the case free zone is a vintage loveseat, possibly designed after the Victorian era. My furniture knowledge is limited so I'm not too sure on that. Directly beside it is a tall, slim table with a lamp. The table is also home to a small journal and a pen - both of which are sealed shut. In front of the chair is a small round coffee table with a coaster and a few candles placed in the center.
My eyes travel around the room, admiring the beauty of the books - from the obvious new ones with the slick fronts that shine in the light to the older, more vintage ones with thick, dusty covers and yellowing pages. I'm quick to notice that placed in the chair are two books, both catch my eye. I go over to the corner, bypassing the many shelves slapped full of books. I carefully reach down and pick up the book on top. I highly admire the author of the book and it's been a good year or two since I last read this one. Pride & Prejudice.
I see that there's a white book mark peeking from the top of the book. I run my finger across the top, trying to use my fingernail to open the book to it's most recently viewed page. Successful in my attempt, my eyes are given access to the page and it's contents, as well as the bookmark. At first, before my eyes saw it's beauty, I thought it was a generic book mark you can buy. I'm very wrong actually, it's the complete opposite.
The marker is an old piece of paper, possibly from a journal because there aren't any blue lines to indicate that it is a regular sheet of paper. It's torn on the edges, and slightly wrinkled from the over use of it I'm sure. Written in black ink on the bookmark is a message. Signed below it are the letters A and S. However, before I could ponder on who wrote the note, I notice the word scribbled down just under those initials, followed by a heart. Mom.
You will grow. You will age. You will break. You will be placed back together. You will love. You will hate. You will feel so alive, then feel like you're dying. Through all of these, please remember that I love you. I believe in you, no matter what. You'll always be my son.
My heart flutters a few times, slightly scaring me as it slows down quickly. I take a deep breath as I carefully slide the book mark back into the book. I close it and press it against my chest, keeping a firm hold of it. This note is special to Harry, he doesn't have to tell me for me to know. I can relate heavily to this - his mother's presence in his life was the most important thing to him, just like it was for me. I won't lie to anyone, not even myself, I am jealous that Harry had such a long time with his mother, while I only had a few young years.
Perhaps I shouldn't be upset over that, I was led to this glorious, marvelous man and I ought to appreciate it more than I want to. He needs someone to fill that gap, just like I crave to have someone pick me up and help me carry on. I strongly believe that we are each other's needed parts - that's why it hurts me when he leaves.
I chose the book because I feel like it's special to Harry in some way. Perhaps it was his mother's favorite thing to read, or maybe it was the last book she was in the middle of reading before she passed. I know how these little things could affect someone's heart, I still have the last pen my mother used to write with - it's in my bag. I vow to myself to keep this book safe while I read it, and of course I plan on giving it back to either Harry or to the loveseat - which ever I decide to see again first.
After shutting the door and easing down the hallway, I chose to settle in a nice, quiet spot to read. Upstairs, the girls are running and playing - Sara is very loud and active. Ruth, on the other hand, is still getting used to things and I'm sure Sara's constant excitement isn't helping much. I only smile at the thought, I'm sure Sara is pleased to have someone her age to be around. I know how much I desired for a sibling when I was little, especially after my mother died. Times become hard when it's just you around.
"Hey, Sophia." I mumble lightly as I enter the kitchen, and also their conversation. She looks over and raises her brows at me, smiling just lightly to show me she isn't upset about me wrecking their focus. "Is it alright if I sit on the patio and read? It's.. much quieter outside." I ask with a soft voice as my eyes flicker between hers and Perrie's. Sophia turns her head back to Perrie and they start a stare with one another. It makes me wonder if they are doing the whole mental message thing Harry told me about, or if it is just a silent debate they're holding about the question I proposed.
It was a moment or two full of complete silence before Sophia's head snapped back in my direction. "Sure, love. Just be mindful of things." She gives me a nod along with a teeth showing smile. I give her a sly smile in return just as I walk towards the door. The knob is cold against my palm as I turn it and pull the door open. The refreshing breeze slams against me as I shut the door behind me. I cross the concreted patio to the set of table and chairs in the center.
I gladly accept one of the chair's welcoming offer. Thankfully, the cushion isn't soaking wet, not even damp even. I open the book to the first page, making sure I have a good hold on it so I don't lose the book mark. Harry might actually kill me if I do that. Gosh, I hope he doesn't mind me reading the book. If he says anything I'll just say that Gemma failed to mention it to me, which is the truth. She never said there were certain books I couldn't touch..
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Taking in the first sentence of the book, the opening of the wondrous novel, is purely an amazing feeling. I adore reading and if it starts out nice it is sure to progress just as well. The smell of flowers is hanging in the air, filling my nose with the nice scent of nature.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first..
My mind is distracted by the sound of cracking sticks and the shoving movement through the near by brush at the forest's edge. I gulp gently as I stare off at the direction of the sounds. Maybe it's only a deer or a rabbit, and I'm just overacting like normal. I shake it off and look back at the book, trying to pick up gracefully where I left off.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families..
There it is once again. My head snaps up and my eyes immediately begin to widen as I take in the sight before me - despite the distance, I am terrified by it. My lips fall apart in an attempt to scream out his name - or any name really - but nothing leaves my mouth. Not even an exhale.
... like seriously you have no idea how excited I am to FINALLY post this next set of chapters! THESE are the ones where things get GOOD. TRUUUSSTT ME. Sixty five chapters in and I constantly have more plot twists for you guys. BUT the one coming up isn't that drastic.. just a moment of FINALLY - If you get my gist ;)
xx feedback pleassee on this. Is it me or is Julianne always getting herself into some deep shit? ;) You'll have to stick around to see how that goes...
XX updates soon! SEQUEL Will arrive before you know it!!
AND PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE QUOTES AT THE STARTTTTT